Why am I here?
That is exactly the two-hundred and forty-third time I have asked myself this.
It all started with Vaan bursting into my room (I believe becoming a pirate has increased his lock picking skills, and that my guard staff has become lazy) and going into a tirade about…well something useless I'm sure. I admit, I wasn't listening, though I acted like I was, sitting still, looking him in the eyes and nodding every few seconds. However my mind was elsewhere – Hoping the immature kleptomaniac couldn't see that under a highly important treaty from Rozarria lay a fluffy, flowery book that Penelo had recently recommended to me; The Passions of Survival.
I knew if the blonde (I include the stereotype with that) boy before me saw the Harlequin Romance he would never let me live it down. "Ooh, the Queen of Dalmasca likes her smut!" Of course I could easily comeback with something along the lines of letting him rot in the dungeons or making it physically impossible for him to procreate, but he would just keep bringing it up out of his own stupidity. Possibly bringing it up in front of Balthier; of all the challenges and threats that being the Queen of Dalmasca brings nothing is more fearful to me then having Balthier know that Ashelia B'nargin Dalmasca enjoys erotic literature on occasion. The little smirk that would form on his face sends chills down my spine just thinking about it, because the remark that would follow would be like Vaan's teasing.
Magnified by a billion that is.
Nevertheless I probably should pay attention as his random ramblings could provide with some…interesting protection from his next attempts at teasing. (Read: blackmail.)
"…I mean seriously! It's just one-sided puppy love, right? Just a crush, right? Wait, no! It's not- it can't- no. It-It's water bear love!"
Dear gods, was I nodding along to this? Ninety percent of the time Vaan was hard to understand, and this just brought him up to ninety-eight. Congratulations Vaan, you've proven yourself a bigger fool than before, and after tripping into every rather obvious snake burrow on the Ozmone Plains, that was astonishing.
"What is a water bear?" I ventured cautiously. Vaan started to pace about even faster than before, his speech matching his pace.
"It's like, this bug-thing that lives in moss and it's so tiny you have to use like fifty magnifying glasses to see it, but when you do see it you think it's really cute!" Vaan saying the word 'cute' found a little humor in me. I suppressed a giggle and furrowed my brow instead.
"So Penelo and Larsa can only have a water bear love! I mean, Larsa hasn't even hit puberty yet so he can't have anything more than a crush, and Penelo can only go, 'aww he's cute' like a water bear! Because you can't truly love a water bear, Ashe, you just can't! You can't pick it up or you might squish it, you can't play with it 'cause you might squish it, and you can't feed it 'cause it eats the moss it lives in! You just can't have a relationship with a water bear! Right Ashe!?" Vaan suddenly stopped his mad pacing and arm flailing to look at me directly, actually expecting an answer to that presumably rhetorical question.
In response I blinked and tried to take it all in. It was like a mathematical equation; Penelo plus Larsa plus Vaan's rabid imagination equals Water bear love. Water bear love minus Vaan's rabid imagination equals Vaan Is Jealous. My tutor would have been proud of my mathematical skills.
Vaan was actually jealous of a prepubescent boy equipped with an effeminate haircut, name and clothing style? That warped brain of his thought that a pair of doe eyes and control over an entire kingdom could make the pigtailed independent that I had spent the entire adventure drilling with feministic thoughts, sway over to love?
I could contain it no longer.
I laughed.
I snorted.
I almost fell out of my chair.
Tears streaming down my face I looked back up at Vaan still chuckling, "You're jealous of Larsa?" Instantly Vaan became defensive, which made his feelings evermore obvious.
"What!? No! I just don't want the kid getting hurt! He's got a genuine crush and Penelo has no idea! She could lead him on!" As mean as it sounds, I decided to toy with him.
"Well what if she does know?"
"What?" The newly turned sky pirate's face contorted into confusion.
"What if Penelo does know his feelings? What if," I took a dramatic pause for effect, "She likes him back?"
I couldn't believe it. I had actually stunned Vaan into silence. For a straight three minutes there was perfect silence between us, not a sound except for the quiet white noise of birds by my office window.
"No way!" He suddenly jolted out of his mute stage in an explosion of sheer volume and more arm flailing, causing me to lean back slightly in alarm. "Penelo can't! She can't."
Vaan lowered his head, followed by his arms. "She can't." He whispered softly. I tilted my head in my own state of confusion.
"Sh-She can't just fall for Larsa, and become Empress. I- She-" Vaan's head shook ever so faintly. "Penelo can't leave me."
The way he said her name clutched at my heart. Rasler used to say my name the exact same way. I pitied Vaan, felt for him.
So without much ado I grabbed up a piece of blank parchment from my desk and a pen. I wrote;
"Dear Penelo,
Vaan thinks you have a crush on Larsa and you're going to leave him. Please set him straight.
-Ashe"
I folded up the paper into a neat little square and held it out to Vaan.
"Give this to Penelo, and all will be sorted." I instructed. He took the paper and stared into it as if it held his very destiny. When he looked back up at me (after a good four minutes of staring) pure gratitude shone in his eyes.
"Thanks Ashe." I allowed myself a smile and stood up.
"It's alright, Queens are meant to solve problems." I walked him out the door, and was just about to turn back to my book when he poked his head in the doorway;
"And by the way, nice porno book, Ashe." The irksome sky pirate (version two) ginned widely and gallivanted off, leaving me with clenched fists and a set jaw.
"I am so raising the bounty on his head."
Hah, that was fun. XD
It all started with me hearing that song 'puppy love' and thinking "What's less than a puppy on the love scale?" And I came up with a water bear. And a water bear is seriously an animal, I kid you not. And it is indeed very cute. It's all pudgy and chibi-like and stuff. C. U. T. E.
So, I got water bear love. Go figure. And I've always thought Larsa had a kiddie-crush on Penelo anyway. You know, like when a kid develops a crush on a teacher? Like that, except without the whole teacher liking you back and then being charged with rape and getting jail time thing. XD
And I wrote in Ashe's point of view. Did I get it right? I hope so! X(
Nevertheless I think it's pretty funny. And yes, I picked fun at the whole, "What gender is Larsa thing?" When I played I wondered myself. XD And who doesn't like smutty Harlequin Romances!? But they all end the same. Seriously.
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy, Water bears or anything else that remotely belongs to someone else. Like the pen. I don't own that pen. You own the pen? Then go ahead and take it, and don't sue. KTHXBAI