A/N: Yaaaayyyyyy. Chapter one. Aren't you all excited? This story is going to be in Sakura's point of view. First person. Yucky. I have issues writing in first person, so if I make any slip ups, let me know! I already miss my omnipotent narrator-ness! T.T Shall we see how I mangled this story? The rating is going to be M on this, because of language, and I probably will have at least one smut scene, as much as I hate writing them...
Disclaimer: Dood. Do you get it yet? I dun own the characters.
Chapter One: Pain
I cried myself to sleep as I do most nights.
Four months ago, Deidara had visited.
Four months ago, I'd allowed myself to hope that we could love each other.
Four months ago, I'd realized that that would never happen.
Four months ago, I lost my mind.
Four months ago, I found myself alone.
--
I awoke screaming to the plain, soft, white walls like I do most mornings.
I had been put into confinement by Tsunade.
Only a few weeks after Deidara had visited me, Tsunade had noticed the change in me, her daughter-like student. For a few more weeks, she let it slide.
When I basically attacked my best friend, though, it was obvious that this wouldn't work.
I curled up into a ball in the corner and cried until someone brought me a tray of food.
I wasn't being treated badly, at least.
The food was decent, my bed was soft, and I had a bathroom despite the lack of amenities; the toilet had no lid and was bolted to the floor with expert precision. The shower had no curtain or curtain rod, it had no plug- so baths were out of the question- and it spurted only one lukewarm temperature of water. There was a plastic mirror hanging over an automatic sink. And of course, there was no towel rack, just a stack of them in a corner.
No locks, of course. No razors, either, for that matter.
And, on top of that, chakra restricting bracelets.
I know Shisou was only trying to keep me from hurting myself, but still.
Actually, it was pretty justified; I admitted to myself. I couldn't lie and say that I wouldn't have killed myself.
Even now, the urge to do so is there. I know why it is. I know how to fix it. And I know it can't be fixed, at least, not without him.
I crawled over to the food after a moment. I wasn't really hungry, but if I didn't eat it, they would force me to.
That was never fun.
As soon as had stuffed every bit into my mouth and swallowed, I crawled back to my corner and waited until Tsunade would come.
I knew she would be here very soon. Everyday, she tries to snap me 'out of it'.
Why she's attempting to do so, I don't know.
The only cure for broken heart is time, and I knew no amount of that will ever help me.
The only cure for me is him.
Tsunade couldn't get that through her head.
Some days, she just talked.
Today, she was in a bad mood. I would guess that Shizune found her stash of Sake.
She simply ranted for a while, and then turned her bleary, alcohol-deprived eyes on me.
"Why won't you just get over it?!" she shouted in frustration.
I frowned slightly, had I been free from this stupid confinement, I'd have told Shizune to just give Tsunade her damn Sake back.
"I can't." I muttered pathetically to her question.
"You got over Sasuke!" she shouted, in her rage.
I flinched. "That was different." I said softly, more to myself than her.
"How is it any different at all?" she growled.
"He didn't love me back." I whispered simply.
She began to mutter a string of profanities to herself.
"Bye, Sakura." She said curtly as she stood up to leave.
"Tsunade?" I called softly to her.
She didn't say anything, just turned her head to half look at me.
"I'm sorry. I really can't." I apologized weakly. "I think I'd be better off dead." I muttered, mainly to myself.
Tsunade's expression softened some. "Don't think like that. Just give it some time."
She studied my expression softly.
"Fate has a funny way of working," she added, turning into the motherly figure I knew, "If time doesn't work, fate will."
She gave me a quick smile as she left.
I curled back up, processing what she'd said.
Fate? I scoffed at that.
More like teasing.
The world dangled in front of me something I wanted as much as life itself.
Then it was ripped away.
Stupid universe, I scowled to myself.
As if there was anyway I would ever see Deidara again, unless Tsunade tracked him down herself and dragged him to this stupid, hideous, rotten room.
As much as Tsunade cared about me, he was still an S-Ranked criminal and part of the organization that was intent on capturing and killing my best friend.
Speaking- more like thinking, actually- of my best friend…
I hadn't seen him in months. Or Kakashi.
I'd have to ask Tsunade tomorrow.
Someone pushed a tray of food into my room.
Was it lunch already?
I sighed and pulled the tray over.
I ate it without tasting any of it.
I stared at the ceiling, wishing for a good book until another tray of food was pushed in at dinner.
I'd have to ask Tsunade about that too.
Again, I ate without tasting any of it; I simply felt it slide down my throat, leaving a hot trail on the way.
I guess that meant it was warm.
I curled up on my bed and waited for sleep to come.
Before I could manage to find that, I cried.
As usual.
Oddly, I missed being confined to working in my office at the hospital.
I knew that Konoha's medical field was taking a hit, thanks to me.
