Letter Exchange
Chapter One
Harry Potter To Lord Voldemort
Snake-Faced Bastard:
Give me Bellatrix Lestrange and Lucius Malfoy and I will reveal the spy for the Order of the Phoenix.
Harry Potter
Potter:
Do you really believe that I would give you two of my best followers in exchange for one name?
Lord Voldemort
Snakey:
If that psychotic bitch and her narcissist brother-in-law are your best Death Eaters, it's no wonder you haven't been winning lately. Why do you keep Lucius around? Old Money? Or is it because he's pretty? I know it's not for his brain. Two words: second year.
Harry Potter
Potter:
I killed two hundred muggles on that last raid and made the new Minister of Magic wet himself his first day in office. How am I not winning? Bellatrix is definitely a psychotic bitch, but she's a devoted psychotic bitch. Trust me Potter, it's always best to have the crazy ones on your side.
Lord Voldemort
Snakey:
Didn't Bellatrix castrate Montague during that raid? We've killed or captured a hundred of your followers, neutralized the Dementors, and signed treaties with the werewolves and giants. Your forces have been largely depleted and we've hardly lost anyone. Most of the war casualties have been muggles and, let me remind you, there are still six billion muggles on the planet. You're nowhere near winning. Give me Bellatrix and Lucius.
Harry Potter
Snakey:
I'm disappointed, really. I expected Lucius and Bellatrix to be booby-trapped in some way, but killing them beforehand and creating port-keys out of their corpses? That was downright cruel. I wanted to play with them first! You need to tighten security, by the way. It was far too easy to kill the guards with a toothpick and escape by the floo. Of course, we would've never guessed that you'd use Pettigrew's old family manor as a secret base, but we traced the floo connection and raided the place. How many secret bases do you have?
Harry Potter
P.S. The spy for the Order of the Phoenix is Severus Snape. Please send pictures.
Potter:
In the package is Snape's decapitated head. Give Dumbledore my regards.
Lord Voldemort
Snakey:
I particularly love the boot-shaped scar on his forehead. I might just mount him on the wall. Dumbledore actually cried. McGonagall caught me writing this. She says to tell you she sends her love. I wish I could obliviate myself.
Harry Potter
Potter:
Does McGonagall have any other bitter rivals?
Lord Voldemort
Snakey:
I am not going to ask her that.
Harry Potter
Snakey:
You wrote to McGonagall, didn't you? That's disgusting.
Harry Potter