Brothers on a Hotel Bed

by Devil Lace

It's been five years since Roxas and Sora have last seen each other after their last moment at the train station. And this last moment is pivotal for them: Do they come to terms with everything they had been through and learn from their mistakes, our let their past come in between them yet again? "You know, I always thought it'd be you and me against the world..." IOT epilogue

A/N: There we go, the last of the journey with these boys. Be on the look out for my next chaptered stories, an AkuRoku and SoRoku coming to a screen near you...sometime. Hope you enjoy the cheesy, dramatic epilogue.

.oOo.

Brothers on a Hotel Bed
a one-shot epilogue to If Only Tonight We Could Sleep

.oOo.

There it was—the sound I had been waiting for. The creaky sound of the door opening. And there was the face I had been waiting for. And as soon as I saw him, it wasn't hard to see how much five years had really made a difference.

So different since the last time I saw him. When I had left him at the Twilight Town Train Station those years ago. Five years to be exact. Had it really been that long? Five whole years since I last saw my own brother? It just felt too surreal. And even if Sora was my twin and all, he sure was a sight for sore eyes.

It was so strange seeing him again, so I had to look away, and I felt all those emotions rush back to me that I hadn't felt since the last time I saw him. Ya know, the ones only Sora could ever make me feel. My hands sweat, my heart beat, and I swear, I lost all of the greetings I had rehearsed myself saying just hours prior.

So thankfully, Sora spoke first. "Wow," he said, letting out a breath that it seemed he had been holding. And I looked up and saw the way his eyes were beaming, fresh with light, and he had that classic smile on his face that was just so Sora. I think that's what made me fall in love with him the first place.

But right now wasn't the time to think about love and relationships, right? Sora just got here. The best thing to do was to give us some time to say to greet each other first. It had been five years after all.

"Yeah, same here," I said, scratching at the back of my neck, and offering a half sort of smile.

"It's good to see you. Really," he said, arms outspread, but he just stood there, as if he was waiting? Waiting for me to jump into his arms and hug him? I wasn't sure, but this here just seemed so weird. Awkward maybe? Maybe, since the last time we had seen each other was a pretty intense time.

Leaving had probably been one of the hardest things I had chosen to do, and a moment in my life that I still wondered if it had been the right thing to do.

After spending so many years apart from him, and having some time to do a little thinking to myself, I had to admit that our relationship had been rocky. There was a lot I hadn't learned, especially since we were both young, and I was so stubborn. I felt that emotional roller coaster we had been on had wrecked me. I felt I hadn't, emotionally, been able to handle it all, and I hadn't wanted to drag Sora down with me. Despite the fact that I loved him so much, I still felt like I had done the right thing.

For me at least.

"Come here," he said with a laugh, and I hesitated before taking a few steps forward, and after so many years, I fell into his arms, smiling against his shoulder, and reveling in the way his arms curled around me even tighter. Wow, had I missed this. I didn't realize what I was giving up until I had already left. And there were the little moments like getting to just fall into my brother's arms, and feel his fingertips rubbing my back, feel his nose brushing against my neck, that I had given up too.

Had I really just left it all behind? Just because I was too scared to deal with what I had created for myself. What I had wanted? No matter how much time I had spent thinking back on my decisions, our decision to involve ourselves in that, I still had doubts. After all, I had just been a kid. I still was. Not even twenty-five yet. So, how was I supposed to know so much about this world and what was the right thing for me? For Sora.

I guess, back then, I had thought I had been responsible, and put on my big boy pants to try and make a decision that I thought would be better for the both of us.

I could still catch the familiar scent of Sora and his pheromones, as well as the same scent of vanilla shampoo that I used to use. And I pulled away a little, so I could look at his face, into his eyes, just to catch a glimpse of just how much or little he had changed.

Without a doubt, he had grown taller. The both of us had, so I was still able to bury my nose into the crook of his neck just right. And I know, mentally, I had done a lot of growing up. I was sure Sora had too. But still, there was so much good in him, so much that was just so right about him, that I hoped hadn't been lost. I sincerely hoped he hadn't changed. But when he looked at me, and smiled, I knew there was a light there that hadn't gone out.

I had been afraid I might had extinguished it, or at least been a part of it.

I stepped away and took in a deep breath. I wasn't really sure what I should say, or rather, what I shouldn't say, as Sora finally stood before me. It kind of felt like it was some sort of dream, and I was going to watch up any second covered in a sheen of sweat (and maybe even an erection). I couldn't even count the number of times I dreamed about Sora—seeing him again. It was tough; it had definitely been tough without him. T

"You got taller," Sora said, breaking the ice we had been tip-toeing on, with a toothy grin that made my heart skip a beat. Sora sure knew how to make my flustered—make my knees weak even!-with just a curl of his lips and a laugh. "You look different."

