As I'm getting ready for bed, through the Morgan door I hear Chuck in the courtyard. Listening for a moment I realize he's talking to Ellie about the "babymoon", which of course pulls my thoughts right back towards the conversations that Chuck and I have shared the past several days. For a moment I allow myself to imagine that it's Chuck and me with the need to take a babymoon, imagine myself pregnant, think about what chuck would be like through the experience. He would be amazing; he always is, supportive and patient with my relationship neuroses.
Unbidden the image of Chuck down on one knee in castle returns to the forefront of my mind, truth be told it hasn't been far from forefront since the event itself. Shock was of course my first reaction followed quickly by fear and an irrational urge to get the hell out of there, but I managed to suppress it, something that's becoming easier and easier the longer I spend with Chuck, letting him in. Yet once those first seconds passed, an undeniable surge of hope and happiness fought forward even as my rational mind knew that it wasn't an actual proposal. Not that I doubt Chuck will propose, but I know instinctually that Chuck will make his proposal special and meaningful for us, it's just the way he is.
But when that day comes, as it inevitably will, what will my answer be? I love Chuck, but all I've ever known is deception and survival, could I overcome that conditioning? Certainly Chuck deserves better than my neurotic and semi-paranoid tendencies; does that mean that I should give him up to ensure that he has a chance for at least some more societal version of normal? Immediately after thinking this I discard it. Chuck has become a part of me, he's the other, better half of my heart and soul, I couldn't give him up if there was any part of him that still loved me, because to lose Chuck would break me. He holds my heart and I need him near me to continue to function. These thoughts give me my answer, I love Chuck Bartowski, always and forever and when he asks me to marry him I will say yes. I don't know how to tell him this, especially since I most likely freaked him out in castle while we were analyzing the pictures from Costa Gravas.
As I've been thinking chuck has long since entered the apartment and gotten ready for bed. Tonight was a predesignated silent night, so he gives me a lingering kiss followed by a soft smile and whisper of "goodnight Sarah" and rolls over to sleep. Unfortunately I'm still wide awake and could do w/ some of Chuck's cuddling to calm my active mind, and then I remember something Chuck said earlier, about talking to your partner while their asleep. As much as I disparaged it at the time, now it seems like an ok idea.
As I check to see if he's awake, "are you awake?", "can you hear me Chuck?", I ponder what to say and decide to go with simple as the best method. "I love you chuck. And nothings ever going to change that. And if you asked me for real, then my answer…would be yes." Remarkably, I do feel better and although Chuck didn't hear me, I know that I can show him that I'll be ready whenever he is, because I do love him, and I couldn't imagine a future for myself in which Chuck Bartowski didn't feature prominently by my side.