waoowaoowaooo im back baby and this time with yet another crack story... a review on another story in this same universe (when you elimiate the impossible) reminded me that this one existed, so i'll just post it! yes, its a blatant twilight parody, but so is all the other ones so. uh. enjoy?

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She's in a meadow. It's nice and green—beautiful. Sun is out. Sky is blue.

From the corner of her eye, she sees a shadow move—it blurs in her vision before settling at the edge of the glade, in the darkness.

Shi—

She opens her mouth. No sound comes out. She can't speak.

From the darkness, blue eyes glow.

"Say it."

The shadow steps further into the light; she sees it's Shinichi, hair almost black and skin blindingly pale.

"Say it."

He takes a long stride into the sunlight and she watches him light up, sparkle, refracting a thousand tiny diamonds.

"Say it out loud," he demands of her.

She can't speak. She's scared.

She opens her mouth.

"V-Vampire," she croaks. "You're a vampire."

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Ran woke up with a gasp. Her heart was racing, although she couldn't remember what in her dream had frightened her so. She recalled that she was in a nice meadow, enjoying the sunlight, when Shinichi had come to visit. He had frightened her. He had stepped into the sunlight and demanded that she name him and she was terrified and he had… sparkled? Ran's heartbeat calmed at the memory. Shinichi. Sparkling. And somehow Ran's unconscious had connected that absurdity with Shinichi's vampirism.

Ridiculous, she scoffed to herself. She must have eaten too much ice cream before bed.

That wasn't at all how it happened.

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Ran first met Shinichi when she was ten. She remembered because it was her birthday, and she and Sonoko had gotten themselves kidnapped. To be fair, it wasn't really their fault. There had been a purse-snatcher, and she had kicked the snatcher in the shin, at which point the purse-snatcher had gotten scared and taken both her and Sonoko.

Her first impression of Shinichi was that of a white night who inexplicably carried around a white, lacy parasol. He had come bursting into the bathroom, wearing a white button-down shirt with a blue blazer, hands covered in white gloves that grasped a snow-white, lacy parasol with a wooden handle, inlaid with mother-of-pearl designs. The entire image had been so ridiculous, Sonoko, despite being so terrified she had done nothing but cry for the past two hours, started to giggle. Ran had watched with wide eyes as the purse-snatcher wheeled on Shinichi and tried to stab him with his knife, only to be expertly outmaneuvered and rendered unconscious with a quick chop to the back of the neck.

"Are you two okay?" he asked. "That guy… did he hurt you?"

Ran shook her head. "No," she said, before demanding, "Where did you learn to do that?"

Shinichi blinked. "What?"

Ran rolled her eyes and repeated impatiently, "Where did you learn to do that?"

Shinichi's eyes twitched with trepidation. "I don't think little girls—"

Immediately, Ran's eyes furrowed and dark thunderclouds rolled over her expression. "That's not fair!" she yelled. "Mom says that little girls can do anything they want! I want to learn to do what you just did!"

"When—when you're older. It takes time," Shinichi said, glancing behind him. "The police will be here any moment now. Please don't mention me."

"Why?" Ran asked, anger already forgotten. "You saved us!"

Shinichi knelt down, eyes serious. "There are other kids out there who also need saving," he said. "If the police know about me, I can't do my job, see?"

Ran nodded. "Okay," she agreed, because any man who saved her and Sonoko couldn't possibly be a bad man.

Shinichi sighed, relieved. "Thank you," he said. "I've got to go now. Be safe, okay?"

"Yes!" Ran and Sonoko chorused.

Just as Shinichi turned to leave, Sonoko yelled at his back, "What kind of angel are you?"

Shinichi paused. His tall stature seemed to deflate as he said, "I'm not."

Sonoko, never one to be deterred, said decisively, as she wiped away her tears, "Then you'll be our guardian angel from now on!"

Despite himself, Shinichi laughed. Ran thought it sounded like the rustling of trees on a cold winter's night. "Sure," he said, turning back to grin brightly at them. It looked fierce, like a polar bear, or a shark. In a quick, smooth motion, he slid off the gloves on his hands (how white and long and slender!) and tossed the pair back to them. "I'll protect you." And then he disappeared into the bright light.

Sonoko picked up the gloves and handed one to Ran. "Is that awesome or what?" she said, eyes shining no longer with tears, but with excitement. "We have our very own guardian angel!"

Ran, however, wasn't so convinced. "Is that really okay, Sonoko? He didn't seem to want to be our guardian angel."