I shifted my feet and scratched the back of my neck with a nervous laugh. "Heh, so have you," I said, looking up at him with a shy smile. "Look," I said as I stuck out my tongue, punctured with a year-old silver barbell that I had gotten on a whimsy one night. Sora's jaw nearly hit the ground, and he leaned forward, inspecting it with wide-eyes.

"Whoa, you got your tongue pierced?" I could see the crept red color on his cheeks, and he seemed taken aback that I, of all people, would get my tongue pierced. I had always been apprehensive of needles after all. "This is so weird—so surreal, you know?" He asked as he ran his hand over his eyes, trying to soak everything in. "It's like, is anything of this for real?"

"I know, right." Obviously it was impossible for me to come up with something other than a three word sentence in Sora's presence, which was hard, seeing as there was so much I wanted to say. I had pictured what our meeting would be like hundreds of times, and still, after all of those played out scenarios, I still had no idea which direction would be the right one to take. I didn't know where to act cool, aloof, like I wasn't jumping around on the inside at the mere sight of him, or—on the opposite end of the spectrum—whether I should gush about how much I had missed him, how much I wanted to hug him when he stepped through that door. How much I wanted to just kiss him...to tell him how much I missed us.

But I didn't. I tried to pretend that I wasn't nearly jumping out of my skin in excitement.

"Sorry we had to meet up in a hotel," I said, clearing my throat as my eyes glanced over the unfamiliar beds, the unfamiliar walls. How was it that everything could feel so foreign? Even my brother. "I didn't want to bring you back to my dorm room. My roommate can be … well, an asshole," I said with a small laugh. I had been been dorming with him for a couple of semesters now. The first thing I noticed about him was the fact that he reminded me so much of Axel, with his obnoxious red hair and even more obnoxious attitude. I didn't really want to bring Sora around anyone that might remind him of Axel, and besides, I thought it'd be better if we got some alone time anyway so we could really catch up.

"That's okay."

Once again there was a tense moment that passed between us. Sora looked nervous, and I watched the way he chewed on his bottom lip, watching me with an uncertainty that was apparent in the both of us. Sure it had been a while, but had it really been so long that my brother had turned into a stranger?

When I first left to Traverse Town, Sora and I talked non-stop, every day. It had been that way for a while, until time passed, and things changed, and soon days became weeks, weeks became months that we didn't talk. This was probably the first time in several months that I even heard his voice.

"I haven't even gotten a chance to talk to you in how many months?" I asked, unsatisfied that it had been so long since I had gotten a chance to talk to him. Was he really that busy? And if I had wanted to talk to him so bad why wasn't it that I just called him up?

We had turned into strangers with enough memories to last a lifetime; enough emotions to completely suffocate me.

"I'm sorry. Guess we've just been busy," he said as he rubbed the back of his neck, frowning, apologizing wordlessly with his eyes. "I missed you." I was happy to hear him say it. Of course he had, I knew that, even if it had went unspoken. But now that it was drifting in the air, out loud, I couldn't help but smile, smile and just get a tiny glimpse of my brother again.

"Yeah, missed you too," I said, and began to think about everything that had actually happened the past few years. There was the guy I dated for a while, Terra. Sora knew about him. We were still talking every day at that point. But I feel like when I started dating Terra was when the distance really started.

I had almost felt like … maybe I had loved Terra. But there was always something holding me back, and Terra knew it. Every time he looked at me I could see that look in his eyes. He never said anything. Not until I did, and our relationship came to a screeching halt after he and I had a serious talk. We remained friends, but at that point, I resumed what I figured would be an eternity of loneliness.

I wondered what Sora had gotten to see; what he had gotten to experience. A part of me wanted to wrap myself up with him and laugh and cry with him as he told me his journey. But another part of me know I didn't deserve it. I chose not to be a part of it, after all.

"What should we do then? We have the whole day," Sora said as he spread his arms out above his head, clasped his fingers behind it, and smiled at me.

I didn't want to be stuck in the hotel room all day long. That wouldn't be fun for either of us. And I had already eaten.

But there was one place here in Traverse Town where I had spent countless moments. It was my solitude; it was where I could think. And where better than to bring Sora to a place I had yet to share with anyone else.

"I know, let's go for a drive," I said before grabbing his hand, and rushing out the door to my car.

And as we left, I hoped to leave that little boy behind, the one from my past, who had been afraid of finding himself.

.oOo.

There was nothing better than hearing my brother's laughter; see his cheeks red with hysterics with his head thrown back. It was as if I had never left. It was as if our relationship hadn't even skipped a beat. Aside from the fact that sitting beside him was a struggle in itself because I had to resist just leaning over towards him to grab his hand, to touch his face, to kiss him. I couldn't, even thought he was within arms reach, just to the right of me in the passenger's seat.

