Disclaimer: All (c) Square, not me
Warnings: AU humour, fluff, mild shounen ai, language
A/N: This came from a lecture on fairy tales, i am open to other suggestions on other fairy tales i could do with FF7 characters (can even use the same ones again as it will be completely different)
IF you have any ideas, email me or leave them in a review and i will do my best with them
Once in a kingdom far away there was a prince…
Zack: oh come on, who's gonna listen to that crap?
This is a classic Zack, there's nothing wrong with the classics.
Zack: no, but it just sounds so…fruity, I mean come on, gay it up even more?
I have Zack, you are in it.
Zack: HEY. I want a new narrator, I don't like you.
Cloud: will I do?
Zack: yes, just don't make it as fartsy as she did.
Cloud: I'll try.
Can we just get on with this then?
Wake up Zack
"Cloud?" Zack groaned groggily as he came round, "The hell am I?"
In a forest, I told him as he stood slowly.
"Where are you?"
In your mind"What are you doing in there?"
I am supposed to guide you and keep you out of trouble, right, like I would be able to stop the trouble magnet."I never get into trouble," Zack protested, "Guide for what?"
You are here for a purpose
"Huh? You're making no sense Spike. What purpose?"
I can't tell you all the details Zack, I told him, the poor thing was feeling confused, being in his mind, I got a front row show, all I can tell you is that you need to rescue someone…
"Hold it, I don't do the knight in shining armour thing."
This was going to be fun; you'll have to if you want to get home
"Oh great, a no choice thing, so what do I have to do?"
Finally, he was starting to get it, I told you, you'll have to think for yourself, yes that does mean using your brain. Think you can manage?
"Less of the insults," Zack pouted and decided to pick a direction and started walking.
Zack had been walking for only a few hours before he started complaining that he was hungry, it was at that point I truly realised that he had three brains, the one in his head that he never used, the one in his stomach that did most of the thinking and the one split between his balls which did a fair bit of the talking. Needless to say, being in his mind is something I never wanted to do again if I could help it.
"Look," he exclaimed, seeing a house in the middle of the thick of the forest, like that was normal, "Wonder if anyone's home…it's kinda creepy out here."
Come on Zack, it never dawned on me how much of a wuss he was, so much for being a big strong SOLDIER, you don't think there is anything suspicious about that?
"Not if there is food, which I can smell from here."
Yes, Stomach Brain was in full gear, what did I ever do to deserve this?Zack, I sigh, this is your common sense speaking, just carry on walking…oh for fuck sake, blatantly ignoring me, he knocked on the door.
"Oh hello dear," an old woman opened the door, "Are you lost?"
"Yeah," Zack nodded, flashing her a charming smile, "Only a lot."
The old woman smiled, "Well come on in, you'll probably feel more orientated after a good meal and a bit of a rest."
Zack's eyes lit up at the mention of food, good old Stomach Brain, I didn't like this, but he wouldn't listen, not with food involved, "Thanks," he sat himself in a chair, "Why do you live so far out?" he asked.
That would be the most sensible thought he's had in…forever.
"I love the quiet," she replied, "I have everything I need."
Zack nodded, "Yeah, that smells delicious," he commented as a large plate of food was put in front of him.
Zack, there was something wrong with the food, something isn't right here.
Zack merely shrugged and continued shovelling food down like it was his last meal; really, did that man not taste his food at all?
"Come now," the old woman said, smiling, "You must be tired after satisfying such an appetite," Zack nodded with a yawn, "I have a spare room for you where you can sleep."
Grabbing a bit of apple off the plate, he ate it, and then collapsed onto the bed.
Great. I feel that I am being pulled from his body and I momentarily watch him before I am whisked away. What a moron.
I reached the small house in the middle of nowhere; glad to have my own body back, any longer in Zack's mind and I would have been seriously warped. I don't know why it couldn't have started out like that anyway. I knew from the start I would have to rescue him. He is a trouble magnet.
