The True Thoughts of a Chilton Schoolgirl
by Despondency_Sisters
a/n: This was written by Despondency Sister Number 2( glitter_girl0058). These are clips from Madeline's journal, which
the Despondency Sisters stole from her while she was powdering her nose....
January 14th
My party was last night. It was terrific, and Louise and I hung out with these two AMAZING guys, Brett and
Josh. The pains of friendship and broken hearts just disappeared when we laughed together. I am so truly happy. After leaving
Paris as the "French Soda Monitor" ( She had lots of fun), two crashers came up to me, and asked for Madeline. You
do not know the thrill of being able to say, "Oh that's me." And how their faces were lit up by that smile. I even forgot
about all the stress and pressure and the urge to take a gun... forget it. That's gone now.
And when I say amazing, it sure was...
March 18th
Sorry I've been so busy lately. But Brett is so great and I've been so caught up in him... Its terrific, the way
he looks at me, and its like I can't even hear Louise's annoying voice! Josh and Louise are also hitting it off too. But oh- I think
I'm falling in love. Really. I've never felt like this before and no one can make my knees liquid like Brett can. He's got a
Mustang, and he's ALWAYS telling me how the blue color matches my eyes. I think he's the one...
March 20th
I had to break a date with Brett because I felt queasy and nauseous today. I threw up in the morning and
went to the doctor. He didn't seem to care. Maybe I'm pregnant... by Brett? Could be. But that's a nasty thought, even more
nasty than me throwing up my breakfast. What if I am? What would happen? My whole world crashing down comes to mind.
I mean, I've got the perfect life. Or do I? That's what everyone always tells me. But then again, nothing ever is what it seems.
Never has that been more true in my life.
March 25th
Louise and I just bought a pregnancy test. I'm standing in the bathroom, about to know my fate
for the rest of my life, and all I can do is sit on the fuzzy toilet seat in my room and write in my journal. "Well?" an anxious
Louise calls from the other side of the door.
"Um, doesn't it say I have to wait a minute?"
"Thirty seconds." She replied, probably impatient. She's like that. I even get the illusion that- no I know that she
doesn't care about me. Not at all. I'm just a little popularity nub in her life, like she is in mine. We haven't even the
slightest liking of each other. The irony of it all. Sometimes I wonder why we're even friends. Sometimes I wonder why
I mess up my life by hanging out with people who annoy the heck out of me or rebelling when all I want to be is an angel.
But I tell myself, "No, Madeline. You've got the perfect life, remember?" Yeah right. I'm not perfect nor do I
want to be. At first, it was juvenile, 6th grade anger about how no one seems to care. Now, it seems like its more and more
devastating. Like a horrible disease, ready, but not quite about to, take its toll. Forever.
I'm looking at the test. No....
And I've done this really stupid thing, and if I hadn't done it...
If. If... If I hadn't done it,. I wouldn't be scared of facing the cruel, cruel world of people who pretend to care,
but don't. Who'll pretend to be disappointed and angry, but just use it as an excuse to throw me out of their lives forever and
lock me up in a tower, so no one can ever see me again.
And if.. If I hadn't fallen for Brett, would I be scared that he might turn on his heel and leave me behind if our
child is growing in my belly? Would I be scared that he doesn't love me and never did? Would I be scared that he'll just
wipe my existence out of his life forever?
But if... If someone cared, then I wouldn't be scared. I wouldn't be scared of the tiny being in my stomach.
But if someone cared, they'd be in this bathroom, right here crying with me. They'd be by my side when I was puking.
They'd rush out to the supermarket and buy anything I craved. They'd prop the pillow up when my ankles get swollen.
But no one's here. Figures.
I'm going to stand up and throw this stupid test out. I'm going to get off my butt and stop feeling sorry for
myself. I'm going to go out there and I'm not going to waver until I know for sure... if my life is going to be ruined or not.
April 3rd
I haven't gone to school all week. Not me. I'm afraid someone's going to notice I've been gaining weight. I tell my
mom, "Its just my stomach." She goes away, and doesn't bother me anymore. I'm not lying to her. It IS my stomach, just
in a more intense meaning than ever before.
The only person who knows is Louise. As soon as I walked out of the bathroom, she knew. She knows me
too well. Much too well. I'm afraid she's going to...
Is my whole life going to be: "I'm afraid!"?
That's what I'm afraid of.
April 5th
Desperation's taking over me. Louise comes after school every day and pounds on my door. "You have to see
a doctor!"