"Even if you don't like Riku, you got to admit that's pretty funny."

I rolled my eyes, but I was still laughing. "That was back then," I said with a wave of my head. Riku wasn't nearly as much of a berserk button as he had been in high school. I was ashamed of my tendency to grow jealous, and even in the throes of it all, I still knew it was wrong. Every time I took my envy out on Sora, I knew how wrong it was. That wasn't what love was; that was just my way of closing him off, of keeping him close. I was scared of losing him; so scared he'd come to his senses.

And that jealously hadn't been fair to Sora, and I hadn't felt like I was any good for him.

"That was when you were dating?" I asked, more calm bringing up the topic than I would have been a couple of years ago, that was for sure.

It was like Christmas when Sora told me he was dating Riku, and not in the festive way. I had seen so much green, so much red. Jealousy, anger; there was so much I had felt that I hadn't been able to see straight. But above all, there was a sadness there because I realized I hadn't done any growing like I thought I had. All the progress I thought I made was completely tossed out a ten-story window, and I was alone with my realization.

If I made the personal decision to give up my relationship with Sora for a better peace of mind, then Sora could make the personal decision to do whatever he wanted in my absence. And what he wanted was Riku.

"Yeah," Sora said, glancing at me through the corner of his eye, as if he waiting for some sort of reaction from me. Some bout of anger, maybe? But I wasn't going to give it to him. "Anyways, that's how he got short hair. It looked weird, so I dumped him," Sora said with a laugh as he punched me in the shoulder, playful, and it erased the small negative storm that had begun to cloud my mind. Okay, so maybe Riku was still a bit of a sore spot, but at least Sora had this easy way of patching it up.

"That's not the real reason," I said with a laugh as I let my head fall against the headrest.

"Being with Riku wasn't all that great," he said, rolling his eyes over to look at me, the corner of his lip upturned in a mischievous smirk that I wasn't used to see on his soft face. "I wasn't as in to him as I thought I was. Besides, I think it was just something I did to pass the time. I think he knew too. I think the last straw was when he spent like four hours in the bathroom getting ready though," he said with a laugh, rubbing his hand over his face as he laughed to himself, shoulders shaking.

I wondered why Sora was laughing so much, but his words echoed. A selfish part of me was happy that Sora hadn't felt anything special with Riku. It would have been tough to see Sora and Riku, limbs entwined, smiling faces, growing older together, while I just stood on the side-lines watching with some sort of distorted entitled feeling that that should be me with Sora.

In a way, I still felt like it should be.

"I guess that's how it was with Terra. We weren't that compatible," I said, shrugging.

"I thought you really liked him," he said as he turned to me, brow quirked. "What happened between you two? I mean, why did you guys break up?"

It was because I had decided I wasn't going to hide my past anymore. I wasn't going to hide from the most pivotal point in my life. And at that moment, when I told Terra, I was almost positive our relationship would be over. And I made peace with that. It wasn't only because Terra and I had been having problems, though that had been a factor. It was because I knew Terra wasn't who I wanted. And it was when we were lying together in his bed, after a bout of angry sex, that I decided to come clean with my past.

I told him the secret infatuation I had for my brother over the years, and when Sora finally found out, it turned into something neither of us had expected. A rush of lust and infatuation that turned into tenderness, love. I even admitted that I still loved my brother, and still to that day, to this day, I thought about what could have been, and what I wished I could retrieve.

He had been surprised that was for sure, but despite the fact that he didn't understand what I had went through, couldn't possibly understand, he told me he'd give me my space.

And so I told Sora that, although I left out a few parts, the parts about how I felt about Sora now, and watched the way he blinked back surprise, lips pursed. I couldn't tell what he was thinking, and my hands, nervously, began to play with the bottom of my shirt. Maybe I had said to much, I wondered, when I saw Sora lean his elbow on the side of the car and look out the window.

The humid summer heat drifted in, and didn't help the tight feeling in my throat I already had from my bundled-up nerves.

Up here in the mountains, parked along the overpass that looked over the entire city, there was a heavy silence. An eerie silence almost. It was just Sora and I amidst the mountains and the birds singing into the sticky, summer air.

And when we were silent, we were silent.

And when that awkward tension passed, the seconds dragged.

"We don't need 'em anyway," I finally said. There were enough Terra's and Riku's to go around, but there was only one Sora. And here I was lucky enough to get to spend the entire weekend with him. And here we were, drowning in an uncomfortable quiet. "It'll just be you and me." Just like it always should have.

"Well, kind of," he said, his eyes rolling over to look at me, a quirk in his brow that I couldn't mistake for anything but annoyance.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, suddenly self-conscious of all that I had admitted. Maybe there was more on Sora's mind than he had shown me. Maybe Sora had a facade on this entire time, and I had failed to notice. Although closer now than we were an hour ago, we had still drifted apart, and so it was more than likely that I couldn't recognize Sora's true feelings underneath his exterior. Not how I used to be able to do.