I entered the house and the old woman was nowhere to be seen; something weird was definitely going on. I noticed that there was a small door near the kitchen; I decided to check it out. Cautiously, I looked around and saw Zack still out cold on the bed.
"Zack," I shake him and look around for the old woman, who wasn't there thankfully. "Come on wake up already."
"Hey."
"Get him."
I turned and saw a group of midgets come at me as they attacked. Seven of them.
"Hey. Who the hell are you guys?" I tried to shake the one off my leg as one jumped on my back.
"We are dwarves," One said, "We were sent to see to the one that had been poisoned."
"He's not dead," I told them.
The dwarves nodded and looked at me irritably, "We know that, we had a case like this not long ago, the stupid bint got poisoned by an apple as well, no cure like true loves kiss."
"What?" Surely they were joking.
"You want a chance to wake him, pucker up lover boy."
I gave them the most scathing look that I could muster and leaned down over Zack and placed a soft kiss on his lips; I was totally surprised when Zack grabbed me and pulled me down, his tongue pushing passed my lips. I pull back in surprise and see him grinning at me.
"Zack!" I hit him.
The brunet laughed as he sat up and looked at the dwarves handing some money over to them, "Thanks guys…oh come on Spike, don't look at me like that; they came in scared granny off and woke me up, I just wanted to kiss you really."
I rolled my eyes and hit the back of his head, his Balls Brain was working now, I needed to try and get him to use his Head Brain once in a while, "Can we actually go now?"
"Where you headed?" one of the dwarves asked.
"No idea, just wandering I think." Zack answered.
"You can't get much further in this forest," Dwarf One said, "There's a thick bush of thorns blocking the way."
"I'll get through it," Zack sounded confident, he'd say that even if he couldn't.
Dwarf Five looked at them, "There is a special axe we acquired from a woodsman a while ago, it can cut through anything."
"Can we get it?" I asked.
Dwarf Seven nodded, "Yes, but you must do something for us."
"What?" There was always a catch.
"There is rumoured to be a princess locked away in a tower, reputed to be the most beautiful creature alive; bring the princess back to us so we can see this beauty for ourselves."
Zack nodded, "Right, we can do that, where is this tower?"
"Beyond the wilderness the tower lies, forever under darkened skies, guarded by one most evil, is a princess for any man's retrieval," Dwarf Three spoke up.
"Of course," I rolled my eyes as the axe was handed over to Zack, "We will bring the princess back."
"If you don't there will be trouble, you'll be trapped in a stone bubble," Three said.
I just dragged Zack out before anything else could be said.
"I take it that this is the thorn bush we gotta get through," Zack stated the obvious as we reached our destination; if we squinted then we could see the tower way ahead in the distance.
Oh great.
More complaining from Zack was going to be driving me insane. He started hacking his way through the thorns, me following close behind him. I tried to look back but the thorns closed behind us and towered above us enough to block out the light.
"Can't you move any faster Zack?" I asked, trying to push him ahead.
"Ow, Spike…"
"Damnit. Screw this fuckin' thing," there was a quieter mumble, followed by, "Shit."
We heard swearing close by, "Hello?" I called out.
"Who the fuck is there?" The gruff voice demanded; I didn't like the sound of him, but Zack cut his way to where he could hear the other man. I wasn't surprised to see a gruff looking blond glaring at us as we found him, his clothes torn from the thorns.
"I'm Zack, this is Cloud," Zack introduced us.
"Cid," the man growled out, eying us like we were lunch, "What's that?" he nodded to the axe.
"An axe that cuts through the thorns, come with us and we'll get you out of here…what are you doing anyway?" Zack asked.
"Gotta wake some pansy ass that wont wake up, if I want to get home," The older man didn't sound too pleased about it.
Zack nodded, "We gotta save some princess from a tower, we'll help you if you want."
"Yeah, you got the easiest way outta this place, just hurry the fuck up," Cid lit a cigarette and popped it into his mouth, muttering to himself as he followed us.
