A Tender Moment
By Chibiman
Author's Note: Yeah this is a parody of the ending of Alien VS Predator. Its what might have happened if that darn Queen hadn't popped up and spoiled the mood, enjoy.
Rated PG-13 for violence, disturbing imagery, sexual content, and language.
The Antarctic base camp is blown to hell and Scar Predator has marked Lex. They look deep into each other's eyes. Lex leans slightly forward, but stops and bites her lip with uncertainty.
Lex: I want to kiss you, but… you're just so damn ugly. And you don't have lips… (Turns away) Oh, we just come from different worlds! I mean seriously, where the hell do you come from?
Scar presses a button the shoulder of his armor and Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On" starts playing from unseen speakers. He then grabs her arm and dips her low to the ground. He leans his monstrous face in real close and says…
Scar: Give me some sugar baby.
Scar then opens his mandibles wide and presses his mouth against hers as the mandibles grip tightly against the sides of her head. She happily smooches against his teeth and the camera sweeps away from them to the hill where they are watched by the Predator Elder and his entourage. They look at the pair and then at their Elder questioningly. He holds up both his hands so they all can see and makes them into fists. He then presses the two fists together and rubs them forward and back making kissing noises.
Predator Entourage: (Their eyes going all big) Awwww.
The Predator Elder goes back into the ship and gestures for his crew to follow them. As the crew boards, the Elder pauses and looks back at the macking duo.
Predator Elder: (Barley more than a whisper) Ah, young love.
The Elder then goes invisible and boards his ship which, silently, takes off into the night. Down at the ruins of the camp the two lovers break their embrace.
Lex: We should get back to the boat, after all this is Antarctica and I'm kinda starting to get frost bitten.
Scar immediately scoops her up into his arms and begins running towards the boat and in minutes they have arrived and Scar takes a mighty leap onto the deck. From there he proceeds inside past the dozens of crew members too shocked to speak or indeed move. He carries her to a bed room and lies her down, but goes back to the door giving her a wink and holding up a finger to indicate "Back in a minute". He then closes the door and after a moment passes you can hear the crew screaming and the sound of flesh being torn from bone and blood being spilt. Lex lets out a contented sigh and smiles as she makes herself comfortable on the bed.
Lex: That's my man.
It's apparently days later and the ship is has apparently been crashed into the dock and there bodies strung up everywhere. It's supposed to horrifying, but the bodies aren't skinned, are in fact still clothed, and have no apparent injuries. It then cuts to a nearby air port where Lex and Scar are at the security check. Scar walks through the metal detector which has no response to his battle armor. After they pass through a young guy walks through and the alarm goes off prompting the guards to pound him into oblivion. One of the guards searches his possibly dead body.
Guard: (Holding up a bloody metal object) Trying to sneak nail clippers on, eh? (Kicks the body) Evil terrorist!
On the plane Scar is glancing out the window nervously. Lex proceeds to grab his hand to calm him.
Lex: It's okay honey. Just relax or you'll give yourself a heart attack. (Thinks for a moment) You do have one of those right?
A flight attendant taps Scar on the shoulder and in a panic he pops out his blades and runs her through. She falls still holding the pillow she was about to offer him.
Lex: See, this is what I meant about you being so tense. Just take it easy. See look, we're just over New York.
Lex gestures to the window and Scar leans over her. It's kind of hard to tell with the mask on, but he is really amazed by the sight of New York at night. So overcome with emotion is he that he takes Lex into his arms and begins to slow dance in the aisles, trampling the corpse of the flight attendant in the process. As they dance a sweet old lady sitting in the isle across from them lets out a happy sigh and sings.
Old Lady: (Singing) Tale as old time, song as old as rhyme. Beauty and the Beast.
Scar is surprised by her singing and stops dancing for a moment to impale her on his blades. As he does so he looks out the window on her side and sees two people sitting on the wing of the plane. One is a red headed woman in torn up outfit and the other is a massive monster with one eye and dressed all in leather embracing the woman. For those not keeping score, its Alice and Nemesis from Resident Evil: Apocalypse.
Nemesis: (Singing softly) A whole new world. A dazzling place I never knew, but when I'm way up here it's crystal clear that now I'm in a whole new world with you.
Alice leans forward and kisses Nemesis on his huge pointy teeth. Scar shudders with disgust as he looks away. After the plane lands and the two deboard Scar takes a look around at the crowd and is struck with an idea. He takes out a small black cloth from somewhere and ties it around Lex's head covering her eyes.
Lex: What are you…?
Scar shushes her with a finger to her mouth and she stands there as we are again treated to the sounds of death, dying, and dismemberment. After a coupled of moments Scar removes the cloth with his blood stained hands. She looks in shock for a moment and then the camera flips around, in slow motion for no reason, to show us that body parts are pinned on the wall with various pointy objects to spell out: "Will you marry me?"
Lex: (Squealing with delight) Yes! She jumps up and kisses him on the mask
In big chapel, Lex is dressed in a beautiful dress straight out of a Disney movie and Scar is dressed in his same battle armor but now he has a bow tie on and a wedding ring on his massive finger that is not at all a rubber glove. The priest is winding down to the vows.
Priest: Do you Lex Whatever, take this giant monster to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?
Lex: I do.
Priest: And do you Scar…?
Scar is surprised to be addressed by the priest and decapitates him with the weird under wrist blade that has yet to be used and even disappeared halfway through the movie.
Scar: (Growling) I do.
Another priest, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, kicks the first priest's body aside. It rolls onto a large pile of priests body at the bottom of the small stairs.
Priest Arnold: By the power vested in me by the great state of New York, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride.
Scar takes off his mask in a way that is dramatic despite the fact that it has been done in each previous movie and twice so far in this one. He leans in for a kiss, but then falls back convulsing wildly as Lex looks at him in shock. Scar begins making weird noises that are supposed to sound painful but instead sound like he's blowing on someone's belly. A fount of green blood bursts forth and onto Lex's dress as the Predalien burster tumbles out of Scar's body. It looks up at Lex and hisses and clicks its mandibles at the same time.
Lex: Nooooooooooo! (Cradles Scar's body) Get up, please! I'm not prepared to be a single mother!
Priest Arnold: (Crushing Scar's head with a big rock) Oh, he's dead all right.
Lex: (Picks up the Predalien and cradles it in her arms) You look (Sniff) so much like your father. And I'm sure if you had eyes, they'd be just like his. (Sobbing) All brown and like a big puppy dog…(Wipes away her tears and bit of blood) However, I can no longer afford my apartment here. I must now move in with my wacky grandfather George Carlin in New Jersey.
Priest Arnold: (Now wearing Scar's head like a helmet) Good luck with that.
Seven Years Later
The Predalien is sitting in a classroom wearing a cute little dress with her dreadlocks tied up into pig tails. She comes to the front of the class carrying a paper. Although after she gets to the front of the class she drops the paper and, instead of reading, begins to savagely rip apart her teacher. The camera pans over from the shredding to show us Lex looking through the window of the door.
Lex: (Smiling as blood splatters against the glass) That's my little girl.
George Carlin: (Jumping into the shot) You said it, you cocksucking mother fucker!
The End
To Be Continued in Jersey Predalien… maybe.
End Note: I actually really liked AVP and yet this is what I wrote to honor it... oh well. Happy Valentine's Day!