Again, silence. And this silence was more painful than the rest. More loud and deafening than any blaring noise I had ever heard. Sora wasn't even looking at me anymore, no, he just stared out the window, and I had no idea what he was thinking, how he was feeling.

Until finally, he turned to look at me, a frown set on his face, brows creased, and he was the spitting image of me when I looked in the mirror and saw that sad, confused little boy. The boy who was, above all, angry. Angry at the world, at himself, at everyone else.

It hurt to see his face like that, distorted from the usual contented smile I was so used to seeing.

"It wasn't you and me. You know, I thought it was going to be you and me against the world, but as soon as the world turned against us, you left me by myself."

I let it register, let it sink in, and sat there, stupid and blinking because I had nothing to even say. There it was, laid out in front of me like a fucking picture, how Sora really felt and had hid for five years, and I didn't even have one thing to say. Nothing that sounded intelligent or sincere, at least.

"Do you regret leaving?" Sora asked, brows knitted together, lips still pursed as he stared at me with the most serious expression I think I had ever seen on his face. How he went from smiling to serious in the matter of seconds was unlike him, and I was curious as to when Sora turned into me.

How could I have even said no after what he had just told me?

I opened my mouth, but there was no words. I looked down, up, anything to avoid his hard stare, and even though I knew he was waiting for an answer, I knew I wasn't going to give him the one he wanted to hear.

"Things are different now. I'm different now. And I guess that counts for something. So do I regret leaving? I don't know."

Wrong answer, I thought, as soon as Sora reacted. That face he gave me was certainly...unique.

He snorted, and asked, "What's the real reason you left?" He asked, and I was just now noticing how hardened his face had become. So much different than he was five years ago when everything was soft and rounded and happy. Even his face was sharper, his looks more pointed, that stern line of his lips had a lot more of a serious edge to it. Sora had definitely changed, and I was realizing it now.

And it was obvious that he didn't understand why I had left. He didn't realize that it had been a personal decision, a choice only I could make, and I did. I decided to leave because there was a lot of strain on our relationship, and emotionally, I couldn't handle it. How could I be expected to be involved in a relationship with him, when I wasn't in control of myself?

"Was it because you didn't want to be with me anymore? You couldn't handle it?"

Soon enough, I was getting mad, and even if I didn't have the right to be, there was still something in his tone that made me bitter. It left a bad taste in my mouth, and I couldn't understand why. I was surprised that after five years, he still hadn't let go of that anger. He had let it suffocate him until it seemed like the moment he saw me only helped to remind him of that bind on his heart.

He waited until now to bring it up, instead of all that time he had, and still, after all this time, he still considered my leaving as something that was cruel. But it hadn't been, and I wondered if I could ever get that through to him, And if I couldn't, could he ever forgive me?

"I guessed nothing I said back then got through to you," I said with a heavy sigh, resting my chin in my palm as my elbow rest on the window. "If I had known you would hate me after that maybe-"

"You would have still left. I knew you didn't want to be there," Sora said, abrupt, just like his temper was, and as that rose, so did his voice. "Why else would you have found any excuse you could to start an argument, to distance yourself from me?"

I looked down at lap, and let my hands fall there, as I wondered what I could even say to Sora. The excuses, the reasons, rolled through my head, and idly, I played with the metal ring against my teeth. "I wanted to be with you." I still do. And I was left stung when Sora laughed.

"Not enough I guess. I mean, you just...told Mom and left me to deal with it all. You ran away, Roxas, and if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a coward."

A coward huh? I glanced over at Sora, saw that look he was giving me, and I gave one right back. What a hypocrite! Here he was calling me a coward when he didn't even have the guts to tell Riku we were dating. "If you're so high and mighty and brave," I hissed the word, my tone thick with a vehement sarcasm, "then why did you insist we keep our relationship I secret, huh? I was the one who told Axel. I was the one who told Mom. I was the one who was ready to admit how I felt about you."

I stared at the window and wondered how it felt, the peace of the outside mountains, that is, with our little storm beginning to disrupt it.

"I left," I continued as I turned back to Sora, "because I felt it was the best thing for us at the time. How could we have continued to do what we were doing? And yeah, I did tell Mom, but it wasn't like I just up and left right after and-"

"But you did!" Sora said, an uncharacteristic shout that reverberated off the windows, and if it had been any louder, would have ricocheted into an echo off the mountainside. "That's exactly what you did," he said, clearing his throat and retaining a bit of his composure, though I could still see that spark inside him, ready to go off like a clap of thunder. "I understand and all-"

"You obviously don't."

"But the point I'm trying to make is that the least you could have done was give me some warning. Was it so hard for you to have just..." he trailed off, defeated, and his head fell into his hands, and the last words were muffled through his fingers, "talked to me about it."

