Marius was changed. The barricade made him a husk of his former self. After the physical wounds healed and he was left empty. No longer confined to his bed he would wake up and limp over to the armchair by the window. He wasn't looking at anything in particular, just out. He sat there until the sun went down and he returned to bed.
His nights were horrible. He would sometimes wake up screaming or would whimper in his sleep. Cosette would hear him from down the hall and go to his room to comfort him the best she could. She knew how he felt to some extent. She had been afraid; she had known the terror of the unknown. But she would never know this kind of pain. All of his friends were dead.
He rarely left the room, and in his room, he just sat. Cosette would every day come in with his breakfast, which he would only pick at. He generally only ate a small piece of toasted bread and some weak tea. He kept both hands firmly gripped on the chair as if he was going to float upwards and never looked Cosette in the eye. He was ashamed. How could he look his beloved in the eye? She did not deserve a man, confined in his terror, guilt, and shame. How could she love a coward? Cosette deserved a man who wouldn't pass out and let his friends take the fall.
He had been shot twice, which everyone considered lucky, but it was enough for him to pass out in the street and leave his friends to their doom. His grandfather and doctor said that he had no control over when he was hit and he should be lucky he was alive at all. If living without one's closest friends was a life, Marius did not want to live it.
Cosette never the less stayed by his side. She would kneel beside him rubbing his hand and whispering to him. He made no response, he wished he could but why should he get to live his life when his friends all were dead.
The doctor came by at the beginning and told Cosette he had something soldiers came back with. The doctor didn't completely understand but Marius was not unusual. He told Cosette Marius might be in this state for some time. He had given her some kind of drug in which he was to breathe in. It was supposed to clear his mind and make him forget the memories. But Marius had enough knowledge to know addiction was a terrible thing. The medicine did clear his mind but he also felt sick to his stomach. The sweet bliss of forgetting came at the cost of throwing up and feeling sick. He also felt it would be selfish to forget the friends who had died.
They had taken him in when his grandfather through him out of the house for his beliefs. They had given him a home and companionship. To forget those kind acts as well would be to be ungrateful for his friends. Marius had taken the bottle of medicine and had dumped it out the window resolving he would rather live with the horrors than simply forget the men who made him who he was.
As months drew on Marius grew thinner and paler. His cheeks sunk in and his lovely brown curly hair was a limp ashy color. The few times he did leave the house people would ask if he felt all right. Of course, physically he was fine but inside was quite a different story.
The streets were loud and such chaos often agitated him and he would then lay in bed for a few days to recover. The windows were always shut tight even when the room was hot and Marius was sweating he never allowed anyone to open the windows. That was the only thing he made of point of saying.
Cosette came in one day as usual and saw Marius in his chair. She thought it would just be a usual day. Normal was no longer a concept; there were usual days and bad days. Then she saw the tears. He rarely cried, he usually kept it all in. Slowly running down his face, big teardrops fell. Marius was too lost in thoughts to wipe the tears away the tears. Cosette drew out her handkerchief and began to dab. Marius pulled away. He knew it was wrong, he knew she was only trying to help. But inside he knew this was his burden and he shouldn't make Cosette do even more work for him. Marius wanted to be close to her, he really did.
"Marius love, I am here," she said, her voice shaking. She always tried to keep it together but it hurt to see him as she was as child. No one should be locked inside with fears that no one could imagine.
"I see them," he croaked out, "there, just on the Avenue. I see Grantaire drinking and Enjoras is leading them. I see…" he then stopped. He was pointing at nothing. He knew at that moment it was another moment where he thought he had seen his friends. He must sound crazy he thought. He was also surprised at how much he had just said. Most conversations if any were short and one worded.
Cosette was lost. What could she say that didn't sound fake? It's going to be all right can only help so much. She knew that just simply reassuring would do nothing. She thought back to when her father had calmed her down or helped her through times when she couldn't say anything. After living with the Thénardiers she herself would have time where she was trapped in her thoughts and felt helpless to say anything, like the mere weight of the words, was too much. She remembered a trick her father used.
"Once upon a time, there was a man named Marius Pontmercy. He was tall, strong and knew what he wanted in himself and the world. He wanted justice, hope, and most importantly love," she said.
As a child, Cosette was told a similar story by her father. He would help reaffirm who she was when she was lost in fear and memories. She didn't know if it would help him but it was something new to try.
"He lives in France and is engaged to me, Cosette," she continued, "he fought for what he believed. Justice and equality." She neglected to mention he was the only survivor that would only worsen his guilt.
Marius thought back, this story did seem to help. But he was still so lost. How pathetic he looked. He knew Cosette was trying, he reached out a hand blindly and Cosette grasped it. Instead of holding his hand limp as usual he gripped her hand.
