Habits.
Disclaimer. This is a work of fanfiction featuring characters and locations created by JK Rowling. No commercial gain is made from this.
Rating. Mature. Not suitable for children or teens below the age of 16 with non-explicit suggestive adult themes, references to some violence, sex or coarse language.
AN. Trigger Warnings for all the things. I'm not going to list them as a check list but this is a tale of how an emotionally abused boy reacts to bad situations. It is not a light and fluffy thing.
Habits
Harry was running through the long grass with Sirius, who was in his animagus for. The sun was shining down on them and a gentle breeze stirred the grass like wind on the water.
"Keep up pup." Sirius said, his long tongue hanging out his mouth in the way of dogs. As he spoke he sprinted off, muscles bunching. He ran towards the sun. Harry stumbled as he ran. The grass hiding Sirius from his sight.
Harry regained his feet, there was no sign of his godfather.
"Sirius, Sirius! SIRIUS!" His voice getting increasingly more panicky.
He sat upright in bed his pyjamas wet with his sweet. Sirius was dead, it was a week since the ministry.
"Oh Fuck, fuck." He repeated the expletive just under his breath. He wanted to cry, all he wanted to do was curl up and cry but there was an emptiness inside him. No matter how he felt he never cried. His hands reached down beneath his mattress, carefully he found down his knife. It was a simple little pen knife, the blade was less than an inch long but so sharp.
He rolled down his pyjama pants and ran his fingers across the outside of his thigh. That was the point. He made his incision. He finally stopped swearing as he sucked in air.
The pain felt clean, a release. He watched the blood drip away. It would do for now. He staunched the wound, holding a piece of tissue over it till it clotted. Throwing off his pyjamas, he pulled on his robe and he headed out.
He appeared in the hall for breakfast, eating a piece of toast he soon hurried off before the stares got to him. He stalked the corridors in the least used wings. He should go and see Ron and Hermione but he couldn't face seeing them. They were in hospital because it was his fault. Sirius was dead because it was his fault. He was fucking useless.
He muttered it as he walked "Fucking useless." Over and over with every step, every breath reminded him he was fucking useless. He took a sharp turn into a class room. He pulled up his robes. His knife in his hand, searching for a piece of skin that was unmarked.
He sucked in his breath as the blade bit. All his concentration on the blood. The fresh, restrained by the path of the rust coloured dry.
"Does that make you feel better?" Luna's question was merely curious there was no judgement to it. Harry looked up, he was so fixated on his blood he hadn't heard her come in the room.
"Can I see the knife?"
Wordlessly he handed it over, he had nothing to say.
She examined the blade. "Nice and sharp." Harry watched in astonishment as she lifted up her robes. Higher and higher till he could see her white cotton panties pulled tight. She ran a hand down her white unblemished leg. She found a spot on her thigh close to where he had stabbed himself.
She hissed as she made her incision. "So how do you feel when you watch the blood?"
"All the pain leaves me as the blood leaves me."
"I can see that. Do you like watching me cut myself? Or do you just like watching me." As she spoke she pulled on her knickers. So they became tighter against her body.
Harry felt his blood pound and for once it wasn't leaving his body. He was grateful his robe was now down as his pants grew tight.
Luna smiled a said smile. "Cutting isn't healthy Harry. Meet me here tomorrow. If you can show me no fresh cuts I'll show you something you like."
With that she drifted out of the room. Harry stood with a feeling of restriction in his pants. He shut and locked the door then pulled up his robe again, discarding it he looked down at himself. His tight y-fronts unable to keep himself contained. He slipped his hands down inside. His touch grew increasingly stronger and soon his semen splashed out onto the floor next to his blood. He watched the white and red mix.
He turned away, dressing quickly scrougified the mess and left the room.
Dreams that night were of Luna and he woke hard. He quickly relieved that pressure. He threw his messy shorts into the wash and headed for his usual breakfast of toast.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxx
At four o'clock Luna walked into the classroom where he waited.
"Hello Harry," she said sadly. "Have you been good, no new cuts?"
"I haven't today."
"Show me."
Although he thought about nothing else he was slightly hesitant to lift his robe but he lifted it up to show no new marks on his thighs.
"Someone who hides himself away to cut himself is not above finding a new piece of skin if he knows that his legs are going to be checked."
He threw Luna a glare. Glancing at the scar on his hand. I must not tell lies. He pulled his robe up over his head and threw it onto the floor. Standing before her in just his tight y-fronts. "Satisfied now?"