"I knew you wouldn't understand," I said, as honest and sure as I could, because underneath anything I could have said, that was probably the basis. Sora wouldn't, no, he couldn't understand because he was just so damn different. A stranger in a mirrored body. He smiled when I frowned, laughed when I cried. What do all the things I say even matter to him when he can't grasp onto how alone I always felt?

"You never gave me the chance," he said, and I could have sworn I felt the ghost of a brush of his fingertips, but when I flinched and looked over, he was just staring at me, hands in his lap.

I wanted his touch. I wanted my brother to be there for me like I hadn't given him the chance to do all those years ago. Sora was right. I hadn't given him enough credit. He was my brother after all, no matter how different he might have been.

"I'm sorry I'm bringing this up now, Roxas," he said, "but it's always bothered me. And if I'm not going to bring it up now, I never will. And back in high school, that day you told me you were leaving, I wasn't going to try and stop you. I knew I couldn't be selfish and try to make you stay. Don't you realize how hard it was to say good bye, just like that, and not even get to tell you-" he stopped, abruptly, and sighed, shook his head, and of course I had known it had been hard for him when I left, but for him to still be so upset over it after five years? "Never mind."

"What?" I encouraged, wanting to reach over, take his hand and hold it to my face, tell him how sorry I was that I left him alone like that.

"Nothing. I just-" his voice quivered as he turned his head away from me, maybe so that I wouldn't see that he was crying. Maybe so I wouldn't see that he was fuming. He didn't want me to know how he felt, and it was driving me crazy; left wondering if he forgave me, or if he hated me for what I had done.

"You're still mad at me?"

"Of course!" He shouted, another scoff, "Yeah I am. I don't get why you just ran away instead of trying to make it work. You just abandoned me after everything I gave up for you."

"I did try to make it work!" I said, voice rising, desperate to get my point across, and desperate for him to just forgive me. Amongst many, this was a pivotal point in our relationship. To find out if it was possible for him to forgive me or not, after everything I had done, after those five years of waiting to see each other again, to get this chance. This one last chance to fix everything, and figure out if there was a chance of maybe...rekindling things.

Maybe it was stupid to even think of that at a time like this...when my own brother sounded like he hated me. I betrayed his trust; made him think we were going to last and then threw it away like a broken toy.

"You abandoned everything we had worked so hard for. When everything was starting to be great, you know? Then you just left because of your own stupid fears that I thought we had worked through. You didn't try, you didn't even-"

"I got my ass kicked for you! Out of everything I didn't do, you seemed to forget that I didn't abandon you after that happened!"

And there was a frenzy in my mind-way too wild and feral that I had to leave. Behind me, I heard the car door slam shut but didn't realize it was me who did it. All I could think back to was the way I had stood cornered like some sort of sick, wounded animal. I still saw Seifer's eyes whenever I told someone about my secret, until I realized it was okay. I still heard Seifer's voice in a crowded room. There was something about that guy that had left me scarred, though unlike that hideous one on his face, mine was hidden from view. And that was one thing Sora didn't understand. It had been a mix of absolutely everything that had sent me to the train station. Not just fear, not just Demyx finding out, not just Seifer and his friend. It was all of it.

"I didn't want something like that to happen," Sora's voice followed me as I heard another slam of a car door, and the sound of his shoes against the gravel.

"It all just got to me, okay?" I admitted as I whirled around to look at him. "Listen, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry it ended like that. Maybe I should have given you more of a warning, maybe I should have asked you how you felt, maybe I should have just stayed."

There was another deafening silence as the wind kicked up the dirt below us and spiraled in the air. The hot, sticky humid air of summer that was suffocating. Thick with heat, thick with tension.

Atop the cliff side, it felt like it was just me and Sora, and it probably was. And there was nothing more I wanted right now...then to hold my brother in my arms. Stroke his hair, feel his breath against my skin, feel him, kiss him, get a chance to touch him again just like they used to. All I wanted was to be close again.

And to know Sora felt the same.

"What are you trying to say? That you hate me?" I asked, quiet as the tree-rustling breeze, and unable to stand the thought of definitive yes to that question. Was I too late? Had I screwed things up too much?

It was a long pause before I could finally hear Sora talk, and much to the relief of my pounding heart, he didn't.

"But you don't forgive me?"

He looked away, looked over to the vast scape of the city below us. Moving in regular time, cars and people going about their business. I felt like we were on top of the world though...where time slowed and everything stopped. And where I felt like I could be myself. There were no other eyes up here, no other ears. Just Sora. And why couldn't tell him just how I really felt? How I had always felt.