I felt bad about that.
As much as it would hurt me later, I let my mind wander and let it think about Deidara.
The way he always smelled like clay and smoke and explosions.
The way he was so careful of his bloodline limit.
The way his crooked smile sat on his face.
The way his eyes changed shades of blue.
The texture and feel of his hair.
His voice.
That hurt the most, the fact that I couldn't recall his voice perfectly, and the fact that I needed to hear it so badly.
Another tear slipped out from under my eyelid before sleep overtook me.
I woke up later than usual.
And not screaming, for the first time I could remember in a block of time that was far too long.
I looked towards the slot where food was pushed in.
There was already a tray sitting there.
No Tsunade, though, so I mustn't be too late waking.
I quickly downed the food on the tray before Tsunade could get here and yell at me.
Only a few minutes later, she walked in.
"Sakura." She greeted. Her tone was odd today.
"Hello Tsunade." I replied her greeting with a rare smile.
Surprise showed on her face in response to the small smile I gave.
"You smell terrible," Tsunade teased- probably taking advantage of my unusually good mood.
I sniffed the air once and cringed; she was right. I did smell.
"Shisou?" I asked, smiling weakly once more for persuasion. She didn't say anything, just threw a glance that said to continue, "I was thinking last night… and I realized that I haven't seen Ino, or Naruto, or Kakashi, or Sai, or anyone in so long."
Tsunade sighed. She understood now.
"I'm not sure what I can do about that, Sakura…"
"Please, please…" I begged shamelessly, "Just let someone visit me. Anyone!"
"I don't know if I can," she silenced me before I could protest with a glance, "The council…" she trailed off.
"They think it's healthy to keep someone locked up, seeing only one person for months and months! Honestly, if anything, I've probably gotten worse!" I hadn't noticed that I was crying until a tear dropped down onto my hand, which was resting in my lap.
"I'll see what I can do."
Knowing Tsunade, that was probably a yes…, she'd fight her hardest for her daughter-like student.
I smiled, largely and enthusiastically this time.
"Oh, and is there any chance I could get some books or something? You have no idea how boring it is in here."
Tsunade only nodded.
"I'll work on it." She smiled, standing up to leave.
When Tsunade was gone, I hurried over to the shower.
I still wasn't used to the curtan-less-ness of it. I felt awkward standing in it.
I smiled half to myself because it actually would be possible to kill yourself in here.
Not that I was going to now… now that I had something to look forward to.
It really was simple…
You clog the drain in the tub with toilet paper. Drown yourself.
And they called this place suicidal proof.
Pfffftttttt.
I washed my hair as best ad I could, considering I had no shampoo or conditioner.
I only had a bar of non-scented, 'tear free' soap. I couldn't even hurt my eyes with it.
I scrubbed myself relentlessly with the stupid soap that bugged me so much.
Finally satisfied, I stepped from the shower and wrapped one of the towels around myself.
I peeked out of the door first to make sure no one was passing by my door- it had a window so they could keep an eye on me if they felt the need- and inched over to the carefully crafted dresser of clothes.
The dresser itself was bolted securely to the ground, and the three drawers it had wouldn't come out more than a foot and a half.
Stupid suicide proof room.
It was starting to bug me.
Even the blankets were 'suicide proof'.
They ripped easily, especially if you tried to tie them.
I'd gone through quite a few, considering I toss and turn a lot while I sleep.
I really was starting to get annoyed with this room.
I knew I'd never get over Deidara, but couldn't I at least act like I could? God, I wanted out of this damn room.
Putting on a fake smile and doing what I had to shouldn't be so hard, right?
I quickly pulled on the bland clothes that filled the dresser before finger combing my hair.
They wouldn't let me have one, because heaven knows what I could do with that to kill myself.
It was then that I realized that there were a few books sitting where my food normally was.
Excitedly, I rushed over to them to examine what I had.
There was a medical scroll, a biography, a sci-fi, and a…
Romance.
That had probably been added very timidly.
I sighed and opened it up.
I froze a few chapters in, when I realized that the heroine's name what Sankuru and the hero's name was Deidre.
Seriously.
Who had chose this fucking book?
If anyone expected to help me at all, they were sorely mistaken.
I flung the book at a corner and quickly tried to engross myself in the sci-fi.
It helped a little.
The next time I looked up from the book, there was a tray of food waiting for me.
How did they get it there so quietly?
I shrugged, discarding the question for two reasons- one, ninjas, duh! Two, I really didn't care- and proceeded to eat the food.
For the first time in a long time, I actually tasted it.
Actually, it wasn't half bad. It was stew and a piece of toast.
After I was done eating, I curled up in the bed and let my mind drift until I fell asleep.
Again, my thoughts wandered to Deidara, but tonight, I didn't cry.
A/N: