Forgettable Past
Disclaimer: The characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Velvet Goldmine belongs to Miramax. Jonathan Rhys Meyers wearing glitter makeup belongs in my bed.
A.N.- I much prefer Remus/Sirius and I never even considered Remus/Severus, but a friend challenged me, so here it is.
Lots of Velvet Goldmine's soundtrack in the mix.
* means some time has passed.
¨´¨`¨´¨`¨´¨`¨´¨`¨´¨`¨´¨`¨´¨`¨´¨`¨
I've never met anyone with eyes like yours. Black. Deep, deep black. I can't even tell the centre from the rest. It's as if the whole eye is looking at me.
*
"Mother's sick again, Lupin?" You ask me with a smirk. Malfoy stands nearby with his goons and that snobbish blond thing that is his girlfriend.
James and Sirius jump to my defence, shooing you away.
But when you look back over your shoulder, I can see suspicion shining in your black eyes.
*
Perfect hands stirring a simmering cauldron. Shining in potions. Like you always do.
*
I watch you as you follow us everywhere we go. You're persistent, I'll give you that. Your deep black eyes upon me. Demanding to know my curse.
I fear and hope that you'll come to our table. A sharp sarcastic remark ready on your lips. Your beautiful lips.
Sirius always hated you.
Oh, the plot is so bewitching.
The fact that you're now haunting our every step is not helping matters.
*
Have you noticed? When you walk in all the fairy boys get very nervous.
*
I want you. I've wanted other boys before, but not like I want you.
They call me a creature of darkness. Maybe that's why I'm attracted to you. You have no light. Not even in your eyes.
*
Swishing school robes. Hardened expressions. Broad shoulders straight and proud. You always seem ready for a duel.
Dark. All about you, dark. Like a raven. An omen of welcomed death.
I want you so much it hurts. But I'll never have you. You or anybody else. Who'd want a werewolf? I don't want myself. You never will.
When you insult me your black eyes always glint with malice. I wonder what would you do if I told you what I'm really thinking then.
Cold, scowling boy. I want to be your toy.
*
Something's wrong. I know it. The moment I come back.
I insist but they will not tell me a thing.
James and Sirius are not speaking to each other.
I jokingly ask why are they having a lover's row when I'm the gay one.
The boys are not amused and that means something is really, really wrong.
Peter is the one who tells me.
I stare in shock.
Are you… You can't… You're not…?
I run out of Gryffindor Tower to search for you.
This pain. No one should carry it but me. Not you. Not you!
I find you in one of potions' storerooms.
You're paler. You're hurt. You're alive. But are you…
I don't even think. I throw myself into your arms. My hands blindly feel your face, tracing the scratch across you cheekbone. I sob.
"Did I… Was it… Was it me? Tell me I didn't!
You just stand there. Shaking your head. Black empty eyes.
"No. It was the willow."
You realize our position and push me away from you.
Anger and disgust in your beautiful eyes.
"Werewolf."
Yes. I know. That's is what I am. Then why does it hurt like an insult?
The truth doesn't hurt unless it ought to.
I cry. Relief and hurt and love.
"I love you. I thought I had killed you. Or worse. Turned you into myself."
Words don't express my meaning.
I manage to get up. Despite the silent warning in your black eyes I move forward.
Put my arms around you.
"IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou…"
You don't push me away.
I cry.
This is such a sad affair to have.
But when I kiss you and you hold me in your arms, I do not care.
We do it like we're friends.
*
You're the grand one.
Come and court me.
Because this wooing is what I'm wanting.
*
Everywhere I see your face.
Nothing on this earth could hold me prisoner, my dear. Except for contemplation of your dark beauty.
*
We keep meeting. In dark corners, empty classrooms.
I feel guilty. If the boys knew.
Guilty for not having enough shame to love someone who loves me back.
To love someone who doesn't despise me.
But when life doesn't want me and neither does this world, being in your arms is all that I need. Even if for you I could be anyone else. Preferably be anyone else.
*
My head is on your shoulder. Ties undone. I tell you all the truths you refuse to acknowledge. Truths that would keep you away from the darkness where I reside, if you would only listen to them. Keep you from becoming a Death Eater.