"H-how do you really fell Sora?" I asked, unable to contain the stammer in my voice. I had to admit that I was nervous. This could well be the defining moment, and I was almost certain I had waited too long. "I didn't want to bring it up...but I just always wondered how-"

"I wonder too," He said, and I felt a bit of the clench on my arm relieve itself, if only by a little. "I wondered...how it'd be after all these years. You know, how we'd feel."

"Well..." I started slowly, testing the words on my tongue, my hand scratching at my jaw. I just wanted to hide behind them right now. Speak behind closed palms so that I wouldn't have to be seen. "How do you feel?"

He shrugged his shoulders and a few seconds felt like a lifetime. "I don't know."

And I figured now was the right moment, if there was one, to lay it all out on the table for him. To just tell Sora the thoughts that had plagued my mind since he first stepped foot in my hotel room. Since before that even. It'd been five years too long.

"It's been five years, and I still look at you, and I feel exactly the same," I admitted, hands firmly at my sides so I couldn't hide, eyes firmly set on Sora so he couldn't either. I saw his eyes brows furrow, the way his eyes crinkled, and his lips part. But I couldn't gauge his reaction. "It's like I never even left." But I had, and wasted a good five years that I could have spent with you. If there was one good thing about leaving, it was that I had had the chance to explore, to live, to grow up, and to, most of all, know that when I saw Sora again, however I felt would be absolutely real. "Doesn't that have to mean something."

"Well...maybe you're too late, Roxas."

Maybe...everything I had done had been for nothing. Maybe the fuck ups of the past were too much. And I guessed I had given up Sora the day that I had decided to leave, and that was no one's fault but my own. So, I nodded my head, stuck my hands in my pocket, and look out towards the city, towards the long drop from rock to rock to that drop of the metallic sting of the sharp city streets. I didn't imagine myself jumping, but I knew if I did, there would be no one to catch me.

"That's it then," I said, finally, almost so quiet I feared the wind didn't pick up the sound, but Sora looked up, a sad look in his eyes. "I mean, this might be the last time we see each other for who knows how long, and I don't wanna you to leave with either of us having any regrets, alright? I guess, I'm glad I asked, because now I know there's no unanswered questions, right?

And in the opportunity I took to look down, and in those seconds I wasn't looking at Sora, but was wallowing in my own self-pity, Sora had reached the other side of the car over to me, and had his hands clasping my face, his eyes looking into mine briefly before I felt his lips crash down onto mine that in that moment, I had been so sure I'd never feel again.

The momentum, the harsh way of which he kissed me, had me stumbling backwards, tripping out of sheer surprise, and falling roughly into the dirt that drifted up into the air, amidst Sora, whose collar I had been clutching. My head fell back, falling against the side of the car as I kissed back, hotter than the humid air, and the way his fingers brushed my face, my ears, my neck, left sparks.

He sat in my lap, tugging my closer, teeth nipping at my bottom lip that left me sighing. What was he doing? I wondered as he let his tongue swirl with mine just like we had before that left a stir in my cock. How could he just do this to me? Make me forget in an instant. I asked myself when he pulled away, smiling and reaching past my head to pry open the driver's door of my car and gesturing for us to go inside. And even though I complied, I wonder if this meant what I thought it meant. Just as he had surprised me that day at the park, after he left me feeling so alone and unwanted, and had kissed me in a way that let me know that everything was going to be okay. Was this another one of those moments?

I sat in the passenger's seat, with Sora in my lap, my hands on his back, his hands in my hair. He took my breath away, and this all felt so familiar. So comforting. It felt like home, being young and in love, and it undoubtedly felt like Sora in all his perfectness.

I felt the ignite of heat between my legs faster than an ignited spark, and I grabbed the collar of his denim shirt, tugged and didn't waste in any time in tossing it over to the empty passenger seat beside me. Snug and hunched over, it was a bit of a tight squeeze in the car. And even with his knee awkwardly digging into my stomach and his back hitting the car horn, it was still worthwhile.

Feeling Sora again this way, closely, intimately, was the reoccurring fantasy that kept me up at night. My mind had played it out a million times over. How would it feel to see Sora again after such a long time and know that that smile still carried that love we had felt for each other all those years ago? How would it feel to have Sora push his body against mine, my back pressed against the interior of my car as he ravished me with his hands, worn with the palm lines of a life filled with things I hadn't even seen.

And now that I was in the here and now, living and feeling it, it felt better than I could have ever fucking imagined.

Things never worked out the way you imagined them, but I feel as if I might have lucked out, with the way the guy I still loved was here, and I was beginning to believe he loved me back, despite what he had said.

Please, don't let this moment go away, my subconscious whispered to Sora when he pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it beside the other one. And please, don't let me fuck this up again, I thought as I pressed those hot kisses to Sora's throat that I knew made his toes curl.

When the accidental honking became insistent, Sora and I moved to the back seat, where it was a bit roomier and there was at least space for a tangle of messy limbs and two bodies clashing in a way that was like synchronization.