"That's why we got these," Sonoko said, waving the glove around like a flag. "It's proof! It's proof that he'll always protect us!"

Ran turned the white glove over in her hand. It did seem like the kind of gloves princes wore, although the material seemed tougher. She couldn't feel any residual heat from his hand. "I guess so," she said.

"I know so," Sonoko said firmly. "Now c'mon, Ran. Let's wait for the police outside."

At the mention of police, Ran began to panic. "I completely forgot to call Dad!" she said. "Where's my phone, where's my phone—I need to let him know we're okay!"

"Hey, isn't this your phone?" Sonoko picked up a phone that was on the ground just outside the bathroom.

"Oi, is that Sonoko? Where's Ran? Ran!" Kogoro's voice came through loud and tinny.

"Dad!" Ran cried, rushing over to Sonoko. "I'm here, I'm here, we're okay! The police will be here soon!"

"I'm coming to get you two; don't move! I'm in the car with Megure! We'll be there any second!"

As promised, less than a minute later, blaring sirens sounded, and Kogoro was jumping out of the car to scoop Ran up in his arms. "You stupid brat!" he growled, smacking Ran on the head. "You scared me! Don't run off!"

"Don't yell at Ran!" Sonoko defended from the ground. "She kicked a purse-snatcher in the knee!"

Megure frowned. "Purse snatcher?"

Sonoko pointed back into the bathroom. "He's in there. Our guardian angel beat him up!"

"Guardian angel?" Kogoro asked. "Oh, you mean that kid that called in your location? He's just a boy. You're not allowed to have a boy guardian angel."

"Dad!" Ran said, shocked. "Boys can be guardian angels too! Mom says—"

"Okay, okay, whatever," Kogoro said, holding his hands up to placate his daughter, unwilling to get into an argument on the street about guardian angels. "C'mon, I'll take you both home."

"Yes!" both girls cheered, and at Kogoro's urging, clambered into the patrol car.

Just before she entered the patrol car, Ran realized something. She turned to Sonoko, stricken. "Ah! He never told me what that cool move was!"

"I bet he's just scared you'll be better than him," Sonoko said snidely. "You should join some kung-fu class, and show him!"

Ran brightened. "Yeah! I'll learn some ninja moves! That'll show him!"

"You will not learn ninja moves," Kogoro said.

"Mom'll let me!"

"…Only karate. And only a dojo that I approve of!"

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Ai was sitting on the couch, flipping through channels when Shinichi climbed in through the window. She eyed Shinichi's bare hands. "Don't go into the kitchen; I have an experiment going," she said. Despite being a perfectly innocuous piece of information, it sounded like an accusation. It was a special talent.

Shinichi held his hands up defensively. "Look, please don't get mad, were these two little girls, and they called me their guardian angel so I had to—"

Ai's expression ran from unimpressed to pealing with laughter in less than a second. "Is being a melodramatic queen a vampire thing, or just you?" she said between giggles. "Two little girls? Guardian angel? Could you get any more theatric if you tried?"

"Hey," Shinichi protested. "I was just passing by…"

"You're a second away from listening in on the police's radio systems and you know it," Ai said. She seemed to have calmed down somewhat. "Just for that, I'm not going to replace your gloves for another month. Let that teach you some responsibility."

"I'm older than you!"

"And you should know that age has nothing to do with common sense," Ai said tartly, brushing past him into the kitchen. "You'd think living multiple human lifespans should have taught you that much."

"Excuse me, then, for not having reached enlightenment," Shinichi muttered.

"Perhaps if you read more philosophy and science instead of mystery fiction, you'd have a better grasp of how the world actually works," Ai said from the kitchen.

"I have subscriptions to the Journal of Forensic Sciences andthe National Forensic Journal, plus I have a working knowledge of Theravada and Mahayana Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Shintoism, and Confucianism—which is a philosophy, not a religion," Shinichi felt the need to protest.

Ai poked her head out of the kitchen to level an unimpressed look at Shinichi. "Then perhaps you should reconsider the value of 'working knowledge,' Shinichi-kun, because it seems to me that despite all the 'working knowledge' you have bouncing around in that big brain of yours, you lack the basic understanding to truly comprehend knowledge."

She disappeared back into the kitchen, leaving Shinichi behind to stare at her, mouth agape.

"Oh, and Shinichi?"

"Yeah?"

"I know the vampire myth about doors is false," she said. "So next time, use the damn front door."

