A Man's Worth

Chapter 1

A/N: It's been a while since I wrote something. This is an idea I had crawling in the back of my head. I know the show is over but I really despised the way season 6 ended and I can't conceive the idea of Spike having a soul in season 7. This story takes place around the chapter named "Seeing Red", but I change it. I won't have Spike trying to abuse Buffy, nor him trying to find a soul.

WARNING: This is not a happy fic. For those of you expecting something joyous, stay away from this story. You've been warned.

DISCLAIMER: You all know this belongs to Joss Whedon and the parties involved in airing this show.

FEEDBACK: As you wish

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Alone

How much is a man's life worth?

How much is a demon's life worth?

I didn't know.

I do now.

I look around. I'm alone.

No one to share my bloody revelation with.

But she's happy, isn't she?

Please, let her be happy.

The bottle in my hands shake, almost mocking me.

I take something from my pocket.  The only thing I have.

I wipe the blood off my nose and my eyes and stare at the silver ring.

So simple. So beautiful.

I didn't know it'd end like this.

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Three months ago.

Spike walked inside the house, taking care to place his leather duster on the rail of the stair. He was determined to have the slayer listen to him. She needed to see that he loved her and that he could give her what she wanted. He heard her in the bathroom and proceeded to walk there when something clicked inside his head.

If he wanted her to listen he couldn't barge into the bathroom and claim her there.

He shook his head and instead walked into her room. Spike sat on the bed and listened to the shower and the soft humming noises Buffy was making.

He knew that sooner or later she'd feel him, but he pushed the thought away. He began fantasizing about her and the time they spent together and tried to remember the good times.

Unfortunately, there were no good times. At least, nothing came to his mind, except for some things he didn't want to think about. He looked around, trying to erase the thoughts that had entered his mind and his eyes fell on something important. An old book that had little hearts painted on, as well as flowers and some other things, just lying atop Buffy's drawer. He reached for it and noticed that it was her diary. Another idea assaulted his mind and he decided that if she felt something for him then it would be written down on the book. Spike carefully opened the book and began reading some passages.

He instantly regretted it because most of the first pages were entirely devoted to his grandsire. 'Angel this' and 'Angel that' and many other sentences that praised the souled wonder filled most of the book's contents. Spike skipped many entries and found out that Buffy had stopped writing for a while and had only resumed writing a few days before she died. He began reading, curious as of what could she had written about him. He frowned when he found very few entries about him. He retraced the pages and looked for something that remotely talked about him. He didn't find his name, only vague references to him, as the 'bleached idiot' or 'souless' monster. That disturbed him even more, because if she couldn't even refer to him by his name in that private space, then what could he expect? However, when he thought that nothing could hurt him more, another thing happened, he stumbled upon a special entry, highlighted by the presence of a single photograph. Angel and Buffy, holding each other, smiling at the camera. Spike felt something tug at his dead heart when he read what was written under the photo glued to the paper.

'Happiest day of my life.'

He closed the book and placed it where he had found it. The thoughts that he tried to avoid came back full force.

Spike only remembered Buffy being happy when she was with the grand poof. He only remembered her smiling when she was with him or thinking about him.

Not Spike, never Spike.

He buried his head in his hands. He had walked inside her house to find something that could help their relationship, but he only succeeded in finding something that made him see how much he had hurt her and how he could never make her smile.

So that was it? His heart screamed no but his mind slowly worked and told him what he feared to acknowledge.

"She'll always love him." He whispered to himself. "He was her first love, the only one who got the whole package."

Anger flared through him. The git had left her and had destroyed any chance for her to love someone again.

Then how come the diary only reflected her adoration for the poofster and why was it still on her drawer, proof that she still read it and sighed at her lost love?

Spike's thoughts were cut short when he realized that the sound of the shower had disappeared and that the slayer was probably on her way to her room. Panic rushed over Spike and he leapt out of her window, fearing that she had sensed him or worse. He ran off, not noticing that the slayer was oblivious of his presence and had simply plopped on her bed.

Spike ran without direction or purpose, the same thoughts running through his mind. After a while, he stopped and looked up. She had already broken up with him and it seemed that she didn't trust him. 'Never' she had told him once, and now it was pretty obvious that she meant it.

Spike allowed himself a moment of self-pity and cursed his fate. Was there a point in his existence where he'd get the girl? Not likely, and he had lost both of them to the same man.

Maybe that was the problem, Buffy thought of Angel as a man, and she thought of him as shit. Not that he could blame her, not at that point.

Had he disappointed her that much? Had he been nothing more than a distraction?

Spike knew the answer to that, and it killed another part of his heart. He wanted to cry but he was so tired of it. He only wanted her to be happy and be the Buffy he had fallen in love with. 

A new determination entered his mind, for all he wanted was to see that girl happy again. Who cared about the way he felt?

He bitterly realized that no one in the whole universe did.

End of chapter