The car smelled like sweat and sex and soon we were naked, baking in the hot sun under the hot interior of the car. The air was sticky, and so was our skin, and I let my tongue run across his cock, sweet as those cool treats I used to eat on hot days like this. Time was forgotten, as I sucked and pumped his cock, giving him what I hoped he had missed.

When he said my name, it was hard not to come against my stomach right then and there. I wanted it. Bad. And even though I tried to keep a cool exterior, tried to remind myself I wasn't the same young teenager, horny irrational for my brother's cock, needy for Sora was exactly what I was. Even after five years.

Those five years that I left behind. And even though there was a bit part of Sora that was still furious at me for what he felt like was an abandoning, I was just relieved he forgave me. He had forgave me, and things were going to go back to how they were all those years ago, right? Right, I thought as I saw the way his eyes fluttered, eyes rolling back into his head when I entered him. He went rigid, letting out a deep breath that made me curious if he had any sex in those five years?

I shuddered, my hips moving in a fast, erratic rhythm and let my palm caress his sun-freckled skin. He was perfect, I thought, as I leaned down to kiss him, and I ate up his moans with a hunger.

Fucking him was an exhale. An exhale of a long-kept breath. And his moans were the nostalgia of listening to a familiar song, lost to you for years. Five years to be exact.

I didn't know what was going to happen after this. After the rush of emotions were gone and we'd have to deal with that little thing called aftermath, but I knew, no matter it be good or bad, I'd be ready for it.

I had to remember I wasn't the same teenager I was back then. I had found happiness in peace, and found who I was: a young adult with a decent head on my shoulders and a lot of light to give. I wasn't sick, or wrong. As long as I wasn't hurting anybody, as long as I could be happy, as long as Sora was happy, then there was no reason to consistently beat myself up for what other people had a problem with.

I had never been sick.

I had known what I wanted, had found what made me happy, even if the self-doubt and confusion and self-inflicted remorse made me doubt what happiness really felt like.

Maybe everyone had just been mad that I had found something in life that truly made me happy.

That was something a lot of people never found.

And I had, I was, again after those five years that I had tried to convince myself that loving my brother had just been a phase. A void of loneliness that I replaced with his touch. And maybe that was what it was, considering I had never gone a day without missing what I had with him. But for this feeling to last all those years, even without him there, it had to be something real? Right?

I shivered, coming inside him, and feeling the exhale of his last breathy moan under my palm as I caressed his side. And there was nothing in this world that made me feel like Sora did, and I smiled, leaned down to kiss him, and wondered what this all meant for us.

.oOo.

Right now would be that moment in the movies where people relaxed under the moon, the sun, on grass or velvet and smoked. The wafting of tobacco smoke mingling with the air thick with sex.

We had already went back to the hotel room, and there was still that spark, that electricity between us. There wasn't that look of guilt in his eyes, and it made me feel more at ease about what we had just done. Even if we were silent, laying in a mess of tangled sheets and limbs, and hadn't yet really talked about what just happened, I had a feeling it meant something. Sora's motives had to have been pure, right?

But I had to know for sure when I had the chance, before the day was over and there would be an uncertainty left in the air.

"Do things feel different now that we..." I trailed off, knowing Sora would get the gist of what I meant. I turned to him, propped myself up on my elbow and watched the serene curve of a smile he had. I wondered if he was still buzzing after what happened; I sure was.

"I was worried they might, but," he took a minute, pursing his lips, before shaking his head and smiling, "it feels nice." And I let out the long breath I hadn't known I'd been holding.

It was as if I hadn't even left. It was like it was the few days before I decided to tell him I was leaving, before we had any fights. When everything felt right and perfect, and it was how it was supposed to be, the way I had always imagined it to feel when I pictured myself together with Sora.

"No regrets?" I asked, and Sora didn't waste any time, he shook his head, whimsy in his smile like he was certain, as certain as I was, that what we did just now was because we both longed for what we had missed for those five years: each other.

"So you really think you've changed?" He asked, after a moment, as he turned towards me, chin in his palm as he mirrored my position. It was hard to say. It was only our first time seeing each other, and although our chemistry still seemed the same, I knew there was an unsaid difference in the both of us. One that I could just tell would work. "But, you didn't think it'd work before, what makes this time different?"

"Well...for one thing, we don't live with our parents anymore." And that was a big part of why I felt our relationship could work this time. We were in different places in our life than we had been five years prior. Independent, adults even, who didn't need Mom and Dad to sustain ourselves, and didn't need their decisions to rule our lives. We were able to do that on our own. "We're adults now; independent, in charge of what we do and don't do in our own lives. I think that has to count for something." He nodded and leaned forward, letting his thumb brush against my cheek, the corner of my lips. "And I've changed," I continued, "I've grown up. Grown out of being so jealous, being so angry all the time."