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Ironically, Sonoko forgot about Shinichi soon after, despite being the one to call Shinichi their 'guardian angel' in the first place. Sonoko was a girl who didn't dwell on the past. (And perhaps the ridiculous-looking parasol didn't hurt, either. Sonoko always did deserve better than an idiot who thought carrying a parasol around in broad daylight would be a fashion statement rather than fashion failure.)

Ran couldn't forget. She kept the glove in her treasure box, and daydreamed about the day her guardian angel knight would come riding in on a white horse (with his inexplicable parasol) and rescue her from the dreariness of every-day life. She would be special, like a long lost princess, or a fairy queen.

Well, her prince didn't exactly come riding in on a white horse. More accurately, he came stumbling to her door, nearly mummified in white clothing, accompanied by a small, thin, straw-haired girl who shoved him face first into the room, saying, "And don't come home until you've got your shit sorted out." To Ran, she added, "Sorry. He's been interfering with my experiments."

Ran could only stare as the girl shut the door behind him.

The mysterious man whirled around at the door with a furious snap of his jaw, but then seemed to remember Ran was still in the room and turned around to apologize. "Sorry about that," he said sheepishly. "Haibara is kind of—"

Ran nailed him in the face with her foot, and he crumpled to the ground.

After screaming for a second or two, Ran came to her senses enough to check for a pulse while whipping out her phone to call 110.

The operator came through. "Hello. What is your emergency?"

"Hi, I have an unconscious—" Ran's fingers found the man's neck—his skin was cold—there was no pulse— "Oh my god is he dead."

"Ma'am? Ma'am? Can you describe the situation, ma'am?"

"I—I don't know," Ran said, panic reducing her words to babbling. "He came in and I thought he was a burglar so I kicked him and he fell and I don't think he cracked his head open and I don't see blood but there's no pulse oh my god did I kill him no no no please wake up please please—"

"Ma'am, calm down please. We're sending an ambulance and officers to your location now."

"Ye—"

A strong, cold hand wrapped itself around Ran's wrist and she screamed again, wrenching her hand away.

"Ma'am?"

Ran looked down, only to see the corpse blink his eyes open. His clear blue irises looked clear and bright, and nothing at all like the dead person he was supposed to be.

Ran opened her mouth to scream again.

"No—no, wait, no please, wait, I'm not dead!" the man cried in panic, and it was only by sheer luck his hand was in the right position to block Ran's next strike. "Ow! Please, wait, I can explain!"

"I won't let you have your way—!" Ran flipped them both so she was sitting on his legs and had his hands trapped painfully between her thighs.

"Ma'am?"

In the confusion, Ran had dropped her cellphone. Ran all of a sudden realized that there was an ambulance on the way for a man who was definitely no longer dead. She picked up her phone. "Um, hello?" she said. "I don't think we need that ambulance anymore. The burglar is fine."

"Please hold on, ma'am, the police are on their way." The operator disconnected.

"I'm not a burglar!" the intruder insisted.

Ran glared down at him. "You have bigger problems to worry about," she growled. "You were dead. How are you going to explain that away?"

The man's expression twisted as he seemed to come to a split second decision. "I'm a vampire," he said.

Ran twisted his arms harder.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow! I'm being serious! Look!" He opened his mouth and with a soft sliding sound, two sharp fangs snapped into place, like a snake.

Ran peered suspiciously at them, then lunged at his face. The stranger recoiled, banging his head against the ground, as Ran forcefully held his mouth open as she tugged at his fangs.

"Owf, pwfesse—sphop!"

Ran retreated back to her previous position, wiping her hands on the intruder's shirt. "They seem so real," she marveled. "And you're—" She checked his pulse again. "Dead, right. After all this, a vampire isn't such a strange answer at all. So?" she said, staring down at him with a warning in her eyes. "What are you doing here?"

The stranger looked away shiftily. "Umm… Oh, god, this is so embarrassing, I'm going to kill Haibara—"

"Haibara?"

"The girl that made me come here. She's… a friend of mine. She's older than she looks, too." At some unknown memory, the man shuddered. "I guess—I don't know if you remember, but you and your blonde friend got kidnapped when you were children. I think you had kicked a purse-snatcher? I found you and—"

Ran's eyes lit up. "Oh! You're my guardian angel! Then…" Suspicion clouded her mind. What if this man had found out about her guardian angel some other way? She had to be sure. "What were you carrying the day you rescued us? It's something you don't have now."

Luckily for them both, he seemed to know exactly what she was talking about. He groaned. "Oh, god, that was a stupid gag gift that Haibara got me—but it's effective! Sunlight makes me weak, and I don't live long if exposed directly to light, so I just carry that stupid lacy parasol around. There's no point in trying to get a real umbrella; Haibara would just ruin it anyway."

Worries assuaged, her mind quieted enough for her to suddenly realize that firstly, his hands were rather near her lady-garden, and secondly, she had KO'd her guardian angel. Ran released him immediately, embarrassment burning at her cheeks. "I am so sorry for kicking you," she apologized. "I didn't know—I'm so, so, so sorry—"

"It's fine," the stranger said, turning a brilliant smile on her. Ran felt her heart warm. "Besides, it looks like you finally mastered karate. My name is Kudo, by the way. Shinichi Kudo."

"Mouri Ran," Ran said, even though he had to know her name already.

They shook hands.

"Nice to meet you."

The police and Ran's father arrived soon after, and after half an hour of awkward conversation and explanation, they left, leaving Ran and Kudo alone with Kogoro.

"I will not let a boy talk with my Ran!" Kogoro was ranting. "Who are you? Where did you come from? Do you know Ran from school? Do you think my daughter is pretty, is that it? Do you want to get into her skirt, huh? Boys, they're all the same, all dirty, perverted animals! You won't lay a finger on my daughter, do you understand—"

Kudo's eyes suddenly widened. "Hey, look—!"

Ran and Kogoro turned around just in time to see a body fall past the window.

For the second time in as many hours, Ran screamed, and all three of them ran outside to see what had happened.

Kudo kneeled by the body and put two gloved fingers on the man's jugular. He shook his head. "This man's dead." He turned his attention to Ran. "Call back the police. I think we have a murder on our hands."

And so went the rest of Ran's day. Kudo puttered around the crime scene, presumably found clues, made strange comments at Inspector Megure, and finally, put on a deduction display worthy of a man who habitually carried around a lacy white parasol.

Ran watched him all throughout his deduction, and was surprised to find herself awed. She thought to herself that she would like to get to know this Kudo character better.

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Over the next couple years, as Ran was finishing up high school, Shinichi dropped by fairly often. Inspector Megure had offered him a job, and, unable to resist the lure of a good case, Shinichi had accepted.

Of course he would visit the girl he had saved so many years ago, although much of that had to do with how she and her father kept getting caught up in cases. Honestly, how were they doing that?

They became fast friends. Ran dropped her hero-worship of Shinichi real quick, and Shinichi came to respect her kind and generous heart. It was as if they had known each other since they were born.

Falling in love, according to the laws of the universe, was more or less inevitable.

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Ran confessed her love on a beautiful spring morning.

It was an accident, and like all accidents, it was Sonoko's fault.

Ran, being a sensible girl who took stock of her own feelings, had realized her emotions for the vampire were no longer entirely on the straight and narrow and had gone to her best friend for help.

When handed juicy romance material straight on a golden platter from heaven, could one really fault Sonoko for meddling? "Darling, let me handle everything," she promised, and so Ran, without any further explanation, ended up in her best dress on a bench in one of Tokyo's many parks.

Sonoko showed up half an hour past the promised time. "Sorry, sorry!" she laughed. "I had some preparations to make and they were way harder than I thought they'd be."

"It's fine," Ran smiled, unable to stay upset. Sonoko was trying her hardest to get Ran her happily ever after, here.

Sonoko wiggled her way next to Ran. "Soooo? Tell me all the juicy details. Go oooon!"

Ran looked down at her hands. "I guess… I mean it's simple, right? I just. Care a lot. About him. And I want to be by his side."

"What about him's so great? He's just another detective otaku, if you ask me. You totally deserve better."

"But he's kind, and sweet, and really thoughtful when he remembers to be—and he's wise, and sometimes funny." Ran spoke to her hands instead of to Sonoko, as if speaking her thoughts to herself. She looked up with a new determination in her eyes. "And I want to be there for him no matter what."

Ran heard an audible gasp from the direction of Sonoko's purse, and at once, Ran knew what Sonoko's plan had been.

"Sonoko!" Ran squeaked, leaping up. Her hands spasmed as she tried to decide between strangling her friend and leaping into the bushes to find Shinichi and strangle him too. She elected for the latter, swinging around the trees to hunt down the vampire, only to find an open cellphone on the ground, with no Shinichi in sight.

