A/N: Edward's thoughts on leaving Bella. A songfic to Kutless's Better For You. Hope you like. Please review.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the song (Better For You, by Kutless) BUT I OWN THE CHARACTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
... not. *starts sobbing* They're SMeyers ,,, but I'd love to have them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOTE: the first bit is from New Moon, but Edward's POV, and it skips over a few bits, because I couldn't be bothered to type it all.
I took a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for what I knew I must say.
"Bella, we're leaving..."
"When you say 'we'-" she whispered, her expressive, brown eyes agonised..
"I mean my family and myself." I made myself say it coldly, clearly. I hated myself for this even more; I was already a monster, and look at how much pain I was causing her now.
"Don't be ridiculous." She snapped, looking like an angry, innocent kitten trying to be a strong tiger. She was obviously upset, and all I wanted to do was gather her in my arms, be selfish, and tell her I loved her and that of course I wouldn't leave. I fought my emotions with my rational thoughts. "You're the very best part of my life," she finished, her voice breaking at the end. She bit her lip, trying so hard not to cry.
"My world is not for you," I said, trying to make myself sound emotionless, firm.
Her liquid brown eyes were full of tears, one threatening to overflow at the corner of her eye. She straightened herself unconsciously, steeling herself to argue. "You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"
"As long as that was best for you," I stopped her so that I didn't hear the rest of her pleas, it hurt enough as it was.
"NO! This is about my soul, isn't it!" she shouted, looking absolutely heart-broken and furious. A tear overflowed at the end of her words, and it was all I could do not to reach up and gently wipe it away. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you- it's yours already!" She screamed at me. Tears were now freely flowing down her face, and I felt my stone heart crack. It was like a weight in my chest, and I knew that if I spoke now, I would lose it, I would be unable to do this.
I took a deep breath and stared, unseeingly, at the ground for a long moment, knowing what I had to do. Trying to steel myself for what blasphemy I had to say, what words I had to say to protect her. My thoughts were spinning faster than any human could comprehend.
My decision can not be put off again
I see the right choice but my heart is filled with dread
It all seems backwards in my head, my head
My stone heart was like lead in my chest, if it could beat, it would be beating at the speed of light. I knew that I must do this, for Bella's sake, I must not be selfish. I knew that I must leave her so that she could live a normal human life and be happy. I could not let my own selfishness and greed kill her.
It had been to close, last time- on her eighteenth birthday. No. That could never happen again.
I know it seems too wrong to be right
This way is so much harder to fight
But in the end I know it is true
This way is better, it's better for you
My unbeating, dead heart fought against this choice. I had finally found true love, after decades of looking, and now I was leaving it? Ridiculous, one side of me scoffed. Stop being an idiot, Edward, and enjoy life.
I shut that small but strong voice down instantly. It was so persistant, sounding exactly like Alice when I had told her my plan. I could not be selfish any longer. The concept of leaving Bella was agonising, horrifying, so hard. But I knew that leaving her would ensure her a safe, human life. I knew it was better for her, no matter what she thought now. Humans aged, humans grew, their memories faded. She would forget me, one day, I told myself. The idea brought about an intense pain.
Choose a little pain and gain a life with joy
Accepting pleasure now will earn a life of pain
It all seems backwards in my head, my head
I knew that I would never, ever forget Bella, no matter how long I lived. But I would do anything for her to be happy. My pain would give her a safe life. A human life.
If I didn't give her up, if I took her selfishly to be my own, I knew that one day, she would be changed. Whether it be from a sadistic vampire trying to kill her, her extreme clumsiness causing her to bleed at exactly the wrong time, my own control lost or her finally convincing Alice, I knew it would happen.
And that would be wrong. Oh, so wrong, to take away her sweet life. I winced as I remembered my own transformation- 3 days of agony. And then the thirst. The blood thirst that made me want to suck any human I met dry.
I could never inflict that sort of pain on Bella. My Bella.
I know it seems too wrong to be right
This way is so much harder to fight
But in the end I know it is true
This way is better
It's better for you, for you
Better for her. Better for her. It had to be, it must be. This way, she could keep her soul, she could marry a nice, warm human and have children. Mini Bellas. I couldn't help quirking up the corner of my mouth at the thought, and for a moment, I dreamed.