"You can't live your life in darkness, my love. You were born for stardom's crown and not for self denial."
You tell me to shut up.
And I do.
*
Funny how some people never seem to love at all.
*
I'm broken.
My friends are dead. Sirius is as good as dead and not a friend anymore.
I don't ask if you know anything about their deaths. About the boy.
That's not how it works with us.
I don't seem to deserve that much from you.
How can I be nothing to you and you be everything to me?
*
Wipe away tears.
Long time since we're together. Now I hope it's forever.
*
We are outside. Stargazing.
My head on your shoulder. You study the constellations dispassionately.
I talk to you about love.
That love is extraterrestrial. And love comes from the stars. That we should treasure it, when we find it, in this life of ours.
"I haven't found it yet." Your dry response.
Though sometimes you break my heart, I hide my tears.
*
I stand here.
You're destroying my belief in love.
It's so hard, when one lowers one's guard to recover it.
You say you don't need me anymore.
You don't deny you desired me.
You don't deny you never loved me.
You understand I always will.
*
Dumbledore asks me. I accept it, of course.
Dumbledore knows why. I can see it in his eyes. Pity. For me. I don't care.
Just to be near you again is intoxicating.
You didn't want me here. Still don't.
I couldn't help it. Now I understand why.
*
I never thought it could hurt this much.
All the love you never gave me. It's all there.
For a girl old enough to be our daughter. Not ours of course. But yours, or mine.
And I feel guilty for hating her. When it's as much her fault as mine or yours. Probably even less.
*
See me tumbling down.
When your black eyes stop being hard and cold and turn warm and liquid when she shows her brightness. Which is all the time.
When I see you waiting patiently that she'll want you as you want her.
Perhaps she already does. How could she not?
I see her glance your way.
Yes. She does.
But now I know you've found another.
So will someone please find me.
*
Have you noticed how unbearably beautiful the ones we love look when they are walking out the door, leaving us behind?
Leaving us with all the dead and broken things that belong in their forgettable past.
THE END
Disclaimer: The characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Velvet Goldmine belongs to Miramax. Jonathan Rhys Meyers wearing glitter makeup belongs in my bed.
A.N.- I much prefer Remus/Sirius and I never even considered Remus/Severus, but a friend challenged me, so here it is.
Lots of Velvet Goldmine's soundtrack in the mix.
* means some time has passed.
¨´¨`¨´¨`¨´¨`¨´¨`¨´¨`¨´¨`¨´¨`¨´¨`¨
I've never met anyone with eyes like yours. Black. Deep, deep black. I can't even tell the centre from the rest. It's as if the whole eye is looking at me.
*
"Mother's sick again, Lupin?" You ask me with a smirk. Malfoy stands nearby with his goons and that snobbish blond thing that is his girlfriend.
James and Sirius jump to my defence, shooing you away.
But when you look back over your shoulder, I can see suspicion shining in your black eyes.
*
Perfect hands stirring a simmering cauldron. Shining in potions. Like you always do.
*
I watch you as you follow us everywhere we go. You're persistent, I'll give you that. Your deep black eyes upon me. Demanding to know my curse.
I fear and hope that you'll come to our table. A sharp sarcastic remark ready on your lips. Your beautiful lips.
Sirius always hated you.
Oh, the plot is so bewitching.
The fact that you're now haunting our every step is not helping matters.
*
Have you noticed? When you walk in all the fairy boys get very nervous.
*
I want you. I've wanted other boys before, but not like I want you.
They call me a creature of darkness. Maybe that's why I'm attracted to you. You have no light. Not even in your eyes.
*
Swishing school robes. Hardened expressions. Broad shoulders straight and proud. You always seem ready for a duel.
Dark. All about you, dark. Like a raven. An omen of welcomed death.
I want you so much it hurts. But I'll never have you. You or anybody else. Who'd want a werewolf? I don't want myself. You never will.
When you insult me your black eyes always glint with malice. I wonder what would you do if I told you what I'm really thinking then.
Cold, scowling boy. I want to be your toy.
