The morning sun hadn't yet risen and the air was cool and crisp. I exhaled and saw my breath dance before me as I ran a hand lazily through it. I sat on the cold concrete ground over looking the city. Street lamps still glowed, almost like small suns illuminating the nearly empty streets. A silence hung among the roads as my eyes traced the sign above me, advertising a 24-hour mini-mart. I looked away, when a tear unexpectedly made its way down my cheek. Morning dew was beginning to melt and I decided to get up. Taking one last glance, my legs began pumping, carrying me throughout my neighborhood.
If it had been a month ago, I might have fainted at the sight of the red firehouse I passed as I continued my run. But instead, I moved forward without even giving the boys that lived there much of a thought. Then, my jog quickly turned into a run and it was moments like these, moments where I was just so full of the things that hurt the most, that I wished I could run fast enough to fly.
To be honest, I hadn't been at school since my father's death. I hadn't picked up a baseball bat, a volleyball, or even a basketball in a long while. At first my fingers itched to be throwing something, hitting something. But I couldn't go near the fields, it had been our thing; it just hurt too much.
If anything could be seen as good coming out of this situation, it would be that FanGirl Macy really didn't exist anymore. Yeah, JONAS posters covered my walls and memorabilia littered the floors. But that unexplainable thrill I got whenever I stood near one of them, slowly disappeared. This was the first thing I realized when I saw the four of them, Stella and the brothers, upon entering Horace Mantis on my return to reality. I made my way to them where I was met with the solemn face of Kevin Lucas. He smiled at me suddenly, a slow upturn at the corners of his mouth, kind of uneasy and unsure. But because he was Kevin, it was a genuine gesture that reached his eyes. Instead of squealing as usual, I mustered up a small grin because he was trying to make me feel better and honestly, it kind of did. There was an odd, unusual silence among us until something clicked in the youngest brother's mind and his smooth voice broke through my hazy mind.
"Hey Macy, it's really nice to see you back." A slow murmur of agreement around our group registered itself in my brain. No one said anything, probably relieved Nick took it upon himself to greet me. "Yeah, it's nice to be out of my house. It's, it's good to be back." My voice really couldn't have been much above a whisper, but they all heard me. A look passed between the curly haired boy and Stella. I heard her intake of breath and she turned toward me. "So Mace, Van Dyke is having this party on Friday. And well, we all thought it'd be a good way to get your mind off..certain things." I looked at her, my lip quivered at the mention of it, but I promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore. I opened my mouth, unsure of what to say, but Stella beat me to it. "But if it's too soon, then don't even worry about it, hun. Take however long you need okay. Just know we're all here for you."
Just as my best friend finished, the bell rang and with final smiles from everyone, we parted ways. I stood there, still unsure of what to make of this offer, because it was too soon, right?
My feet hit the pavement as I walked to my car after school and I pushed my dark glasses further up my face. My hands dug themselves into my pockets as my mind raced. It had been two weeks since "the incident" and I could still feel the hole in my heart as apparent as it had been the first day. My mother's emotionless face retelling me the news played itself inside my head. It was usually about this time that my vision blurred and a lump began forming in my throat. I quickly entered my car, pulled out the mirror in the visor above me, and looked at myself. I saw a blank face, skin so pale and ashen, blood shot eyes. My hands started shaking and I suppressed the shriek of frustration that was building in my chest. It shouldn't be this hard. But I knew how big of a lie that was.
My father was my everything. My best friend, my protector.
He was in a better place though. And I know it's selfish, but I wanted that "better place" to be here with me. Stupid drunk drivers.
Silently fuming and clenching my steering wheel, a small rap at my window knocked me out of my mind. Turning I was met with the bright eyes of Joe Lucas who wore an easy smile. He pointed his finger down signaling me to roll down the glass that separated us. Once I did, he still hadn't said anything so I began our conversation.
"Hey Joe." My voice seemed to bring him to life and he let out a airy laugh. "Hey Mace. Sooo, about earlier, are you gonna go to this party?"
Of all the things I thought he would say to me, this wasn't it. And I hadn't really thought about the answer to this question. But now here it was, staring at me right in the face. And I know my dad, he'd want me to be happy and move on. But what if it was too soon, what if happiness for me was curling up in his too big sweatshirts and watching old home movies. I wanted to say yes, I really really did. But I couldn't. There was something inside me that just wouldn't let me agree to this.
I was about to tell Joe no, in fact my mouth had already formed itself around the word. But meeting his expectant, hazel eyes and inviting grin, I really couldn't say it.
"Yeah Joe, I will. I think it'll be fun." His smile grew, fully encompassing his face and left with nothing but a "great."
Hopefully it would be.