I dreamed that I was human. Bella was still mine, and after we had been to college, I married her. And we had children. Small Bellas. And Bella was happy. Having a normal human life... that I could never give her, no matter how much I wanted to.
I shook myself back to the present matter. I could never give her anything even remotely similar to that dream, but there were lots of humans out there who could.
And I knew, for this, that I had to shove away my selfishness, and give Bella up.
Sometimes I wonder why it's this way
When it's done the burden is gone
This discomfort will be taken away
As soon as it's over, it's over for me
I knew the decision would affect me badly, and that I would never be able to forget my one love.
But for her, for her future, I must be unselfish and shove these desires away.
Better for her. Safer for her. Her happiness ensured.
I know it seems too wrong to be right
This way is so much harder to fight
But in the end I know it is true
This way is better
It's better for you, for you
I must do this. Time would fade her memories, like it never did to mine.
But I would take the pain, any pain, so that she could live her life in peace.
This way, this leaving, would be better for her. I knew it. In two, three years, she would have forgotten me completely. She would have a boyfriend, maybe be married, maybe have children.
I clenched my teeth at the thought of Bella and someone else, but I knew the decision: my pain for her happiness and safety or my pleasure for her pain and loss of soul.
I knew which one I was going to chose. It was inevitable; my pain for her happiness and safety.
She thought she was hurting now, but she would forget.
This way is better for her, that I was positive of.
My thinking over in mere seconds, I felt the corner of my mouth go down, knowing that the time had come- I had to lie.
I froze my face in a blank expression.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I forced myself to speak coldly, to sound convincing. This lie was killing me inside, if my nonexistant heart had been cracking a little bit before, it was now fully shattered.
I could see her repeating those horrible words over and over in her head, trying to understand.
Her eyes filled up and I could tell that she believed those lies. Oh Bella. How could you believe the lies so easily and yet doubt the truth?
"You... don't... want me?" her voice was uncertain, faltering.
"No." My voice was quiet, but it sounded loud in the silent forest.
I could feel her eyes on me, and I pictured them in my head. Hurt, confused, uncomprehending- stop it, Edward. You know that this is better for her.
The pause went on and on, and all I wanted to do was to take back my lies. But for her sake, I wouldn't. For her sake, I would pretend.
"Well, that changes things." Her voice sounded calm. I was shocked by this, and looked at her.
And I knew she was hiding her pain. I could see it in her eyes. She was trying to be brave... a little lamb, after the lion had cruelly hurt it.
No. I forced myself to stop, knowing that if I continued down this thought train, I wouldn't have the resolve to go along with my plan.
I dragged my eyes away from her, and stared into the dark trees. "Of course, I'll always love you..." I suddenly realised that I was only going to make this harder by saying this- a clean break-, and quickly backtracked. "In a way. But what happened th other night made me realise that it's time for a change." I lied fluently, knowing that she believed every single word. Monster. "Because I'm... tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella." I almost lost it by saying her name, but I caught myself quickly. "I am not human." I finished, despair flowing through me at these horrible words.
"Don't," her voice was a cracked, hoarse whisper. Her tears had stopped, but I could see her emotions, threatening to explode. "Don't do this," her second whisper almost made me stop.
Better for her, better for her, I chanted in my head.
I couldn't stop myself from staring back at her, and whatever she saw in my expression must have hurt. Fresh pain exploded into her eyes and I broke the connection quickly. Now for the worst lie.
"You're not good for me, Bella," I knew that she couldn't argue against this. It was the other way around, and I wanted to tell her all this, to show her my thoughts- a clean break is better. No, Edward.
She opened her mouth and no words came out. I waited, trying not to lose it.
She tried again. "If... that's what you want."
NO! I wanted to roar, and take back my earlier words. I want you, Bella!
Instead, I nodded once. And thought of something that I could do to ensure her safety when I was gone. "I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," I practically whispered it.
I could see a faint hope on her face, and before I could stop it, pain and misery flicked across my face.
I think she saw it, but I quickly composed my face into an emotionless mask.
"Anything," she promised, her voice less weak.