*
Something's wrong. I know it. The moment I come back.
I insist but they will not tell me a thing.
James and Sirius are not speaking to each other.
I jokingly ask why are they having a lover's row when I'm the gay one.
The boys are not amused and that means something is really, really wrong.
Peter is the one who tells me.
I stare in shock.
Are you… You can't… You're not…?
I run out of Gryffindor Tower to search for you.
This pain. No one should carry it but me. Not you. Not you!
I find you in one of potions' storerooms.
You're paler. You're hurt. You're alive. But are you…
I don't even think. I throw myself into your arms. My hands blindly feel your face, tracing the scratch across you cheekbone. I sob.
"Did I… Was it… Was it me? Tell me I didn't!
You just stand there. Shaking your head. Black empty eyes.
"No. It was the willow."
You realize our position and push me away from you.
Anger and disgust in your beautiful eyes.
"Werewolf."
Yes. I know. That's is what I am. Then why does it hurt like an insult?
The truth doesn't hurt unless it ought to.
I cry. Relief and hurt and love.
"I love you. I thought I had killed you. Or worse. Turned you into myself."
Words don't express my meaning.
I manage to get up. Despite the silent warning in your black eyes I move forward.
Put my arms around you.
"IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou…"
You don't push me away.
I cry.
This is such a sad affair to have.
But when I kiss you and you hold me in your arms, I do not care.
We do it like we're friends.
*
You're the grand one.
Come and court me.
Because this wooing is what I'm wanting.
*
Everywhere I see your face.
Nothing on this earth could hold me prisoner, my dear. Except for contemplation of your dark beauty.
*
We keep meeting. In dark corners, empty classrooms.
I feel guilty. If the boys knew.
Guilty for not having enough shame to love someone who loves me back.
To love someone who doesn't despise me.
But when life doesn't want me and neither does this world, being in your arms is all that I need. Even if for you I could be anyone else. Preferably be anyone else.
*
My head is on your shoulder. Ties undone. I tell you all the truths you refuse to acknowledge. Truths that would keep you away from the darkness where I reside, if you would only listen to them. Keep you from becoming a Death Eater.
"You can't live your life in darkness, my love. You were born for stardom's crown and not for self denial."
You tell me to shut up.
And I do.
*
Funny how some people never seem to love at all.
*
I'm broken.
My friends are dead. Sirius is as good as dead and not a friend anymore.
I don't ask if you know anything about their deaths. About the boy.
That's not how it works with us.
I don't seem to deserve that much from you.
How can I be nothing to you and you be everything to me?
*
Wipe away tears.
Long time since we're together. Now I hope it's forever.
*
We are outside. Stargazing.
My head on your shoulder. You study the constellations dispassionately.
I talk to you about love.
That love is extraterrestrial. And love comes from the stars. That we should treasure it, when we find it, in this life of ours.
"I haven't found it yet." Your dry response.
Though sometimes you break my heart, I hide my tears.
*
I stand here.
You're destroying my belief in love.
It's so hard, when one lowers one's guard to recover it.
You say you don't need me anymore.
You don't deny you desired me.
You don't deny you never loved me.
You understand I always will.
*
Dumbledore asks me. I accept it, of course.
Dumbledore knows why. I can see it in his eyes. Pity. For me. I don't care.
Just to be near you again is intoxicating.
You didn't want me here. Still don't.
I couldn't help it. Now I understand why.
*
I never thought it could hurt this much.
All the love you never gave me. It's all there.
For a girl old enough to be our daughter. Not ours of course. But yours, or mine.
And I feel guilty for hating her. When it's as much her fault as mine or yours. Probably even less.
*
See me tumbling down.
When your black eyes stop being hard and cold and turn warm and liquid when she shows her brightness. Which is all the time.
When I see you waiting patiently that she'll want you as you want her.
Perhaps she already does. How could she not?
I see her glance your way.
Yes. She does.
But now I know you've found another.
So will someone please find me.
*
Have you noticed how unbearably beautiful the ones we love look when they are walking out the door, leaving us behind?
Leaving us with all the dead and broken things that belong in their forgettable past.
THE END