"Yes Harry, sorry." Luna seemed genuinely sorry and hesitant. Harry's anger softened although as she started to lift her robe he felt himself harden. Yesterday she had only lifted her clothes as high as her thighs giving him glimpses of her panties, today she lifted her robe over her head and dropped it next to his.
Harry felts his eyes almost bulge as Luna stood in front of him in plain white bra and knickers. He felt as hard as he could be and glanced down at himself. He had poked out from his tight underpants as it couldn't contain him he reached down to adjust himself but as he touched himself he knew that he was close to coming. It was going to happen soon what ever happened so pulled himself out in front of Luna and in one, two thrusts he came over the floor in front of her.
She looked on in horror picked up her robe and was leaving as she pulled it on.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hermione was finally out from the hospital wing and was worried. Harry hadn't visited once, she'd been told that when she had been petrified he had visited every day. Neville told her that he had barely seen Harry that he was avoiding everyone. She knew what this meant, he blamed himself. She wish she had his map, she'd have to do this the hard way. Methodically she stalked the castle. Starting with the disused wings.
She turned a corner and she could hear crying. She cautiously approached the noise. She saw Luna at the same time as the scraggily haired girl saw her.
"Hermione" Luna threw herself at her. "It's Harry."
It took some time for Luna to tell the whole sordid tale. It was as bad as Hermione feared.
"So he's started cutting himself now, it's not really a surprise."
Luna who normally look surprised stared hard at her.
"When you look in a mirror Luna what do you see?"
"I see my reflection."
Hermione smiled sadly. "I'll tell you what I see. I see a plain girl who needs to spend four hours doing my hair and makeup for boys to even notice I'm a girl. I see an only child who had all her parents' attention. She learned to love that and wanted it from all adults. So she studied hard to make all the teachers praise her the way her parents did. I see a girl who argued to be in Gryffindor because what's another studios girl in Ravenclaw? The Gryffindor's think I'm the second coming of Merlin. So that's what I see. Do you understand?"
Luna nodded slowly.
"Do you know what Harry sees?"
"I don't." Luna confessed her brow creased in thought.
"He see a worthless freak. It's what his aunt always called him. His uncle screams and shouts, he locks him away and avoids him. His aunt is more insidious but worthless freak is her favourite phrase. Imagine that, all your life since you were old enough to comprehend to be called freak. To be called worthless, a burden, an inconvenience. Have you ever watched Harry play quidditch? They call him brave and fearless. He's not. He just cares more for winning than living. He threw himself off his broom to catch the snitch in second year. In first year he rescued a girl he didn't really know from a troll. Eleven years old and risks his life for an acquaintance. Second year he faced a basilisk to save someone he'd barely spoken too. Harry places everyone above himself because he cares nothing of himself. I'm glad you tried to stop him but I'll do it now."
"You will? I thought you'd try and bully him."
"I can bully him into doing homework or doing the right thing but stopping him from self destruction there's only one way."
"What is that?"
"You go with him. He cares nothing for his life but if I let him know I'll be with him every step of the way then he'll be pull back from the brink to keep me safe or at least he has so far."
Luna hugged her impulsively. "You're a good friend to him."
Hermione smiled sadly. "Harry risked his life for a girl he barely knew. I'll risk my life for my best friend any day."
Xxxxx
Harry awoke, and before he had even given it thought was stroking himself. Thinking of Luna of the tight lines of her panties. Soon he was cumming again. He wondered if she would show at four, she seemed upset yesterday but he would see. Hermione was out from hospital and kept trying to speak to him but he pretending not to hear her, to sit away from her and disappear into the disused wings as soon as he could. He had nearly killed her she must hate him by now. It was nearly four he headed down to the classroom
Hermione braced herself she couldn't believe what she was about to do but if it kept Harry from self harm.
She opened the door quickly stepping into the room and locked it behind her. This wasn't a simple locking charm either.
"Hermione?" Harry was startled to see her here.
"Oh Harry what have you been up to?"
The look on his face told her all she needed to know.
"Luna can't come today so I agreed to in her stead. She told me everything Harry."
In other circumstances watching the conflicting emotions run across his face would have been amusing. Guilt, shame and confusion all battled for supremacy .
"I need to see no new cuts Harry, show me." The last was said with a hint of steel and he pulled off his robe dropping it to the floor. In other circumstances she might have focused on his tight y-fronts but instead the wounds on his legs took her attention. The top of his thighs were covered with puncture wounds. Laid out carefully in a grid. How long had he been doing this? She forced herself to look. There was nothing new there.
