Author's Note: This was written after reading the Chronicles of Narnia, when I had this story going round and round in my head. In the end I took a couple of days off revision to write it. It is not copyrighted. Copy it, quote it, pass it on to your friends as you please. I don't mind
In this update I have made some small edits to wording and added a little bit more about Eustace in Chapter 2 – not a major update! This will probably be the last update, it feels finished now.
The whole upper half of her body was racked with sobs as she finally let it all out. Her eyes were stinging, her head ached and the pillow was sodden, but still she shook with choked cries, trying desperately not to be too loud. She told herself that she wanted to be strong for Edmund, for although he seemed to be taking it so well, he must be struggling like her. But if she was honest, she was too proud to let the others know that she had been crying. None of the others had been this bad.
It was now two weeks since Aslan had sent them home for good, never to return to the world of Narnia, which she so loved. It had been the same as the other times at first; they had talked long into the night of their adventures, and shared all their favourite memories of the Dawn Treader. Everything was different and better than it had been before they went - nobody could miss the change in Eustace! Now the three of them did everything together, and she didn't even mind that they had to stay in Cambridge for a while longer. She would miss Eustace when they left.
But none of that could make up for the terrible pain in her chest that was wrought when it sunk in that they would never return to Narnia. For the last week it had been a dull ache, but tonight it had come to the surface and she could not bear it. Never seeing the sun rising over the gleaming Eastern Ocean. Never dancing with the fauns and satyrs in moonlit glades. Never seeing Aslan.
At last the tears ceased and the quiet sadness that follows enshrouded her. Too exhausted to move she shut her eyes. As sleep drifted over her, it was as if a faint voice whispered in her ear, "By knowing me here for a little, you may know me there better."
Lucy was a little late to breakfast and was scolded by Aunt Alberta, which was quite a common occurrence so it didn't really matter, but when Edmund said, "Morning Lu," and Lucy only smiled (and rather poorly at that), Edmund and Eustace exchanged worried glances over the table. Eustace, who was still rather new to the idea of other people having feelings, decided to follow Edmund's lead, and Edmund, who was very hungry, decided to let it wait till after breakfast. Thus, with Uncle Harold reading his newspaper, and Aunt Alberta making a shopping list, it was an almost entirely silent breakfast, which relieved Lucy as she was afraid that talking would give her away. As people foolishly do sometimes, she was hoping that no one would notice anything wrong with her, so that she wouldn't have to talk about it.
"It's a lovely day, and you two haven't seen Pembroke yet and it's beautiful this time of year," said Eustace after they had finished eating, "How about it?"
"I'm game. Lucy?" said Edmund.
"OK," was the best she could manage.
Pembroke College (to which Eustace was referring) is one of the colleges comprising the famous university and is indeed a beautiful college. However, it has the added benefit, that it can be entered free of charge in groups of less than six, and when you are living on pocket money, this is a very favourable asset. So it was that the three of them trooped out of the Scrubb house on Jesus Green, down King's Parade and to Pembroke, which is a beautifully picturesque walk especially on a sunny day like that day, but Lucy was still covered by gloom and did not even notice it.
After they had walked round the college, they looked inside the chapel, which Eustace assured them, was built by Christopher Wren. Although he had started reading a fantasy novel which Edmund had lent him, and was thoroughly enjoying it, his head was still stuffed full of useless information from the books he had previously read, and although he tried his hardest not to, he still enjoyed knowing things that other people didn't.
Finally, Edmund plucked up the courage to ask, "What's wrong Lu?"
"Nothing," she replied a little sharply, and turned away, annoyed that they had seen through her when she had been trying so hard.
"There is something wrong," said Eustace rather bluntly, "You haven't been yourself all morning."
At this, all of the pressure she had put on herself to hide all her emotion got released, and she said something very unqueenlike, "It's alright for you. You probably will be going back to Narnia from what Aslan said. But Ed and I are never going back and I will never see the woods and fields of Narnia again, never see all those people I love and never see Him." Then she burst into tears.
Edmund did the two most sensible things he could have done in that situation. He put his arm round Lucy and silently cried out for help, 'Aslan, you said you would meet us in this world too. Please come and meet Lucy, she needs you.'
When Lucy stopped crying she found herself sitting on one of the benches on the chapel with Edmund and Eustace on either side of her. They sat there for a long time, no one speaking a word. Lucy, with her bowed head, could not help noticing the light through the stained glass windows making strange coloured patterns on the floor. As she stared at this her pain was gently lifted until she sat there letting the peace of the very old building soak through her. Although Lucy knew that the battle in her mind was far from over, the quietness of the place gave her rest for the time being, and she was almost happy.
Eventually Lucy knew that they had to go soon, and that neither of the other two were going to be the ones to suggest it. So putting on her bravest smile, which took a lot of effort, she stood up and said, "How about heading home for lunch?" So they did.
"What is it like for you, knowing that you will never go back?" asked Eustace that night.
Edmund had shared Eustace's room since the Pevensies had come to stay. Originally this had been unpleasant for both, but since the adventure in Narnia they had come to enjoy the arrangement as it allowed them a lot of time every night to talk and reminisce about dragons and islands and the edge of the world and the suchlike. Sometimes Lucy would sneak into their room and join them and then these conversations would go on for hours, as there was so much to talk about and so little time with no one else around when they could do the talking. But this night Lucy stayed in her room, and it was just the two boys.
Edmund was silent for a long time, before speaking very quietly, "We were there for years the first time. Longer than we have been in this world. For all of us it was hard to return to our ordinary life here, and for Lucy the hardest of all. She had to go from being an adult to being nine again, and what made it worse was that she loved it there more than any of us. I mean we all loved it, but for her it was somehow the place where she belonged in a way that it never was for the rest of us."
Eustace nodded, he could see that Lucy felt some things far more deeply than himself or Edmund. After a pause, Edmund realised that he had spoken the thoughts in his head, but hadn't answered Eustace's question, "I will be sad never to see Narnia, but I know that I can live in this world and be happy. And didn't Aslan say that there was a way into His country from this world as well. I daresay when I talk to the Professor about that, he will have something to say about it. Searching for it won't be an adventure in the way that an adventure in Narnia is, but I am sure it will be an adventure of a sort and exciting in its own way."
"She was so happy," mused Eustace after another pause, "Always laughing and cheerful, bringing joy wherever she went. She seems to have lost that. I say Ed, you don't think she'll fade and lose her joy without going back to Narnia, I mean…"
"Don't even say that," cried Edmund, more angrily than he meant, for he was worried about the same thing. After that the conversation stopped, and Edmund found himself crying out to Aslan again, 'Please don't let her lose her joy. Please don't let her lose her valiance.'