A/N We all know that Ed had to get the talk from someone……so if no one wants to tell the 13-year-old dog of the military, then of course the dirty job goes to none other than Roy Mustang. :D Enjoy! Enjoy my first FMA fic!!
"Fullmetal Shorty! C'mere!" Roy yelled, wondering furiously why he didn't use his own flames to incinerate himself.
"I'M NOT SHORT!! I'M 13 AND THIS CAN BE CONSIDERED AN AVERAGE HIGHT!" Ed yelled back, walking faster, and wishing his hair antenna hadn't fallen flat in his recent escape from the pouring rain.
"Look, kid, I don't like talkin' to you anymore than you like being near me, so shuttup and listen. Can we go somewhere, uh, private?" Roy said, looking around nervously. Other state alchemists swarmed around them, all giving him sympathetic glances. Of course they knew what was about to happen. This was the one task that not even the fiercest of the state alchemists were willing to face. If this attempt failed, it could cause epic failure to the military, and leave behind an emotionally scarred teenage boy.
Yes, Roy Mustang won the random choice for giving Edward Elric "The Talk".
"Is it an emergency?" Ed asked, raising an eyebrow. He was supposed to meet Al in about an hour, but he figured that Al would understand if he was late.
"…….Sure. Wait-yeah! Yes it is!" Roy said, failing at keeping his reputable tough-guy-I-hate-the-Fullmetal-kid attitude.
"Whatever…." Ed answered, turning around and walking to Mustang's private office.
As soon as they were in, Mustang signaled for Ed to sit down, so he did. Mustang gulped audibly, and looked around the room. He cleared his throat and said, "So what brings you here, Ed?"
Ed rolled his eyes. "Colonel, you asked me here," he supplied.
"Oh, uh, right. Very well then. You are 13, correct?" Mustang asked, wishing he was anywhere but here. Wishing it was Armstrong in his place.
"Yeah. So? Can we move on?" Ed scowled. He wondered if it would be rude to bolt out of the room. As he waited for Mustang to speak again, he readjusted his hair antenna, sighing when the sopping hair fell flat.
"You have begun to take an interest in girls, correct?" Roy said, using his most formal, polite voice.
He failed.
"WHA--? DAMN, WHERE IS THIS GOING?" Ed shouted, turning beet-red. He wondered if Mustang thought he liked Winry.
"LITTLE KIDS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO SWEAR!"
"I'M NOT LITTLE! I'M AVERAGE!"
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! I'M TRYING TO TEACH YOU ABOUT WOMEN, AND HOW THEY AFFECT YOU!"
"BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN GET A GIRLFRIEND!"
"That was cold…." Mustang quieted.
"But it was true," Ed pointed out. As soon as he said those words, though he didn't realize it, the array of tough military men and women put a point down for him.
"One: Ed, Zero: Mustang," Hawkeye read aloud for her companions.
"Look, when a man and a woman love each other a lot, they'll feel a certain attraction to each other. Soon, you'll be wanting to kiss the girls around you," Mustang said, hoping that Ed wouldn't ask questions.
Ed's face immediately reddened, and he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, "Uh, Colonel, is this goin' where I think it is? I really hope it isn't…" Ed said.
"Look, listen to me! When a guy and a girl like each other and they have sex! It's totally natural, and don't be awkward about it when you start having sexual feelings! It's normal!!" Roy said, equally as red as Ed.
Riza nodded towards Havoc, and mouthed, "Ed: 2, Roy: 0."
They all nodded, wicked leers on their faces.
"I SO DIDN'T NEED TO HEAR THAT, DAMNIT!" Ed yelled, standing up. Ed placed a hand on his head in exasperation. As soon as he realized that his hair was dry, and stubbornly pulled his hair antenna up.
With his cheeks puffed out he walked over to Mustang, who had stood up as well, and measured against him. "HA! See, You're not that much taller than me!" Ed yelled.
"ALL I TRIED TO TELL YOU WAS ABOUT GIRLS! STUFF EVERY MAN NEEDS TO KNOW!" Mustang yelled. He noted the entire foot of distance between the tip of his head to Ed's hair antenna.
"Please! You can't even get Ri-" Ed began.
"Finish that sentence and you are a dead man! Er-boy! The entire military is probably right out this door, keeping score!" Roy said coldly, waiting to hear the quiet scramble outside the door.
"Retreat!" Hawkeye whispered to her troops outside the door, softly so Roy couldn't hear.
Ed and Mustang sat back down, glaring at each other from across the desk.
Suddenly Roy stood up, and ruffled Ed's hair, giving him a nod. He then swiftly turned, and walked out the room, stiff and formal as ever.
Ed didn't even complain that Roy had messed up his antenna.
Because that was the most fatherly moment he'd had in years.
As soon as Mustang was out he ran into a hassled Riza. "So who won?"
Riza turned a dark shade of red, and gave him a salute, "Ed Elric won by a landslide, sir!" she grinned. Roy only shook his head and laughed.
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"………..and that's how Mustang gave me The Talk," Ed grinned, staring at his brother. Ed Elric was 16 now, three years from that fateful day. He was finally taller than a girl, and wise enough to wait until his brother was 15 to give him the talk.
"But-but that's so mentally wrong! I'm a suit of armor! I don't really need to know this…do I, brother?" Al said, and he was sure that if he had a flesh body he would be blushing furiously.
"You will eventually. When you get your body back you'll like girls that way too. Like….I need an example that doesn't involve that damn Mustang…..um-" Ed started, but was abruptly interrupted.
"Like you and Winry?" Al offered, waiting to watch the entertaining changes of emotion on his brother's face.
Little squiggly lines of doom appeared (metaphorically) around Ed's head, as he sunk down a little lower, making himself shorter. His face then turned into the 'I'm-calm-and-cool-but-I'm-about-to-lose-it' expression as he straightened. Then his face relaxed into a somewhat calm expression, for once not forced upon his face. The somewhat normal expression disappeared as his lip twitched slightly, as he grinned too widely.
"Al, how…….the hell…..DID YOU FIND OUT!" Ed said, his voice escalating to an 'outside voice' pitch.
"What? It's true??" Al exclaimed, already feeling like an idiot.
"Wait a sec, I just gave it away didn't I?" Ed said, his face falling as he began to laugh.
"Um, brother, why didn't you tell me? And, yes, you did give it away," Al said, slightly hurt.
"Me and Win, were gonna tell you tomorrow, but I guess that's out." Ed said, smiling at his brother.
At that exact moment Winry barged in, complaining loudly that Ed's automail would never stay perfect if Ed kept acting like an idiot. In her hand was a piece of finger that miraculously was the only thing Ed broke.
"Winry….Ed just told me stuff and I have a question….." Al began; looking up at her expectantly.
Winry's face flushed a violent shade of scarlet. She knew what Ed was…talking…to Al about. "Yes?" she replied.
"What have you done with Ed?" Al asked, purely innocently. Winry's and Ed's dropped in perfect synchronization.
"Nothing you need to know….." Ed answered, smirking evilly. At the same time Winry answered, flushed in the face, "Nothing inappropriate!"
And, in the manner that is the Winry, Al, and Ed friendship, Winry hit Ed over the head with her wrench, as Al apologized profusely. And, of course, over the din were Ed's colorful oaths of murder.
A/N So what did you think?