Numb
Sammy's POV
I couldn't take it anymore. I don't know if it was because of the arguing or the pressure but I think I'm giving up.
My mom and Grams were arguing, once again, about my future. But this time, Casey was here and I felt bad because he had to listen to this.
"Mother!" Lana, my mom, screamed from the kitchen. "I know what's best for my child! When she is old enough she will start acting along with me!"
"Lana, you are never there for her. What makes you think that Sammy will want to go with you to Hollywood? She has a life here, Lana! She has friends, family, a boyfriend for crying out loud. You can't take that from her!" Grams yelled right back.
I cringed next to Casey in the closet. We had come into Grams' closet to drown out the yelling but we could still here it as if it was being whispered in my ear.
Casey stroked my hair and I hugged him tighter. When did my life go wrong? Grams' and my mom never argued like this. My mom had come here on vacation and had started discussing her plans for my future. But then all of a sudden they had started yelling and I dove for the closet. Casey came along too, he had been here from the start.
Other times I had called him. The fighting had started a few weeks ago. At first, it was bearable but then Grams' had started kicking my mom out and she would leave but only to return the next day. Apparently, at the time, her character was in a coma.
But why are they fighting? My mom knows that I will never act along side with her. And Grams' knows that I will never leave with Lana. This was my home.
"Listen!" Lana screeched. "I will take my daughter! When the time is right. If you want to be difficult about it, I will report you to the police. Having a child live here isn't allowed in this building, remember Mother?"
That was when I started crying. Casey hugged me tighter to him and I sobbed into his sweater.
Why won't they stop? Why can't I decide where I want to live? Why is my mom making things so difficult?
Then suddenly, Casey started singing,
"I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Too much pressure.. How do they expect me to live like this? A mother is good but when she's not there for like three years, how can she just expect me to go right back to her with open arms and a huge smile? What do they expect from me? I'm tired of their fighting. I want it to end.
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
How come everything I do is wrong? If I tell them to stop fighting then Grams' will think that I don't want her to fight for me. I want her to but we can't get the police involved. Grams' will have to find a house to live in while taking care of me and what happens next? Why can't everything just go my way?
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Mom, why don't you get it? I don't want to be like you! Let me be me. I don'r want to be a barbie actress. I want to be a soccer player. I don't want to act. I want to write. I don't want to go to Hollywood. I want to go to college. I can't feel myself anymore. I can't feel anything. I'm numb without feeling.
Can't you see that you're smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
I can't take it anymore. What do I have to do to get you to notice me? Can't you see that you're smothering me? You want me to be you, but what about what I want? Don't you care? Shouldn't I get a say in the matter? You can't stand the fact that I'm growing up without you. Your plans for my future are being ripped apart while you watch. You want control. But you can't control me anymore. I'm a person mom.
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take
Why don't you realize? Why won't you wake up from your fantasy dream? I can't wake you up. You won't listen to me. You don't care enough to ask my opinion. I'm wasting time. Soon, you'll take me and there is nothing that I can do about it.
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Let me be me. Is that too much to ask? Is that so difficult for you that you won't give me a chance to let me shine on my own? Can't I have one year of relief? Why won't you leave me alone? I don't want to be you. Give me a chance to live my life before it ends. You only live once.
And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
You can't live your life without making at least one mistake. You must have been in my shoes at one point in your life. Did Grams' ever force you to go somewhere and force you to do something that you don't want to do? Was Grams ever dissapointed in you? Are you disappointed in me so much that you're trying to change me?
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
I can't go out without looking over my shoulder the whole time worrying if your going to kidnap me to Hollywood. Don't you see? Your making me trustless. I can't trust you. You lie and leave and then come back. How can I trust you? I'm always aware and that tires me out. I can't do this anymore. I want to be me and if you don't like it then leave me alone.
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be"
I'm sorry that I will never be you. I'm sorry that I'm not good enough. But please stop trying to make me be somthing that I'm not. Stop ruining my life! Stop being here! Stop yelling at Grams'! Please.. just stop. I'm tired of this. You don't see what your doing to me. I can't take it anymore. Your hurting me.
"It's okay, Sammy." Casey says, kissing my temple after singing that song. I let out a small smile and realize that I've stopped crying.
"Casey, don't leave me." I whisper feeling extremely tired.
"I won't Sammy. I promise." He says sincerely and I hug him tightly until I feel the welcoming darkness and the peace of sleep taking over me.
A/N: I don't own the song.. Which is Numb by Linkin Park. The song is amazing. I suggest you go listen to it now.
And I won't be updating for awhile. I need some time off, there's alot of stuff going on with Eric and my family (especially my family) and I don't think I have the heart to write a love story cause I'll end up ruining it and I don't want to ruin it for you guys. I only wrote this story cause I wanted to vent my feelings without being so obvious. Well, I tried not to be so obvious.
One more thing, I wrote a prologue 2 weeks ago for a new story that I thought of at the library but I didn't have enough time to publish the story so I save it and now its there. And I just remembered it. So I'll try to go to the library tomorrow and I'll publish it.
Review.
I'll be gone but I'll still be reading your stories and reviewing. My uncle brought me a Nok charger and a cover on Saturday so I've had my Nook back since then. So please update/publish soon guys.