"Thank you Harry. Thank you for not cutting yourself. So let me see if I understand this deal. If I see any fresh cuts," she pulled out his pen knife and pulled up her robe showing him all of one leg, "then I will get a matching one. Do you want to see me cut?"
He shook his head. Eyes wide with amazement. "However if you are free of any cuts then you get a reward." With that she pulled up her robe over her head and dropped it on the floor next to her. She wished she had some sexier underwear rather than the plain white she was wearing but Luna had said he was happy with her in white. Hermione watched as Harry's Penis grew thicker and longer until it poked it's way out of his pants.
Almost on automatic pilot she watched his stroke himself. All her instincts were to cover herself but Harry's reward was to look at her and masturbate. She leaned back against a desk. Keeping her knees apart he stepped closer, his hand moving faster until he grunted and ejaculated the first spurt landing on her foot. The rest falling short.
It was then slightly embarrassing where to look, what to do she waited for him to pull up his pants then still in her underwear gave him a hug.
"Some times you can be an idiot, cutting yourself. Honestly Harry. I'll see you here tomorrow
for more rewards. Also come by the common room tonight. Ron should be out of hospital. "
Harry dressed and she unlocked the door so he could leave, she had her robe on but not her shoes she was still looking at her feet when Luna came in.
Her eyes wide dropped to Hermione's feet. "Is that?"
"Where I let Harry masturbate and he splashed on me? Yes." She then started to laugh. There was nothing funny but she laughed till she cried as Luna held her.
"So many cuts Luna, I'll do that again and again if it stops him. The only thing with Harry he'll need something more soon. Like any addict he needs bigger hits or the drug has no effect."
"This isn't healthy Hermione for either of you." Luna warned.
"I suppose not but masturbating over girls in their underwear is the closest to normal Harry has ever got. Just one thing Luna, can you get me some tissue please."
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxcxx
Ron returned to the common room and to her surprise Harry was there to greet him.
"Harry," Ron still slurred his words. "Bloody good to see you."
"Language Ronald." She couldn't help herself the words were out of her mouth.
He turned to her "I'm only just speaking again, I should be allowed the odd bloody."
Hermione felt like she'd been slapped he was a hundred percent right. Considering what she was doing to help Harry she could make a similar sacrifice for her other friend.
"You right Ron, we should just thank fuck your here, not worry about the odd swear word."
There was a gasp as all conversation instantly stilled.
"Who are you and what have you done with Hermione?" Ron asked more clearly.
"I'm still her but I'm grateful we are all safe and will do anything to help my friends." She gave Harry a look at the last. He turned away and headed to the dorm.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It was their last day at Hogwarts, tomorrow they would catch the train and HHermione would have to trust Harry to not cut himself once he knew she couldn't check up on him. She walked up to the room where they met, if she was honest she was terrified. Today she was going to go further than she had. She could cope with that, just. She had promised him a reward if he stopped and since Luna had found him that one time he had stopped cutting himself. No the thing that scared her was the promise she was going to make, that if he didn't cut himself over the holidays he would get a bigger reward. She would leave it nebulous and vague but even she didn't know exactly what she would do. At least beyond what she was already doing. She was at the room and Harry waited for her.
He pulled off his robe, showing no fresh wounds, the oldest ones were healing nicely.
"Thank you Harry, now for your reward." She pulled off her robe. And dropped it on the floor. Unlike the first time Harry's physical reaction was muted. She looked him in the eyes reached behind herself and unclipped her bra. Before she lost her nerve she pushed down her knickers and stood completely naked in front of him.
His physical reaction was immediate and he was stroking himself it seemed on automatic pilot. It was only a matter of moments before he orgasmed in front of her. It would take versitium before she admitted it but Hermione loved watching that happen.
"Thank you Harry. If you go the summer without any more cuts then when I see you again I'll think of a bigger reward."
The two of them dressed. Harry without looking her in the eye still slightly ashamed. Hermione knew that she had moved him from one destructive behaviour to another
A.N.
Another one.
Not a song fic but Tove Lo was played heavily while writing this. Both Habits and the film Fairy Dust. The pursuit of the high and the crash afterwards.
This tale will be about 16000 words all told and be about eight chapters. It will spend some weeks with harry and chart his decent through some bad habits. It won't be the whole summer but one small period of time.