Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, they belong to Hollyoaks!
Summary: Set after Brendan and Doug leave Ste following the shooting.
A/N: For my dear Tezza, happy birthday lovely xx
No Good For You
"I'm no good for ye"
Ste sits alone in his flat, that he wouldn't have if it wasn't for Brendan, his arms around his waist as though to protect himself from the events of the day. Doug was gone, Brendan was gone. Amy and the kids were gone. There was only him now.
For the first time in a long while, Ste realised how it felt to be alone. He had spent the last two years in a state of confusion; verging from overwhelming love and desire to heartbreak and regret. He had never taken the moment to collect his thoughts, to really consider what it all meant.
One thing he did know, and had perhaps been realising for a while now, was that Brendan still loved him. It wasn't the same as before; Ste remembered how Brendan had always made him feel when they were together, like he was adulated, owned even. Brendan had always had a piece of him and no matter what had happened between them, Ste had always let him. Now it was different, Brendan was different. Ste sensed that he had done terrible things, perhaps recently, and Ste found himself not caring. He didn't care because Brendan cared, and that was what counted.
He didn't understand Doug's motivations. The whole thing completely destroyed him, if he was being honest. He thought Doug was someone he could trust and it turned out he could trust him as much as he could trust everyone else in his life who had left him and let him down. Things hadn't been right for a long time, and Ste knew deep down the charade couldn't continue.
Ste stared out of the window, noting his curtains with the holes in them. He remembered many months ago shutting them on Brendan. He also remembered later that day with Brendan telling him he loved him, and making love on the floor. And against the wall. And on the sofa. Ste allowed himself a smile. He knew a choice had to be made once and for all. Would he be honest with Doug about his feelings? What were his feelings? Would he go after Brendan? Or, better yet, would he remain alone for a while? Ste hadn't been his own person for such a long time, he'd almost forgotten what it meant.
For the first few days, Ste closed himself off from the world. The deli was shut for the foreseeable so he didn't have to worry about that. He turned his phone off, telling Amy in advance if there was an emergency to call the home phone. Then he cleaned the flat, completely. There was so much junk littered around; broken kids' toys, some of Doug's crap. Ste grabbed a big black sack and got to work, taking out one of his old polo's and not bothering to do the buttons up.
By the end of the day, he had three full bags of rubbish to throw away, and some of Amy's things she had left behind. He sat on the sofa, getting a beer from the fridge and putting his feet up, watching any old crap on telly. He fell asleep right there, ordering pizza somewhere in the middle.
When he got up the next morning, he ate the leftover pizza for breakfast and then showered, picking out some old trackie bottoms and a t-shirt to go out to the local dump. He didn't see anyone he knew on the way and even if he had, he wouldn't have stopped to chat. This independence business wasn't so bad as things went. Ste spent about a week in this state, sorting things out around the flat, calling various people about the deli. Cheryl left him a few messages but Ste ignored them. He didn't need her advice right now, he needed to decide on his own.
Doug didn't call, and if he had, Ste wouldn't have answered. He didn't hear from Brendan at all, he suspected he'd left town. Ste couldn't ignore the ache in his stomach at the thought. Perhaps he'd taken Declan home to Ireland. The one person besides Amy Ste did contact, just the once, was Declan. He sent him a message the day Doug and Brendan had left, telling him he hoped he was okay. Declan had replied as most fourteen year olds would, with barely any words. But he was fine, and that was the main thing. When Ste thought about what Walker had almost done, it made him sick with anger. He was angry for himself, because of his kids, but absolutely vengeful at the thought of someone hurting Declan. Ste wondered when the boy had started to mean so much to him, and whether any of that had to do with his feelings for Brendan, whatever they were.
The second week on his own, Ste decided to open the deli again. Various villagers passed by, giving him sad smiles. Riley's shrine was ever growing and Ste felt his eyes prick with tears when he remembered how Riley had helped them decorate the deli. He had been a decent guy, and in Ste's experience, they were pretty hard to come by.
He saw a flash of something out of the corner of his eye as he turned the key in the lock. It was gone in an instant, whatever it was. Ste shook his head, forgetting about it for the remainder of the day. He went through the motions for that week, smiling sympathetically at anyone who brought up the shooting, feeling sick to his stomach at his part in it. He went home every day feeling exhausted. He showered every night, as though that would remove all the bad feelings he was experiencing right now.
By the third week, Doug called. It was stilted and Ste still didn't really know how he felt about it all. He told Doug he needed more space, he didn't want him to come back to the flat when he returned home. After that, Ste felt his emotions catch up with him and he cried for a very long time. When he glanced up, his tears drying on his face, he caught another glimpse of something at the window, or someone. He ran to the door, flinging it open, but no one was there. Ste wiped his nose on his hand and shut the door, and for another week he waited. He didn't know what for.
One morning when he went to the deli, he saw a figure at the top of the steps. It could be anyone, Doug even, but Ste felt something reach out in him, and he immediately knew who it was. He'd had a lot of time to mull over his words, and as he took the steps two at a time, he knew what he was going to say.
