Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect.
This story contains spoilers from Virmire. Kind of.
o o o
He fell in love, once upon a time.
She was brave and tough and everything in between. He had watched her ever since her first day aboard his ship: the way she carried herself, the invisible baggage she seemed to be shouldering. They talked and laughed and smiled. She was special.
"I'm activating the nuke."
Then she died. But he didn't stop loving her.
o o o
She died because he let her. Because he left her.
He wondered what might have been, had he saved her. What could have been of them. He thought about it all the time, it's actually quite scary.
They might have―would have been together. They would have talked about her teenage years and sisters. Would have spent late nights in his bunk, giggling and in each other's arms. They could have been a family, could have raised daughters with her face and hair and eyes.
Then they'd grow old together. Except she died first. Because he let her.
o o o
Back then, he didn't believe in God.
He had been in all sorts of places, met all kinds of people. He had witnessed the mess they created and thought that if God really exists, He wouldn't let those kinds of things happen.
Then she died, and something changed.
He started believing in God, because he wanted it to be that way. He wanted to think that when she died, she went somewhere safe, somewhere better, with someone she had faith in. He didn't want to think that she was just gone, because she was Ashley and she couldn't just disappear like that.
He still cried when he thought of her; he hoped he was right.
o o o
There used to be a time when her family hated him for what he did. Especially Sarah.
After he had defeated Sovereign, she hunted down his address and flew all the way there. He remembered it being three in the morning when she stormed into his house, screaming and crying and threatening to slit his throat with a fork.
"You knew that she loved you," she had said, her face wet with tears and her voice dripping with accusation.
"I knew." The sky spun and his heart broke just a little more. "I love her, too."
She threw a chair at him and missed, but he cried anyway.
o o o
He kept a picture of her under his pillow; she was in her Alliance uniform, her smile effortless and her skin glowing the same way he remembered it to.
"I'm sorry, Ash," he whispered to her every night, repeating it like a mantra. "I'm so sorry." But she never replied.
o o o
Amaterasu. That's where her family and grave were. They didn't have her body because it was bl―gone. But he pretended she's there anyway, because it's the best he could do.
"I never stopped loving you, you know."
It was one of his visits; he came to see her whenever he was off-duty. Sometimes he'd hunt down a really great assault rifle and place it at her feet, so that she could go around and shoot things in Heaven with her "boomstick."
A cold breeze brushed the skin of his neck as he searched his brain for something to tell; when it comes to her, he's always eager to please.
"Sarah, um―she bumped into me earlier this morning and asked me to join them at lunch." He cracked a grin. "I went. It was great. Your family is great." But mostly, I wish you were there.
He sighed. "She also… she told me that it's okay if I ever move on, that you wouldn't be mad at me," he shook his head. "But it's kind of scary, because I don't think I can forget you. Everywhere I go, it's like you're there too, you know? It's like I couldn't let go, and you never really left me."
He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I don't plan to forget, Ash. We can stay this way forever."
o o o
He missed her. God, he missed her.
He couldn't even remember why he chose Alenko anymore.
o o o
"It's done. Go get the lieutenant and get the hell out of here."
It's done it's done it's done. But he loved her so and how was he supposed to accept that she was gone because of him?
Today he hated himself. And then the next. And the next.
o o o
Sometimes when he visited her grave, he would leave her a letter. This was one of those times.
Scratched on a piece of careless paper: Come back, Ash. That's an order.
There were tears on it, and he imagined her smiling face, saying "aye, aye, skipper."
o o o
Virmire was awesome; I just had to write something about it.
This is my first Mass Effect fanfic, so it'd be great if you tell me what you think. What was good, what was not, and all that jazz. So review! :D