"I don't know," he said blankly.
"I know, I know," she said.
"I don't know why I was the one to live," he continued.
"I don't know either but I do know something," she said.
"What? Cosette, please tell me," he said desperately still not looking at her.
"You have people who love you. People who would never be the same without you. Please remember I love you and I am here with you," she said.
"My friends, they shouldn't have died," he continued.
"No, they shouldn't have," she said quietly.
Marius stayed in his chair for the rest of the day. He didn't even go to bed. He just sat in his chair.
That night when he was sleeping he had the most curious of dreams. He was taken back to a time for the barricade.
"Loverboy is back!" someone called.
"I am afraid the wine is all out," Grantaire slurred.
"Mates?" Marius asked.
"Do we look like the ruddy queen?" Combeferre said.
"Mates!" Marius exclaimed. He went around to try and hug them but is hands passed through them.
"I am afraid this is only a dream. A mid summers night dream if you prefer," Enjolras said.
"But then why?" Marius said. He suddenly felt alone then. What a cruel joke to see his friends but it to be fake.
"We've seen you suffering and wish to impart some thoughts that might help you," Bahorel saddled up.
"What could you possibly say to help me? You're all dead. This is just another nightmare!" Marius was frustrated and turned away. He had dreams that started out like this but would devolve into gory and gruesome dreams that shook him for days.
"Listen," Enjolras shouted which made Marius turn around, "You cannot keep think you caused this."
"I never said I thought you died because of me."
"Perhaps not consciously but somewhere inside you blame yourself."
"Why shouldn't I blame myself. My best friends in the world are dead! I was passed out in the gutter and you all were slaughtered!" Marius began crying. He had not cried so hard this entire time and now coming to the realization of his situation sent him over the edge.
"But we didn't die because you were unconscious. We all would have been killed even if you were still fighting. You would be dead too."
"I wish I was!"
"No, you don't. Unlike the rest of us, you have a girl. You have what none of us could ever dream of," Feuilly said. he had always been somewhat of a romantic.
"What do I have that is possibly better than you guys?"
"You have a truly loving relationship. You have a girl who will stand by your side. None of us have been so lucky."
"Doesn't matter. She has to live with a man who will never get over something so simple."
"Simple? You think this is meant to be simple? Grieving takes time. You might not ever be yourself again but you can move past this. Not forget us but accept that what happened and know you couldn't have done anything differently." Grantaire looked Marius in the eye. Marius had never seen his friend so serious.
"You need to live life. Take time to grieve but please continue to journey on. "
"We do not blame you for your deaths," they all chimed in.
Marius knew this was all a dream but somehow knowing that this was never his fault made him feel lighter. But to receive such reprieve and being allowed to live in a world without them felt good. Just as he came to this knowledge he realized he was waking up.
No no! I can't leave now!But he was soon enough awake. The sunlight was just peeking out. Marius looked down and realized he had been fallen asleep in his chair.
He sat there for a moment longer contemplating what he had dreamed. Surely salvation would not come this easily. It was surely a figment of his imagination, his friends were probably still angry for his actions. But some part of him knew his friends were good people and would never wish him any ill. He decided he had to learn to accept what his dreams said, real or not. He couldn't live life miserable.
One step at a time. That is what Cosette said. He might not be happy today, to more or in a year. But he could try. All he could do is try. Make no mistake he was still melancholy and would like nothing more to stay in his chair but he knew that was not healthy. Besides Cosette would need him in their married life. One step at a time. He could do nothing for his friends but he could do something for Cosette.
He got up and decided to put on real clothes for the first time in weeks. He was just finishing dressing when his door opened to reveal Cosette. She nearly dropped the tray of food when she saw that he was actually dressed.
"Cosette. I have had a peculiar dream," he started.
"Oh dear. Was it horrible?" She put the tray down and went over to him.
"No. It was quite enlightening." He told her his dream and she seemed confused but pleased that Marius seemed to be happier.
"I may not be the same but please give me time," he begged her.
"We have a lifetime. Please don't ever think I was going to leave you," she said kissing him on the cheek, "You're family and we will manage one day at a time."
"Cosette if you wouldn't mind, I would like to visit the old café again today."
"Of course!"
"I think I need to see the place again with clearer thoughts. The last time I was not ready to face the reality but this time I need to see it again for closure."
Marius and Cosette embraced each other and Marius for the first time in a while felt he was experiencing life again. It may not feel entirely good but experiencing life again was necessary to keep moving forward. He didn't know how long it would take to or if he ever would move past that terrible June day.