Brendan stood there, still slightly unsteady but no longer needing his crutches. His face had healed up somewhat but his eyes looked haunted. He looked Ste over once, his knuckles turning white from the effort of not reaching out, or so Ste assumed.
"Ye look good" he said, his voice croaky. Ste realised then what he'd been missing these past few weeks, and who the dark figure in his dreams was every time he closed his eyes. He could pretend it didn't matter, that he was moving on, but he never could, not really. He took a step forwards and Brendan took one back, looking like a startled animal. "Don't" he said softly. "Please"
"I've had a lot of time to think" Ste said, his hands stretched outwards. "And I've come to the conclusion that you're an idiot"
That shook Brendan out of his reverie. "Excuse me?"
"You said you're no good to me, and that might be true" Ste took a tentative step forwards and was glad when Brendan stood his ground. "You told me everything you did for me, all those bullets you took. You think it matters, that you walked away from me and let me live. But it doesn't, because you're still taking control of it"
"I'm not-" Brendan interrupted but Ste shook his head.
"No. You aren't letting me be my own person this way, don't you see? It's my choice, no one else's. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way, filled with regrets. I want to make this decision for myself, no one else. This is me. This is it" Ste took several more steps towards him.
"Please. Steven" Brendan begged very quietly. "If ye come any closer I won't be able to stop myself"
"Good" Ste said, his voice shaking but with absolute conviction. "You made me realise something when you put yourself in front of me with that gun. You wouldn't let someone get to me through you, you wouldn't let them hurt me. You don't want to hurt me anymore"
"I never did" Brendan said shakily. "Ye know that"
"And I know there's a reason why" Ste said carefully. "I know there's never an excuse for our behaviour but we are what our parents make us, right?"
The surprise and understanding on Brendan's face confirmed what Ste thought.
"I can't be the man ye need, not like Doug can"
"Doug and me were never going to work, maybe in another life. You can't love someone when your heart is with someone else"
Brendan let out a shaky breath. "There's no turning back after this, Steven. I can't lose ye again"
"I know" Ste said gently. He closed the distance between them, placing his hands on Brendan's chest. He could feel his heart thudding beneath his palms. "But just know that I… I love you"
Brendan bowed his head, pulling Ste towards him, Ste's head resting against his chest. "I love ye too" he whispered, kissing Ste's hair.
Ste wound his arms tightly around Brendan's waist. "You've been watching me" he said eventually. Brendan smiled apologetically.
"What can I say? Even old habits die hard"
"I don't mind. You did the right thing, leaving me alone"
"I'm patting myself on the back as we speak" Brendan said, his voice low. Ste felt himself shake with laughter and then he began to cry again. Brendan pulled him into the house, wiping his tears away with his thumb and kissing him all over his face, gentle, exploring kisses.
They didn't make it to the bedroom. Ste stripped slowly in front of him, leaving himself bare, exposed. Brendan's eyes raked over him wonderingly, like it was for the first time. Ste gave him his trust with his body, with his heart. Brendan flung his own clothes to the side, his toned body a marvel to Ste's eyes, his fingers trailing over the dark curls on his chest with reverence.
Ste felt a pit of fire burning in his belly that had never really left him. He kissed Brendan hard on the mouth, taking the lead. Brendan let him until instinct took over and he had him against the wall, Ste's leg hooked up to his waist, Brendan's probing fingers slicked with spit finding their target. Ste squirmed above him, throwing his head back. Brendan licked a trail down his neck, sucking kisses on his collar bone. When he felt Brendan's cock readying itself, Ste held his breath. He took a moment to look into Brendan's eyes and he smiled. Brendan waited for his nod as he guided himself inside.
They both groaned with relief. Brendan's entire body was shaking and Ste found himself stroking the back of his neck like Brendan had done for him their first time together. It almost felt like a beginning. A new beginning. There would be time for long, drawn-out sessions later, and indeed there was. But Ste was content to feel Brendan inside him, and to feel him shudder and climax against him, whispering his name like a promise.
They collapsed onto the floor after, their sweaty bodies un-sticking from each other. Ste's breathing was ragged but he was happy, so very happy. Brendan put an arm around him and pulled him in close.
"I locked the door" he said quietly and Ste laughed and couldn't stop himself for a long time. Brendan joined in and the way his face lit up made him look younger than Ste had ever seen him. He kissed him again then, his hands cradling his face.
"No good for me, eh? What was that then?" Ste teased, kissing Brendan several times on the mouth.
"If it meant keeping ye safe-"
"Shh, none of that. I'm with you now, that's it. We'll face whatever comes together, alright?"
"Ye are the boss" Brendan chuckled, pulling Ste onto his lap.
"How do you feel about that?"
Brendan shrugged. "Whatever ye want"
"It won't last" Ste's eyes twinkled. "But that's okay. As long as we understand each other"
"Perfectly" Brendan stared into his face, his expression full of wonder and hope. "God I just-" he broke off, pressing their foreheads together.
"I know" Ste smiled. "Me too"
"I don't plan on unlocking that door all day ye know"
"Good job I have no where else I'd rather be"
Their bodies melted together once more, and Ste felt he finally understood what it meant to be alone, and yet together. This was their chance, and Ste was going to cherish it completely. At the end of the day, there is no one else.