"I've changed too."

"You were always perfect the way you were," I said, watched the way he smiled fondly. "Although, it does seem like you've gotten meaner," I added with a chuckle. There was definitely a new found bitterness in Sora that I noticed.

He laughed, letting his hand fall from my face as he said, "Nah, just learned to stand up for myself."

"Good, then you can tell me off when I get in my moods." Although I'd definitely changed, I still had my moments of self-doubt, of self-pity that must have been so ingrained in my personality that I couldn't completely shake it. Though I did know how to handle it better now. I knew how to calm myself down most of the time before I even got started.

"Don't worry, I definitely will," he said before turning to lay on his back, his hands behind his head. "Are we gonna tell Mom and Dad?" He asked suddenly, and although my stomach sank at the thought, I knew we would have to. As adults, it was only the responsible thing to do.

"I guess someday we'll have to," I said with a slight frown, "But we'll deal with that when it comes. Its scary to think of, but it comes with being an adult, you know?" I said, knowing that telling Mom would break her heart, telling Dad would turn him against us, most likely. But that was the price I was willing to pay if it meant I got to be happy.

We stayed like that for a little while longer, laying together, enjoying the comfortable silence. It was funny how Sora hadn't even had to admit, didn't even have to convince me that he was ready to be together again. I felt it all when he kissed me. Even if the seconds before had been so disheartening, so rocky, I knew that he had been sure of his decision. I knew he wouldn't have kissed me if he hadn't been. But for a second there, I had been scared, terrified even, that I had been too late.

"You know," I said, and his eyes opened and flickered over to me, "for a second back there at the car, I thought I had lost you for good. I thought I was too late," I admitted. "What made you change your mind?"

"Well..." he said as he turned over so that his arm was draped across my stomach, and his head was resting on my shoulder, his breath against my ear. "I think I always knew. I was just being stubborn, I guess. I wanted to get all that off my chest before I was really willing to let you know I was ready. I am ready," he said as he leaned up to kiss my cheek. "I've missed you, and I've waited five whole years just to see you again and make sure my feelings were still real. And they are. I love you, Roxas. I don't want to let anything get in the way again."

"I love you too," I said, tilting my face towards his to press a soft kiss to his mouth. "Things will be different. I'll make sure I don't let anything, especially not me, get in the way again."

"What about the distance?" He asked, and I could hear a bit of worry in his voice. That had been a question on my mind too, but I wasn't going to dwell on it. If that was another obstacle we had to cross, then I was more than willing. My feelings for Sora were too strong to let silly obstacles get in the away again.

"You can just move in with me and Reno. There, problem solved," I said in jest, a broad smile on my face to relax him, let him know that I wasn't worried and he shouldn't be either.

"As long as he doesn't try to get us to make out with him, then sure. Been there, done that."

"Well, I can't guarantee you he won't ask, but we'll get through it. We have before."

He nodded, murmured an affirmation, and I could tell in his tone that he trusted me. He knew things would be okay, and so did I. Even if we got weird looks in the street, even if our friends and family chose to abandon us, there was nothing I wouldn't give for Sora, I realized. And maybe I had always known.

"Soooo..." Sora began as he let his fingers trail across my stomach, "now that we have all that settled out, there is one last thing I want to do."

"And what's that?" I asked, my eyes following him as he sat up, a suggestive smile on his face, and he wasn't being suggestive anymore, but downright brave when he pulled on the button of my jeans.

"I've never had sex in a shower hotel before."

Now that I thought about it, neither have I. "Last one there has to tell Dad."

And with that, the two of us jumped from the bed in haste, shedding ourselves of our shirts and pants in the process. And I knew this was what I wanted, what I had always wanted, what I had longed for when I was without Sora. Being without him had been hard, but I knew it was all worth it.

I believed in fate. Always had. Everything in our life happens for a reason, and I felt like everything we had been through had prepared us for the moment, this moment right here, where we could look at each other in the eye, and know that we were ready. This time was right. And everything, even the Seifer incident, even the Demyx incident, even me leaving, had all gotten us ready for this. All the pieces were lined up again, Sora's and mine, and it was time to live and love like we had always wanted to, despite anything that tried to pry us apart. We were more than brothers, we were more than lovers, we were two people who would always be in each other's lives no matter what. Just like in the story Grammy used to tell us. And we didn't need the Paopu to know that we'd always be together, even when we weren't.

And later when we made love, laughing and giggling in the shower because we had that euphoria and happiness that only we could give each other, I was anxious to see how the rest of our lives together would pan out. I was looking forward to seeing that smile on his face every day that I could, and hold his hand in mine, and know that I wasn't wrong, I wasn't sick. I was just me.

And I was just grateful there was someone out there, someone as great as Sora, that was okay with that.