"I can't stand it anymore! I'm going for a walk!"
My eyes are stinging from the salty tears that are welling up inside me. Anger is boiling over. I feel a trickle of coolness run down my burning cheeks. If I start crying, I'm not sure if I'll be able to stop.
We're standing in the kitchen of our apartment. All sense is escaping me as you hastily throw your jacket on and fling open the front door.
My stomach lurches as the only words I am able to say are the vilest, the most hurtful…"See if I fucking care."
You were waiting for me to stop you from leaving, but I screwed up. Your pained eyes narrow at me. They hold so much emotion.
The door slams shut and I am left alone.
"Bastard…" I say out loud, more to myself than anyone else.
---
The rain outside is coming down in thick sheets. It's chillingly cold and I wonder when Duo will be back. I've made myself some coffee and now I'm lying on the couch, staring blankly at the ceiling.
I can't stop thinking about you.
I know better then to go searching out there to bring him home. We need time to clear our heads. If I found Duo this soon, it would only make things worse. So now I'm here waiting, yearning, for his return. I suddenly feel very lonely.
Within my mind, I replay this afternoon.
The crummy weather kept us indoors, cooped up with one another. My laptop was plopped up in front of me and I was busy typing away at the keyboard. When I'm working I become very focused, as programming can be intense. One mistake can cause many problems. My reputation within the company I work for has set my project standards high. I cannot afford to become distracted.
The scrap yard was closed today, due to the rain. This gave Duo the day to himself so he decided to stay home and rest. I don't mind my roommate's companionship at all. He's usually a pleasure to be around. His personality is charming and we practically know each other inside and out from being friends for so long. He always makes me laugh, which I've been told by others is hard to do.
Today was different.
I'm not sure what happened to his happy-go-lucky self but he was in a miserable mood. Maybe it was the weather or maybe he just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but whatever provoked his "bad side" to show did quite a job.
I couldn't concentrate on my work with Duo acting like this. He was being completely pessimistic and annoying, vying for my attention.
"Heero, I'm bored," he kept whining, "There's nothing to do!"
Every time the same line was repeated, I cringed. I needed to work but he wouldn't let me. My frustration was almost at the breaking point.
He crossed the line later in the afternoon. I was about finished with the script I was laboring over for days when…
"Can I see what you're working on?" his voice was mellow and curious.
"Sure, come," I answered.
He walked over to the desk and peered over my shoulder. I went through the project with him and he listened intently. Then, after scrolling through the script and showing him its different attributes and what they did, he couldn't help but hit me with all the questions he'd held in while I was explaining.
I tried to keep up with him, but it was difficult. As he talked, my hands were running across the keyboard and moving the mouse so quickly that I wasn't paying full attention to what I was doing.
Then the unthinkable happened. I accidentally deleted half the coding I'd done.
"What…?" my voice quivered as I realized what had just occurred.
This sent me into an instant fury. I was trembling with disbelief.
Instead of feeling remorse, Duo simply returned to acting negative, blaming the universe on how misfortunes plague good people.
He was driving me fucking insane.
With all the tension building up inside me, I finally lashed out. My words ripped through him, tearing his spirit apart.
I said a lot of hateful things. All of it was untrue, but the impact was still there. Not backing down, he yelled at me in return.
The argument grew and so did the pain felt by us both. When he no longer could stand being in my presence, he left, slamming the door behind him… shattering my world.
Slowly my memories fade and return me to the aftermath of it all.
I sigh deeply and turn over to my side. The couch shifts with my weight. There is no longer any energy in me. I feel like shit.
Why must I always be so mean to him? Sure, he was being a jerk today, and yeah, he did help me lose a few hundred dollars. Did that justify my reaction?
No.
The words that had raged from within me were horrible. I had no control over myself. 'Perfect Solider' my ass.
I had genuinely hurt him, and with it, I hurt inside as well.
I'm longing for him to return. He's taking such a long time.
I just want him to know that I love him, but I'm afraid to say anything.
What if he doesn't feel the same about me? What would I do - laugh it off and carry on in life?
I couldn't be that strong.
The truth is, I need him. He helps me in more ways then he knows.
I wish I could hold him and feel his warmth against me. I want to be with him.
I've loved him for such a long time.
The rain outside patters against the window and I feel so empty… so cold…
My eyes close to hold in tears.
Sleep is setting on me and slowly I give in.
---
I'm woken up by the sound of the front door opening. When I sleep, I'm very alert and any noise will make me stir.
The door creaks slowly. I rub my eyes and they hurt to touch. My watch tells me it has been a little over three hours since he left.
I sit up and rest on the back of the couch to face the doorway.
He's home.
"Heero," his whispers are barely audible, "Hi."
He walks inside and shuts the door behind him. I watch as he takes the soaking wet jacket off of his shoulders and places it over a chair. The rain made him look pitiful; his hair was flat against him and his clothes were wet and heavy.
"Sorry for being such a blatant asshole," he says.
"No, no," I answer nervously, getting up from the couch and walking to him.
When I get closer, I notice his eyes are red and swollen. It's a sure sign that he was crying earlier. His tears must have been washed away in the rain.
"What happened was just as much my fault," I console him, "And… those things I said… I didn't mean them…at all. I'm so sorry."
His depressing expression lightens a bit. I feel his hand cup my cheek. He is so cold.
"It's okay now. I'll do whatever is necessary to repay you," his words melt me.
"Don't worry about it," I sigh.
His hand leaves me and I am silently disappointed.
"You should go take a warm shower and get into comfortable clothes," I tell him.
Those violet eyes are gazing into my own. He's flushing and I feel warmth growing within me.
He's so beautiful, even after facing the storm outside…
I'm sweeping the damp bangs away from his soft face.
What are you doing? My mind is trying to wake me, but it fails. My emotions are taking over.
"Don't leave me again," I whisper and he collapses into my touch, eyes closing in pleasure.
He steps forward, pulls me close to him, and embraces my body. A slight moan escapes me as the warmth burns within.
"I won't…" he talks softly into my ear, "Let's not fight like this."
I breathe deeply.
"I love you."
My mind is racing. You said it, there's no turning back… please, Duo, don't kill me…
"I'm so glad," he smiles.
He turns to face me and our lips touch. I slightly nibble at him and he parts his lips, inviting me. My tongue enters to caresses his and he returns the kiss. Pure bliss!
We sidle back from each other after a while to catch our breaths.
"I love you, too, Heero," he says, running his fingers through my hair, "I have since I first met you."
Dear God… Thank you for this day…
"I have something for you," he tells me, pulling away.
He grabs his jacket.
"While I was out today, I was wandering around the city and found this cute, little florist," he goes on, removing something from under the jacket.
"For you," he smiles and hands me the single bouquet.
It's a white rose… the symbol for peace, trust, and our blossoming new love.
(owari)
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