"Shut up! My mom might hear you!" I hiss at her.
Silence. Footsteps going down the steps and through the door. I hear her saying daintily, "Bye Mrs. Lowell!"
as if everything's just like it used to be.
Maybe's she right. Should I see a doctor? Look on the bright side. A blue-eyed baby might not be growing in my
stomach right now, and the doctor might confirm it. I wish.
April 6th
Mother made me go to school today. No use. I cut all of my classes and sobbed in the bathroom all morning.
Then, Brett was there when I heard the final bell ring and stepped out of the building. "Baby, what's wrong? You haven't
called all week!" he says. I ignore him, but he pulled me into the car.
"Something's wrong." he said.
"You're a smart one." I answered sarcastically.
"Look, just tell me." he persisted.
I didn't know what to tell him. So I lied. The one person who could have helped me- I lied to.
"My parents don't want us to see each other anymore."
"Oh."
So I left his car.
And then I was truly alone.
April 7th
Louise keeps bothering me in school. She wants me to see a doctor. Should I? Could be a good idea. But what
if- and I know I am, the doctor says I'm pregnant? He'd tell my mom, being the old-fashioned person he is.
I realize that my feelings don't matter much, as if my heart is cold, and it keeps on numbing. Pretty soon, it'll
be frozen. Louise tells me to see a doctor so I'll stop moping around and so my mom or Brett will take care of me, so
she won't have to. She keeps pestering me, but she doesn't really care. Not once has she asked me, " Are you OK?" or
"Are you feeling well?". Never.
I've got no friends. I thought I had a life. But sometimes lives deceive us like mine has deceived me. I find myself
constantly saying, silently, "Sorry, I forgot to run a brush through my hair or put on mascara and lip gloss today!!! That's
ok, you don't have to talk to me when I look like crap, but maybe that's because you're not pregnant and I am."
So now you know what my life is like. Paris doesn't even care. So I haven't been 'Miss Nice' to her since the
beginning of sophomore year, but- shouldn't she care, just a little bit? She hasn't even sent a disgusted look my way since
my party. I thought then, "It'll be the day when I plead silently for Paris to pay attention to me." Now all she does is hang
out with Rory Gilmore. Its more like they bicker and have fun. I want that. I want to pretend to fight and laugh and have
fun some more. I want to be a teenager, I have a right to be. I want everything to be normal. But its not. And it won't ever
be.
April 9th
Somehow Rory knows. What is she, the Ann Landers of Chilton? Everyone goes to her with their problems.
I guess Louise is just like the others... Paris, Tristan, everyone... when in need of a friend, call Rory Gilmore! How filthy
and cheesy. But I'm jealous. And the jealousy burns inside of me like a flame that no longer needs anyone or anything to
get bigger and to burn down everything. I'm jealous that she has everything and I have nothing.
So guess what? Rory wants me to go to the doctor too. I acted seriously bitchy but all she said was, "Its a
women's clinic."
"So?" I had asked.
"There's going to be teenage girls all over the place. And no one has to know."
"Really." It was a statement, not a question.
"Yes, really." she said earnestly. "I'll come with you." she offered.
Now I know why Rory's Messiah of Chilton. She's willing to take everyone in need under her wing, tend
to our pains and wounds and hurts, inside or out, and let us fly off, freely-never to talk to us again. Which is a good thing.
Some proud people... don't want to accept what's happened, or else they're just too embarassed, knowing they'll never
be able to repay her.
I'm afraid of being one of those people.
April 10th
We're going in today. I told my mom I was hanging out with Louise and she believed me. Shows how much she
knows or cares about me. But then again, I don't know much about myself either. All I know is that I'm deathly nervous.
April 11th
" I have never felt such misery as this." or something like that from English class. It doesn't matter now because
I'm being forced to drop out of school.
"You have an alternative." the doctor told me. "If you don't want to keep this baby, you may put it up for
adoption or abort it."
"Either way, you have to tell your mother and Brett." Rory put in.
"Brett's gone. He left."
"They're all like that." the doctor said. "But you have to tell him. He might want the baby."
"But I don't want the baby! I don't want to give birth! I wish this never happened!"
And that's truly how I feel.
April 12th
I've decided to tell my mother and Brett. Rory's coming for both of them. She's being a comforting mother, more
than a friend. So I'm going to tell them... and then abort this baby.
