I Hate the Way You Love
Naomi wakes her up with juice and some toast and with a hesitant smile on her face.
Emily takes them and goes into another room to eat, feeling like a horrible person for striking Naomi down every time but not really quite knowing how to stop doing it.
--
Its sort of ridiculous the way their rolls have been reversed. Emily feels a bit perverse about grudging all of Naomi's attention because she's just fawning, with apologies written in her eyes. It feels perverse because Emily remembers the days when she would've given anything to have Naomi chasing after her like she's doing now.
The problem is, now she can barely remember why this was worth fighting so hard for in the first place.
--
Emily slams her locker with a little bit more force than necessary. She almost jumps when she sees Effy leaning there behind the door she just shut, smiling eerily at her. She almost jumps but she's so fucking tired.
Effy tilts her head and seems to take her in, "Alright then?"
Emily starts to say she's fine, starts to tell a lie but then she bites it back because this is Effy and if anyone will understand when love isn't perfect, when it fucks you completely over, it'll be her.
"No, I can't sleep. I can't eat and Naomi dances around me looking constantly wounded and so sorry that it makes me feel like shit for not forgiving her."
Effy does something unexpected and rests her hand on Emily's arm. Emily starts and stares down at the soft hand with long fingers and blue painted fingernails and reminds herself that this is the new Effy. The one with curlier hair and a headband, the one that smiles and kisses Freddie and coos about how in love with him she is.
"Love isn't always perfect, Ems," she says and her eyes are so intensely blue and fixed on Emily's face that Emily glances away.
"Not all of us can be like you and Freddie, eh?" Emily hears how harsh her voice sounds and she feels bad, shoving Effy down when it's obvious she's trying to straighten her life out in some way but she's just so full of bitterness lately, it's hard not to spread around.
Effy removes her hand and her eyes narrow just a bit and they're so knowing that suddenly she's like the old Effy again. The one that Emily had thought was so devastatingly and beautifully broken.
"I'm giving it a go," she says softly and Emily feels a wealth of sadness for her. For Effy who's trying so hard to be normal. For the Effy that's choosing Freddie because he loves her back and he's so incredibly safe.
"Do you ever think about that night," Emily asks, hating herself a bit because they'd both sworn never to bring it up.
Effy sucks in a quick breath and it's the first time Emily's ever seen her surprised.
"I'm not her," Effy says quickly, "It's not me you're wanting anymore."
"Yeah," Emily agrees, "I'm not the one you want either, anymore."
"Let it go, Ems," Effy says, "Please."
It's the "please" that gets Emily, makes her slowly back down and relax by degrees. Makes her just stand by as Effy walks away, slipping into the slightly loose, happy girl image she's trying to put forth these days. Fucking fake, Emily thinks bitterly before she picks up her bag and walks to class.
--
Naomi tries to kiss her the next day. They're watching telly and Naomi touches her arm, says, "Emily…"
When Emily turns, Naomi surges forward, pushing her lips harshly onto Emily's, already trying to push her back on the sofa. Emily pushes back fiercely and turns her head to the side.
Naomi falls back onto her side of the couch and looks at Emily with wide, hurt eyes that are shining with tears.
"I'm not ready for that," Emily says.
Naomi nods her head and then gets up stiffly, walking out of the room. Emily can hear her a few minutes later, sobbing upstairs.
Emily grabs her coat, slamming the door behind her as she leaves.
--
She doesn't know why she walks to Effy's. Maybe it has to do with the bottle of vodka she picked up while walking. Maybe it has to do with that conversation that they had between the words they actually spoke that morning. What the fuck ever, Emily thinks as she sets the bottle down on the ground and rings Effy's doorbell.
Effy almost looks like herself when she opens the door. It's her makeup, Emily thinks. Her eye liner has run a bit, because she's obviously been crying. That's more normal.
"Emily," Effy says as a way of hi and pushes the door open a bit more, waiting for Emily to slide by her.
Emily does come in, wobbling slightly. "Couldn't stand to be at Naomi's house," she ends up saying, "Figured you'd understand."
Effy gestures for Emily to follow her upstairs and while they're walking, plodding each up step, Effy says, "I thought it was your house too."
Emily passes the back of her hand over her dry eyes, "Not sure it is."
--
Turns out Effy's room is still Effy's room. Sex is still brazenly written above the bed and there's still a bottle of liquor sitting on the dresser. Somehow its fitting that Effy still lingers here.
Emily sits on the bed and fingers the fabric of the duvet, "I used to not think about it," she says quietly, "Now I can't really stop."
"Fucksake," Effy sighs and reaches for the liquor. She twists off the cap and lets it fall to the floor with a clattering sound. Emily watches as her throat works. Watches the liquid slide down it.
When Effy finally pulls the bottle away, her blue eyes are shining bright and they look a bit wild again. It's a look Emily recognizes.
"I'm trying, Emily," Effy says and sits down on the bed next to her and their thighs are touching.
"I know you are," Emily says long moments later and she feels like a bitch for even coming here in the first place, "I just…"
"Yeah," Effy says in return, "I know." Her hand moves over slightly until her pinky is just barely grazing Emily's leg and somehow Emily can feel it through the material of her skirt.
--
Emily leaves a few hours later when she's feeling slightly less pissed.
Her phone vibrates in her pocket.
For what it's worth, I still think about it to
"God damn it," Emily says and sits on the curb outside of Naomi's house. Because its certainly not hers anymore.