Snape's Diary
Dear Diary, Today I ate some oatmeal for my breakfast. It was flavorless and watery. I thought of my mother. I cried.
Dear Diary, Today I put on my raincoat, and traveled to Nocturne Alley. I purchased a pair of fancy mice. When I brought then home, one devoured the other, and then died of loneliness. I felt envy.
Dear Diary, Today I heard a mysterious ticking noise. I felt jaded, so I started to sing along to the tick. As soon as I started, Dumbledore and Potter's Posse showed up. Turns out the tick was a pipe bomb, and Voldemort almost took over the School, but he did not succeed.
Dear Diary, Today that Potter boy showed me his middle finger. When I attempted to punish him with detention, he shoved me into a wall screaming, "BOTHER, BOTHER!" over and over. Later he and his orange friend repeated the violent act until I lost consciousness. Tonight I prayed for the first time in twenty years. I prayed for the end.
Dear Diary, I lost a button on my cloak today. Minerva pointed it out in front of the entire faculty. OH CRUEL ATTENTION.
Button, oh button, oh, where hath thou fled?
Did thee tarry to long amongst fabric and thread?
Did thee roll off my bosom and cease to exist?
How I wish I could follow thee into the mist.
Dear Diary, Today while in the bathtub, I fell asleep and had a nightmare. I was riding a thestral through a thunderstorm. Every thunderclap resolved into their voices "BOTHER, BOTHER!" Suddenly, it became music. I was the Yule Ball with Lily Evans. I asked her to dance, she asked me to die. Would that I could Lily, would that I could. When I awoke, my skin was prune-like from the tepid bathwater. And I was late for golf with Lucius Malfoy.
Dear Diary, today, the orange one accidently drank one of my more expensive elixirs, he promptly vomited a glittering rainbow of fowl waste. The classroom erupted with applause, triggering my migraine. I aborted the class and was left to clean the boys' sick. Halfway through, Argus Filch, showed up, and bragged about his many affairs with Hogsmead barmaids, and told me that I smelled of Broccoli and left without wishing me a happy birthday. I thought of my father. I cried.
NOT
(Harry) DEAR STINKY DIARY!!!!!!!!!!!, I AM ^ SNAPE. I am so sad because I POOP MY PANTS all the time. I don't have any friends because I stink like BROCILI and POOP. I HAVE TO teach Potions to HARRY POTTER AND POSSE. It's really boring because he is so cool and it makes me have DEPRESSION!!!!!!. Okay I think I'll go cry now, but not before I POOP MY PANTS!!!!.
BYE!
(Ron)