~To Be Continued~
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Any suggestions, ideas? Despondency Sister 2 might not continue, but it all depends on the number of reviews.
by Despondency_Sisters
a/n: This was written by Despondency Sister Number 2( glitter_girl0058). These are clips from Madeline's journal, which
the Despondency Sisters stole from her while she was powdering her nose....
January 14th
My party was last night. It was terrific, and Louise and I hung out with these two AMAZING guys, Brett and
Josh. The pains of friendship and broken hearts just disappeared when we laughed together. I am so truly happy. After leaving
Paris as the "French Soda Monitor" ( She had lots of fun), two crashers came up to me, and asked for Madeline. You
do not know the thrill of being able to say, "Oh that's me." And how their faces were lit up by that smile. I even forgot
about all the stress and pressure and the urge to take a gun... forget it. That's gone now.
And when I say amazing, it sure was...
March 18th
Sorry I've been so busy lately. But Brett is so great and I've been so caught up in him... Its terrific, the way
he looks at me, and its like I can't even hear Louise's annoying voice! Josh and Louise are also hitting it off too. But oh- I think
I'm falling in love. Really. I've never felt like this before and no one can make my knees liquid like Brett can. He's got a
Mustang, and he's ALWAYS telling me how the blue color matches my eyes. I think he's the one...
March 20th
I had to break a date with Brett because I felt queasy and nauseous today. I threw up in the morning and
went to the doctor. He didn't seem to care. Maybe I'm pregnant... by Brett? Could be. But that's a nasty thought, even more
nasty than me throwing up my breakfast. What if I am? What would happen? My whole world crashing down comes to mind.
I mean, I've got the perfect life. Or do I? That's what everyone always tells me. But then again, nothing ever is what it seems.
Never has that been more true in my life.
March 25th
Louise and I just bought a pregnancy test. I'm standing in the bathroom, about to know my fate
for the rest of my life, and all I can do is sit on the fuzzy toilet seat in my room and write in my journal. "Well?" an anxious
Louise calls from the other side of the door.
"Um, doesn't it say I have to wait a minute?"
"Thirty seconds." She replied, probably impatient. She's like that. I even get the illusion that- no I know that she
doesn't care about me. Not at all. I'm just a little popularity nub in her life, like she is in mine. We haven't even the
slightest liking of each other. The irony of it all. Sometimes I wonder why we're even friends. Sometimes I wonder why
I mess up my life by hanging out with people who annoy the heck out of me or rebelling when all I want to be is an angel.
But I tell myself, "No, Madeline. You've got the perfect life, remember?" Yeah right. I'm not perfect nor do I
want to be. At first, it was juvenile, 6th grade anger about how no one seems to care. Now, it seems like its more and more
devastating. Like a horrible disease, ready, but not quite about to, take its toll. Forever.
I'm looking at the test. No....
And I've done this really stupid thing, and if I hadn't done it...
If. If... If I hadn't done it,. I wouldn't be scared of facing the cruel, cruel world of people who pretend to care,
but don't. Who'll pretend to be disappointed and angry, but just use it as an excuse to throw me out of their lives forever and
lock me up in a tower, so no one can ever see me again.
And if.. If I hadn't fallen for Brett, would I be scared that he might turn on his heel and leave me behind if our
child is growing in my belly? Would I be scared that he doesn't love me and never did? Would I be scared that he'll just
wipe my existence out of his life forever?
But if... If someone cared, then I wouldn't be scared. I wouldn't be scared of the tiny being in my stomach.
But if someone cared, they'd be in this bathroom, right here crying with me. They'd be by my side when I was puking.
They'd rush out to the supermarket and buy anything I craved. They'd prop the pillow up when my ankles get swollen.
But no one's here. Figures.
I'm going to stand up and throw this stupid test out. I'm going to get off my butt and stop feeling sorry for
myself. I'm going to go out there and I'm not going to waver until I know for sure... if my life is going to be ruined or not.
April 3rd
I haven't gone to school all week. Not me. I'm afraid someone's going to notice I've been gaining weight. I tell my
mom, "Its just my stomach." She goes away, and doesn't bother me anymore. I'm not lying to her. It IS my stomach, just
in a more intense meaning than ever before.
The only person who knows is Louise. As soon as I walked out of the bathroom, she knew. She knows me
too well. Much too well. I'm afraid she's going to...
Is my whole life going to be: "I'm afraid!"?
That's what I'm afraid of.
April 5th
Desperation's taking over me. Louise comes after school every day and pounds on my door. "You have to see
a doctor!"
