The Goodbye That's The Hardest
The goodbye we never saw …
Keith waited patiently outside of Red's hanger. He leaned against the large metal-like door, fidgeting with the Bayard that used to be for his Lion. Just thinking about that made Keith's stomach churn. Keith didn't want this. He didn't want to lead, or to pilot the Black Lion. He never wanted this.
He never wanted this, because it meant he had to let go of Red.
Red. His last connection to Earth, his last connection to Shiro, and his last 'safe place' was just severed from him in a swift motion. It felt like he was just chucked into deep space with no air. The only time he ever felt like this was finding out the space station had lost signal to those on the Kerberos mission. That was the first time he lost Shiro.
The weight that is compressing his chest doubled. Back then, he only had to take care of himself, figure out what he felt and act on his impulses. If things went wrong, he was the only one who would suffer. But, this time it was different.
Now, he felt like the whole universe was on his shoulders, and he was not ready for it. Now, everyone was looking to him for guidance when he himself was lost. Now, he had to pull himself together when all he wanted to do was to fall apart.
He lost his brother AGAIN. He lost Shiro, the only person in this whole universe who he saw as family. When Shiro disappeared, he lost his home. The cockpit still felt like Shiro was there. Maybe it was an aura, as Hunk called it. He lost his safety and it felt like now, the true extent of the war unfolded on top of him. Keith felt his eyes prickle. He lost Shiro and now, he had to lose Red.
Keith's heart broke at the thought. He couldn't bring himself to look at Red.
Red was the only one who he truly felt was like him. They were kindred spirits, fire with fire. They understood each other, had each other's back. Keith and Red thought so similarly, it was just so natural. Often, Red would just move with a mere thought from Keith's mind.
Losing Red, in short, was like losing a part of Keith. The part that was still the loner from Earth who followed his home into a war that held the fate of the universe in the balance.
Keith felt the tears drip down his face. He hurriedly wiped his eyes. You don't have the luxury of breaking down now, Kurogane! As he was wiping his face, his eyes shifted to see Red … with his barrier up. The only other time he even saw Red with his barrier up was the first time they met. It's meeee, KEEEEITH! Your, I AM YOUR PALADIN! Keith couldn't help but smirk at that memory. The momentary happiness was soon shrouded as he realized why Red's barrier was up. Horror etched itself onto Keith's face, as he comes to the conclusion. On the Galran ship, enemies surrounded Red. To keep them away from Red, he put up his barrier.
There was no one else but Keith near Red.
Red was blocking himself from Keith.
The tears tumbled out in silence. Keith's hand was burning from clutching the bayard. He was honestly so surprised it hadn't broke.
Keith just didn't know if he could take it. He lost Shiro. He lost his home. Now, his previous lion hated him! That's the only reason Keith could conclude to.
"Silly cub, I could never hate you!" The voice was faint, but it was Red. Keith could recognise the ever-present fiery presence in his mind anywhere. A part of him ached because Red was so faint in his mind, yet another reminder.
"If you don't hate me, why are you shutting me out?" Keith asked out loud, not trusting his bond to get the message across.
"If I don't, I don't think I would be able to let you go." Keith's heart stopped. He felt Red's sadness and embarrassment emitting from their small bond. Like Keith, Red wasn't exactly good at opening up about his feelings. Instead, he shows his feelings though his protective and aggressive nature. Just thinking about Red made Keith remember the moments after the Blades joined the paladins on the Castle.
"My cub, I sense your distress and shame." Red stated, keeping his tone neutral.
Keith then told him what happened in the Blade's Headquarters. "I saw my dad, it's been years since he died and yet, there he was. I almost got answers about my mother too, until you pulled me out of it."
Red sent a signal of guilt. Keith affectionately patted his controls. "Hey, you couldn't have known." Keith paused, hesitate about asking his next question. "Why did you attack the HQ?"
Red was silent and he worked out how to respond. Finally, Red spoke. "I felt you in pain. They were hurting you. I couldn't bear it any longer."
Keith felt remnants of pain still in Red.
"You're still in pain, Red. What's wrong?"
"I know you're part Galran." Keith's heart sank. He knew what was coming up.
"Is this the part where you ask for Allura to be your Paladin?"
Red's presence dominated Keith's mind, flames burning in fury. "I'D RATHER HAVE THE QUIZNACKING BLUE CUB THAN HER AS MY PALADIN!" Keith shivered. Red had never been this angry. Usually, his anger was just mild annoyance, mostly at Blue and Lance. But, this was pure rage.
"She's hurting you. We save her from Zarkon and she is STILL hurting you!" Red was this angry for him? "Alfor would have NEVER cared about your blood! I don't, the others shouldn't either!" Red's presence, realising what he had just said, froze. The flames in Keith's mind stopped dancing in fury. They were now like ice.
"You really don't care?" Keith asked, voice quiet with anticipation for the answer.
Red sighed. "You are my cub. Your blood doesn't matter to me. You are going to be my cub, end of discussion." Keith's affection for Red sky rocketed. Even when everyone else seemed to see him as a monster, Red was fighting for him. He tapped Red affectionately, stroking his controls.
"I just needed someone to say that, thank you Red."
"Did you know Black wanted me to be her Paladin?" Keith asked, fully facing Red.
"Yes." Red knew, all right. He'd known from the moment Black let Keith pilot her to save Shiro. That night, unbeknownst to the paladins, the lions had argued furiously.
"You know the Red cub is second in command. Even my cub knows this."
"Why? The Blue cub is more analytical and enough to command. Plus he would want to! Why are you taking my cub away?" Red growled. Not even Blue could calm him down as she usually did.