I knew that my emotions were clear across my face, and I couldn't stop them. My eyes met hers, and I could feel the intensity streaming between us. "Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I ordered, my voice smooth. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"
She nodded, her eyes glued to mine.
I instantly realised that this was not a clean break. "For Charlie, of course," I added hurriedly. "He needs you. Take care of yourself... for him." I whispered, too softly for her to hear, "and for me."
Again, Bella nodded. "I will," she croaked softly.
I relaxed immediately. I didn't think she would listen to me... but she had. I exhaled, relieved.
"I'll make you a promise in return," I told her, knowing I had to say this, for me as much as for her. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I never existed."
Clean break.
Her knees buckled but I didn't move to catch her, she looked dazed.
"Don't worry," I tried to comfort her... and me... in a subtle way. "You're human. Your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."
She was silent for a moment, and then choked out a question. "And your memories?" she asked. It touched me to realise that after all I had said, after all the pain I had caused her, she still cared. That is not a good thing. Clean break. Clean break.
I knew I was going to have to hurt her... again. "Well... I won't forget. But my kind... we're easily distracted."
I saw my hint register on her face, then more pain.
"That's everything," I took a step away. I was angry now, angry with myself for everything. Hurting her, not having enough resolve to make a really clean break... "We won't bother you again."
The use of the plural caught her attention. "Alice... Alice isn't coming back..." she said softly, her voice hurt.
I shook my head slowly, watching her carefully. "No... they're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."
"Alice is gone?" her voice was full of disbelief.
Her boyfriend and her best friend in the same day. I knew that this would hurt her, again. "She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."
She almost looked like she was going to faint. I was afraid, I would have to go. This was bad.
"Goodbye, Bella," I said with finality. The pain enfulged me, this was it. I needed to run...
"Wait!" she reached for me, making herself move.
I wanted to reach for her too... but it was wrong. I couldn't. I locked my fingers around her wrists and pinned them to her sides. I couldn't help it- I leaned down and pressed my lips to her forehead... one last time. The end.
"Take care of yourself," I murmured, letting go. Her eyes closed. It was broken. I ran.
I could hear her crashing after me, sobbing my name, but I knew they would find her. I couldn't stop.
I reached our house, everyone was waiting on the front porch for me. I had lied- they hadn't left. They were waiting... waiting for me and my uncertain decision.
I couldn't talk. I stood next to Alice and I suppose my expression must have alerted them to my final decision. "Let's go," I managed.
To my intense shock, Rosalie glared at me. "You're a moron," she hissed. "I cannot believe you."
I stared at her, finding words to reply. "You can't believe me? I thought you hated Bella."
Rosalie brushed past me. "I never said I didn't like her. But no one deserves what you just did to her."
I stood, numb from shock. "A clean break," I muttered firmly to myself.
Carlisle squeezed my shoulder, knowing my internal pain. "You did what you thought was right, son," he said quietly, but in his tone was a tiny hint of disappointment.
I looked up, meeting Alice's disappointed eyes, Jasper's carefully neutral expression, and Esme's pain at my own struggle. To my surprise, Emmett still stood there. "Sorry, bro," he muttered, and ran after Rose. I listened to his mind and his thoughts only made me feel worse. Poor Eddie. Must hurt. I still can't believe that he did that to Bella... Rose is right... For once, he wasn't sharing his usually public thoughts.
YOU STUPID IDIOT!! Alice was screaming in her mind. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT? YOU TOLD HER YOU DIDN'T LOVE HER. YOU FOOL!
Moron, moron, moron, Rosalie's mind was saying, over and over. Then, her mind filled with images of her horrific past, and I exited.
Carlisle was carefully reciting the Russian alphabet over and over in his head so I couldn't tell what he thought.
Esme's mind was full of sympathy and pity, both for me and Bella. Poor boy. He really loved her... and deserved her.
Jasper was also blocking his mind, this time singing an army soldier song over and over again.
A feeling of calm spread over me and I knew that it was Jasper. "Don't, Jasper," I snapped, sounding harsher than I meant to.
"Don't take your own stupidity out on him!" Alice screamed at me.
I took one last glance at them and ran. My own family hated me... I truly was a monster.
A/N: What did you think? Please review!!
Maybe a little OOCness, added parts, definitely, =)