Warning: By god it is long, but it is not my fault blame the hour and a half journey to work every morning and then back again in the evenings…please tell me what you think of it.
More Than Anything
Four months, twelve days and six hours
Since I last saw you.
It was you that brought me here, or a contest
I was the leader but on this I followed you.
You led us to this place and stayed.
I stayed too, even after I should have gone.
I stayed because of you.
I watch you from afar,
I could never explain my continued presence…
And you stand before the ocean…
From here you mark the horizon
Punctuating the point between ocean and sky
A comer on natures sentence.
Your hair matching both blues…
You motionless…
And for a moment I think you are a mirage…
Or a dream.
I rub my eyes but you remain
I turn to leave
I could stare at you forever, but I do not want to be caught
You've seen me.
I hear you call my name
It feels obscene,
Every dream I've ever had of you merges, washing over reality
Their images overlapping momentarily,
Tricking me into thinking you are mine…
I want to run.
I feel your eyes on me
My resistance begins to erode.
Your eyes stare distrustfully now,
Almost regal in their severity.
You must wonder why I haven't moved
My legs betray me…
They worry you may rescind your offer.
You invited me into your presence and I cannot deny you
I forfeited my pride an eternity ago
When it came to you.
I stand close to you.
You turn back to the ocean.
My mind is hazy when you begin to speak;
I can't hear as my body hums
And my hard beats too hard…
I want to throw myself at you, damn the consequences!
Though I cannot hear your voice
I can hear you silence.
You have paused and look at me oddly,
You must have asked a question.
I nod
Wondering what you have said.
You turn again, my head is swimming
And without moving I nearly fall.
Your hands catch me,
And I nearly drown.
It's been too long since I last saw you
The feelings are all hitting me at once
I am not used to this;
Not used to feeling anything but anger and emptiness.
I think I kissed you…
Because I am sure that you did not kiss me…
I cling to you desperately
Knowing that I have crossed a boundary
This will be the last time I can bathe in your presence.
When we stop you stare back at the ocean.
I wonder why somebody who tastes of fire
Always stares at his opposite element so longingly.
You haven't let go of me yet.
I wish that I could relax into your loose embrace,
But I am afraid that if I do you will remove your arms forever
And I will never know this feeling again.
I whisper 'I love you,'
And you do not even look at me.
My tears appear then,
Salty liquid like the spray of the ocean or…
Your eyes find mine and you wipe away a tear
Holding it on the tip of your finger
Staring down at it
Like it was the open waters…
Like it was my heart.
I am desperate,
My emotions raging
Then swallowing themselves and imploding
My mouth opening
And closing in verbal impotence,
Because I love you
And you have done nothing.
'You love me because you don't know me'
You say finally,
your voice evaporating into the air like mist.
'I've known you forever,' I say sadly.
'We've barely met'
My heart does not break all at once
I can feel it being whittled away piece by piece.
'I'm Tala,' I say 'And more than anything I want you to love me'
This time I know that he kisses me.
And it's not an answer,
Not really,
But I know that it is all that I am going to get.
Under his lips I feel my heart expand
becoming too large for my chest;
Absorbing all the broken pieces
And growing still larger
Until I can feel it in my throat.
Choking me.