"Because he would be perfect with you." Black responded. Blue leaned in more into the conversation. "Sister, what?" Blue was getting just as annoyed as Red was. She too had grown attached to her cub.
"Blue cub can calm Red and Red cub, focus them and make them pause to think. Red cub can easily stay calm in any situation though he lets his passions guide him too much. Red can also inspire Blue cub to go even further than he thought." Black stated it as if it was a fact.
"Why can't Alfor's cub become Red's paladin?" If Red could, he would have whacked Blue with his paw for even suggesting that.
"After the way she treated my cub, there's no quiznacking way she's becoming my paladin!" Red growled. Black scoffed at her brother's anger.
"Besides, you two aren't compatible. Blue, on the other hand, can handle her."
Blue shuddered at the thought of letting go of Lance, Red didn't want to let go of Keith. But, deep inside, he knew Black was right. Keith and him had the same eagerness and that got them into more trouble than Red's pride would allow him to admit.
If it did happen, the blue cub might be a good match for him.
Might being the important word.
Red shifted back into the present. Keith looked so lost. Red knew the feeling. He too noticed how effective Blue Cub, no Lance, was at guiding Keith out of the mess from heading in without thinking things through. But, their bond wasn't the same. Lance was still missing Blue, Red was missing Keith. This was so difficult. Red could only compare this pain to losing Alfor all those vargas ago. Losing a cub was never easy. Losing him to death was hard enough, but to another lion? Red's heart almost burst with anger and hurt and … "You feel betrayed by Black, don't you?" Keith's voice rang into Red's ears as Keith spoke the words Red was too afraid to say.
"Yes. I felt betrayed by Black. She listened to her cub instead of us, her fellow lions. Now, both Blue and I are paying the consequences." As he admitted this, the weight of his consciousness elevated. Red noticed the inner turmoil in Keith. He looked calm as he stood still, facing down through the barrier. However, Red knew Keith better than that.
He noticed how tense his shoulders were and how he was finally looking up through his head was tilted down.
"You feel betrayed too, don't you?"
Keith nodded, fully looking at Red. His eyes were stinging with unshed tears. Black didn't betray him. He is more or less betrayed by … everyone else. Shiro was gone God knows where, Lance was in his old Lion; Red let him go, Black let him in. Everyone wanted a leader from him, yet he wants to be Keith. And judging by his first mission as leader, Lance was better as a leader! That tore at Keith. He wanted to honour Shiro's wish but it was so hard.
"I just think Black wants me to be Shiro. He was perfect for her, I was perfect for you. Lance was perfect with Blue. "
Red couldn't stop the laughs.
"Keith, the reason why we were so 'perfect' is because we were so similar in attitude. We both went in without thinking. We weren't perfect, we were similar." Red noticed this during his first battle with Lance. It felt more … balanced. Lance's analytical mind-set actually blended more with Red's brash nature. Allura and Blue was already bonding at a fast pace. Maybe that was the problem.
"Is the reason for your distress that whilst Blue and Alfor's cub have bonded as well as Blue's old cub and I have started to bond, you haven't adjusted?"
Keith nodded, a new stream dripped down his face. It just … made things so much more official to him. The team seemed to move on like this was always the order things were meant to be in. It was almost like … "It feels like everyone else has forgotten Shiro. He's still out there, I know it." Keith never voiced these thoughts to the others, but they were so strong they threatened to consume him. He couldn't shake it out of his head that Shiro was out there. Probably fighting for his life. And what was Keith doing? He was just replacing him, acting like nothing ever happened. It didn't sit right to be in that seat, giving out commands and being some sort of patron of hope.
"Then, go." Red's voice carried Keith out of his thoughts.
"Bring the Black Cub home. Find him and bring him home, then return to me. " Red's voice was smooth, but wavering near the end. Keith knew Red was severing their connection. He had to be quick, say what he wanted to say.
"Thank you Red. I won't let you down."
The last words Red echoed in his mind were simply "I know, Black Paladin of Voltron." Then, his presence was gone. It was like Keith was staring at a complete stranger.
No, Red was never going to be a stranger. He was a part of Voltron. Keith stared at the black bayard attached to his hip. Red was just as much of Voltron as Keith was.
Keith felt the burden lifted slightly. Airing out the problems he had really did help. It was only after his bond was broken that he realized he was truly the black paladin. Twenty minutes ago, that would've terrified him. But now, he knew where he stood with Red. Red cared about him, but like Keith, he had to let go. The relief that brought was palpable. He needed to break from Red in order to move on.
Keith no longer had the luxury of breaking down. If Shiro was out there, he had to bond with Black to use their shared connection to bring his brother home. And when he needed to, Keith will live up to Shiro's name and be the leader of Voltron.
"Keith?" Lance asked, walking into the hanger. Keith quickly wiped his face clean.
"Hey, Lance. I was just waiting for you to give you this." Keith handed Lance the red bayard. Lance noticed Keith's streaked face but a quick look at Red gave Lance the answer. Like Keith, Lance had just said goodbye to Blue and also cried as his connection to her was severed.
Lance decided not to pry and took the bayard.
"I'll take care of him for you." Lance said seriously.
"I know you will. If anyone else had to be Red's paladin, it was you." Keith walked away from the hanger, taking one last look at Red.
Keith walked straight to the Black hanger. He suddenly had a new perspective. Before, Black loomed over him like a gigantic weight. Now, he saw her as an ally, an ally he was going to need to bond with more.
"Hey Black. We've got work to do."
Black immediately opened her mouth. Keith smiled, stepping in,for the first time feeling, as The Black Paladin of Voltron.