Heliocentric
by Lethe Seraph
One: Threads
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For Cody Saoyrn. I figured you might like it. ^_^;;
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Warning: Honda, thinking. Pointless rambling. Run while you can. The ending irritates me.
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Now, I know I'm not the most eloquent of speakers, so I hope you can forgive me if I get distracted every now and then.
Where should I start?
With the basics, I guess.
Hi. My name is Honda Hiroto.
Most people think of me as a goof, a bumbling idiot with hair that scares the living daylights out of them. I'm just one of Yugi's friends, with no story behind me – unlike most of the others, I don't have a tragic past or desperate dream. It doesn't matter whether I go or stay; it makes no difference, because I hardly affect their lives. And it could be true. I wouldn't know.
I'm not very good at understanding other people's thoughts, much less what they're thinking about me. So I can't really tell you much.
What am I here to say, anyway? That's what you're wondering. And I can't answer that. I'm not quite sure.
So I'll just sit here, and talk, and maybe you can find the threads of a story in my speech. Maybe, when I finish, you will understand a bit better who I am. Who they think I am. And maybe, in the end, you can tell me what you've found.
["am I needed?"]
Honda Hiroto. Yeah, Honda like the car company. I don't mind that too much. It's kind of cool, not to mention I like cars – and motorcycles – a lot. But it's the only name people call me by. I can't even remember if there was a time someone besides my parents said my first name. Maybe they don't know it. Or maybe I'm just not close enough to anyone else to hear it.
Not even Jou.
Yeah, I know, Jonouchi is his last name, so why should I be complaining? But I do call him by his first name. Maybe not out loud, or where he can hear me, but I do. It sounds kind of nice, but not like him. Katsuya. The name seems soft to me. When I hear it, I get images of fluffy orangey cats in my head for some reason. I guess it fits. Like his last name, Jonouchi, gives off a sort of tough ring, and the Katsuya is there to tone it down. He may act all macho, but he really has a good heart.
…Man, that was deep.
I've known Jonouchi for quite a while. I can't remember exactly how long, but it feels like it's been forever. I've always been looking out for him. Isn't that what a good friend should do? I think it is, so it's how I am. Even if sometimes he hurts me for trying, I'm there. Not that he really needs me, I know. He's tough enough to get by on his own, and like I said, it may not matter whether I go or stay. He'll live.
I've been though some weird things because of him, though. When he got it into his head to 'make a man out of Yugi', for example. Yugi befriended us, and that's how we ended up in the Shadow Realm about three inches tall – not much of a change for Yugi, sure – and then running straight through an impenetrable black bubble around him and Pegasus, the nut who stole his grandfather's soul! Not to mention what happened between him and Isis, or Malik. Malik. That dude was insane.
Okay, I might not have an interesting past, but my life right now is plenty exciting.
Or at least, it should be.
I don't know. Sometimes I just get tired of it all. It's like I know exactly what is going to happen and I want out.
Everything is the same. It's an evil psychopath who wants to get Yugi's Millennium Puzzle and kidnaps someone to do it. First it was Pegasus with Yugi's grandfather, then the other Bakura stealing all of our souls – did I mention this already? – and then Malik with Jou and Anzu. There'll be others, and I'll be here cheering for Yugi from the sidelines.
Sometimes I wonder.
Why can't I just be happy with what I have? I have great friends, and adventures that others probably wish to have. They don't know what it feels like, though. The anxiety and pain, the knowledge that all you really are is some pawn in a crazy plan, an expendable piece. All you are is a plot device, someone that the bad guy will use to make the good guy do their bidding. I'm not a love interest of the 'main character'. I stand around and crack stupid jokes when Jonouchi is full of hot air.
Sometimes? Most of what I do is blank staring into space, waiting to be called again.
I wonder whether maybe I just exist because of Yugi. Yugi, the bright boy – he can't be as old as us! – who just attracts people to him. Yugi is the most honest person you'll ever meet; he's so friendly and open you just can't help but like him unless you're out to get him.
Yugi is the sun, and the rest of us are caught in his pull.
Heliocentric.
As much as I might consider breaking free, I never could. I care too much about him, about Jonouchi and Shizuka and Anzu and Otogi and even Bakura, wherever he is now. I have to stay, for their sakes.
And then I think: they don't need me. They never have. I could leave, never come back, they wouldn't care. I'm just a pawn in this game.
Maybe it's the hormones.
Where was I? I was talking about Jonouchi, wasn't I?
…Yeah, Jou.
Underneath all the bluster, he really is a good person. He has a purpose, a goal, in life, and the determination to keep going. He's so outgoing, so devoted to his sister and to his friends – am I his friend? do I matter? – it's like he was reflecting that golden light Yugi gave off until he figured out how to make it for himself. It all revolves around Yugi, doesn't it? Before we met him, Jou wasn't nearly as nice a person… more of a bully, really, although he had honor. Katsuya is willing to do anything for the people he cares about. That's one of the things I like about him.
Actually, so are most of the people I know. Yeah, even Kaiba.
Am I?
Would I sacrifice myself for these people?
Definitely, my thoughts answer. Nothing else I could do. But are they right? How can I know until I'm put to the test? Do I really want to be tested?
No.
I can imagine my resolve wavering one day, Yugi crying out for help, corpses littering scarlet tiles and crimson rivulets running thickly from gaping wounds and staring eyeballs that once were full of life and energy and he cries to me but I just can't do it, I can't help him without losing my life and I don't want to die, I don't want to die –
I wake up.
I always wake up.
But what happens when I don't? When it's not just a dream?
I'll make that sacrifice.
I don't want to die.
There's always another way out, isn't there? There's always a way where, when the life has been given, a magical wand can be waved and they'll come back. No harm done, the day is saved.
I'm just afraid.
I don't want my friends to die.
Yugi comes a bit closer every time he duels – the stakes become greater and greater, and one day he won't win.
What happens when the sun goes out?
When the sun goes out, everything dies.
Jonouchi, Anzu, Otogi, Bakura.
Malik and Pegasus.
Millions upon millions – billions of people – can all these lives really depend on one small boy? What did he ever do to deserve this weight?
What right do I have to complain about anything, when he does so much?
Sometimes I wonder.
I always wake up.
We exist for Yugi's sake, heliocentric; we'll be there when he needs us and until then we're following him to the ends of the earth whether he likes it or not.
How can he always smile?
What if I've never woken up?
All of these thoughts run through my head, every day, as I stare blankly into space waiting for the crucial moment when I have to open my eyes and see all the pain of the world and find out that I don't want to leave it just yet.
It hasn't come.
I shake out of the daze and glance around – what has everyone been up to? They don't care about me after all.
And then Jonouchi hits my shoulder, and grins, talks to me and laughs. How can you laugh? There are so many things wrong with the world. So many imbalances it's dizzying.
But does it matter to me?
I don't matter…
Jonouchi smiles – golden, that brilliant once-reflection that found its way – I find out that I do have faith in the world after all. If it can produce such a being as this, if there are people kind and decent enough that I am proud to call them my friends, then…
…maybe I can smile too.
Maybe that's all that's really needed.