I do not (and never will) own Avengers, for a genius is the one behind this beautiful creation that makes me one big mess of a fangirl.~
The story is plain genderless, for I believe that everyone can have their own shipping (and the fact that I don't think there's need of a gender for love.), and I respect that. The characters in this are going to start narrating in the back of your mind as you read, in my own experience, my interpretation of the couple changed several times while reading, so it's okay if you ship something with Thunder, something with Frost, something with Hawk, something with Black, something with Iron, something with, well... whatever you ship in this marvelous fandom...
I tried my best with this, and it's my first fanfiction in the Avengers theme, so it might be stupid, but I was truly inspired by a Japanese Song called 'Last Song'. Yamai's version is breathtaking, and I would be happy if you listened to it while reading - altought you do not have to do it.
Last Song.
I remember listening to a song… a song so sad and heartbreaking it stole my heart the first time I heard it. I have no idea what it meant, probably I will never know.
The song touched my heart to the point of being able to forgive everything I've done… for it is a long list, indeed. It made me remember things I had forgotten long ago, things I had decided to forget… and also things so important they should have never left my mind.
It made me recall a love that was strong in the past – and could only become stronger; it made me remember when nights were not cold against my skin… when someone was with me under the bed sheets; when that someone was able to make everything better.
I am not able to remember how our lips used to touch tenderly anymore; I have forgotten how we used to hold each other at night... I have forgotten a lot of things I won't remember anymore… and remember things I probably shouldn't have said... words I shouldn't have kept to myself.
Meanwhile those things – as unimportant as they were- , only live in the past… they are a part of it. They were a part of us… and they are still a part of me.
It pains me to see that after I've recalled all of these little things – important things… you walk away as if it never meant anything to you. I hope you are trying to forget, but it pains me so that you show no remorse for the things we have done to hurt each other; you've forgotten the laughter that filled our rooms, the tears we've cried… everything we did – together.
I wish I knew you as I did before… that way I would be able to tell if you're lying to me when you say horrible things of me when I'm gone… that way I would be able to know if I still mean anything to you… but I do remember how you use to evade things. That piercing glance you shot every time I enter to a room, devastates me – for I know you are trying to disregard me; you despise me to my very core… and I can see that. I won't blame you, I've done horrible things… things that should never be forgiven – but you've done horrible things in the past, too... I know too well.
But now it's not the time to blame someone for things that brought only pain… even if we had brought it because we had wanted to.
We are quite tricky, aren't we? We want to be forgiven – and yet we do not forgive others. Both of us… we will always be the exact opposite from what we desire from people…
I hadn't given it such a thought until I could see how you voiced your need for a forgiveness, I knew you wouldn't be able to return – for your heart wouldn't allow it…
You always had problems with feelings… and I understand that I was an idiot to not be able to see such a thing before. But I am afraid that I can't read into your eyes any longer… it seems like they have changed with your heart.
I've been wondering if taking different sides – while having to coexist -, was something wise to do. I keep wondering if it was all just the biggest mistake I had ever committed in my life; but I am not to judge that… for my ability to do so was changed with time, for it brought me trouble back then as it does now.
If I could be able to forget our insecurities, maybe all would be different now; maybe we would still be together. Maybe we would be able to speak freely about our feelings… although I do know better than anyone you're not good at that.
Alexithymia is such a dreadful thing to bear with, even with all we've gone through. It's quite easy to suffer from its' effects. The incapacity of expressing feelings to other people – other than yourself, is something none should be meant to bear. Your words tighten your throat, they suffocate you, and you have no idea of what you were trying to explain anymore. And you try to hide behind walls of fake security and sane mental health, while you can actually picture your stability crumbling to the floor – you can actually see the walls collapsing, breaking into tiny little pieces until they are nothing more than dust itching your eyes and throat... It feels horrible, does it not?
Your heart starts fearing for the worst, since you never know who might judge your feelings. Revealing the darkest emotional states that come from the deep bottom of your heart, might as well be the end of the relationship you once held with another. Your chest tightens with that insecurity… for it's quite easy to be hurt; as it's easy to hear and feel your heart breaking.
It's easier to let the tears slip down your cheekbones after hearing words as empty as "I'm sorry." … and you can't make you heart control them, you wouldn't know another way to get over the stressful interrogations that blurred your mind; they are the reason why you can keep on living with that pain… you understand that even with your broken heart. You still have the capacity to feel – and that is the reason why you can hold on for dear life…
Have you ever felt your chest tightening so hard that you can almost feel your heart miss a couple of beats? Do you have any idea of how much it aches to know all the answers to the questions that dwell up both in your heart and mind? Do you know how it feels to be able to see the answers to everything you may ask, knowing by now that those answers will not carry the desired answer you are looking for?
Well… I felt that ache on my chest the first time I told you I loved you.
Everything we've done… have you truly forgotten? Aren't you one of a kind? You could let time slip in vague seconds, you were able to defend your opinions with nothing more than a fierce glance… You were able to stop people with just your presence…
But after all of this, the only thing I can do is be on the background; always present as a decoration – not even muttering a word of comfort, hoping that one day your eyes will fall upon me with nothing more than wonder.
And then but just then, you will be able to understand how much we are hurting each other right now... Even with all that hate that poisons your heart and mind; I can still see it or at least I like believing I can. I believe I can see how your heart desires that I would plant a kiss as fierce as fire on your lips. And then you would stop thinking for you are muttering words that beg for forgiveness. And that would make me think I am stupid enough to trust the lies that escape your lips, although I know better than anyone they are not lies. But I would still believe the contrary.
How can you allow yourself to forget something so beautiful? How can you forget the sweet words we muttered at night? How can you forget every little thing we forgave? How dare you forget the moment we gave each other's heart another chance? In hope those questions do not dwell in my mind enough for me to be as stupid to voice them… I will stop thinking as hard as I am now. Everything will be alright as long as I keep myself on the background, evading every little detail that might bring my attetion to you; that may cause my imagination to run free. That would probably unleash every little thing I had thought of you... and spilling those intimate secrets, would be as risky as giving an enemy your weapon, while you stand defenseless.
They do say thinking is a dangerous pastime, my dear.
Fin.