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Shinichi boarded a plane to Italy that day.

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It took twenty-four hours for Ai to give in and start her search for Shinichi, four hours for her to go to Dr. Agasa for help, and two hours for Dr. Agasa to pinpoint Shinichi's location to a family hotel in Venice. Less than a day later, Ai had touched down in Venice and was knocking on Shinichi's door.

He apparently hadn't expected Ai to expend the effort to actually find him, because he opened the door.

And promptly shut it in her face again.

Ai had to loudly fake-cry for three whole minutes before Shinichi gave in and herded her into his hotel room.

"Look," he sighed, "I know—"

"Nothing," Ai hissed. "Do you know what I had to do to get on that airplane? How many pitied stares I got? How I had to take a cab by myself to get here? Kudo, I look like I'm ten! It's a miracle I even made it to your front step!"

"That's kind of the point," he shot back. "Look, why are you here? Just let me be for like a hundred years and we can be roommates again. I'll even send you monthly rent if you just leave me alone!"

"No."

Shinichi growled, although not being a werewolf, the sound wasn't particularly threatening. "No? What's your deal?"

"I'll put it bluntly," said Ai.

"How else do you put things," Shinichi muttered under his breath.

"Can it, dimweed," said Ai. "I won't let you brood for a hundred years. I recognize chronic angsting comes with the eternal youth thing, but it's unhealthy."

"What would you know about healthy."

"More than you, it seems," Ai said, popping herself onto the counter. "What's stopping you from just talking to her?"

Shinichi rolled his eyes. "I dunno, maybe I'm scared, a perfectly normal emotion to feel?"

"Oh, yeah? Of what? Also, why Italy?" Ai bit into a red apple that had been sitting on the counter.

"Of falling too deeply into the relationship, dumbass," Shinichi said. "It's scary. Even humans find it scary, and they don't have the added bonus of knowing their partner will die long before they will."

"Yes, but most humans have the balls to at least try," said Ai.

"Can't you just let me be scared in peace?"

"Nope," said Ai. "You're a good man who deserves happiness. I would be no kind of friend if I just let you pass that up. That Ran girl is cute. Honestly, I have no idea how you landed her."

"Me either," Shinichi muttered. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "You're right, Ai. I'll go back with you."

"Finally," said Ai. She hopped down from the counter and started to pull Shinichi twards the door. "I almost didn't make it. C'mon, if you don't hurry your ass up, we'll miss our flight."

Shinichi twitched. "You planned this?!"

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.

"Sorry, I… can't."

Shinichi dropped his bouquet of flowers (on purpose, for dramatic effect, since becoming a vampire didn't mean his muscles automatically became useless). "What?"

Ran fiddled with the hem of her skirt. "I mean – I mean I do love you! Of course I do! You're one of my most precious people! I just… I don't think I'm ready. To date. Now, I mean. I want to keep you at my side as a friend just a little bit longer. And besides," she said, laughing, "you're so old fashioned!"

"I am – I am not – "

"You bought me a pair of bloomers last week!"

"I – that – I thought women still wore that under their skirts!"

"The fact that you had to go to a vintage clothing shop to get them wasn't clue enough? Aren't you supposed to be a detective, Shinichi?"

Shinichi buried his face in his hands. "Oh my god… That's it, I'm going back to the mountains."

"Wait, what?"

"This is too embarrassing." Shinichi turned his back to her. "I need to go regain my pride."

Ran scoffed. "You are ridiculous."

Shinichi scowled. "Yes, yes, laugh at the ridiculous vampire with his stupid parasol."

"I'm sorry," Ran said, giggling. She drifted over to Shinichi and put an arm over his shoulder. "If you need to take time off, you can. But let's keep in touch, okay?" She wagged her cellphone at him. "It's not the sixteen hundreds anymore."

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"So that's why you were in the batcave?"

Shinichi scowled. "Yes, shut up."

Heiji howled even louder. "I literally can't – are you serious – oh my God – "

"I like to think if God exists he'd have struck me from this earth now," Shinichi said flatly. "I'm an emotionally constipated moron, okay? Jesus."

"'po-lo-gies," Heiji drawled. "But hey, that's not a bad thing."

Shinichi rolled his eyes. "No?"

Heiji grinned. "Yeah." He knocked his head against Shinichi's. "Otherwise, we wouldn't have met, right?"

In spite of himself, Shinichi smiled. "Yeah. S'pose so."