The insistent beeping of her alarm clock pierced through her thoroughly pleasant dream of relaxing on a deserted beach with her love. "Oh Roy, we need to take some leave and have a real vacation!" Claudia pried her heavy lids apart and the red glow of her alarm clock touting the time of 5:32am burned into her eyes. Registering her empty room and cool half of the bed, the realization hit her before she could block it out. Roy's dead. Rolling over, Claudia curled into a fetal position and wept, her bitter cries accompanied by the alarm.
Her head pounded fiercely and mouth felt dry. The stickiness on her face confirmed she hadn't removed the previous day's makeup. "On shut up!" Claudia snarled, sweeping her arm out and throwing the alarm clock to the floor. Blessedly, the blaring ceased, but Claudia knew her day was just starting. Slowly, Claudia pushed the covers down and moved to a sitting position. Her head spun, and her eyes felt like they were going to migrate out of their sockets. She felt her foot brush against something cool and smooth. She cracked an eye open and spotted an empty Jameson bottle in the semidarkness. One hand blindly reached over to her bedside table, finding the aspirin bottle. She popped two pills and gagged, feeling the pills stick to the back of her throat. Shuffling out of her room, Claudia went to the kitchen. She set her Keurig to the largest setting and stuck an oversized cappuccino mug under the spout. She turned her head and when her eye fell upon her couch, her heart gave a painful lurch. Claudia saw Roy there in her mind's eye. The spot where he drew his last- Claudia swallowed hard and did not finish the thought. She made her way to the bathroom for a shower. Her limbs felt heavy as if she was moving underwater. "Oh Roy, what is the point?" Claudia thought wearily, closing her eyes and letting the scalding water pour over her head.
Hours later, Claudia was at her workstation, diligently focused on ordinance reports. It had been three weeks since the funeral. The Admiral had given her one week of bereavement leave, which she spent holed up in her quarters with the mild sedatives prescribed by the ship's doctors and whatever bottle was available. She shunned any company, even Lisa's. Lisa hardly ever checked in with Claudia anyway as she was distracted by both her own grief and her developing feelings for Rick Hunter. Even in her bleary state, Claudia could see something between the two officers. Something one was completely blind to and the other in firm denial. Lisa's infrequent visits suited Claudia just fine. Lisa didn't see the pill and alcohol bottles strewn across Claudia's quarters. She didn't see Claudia's fits of rage and sobs of bitterness and regret. Or when Claudia would drink and sedate herself into blissful oblivion to keep the memories of Roy from haunting her. It was better her best friend be spared these sights. Claudia carried her grief alone.
When she returned to work, no one would have guessed how self destructive Claudia was in her off hours. Her peers only noticed Claudia was understandably more subdued. It took a Herculean effort to go through the motions of her day to day. Claudia leaned back from her workstation and stretched her neck. She could feel eyes on her and she resented the pity. "Well! It's about time for a break!" she announced in a too bright voice that sounded brittle to her ears.
Lisa glanced over. "I may join you in a bit."
"Fine!" Claudia waved cheerfully as the hatch closed behind her, shutting out the inevitable concerned whispers of her crewmates. Claudia sighed deeply and dipped a hand into her jacket pocket. Her fingers brushed against a small flask, and she felt reassured. "Just need something extra to get me through the afternoon," she thought as she headed for the mess.
Fifteen minutes later Lisa stood hesitantly at the doorway leading from the mess to the observation deck. It took her a few moments to find Claudia seated at a table tucked away in a far corner. The grief her friend refused to allow to be seen by Lisa and the Bridge crew was now plainly visible on Claudia's beautiful features. Lisa's heart ached and she knew too well what her friend is feeling. "I've had that same look after Karl died," Lisa murmured and took a step in Claudia's direction. Lisa froze when she spied another familiar figure make his way to the lower observation deck in the opposite direction. His shuffling gait indicated Rick Hunter was still not fully recovered from his hospital stint. Lisa chewed the corner of her lip and changed direction, throwing a brief backward glance at the grieving woman seated at the corner table.
Claudia watched Lisa change direction and head toward the lower observation deck. She could easily guess Lisa's motive and let a half smile touch her lips. "All the luck to you, my friend." She reached into her pocket and discreetly poured a bit more whiskey into her already spiked coffee. Whiskey was Roy's go to, but Claudia never cared much for it until recently. Drinking it made her feel closer to him, and now felt she couldn't do without it. Claudia could finally see the appeal of the strong spirit and understood why Roy would reach for the whiskey, especially after a particularly hard skirmish. It blunted the harshness of war's reality nicely. Claudia sipped her cup and relished the warm burn. She knew she would have to double up on the Altoids before heading back to her post.