Introduction

Once upon a time in a cold, distant land, there lived a maiden. Her hair was like flames, and her eyes like the sea. She was of no great stature, but buxom and sweet-faced. She was, in fact, much more clever than she was beautiful, and she was not a princess, but a poor college student. The cold, distant land was Connecticut which on an October morning with the window open is, indeed, very cold, even if, like this sensible young maiden, you are practically garbed a dark grey sweatsuit, wool socks, and black ankle boots.

Nevermind what the maiden looked like. It was what she was doing that was important. She had a blender--which technically was against the fire safety codes for her dorm room--into which she added several Ranma 1/2 manga, the Andrew Lang Colored Fairy books, and several limes. "Hmm," she said with a smile. "This should work."

A male voice interrupted her, as a plot device dropped her boyfriend into the room. "Are you trying to cook again? Are you really sure you should do that? Remember the rice?"

Having spent far too much time reading the aforementioned Ranma manga before adding them to the blender, she sensibly turned around to hit said boyfriend with a mallet. "Don't insult my cooking, you jerk!" There was a slight pause. "Oops. Sorry. Instinct."

"It's a good thing that's a boffer mallet," was his response. "Are you making a dessert? Your desserts always turn out amazing."

"Actually, I'm not sure what it is," she replied. "It's more of a sauce than anything else. Though I think it will be sweet."

"Yeah, you've already made a salt."

She groaned at the dreadful pun. "Alright, enough nonsense from you. Try it." She pushed a spoon of the odd mixture at him.

"Um, okay." He swallowed the pale brown concoction. "Not bad. I think a lemon flavor would be nicer though."

"Can't. . . . "

"Oh, yeah, right." The boyfriend grimaced. "Well, in that case, I think there's one more thing it needs . . . "

"What?"

He whispered in her ear, and her eyes widened. "Oh!"

And she quickly added the final ingredient. ". . . And they lived happily ever after."

"Boffer" refers to a weapon made primarily of foam and duct tape, but with a solid core. They can be used to block, but can also be swung full force without doing any damage. They are often used in LARPs or by other lunatics with sword fetishes--like me and my boyfriend.