We finally reached a clearing and came across a really run down looking mansion; it was getting dark out, so after Zack whining and Cid yelling abuse at him, we went inside for the night.
Not tired, Zack dragged me around to search the place with him; he denied it, but I knew he was too scared on his own, then we came across someone laying in a bed.
On closer inspection, it was a rather handsome guy with long black hair; curiosity taking best of Zack, he tried to wake the man, but nothing was working, was he the one Cid mentioned.
"Cid?" I called, "Come here."
"The fuck? Can't a guy get one damn moments peace," he grumbled, "The hell do you want?"
I pointed to the sleeping man, "He won't wake, could he be the one you're after?"
"OI YOU LAZY ASSED BASTARD. WAKE THE FUCK UP NOW." Cid yelled and shook the man violently, but it had no effect on the man, although I momentarily went deaf.
"Try kissing him," Zack piped up and dodged behind me, "Its what the dwarves said would work."
Grumbling Cid leaned down and kissed the man, who immediately woke, pushing Cid away with such force, he flew across the room.
"Who are you?" he asked, his voice was rich and soothing, red eyes narrowed at us.
Zack slapped on his most charming grin, Balls Brain had woken up, "I'm Zack, and you are?"
"Vincent," the red clad man spoke and eyed Cid dangerously, "Why did you wake me?"
"Welcome, ungrateful bastard," Cid muttered, "Was told to, if I wanted to get my ass home."
Vincent merely nodded and looked back at me and Zack, "What of you two?"
"We are here to rescue someone else, in the tower a few miles away," Zack said.
Vincent's crimson eyes narrowed at us, "The one that did this to me resides there, I shall join you and have my revenge."
"Fuck. I can't go 'til I drag your ass back to the one that sent me," Cid muttered, "Looks like I'm in too."
After we rested for a few hours, we set out along the barren wastelands, which were extremely tough going for me, Cid seemed to have little trouble, but Zack and Vincent were fine; but it was after a few stumbles that I found myself slung over Zack's shoulder, although I think he was gonna do that anyway at some point, so I just kept quiet.
As we neared the tower, there was a sudden surge in vegetation, although it was extremely dark, but no signs of life. We circled the huge stone building, someone was overcompensating, so Zack had voiced several times, but there was no door, only a window up the top. Some use that was.
Hearing someone approach, we hid behind a bush and watched as…I couldn't believe it. Hojo. That bastard was there. Vincent growled beside me and readied his gun, just as long silver hair came from the window, allowing the greasy man to climb up. I know that hair.
Vincent growled and shot Hojo several times and watched as he fell a great height and splattered to the ground. Messy.
"Hey Seph?" Zack called, "That you up there?"
"Zack?" Sephiroth leaned out of the window, "What are you doing here?"
"Rescuing a princess from a tower," Zack laughed, "So I think that means you Princess," he thought, "Can you get down?"
"Yes. I am staying up here out of choice because it is so comfortable," I never knew so much sarcasm could be held in any voice, "Of course I cannot get out of here you dolt."
"Tried flying?" Zack had to dodge something that was thrown at him in response, "It was a thought…bungee jump down…tie your hair onto something and jump down and then we'll cut it off." A chair crashed down to the floor in front of him; "You trust me Seph?" he called.
"What kind of question is that?"
"Trust me enough to catch you?"
There was a silence, Zack couldn't catch a cold properly, how would he manage with Sephiroth?
"You don't, I will come back and kill you," He started falling…
Zack jolted awake in the back of the truck we were in.
"Something wrong Zack?" Sephiroth looked at him with as much concern as he ever openly showed.
Zack blinked, "Just a dream," he replied, "A really weird dream," he leaned against Sephiroth more, pulling me to him as well, so I could rest against him, the other cadet was sleeping and didn't notice us.
"We in Nibelheim yet Seph?" Zack asked with a yawn, about to settle to sleep again.
"Not quite."
"I'd catch you if you fell…know that right?" he finished in a soft whisper which was soon turned to snores.
If only it would be happily ever after…but that is a different tale…
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