"Shut up! My mom might hear you!" I hiss at her.
Silence. Footsteps going down the steps and through the door. I hear her saying daintily, "Bye Mrs. Lowell!"
as if everything's just like it used to be.
Maybe's she right. Should I see a doctor? Look on the bright side. A blue-eyed baby might not be growing in my
stomach right now, and the doctor might confirm it. I wish.
April 6th
Mother made me go to school today. No use. I cut all of my classes and sobbed in the bathroom all morning.
Then, Brett was there when I heard the final bell ring and stepped out of the building. "Baby, what's wrong? You haven't
called all week!" he says. I ignore him, but he pulled me into the car.
"Something's wrong." he said.
"You're a smart one." I answered sarcastically.
"Look, just tell me." he persisted.
I didn't know what to tell him. So I lied. The one person who could have helped me- I lied to.
"My parents don't want us to see each other anymore."
"Oh."
So I left his car.
And then I was truly alone.
April 7th
Louise keeps bothering me in school. She wants me to see a doctor. Should I? Could be a good idea. But what
if- and I know I am, the doctor says I'm pregnant? He'd tell my mom, being the old-fashioned person he is.
I realize that my feelings don't matter much, as if my heart is cold, and it keeps on numbing. Pretty soon, it'll
be frozen. Louise tells me to see a doctor so I'll stop moping around and so my mom or Brett will take care of me, so
she won't have to. She keeps pestering me, but she doesn't really care. Not once has she asked me, " Are you OK?" or
"Are you feeling well?". Never.
I've got no friends. I thought I had a life. But sometimes lives deceive us like mine has deceived me. I find myself
constantly saying, silently, "Sorry, I forgot to run a brush through my hair or put on mascara and lip gloss today!!! That's
ok, you don't have to talk to me when I look like crap, but maybe that's because you're not pregnant and I am."
So now you know what my life is like. Paris doesn't even care. So I haven't been 'Miss Nice' to her since the
beginning of sophomore year, but- shouldn't she care, just a little bit? She hasn't even sent a disgusted look my way since
my party. I thought then, "It'll be the day when I plead silently for Paris to pay attention to me." Now all she does is hang
out with Rory Gilmore. Its more like they bicker and have fun. I want that. I want to pretend to fight and laugh and have
fun some more. I want to be a teenager, I have a right to be. I want everything to be normal. But its not. And it won't ever
be.
April 9th
Somehow Rory knows. What is she, the Ann Landers of Chilton? Everyone goes to her with their problems.
I guess Louise is just like the others... Paris, Tristan, everyone... when in need of a friend, call Rory Gilmore! How filthy
and cheesy. But I'm jealous. And the jealousy burns inside of me like a flame that no longer needs anyone or anything to
get bigger and to burn down everything. I'm jealous that she has everything and I have nothing.
So guess what? Rory wants me to go to the doctor too. I acted seriously bitchy but all she said was, "Its a
women's clinic."
"So?" I had asked.
"There's going to be teenage girls all over the place. And no one has to know."
"Really." It was a statement, not a question.
"Yes, really." she said earnestly. "I'll come with you." she offered.
Now I know why Rory's Messiah of Chilton. She's willing to take everyone in need under her wing, tend
to our pains and wounds and hurts, inside or out, and let us fly off, freely-never to talk to us again. Which is a good thing.
Some proud people... don't want to accept what's happened, or else they're just too embarassed, knowing they'll never
be able to repay her.
I'm afraid of being one of those people.
April 10th
We're going in today. I told my mom I was hanging out with Louise and she believed me. Shows how much she
knows or cares about me. But then again, I don't know much about myself either. All I know is that I'm deathly nervous.
April 11th
" I have never felt such misery as this." or something like that from English class. It doesn't matter now because
I'm being forced to drop out of school.
"You have an alternative." the doctor told me. "If you don't want to keep this baby, you may put it up for
adoption or abort it."
"Either way, you have to tell your mother and Brett." Rory put in.
"Brett's gone. He left."
"They're all like that." the doctor said. "But you have to tell him. He might want the baby."
"But I don't want the baby! I don't want to give birth! I wish this never happened!"
And that's truly how I feel.
April 12th
I've decided to tell my mother and Brett. Rory's coming for both of them. She's being a comforting mother, more
than a friend. So I'm going to tell them... and then abort this baby.
~To Be Continued~
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Any suggestions, ideas? Despondency Sister 2 might not continue, but it all depends on the number of reviews.