Warnings: Angst. Post purgatory, so spoilers i guess...
Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own Supernatural...
AN: Just something short I wrote after 'We need to talk about Kevin', supposed to be my cure for writes block... I'll try to work on demon heart now.
When Sam goes to bed Dean just sits there, unable to sleep. He remembers purgatory, and he's scared. But it's not purgatory that frightens him. It was raw, bloody, uncomfortable, but it was simple, and it was never frightening. He was always on edge, always alert, always in battle mode, but he was never scared.
Now he is. Because things are different, and he's not sure he knows the rules anymore, not sure he likes the rules. In a way he felt so much freer when he was imprisoned in monster-land, here the choices are too many, and yet they are unexciting. Maybe it's the morals here, he finds himself thinking through every choice he makes, because he just isn't sure anymore, it'll never be that simple again.
In purgatory the weight of the world didn't rest on his shoulders, actually, in purgatory he was responsible for no one but Cas, and it's not the same. There was no guilt there, because there was no point in dwelling on the past, and he couldn't, because he had to be there, awake, had to live in the now, because if he didn't there wouldn't be any living going on at all.
Being constantly on edge washed away the tiredness he'd been feeling so long, the hopelessness, it just melted away, when it was all action and no reflecting, no options, it just went away. He felt so alive, so full of energy, and now he's already starting to feel it, all the people he's responsible for, all the right and wrongs that are so intertwined and messy.
He remembers it being easy once, when he was younger, but he doesn't remember how he made it so. Everything feels pretend, everything feels faked. He reaches out to touch the lamp by the bed, runs his finger over smooth glass, just making sure it's there, but it doesn't change anything, the world is still… wrong, he's not going to make a bad Matrix reference, but that's almost what it feels like.
He feels outside everything else, like he isn't a part of it anymore, because he knows something different, something real. Something pure. Somewhere where he could be the purest he ever was, fighting for survival.
And he doesn't sleep, he can't, because nowhere is safe. That's just the way it is, they are always there, waiting in the shadows, and they always strikes while you least expect it. He knows they aren't here of course, but his body still won't sleep, still believes there's something coming any minute. It's probably his fault, he can't make himself relax, because for the first time in forever, he's really really scared.