He didn't hold any grudges over his father for making them live in this way. Everyone knew he didn't have a choice, and if he had, he wouldn't choose a road full of Demons for his life, he didn't wish that to anyone, not even to his worst enemy. He understood his father, just a little bit. Of course there were times he couldn't take it anymore, sometimes he yelled at his father, saying useless words that only hurt more than did any good.
He remembers telling him once, that this had nothing to do with him and his brother, that this was his revenge and obsession and he had nothing to do with it. And he shouldn't be wasting time hunting this Demon, because in the end, they were chasing their own death.
The voice of his dad made his own look smaller. And he heard his father saying, that this Demon had killed their mother, if they didn't kill the damn thing, more people would die. And if there was even a very small possibility to kill it, they were going to use it. So from him to grow up and be a man, because now wasn't the time for dreaming of a perfect and bright life. There's always darkness in any corner, and if he chooses to ignore it, for him to go ahead, because he was a coward and that would get him killed one day.
He did understand, it couldn't be easy to lose the one you love. The problem was he did never knew their mother. He wanted to cry and say that he wanted her back, that he loved her above all else, that he wanted to see her again. The problem was he didn't. He didn't know her, and he was sure if he saw her again, for him, she was only going to be a picture of the mother he never had. There was a time that he said he missed her, but that was because she was possibly the only road that could have lead them into a more normal life. It didn't make any sense but he wanted back the normal life that he never had.
His dad never talked about their mother, everything he knew was from Dean stories. His brother loved her so much that sometimes he was jealous for not being able to. But thanks to Dean he started to be able to know their mother better. He saw how Dean was hurt because of her death, and he knew how affected his dad was, and sometimes he was sad, and angry.
How could his mother be so stupid? How couldn't she see how deeply missed she would be? How important she was. Why did she save him? He knew that sometimes he blamed his father for this life, but then he realized that this was his own fault. He knew it, he didn't have any right to be angry. Because if he was death instead of his mother, they all would have been much happier, he was ten years old when he realized this fact, and if he ever thought lying could hurt people, at that moment he understood that the true could hurt much more. And that was the first time he really cried over his mother death, not because he miss her, not because he wanted to see her, but because he wanted to change places with her, to make the ones he really loved to be happy again. That night he prayed, he prayed that Dean never had to talk about their mother with anguish in his voice again, he prayed that his dad never had to pull a trigger again, and most of all he prayed that he could simply disappear to make things alright again.
Of curse, neither the heavens were on his side. He had to survive with his own faults. But Before anything, he promised that he would never pray again as long as he lived.
He tried to be the perfect child, he stopped arguing with his father even when he thought he was wrong. He was never has good has Dean, but he tried. His father was angry sometimes when he missed a shot, or was careless because he thought the monster was already dead when it wasn't, and that sucked, because he had to hear his father giving him a lecture when he was on a bed with a broken arm. But he didn't move, he just laid there quietly, didn't say nothing, he has only heard what his dad had to say, because at that moment, at that moment he was a good son.
He hated his boring routines, he hated the motels, he hated monsters, ghosts, and god forgives him but he hated their food. The only thing that made him smile was his brother. Dean could really be a pain in the ass sometimes, but he was the reason he keeps on going. He knew that his brother would do almost anything for him, but then again he would do the same. He couldn't even count how many times Dean had saved him, and how easily he pulled him from his darkest thoughts without even realizing it. He didn't want to put the possibility that maybe Dean only cared about him because their father told Dean to watch over him. He put that thought deep inside his head and he told himself he was going to trust Dean. It Didn't matter that maybe he didn't care at all, because he gave him his trust.
And when he finally turned fourteen years old, all hell broke loose. He started to feel things that he normally didn't, and he did the only thing that he could think about... He panicked!