RECOGNITION and ACCEPTANCE
As they exited the hospital following their questioning of select hospital personnel regarding the murder of one of the staff physicians, Katherine Beckett and Richard Castle slowly moved through the parking lot toward Kate's vehicle. An awkward silence shrouded their journey. As they approached her car, Rick noticed a cluster of tables and benches that were used by staff, patients and visitors for outdoor dining and relaxation. Breaking the silence, Rick directed a request to her.
"Kate, can we sit for a minute before you go back to the precinct?"
"Can't we just sit in the car?' she replied.
"I'd rather sit outside, if that is acceptable to you."
"Uh, …...I guess, sure."
As they moved toward one of the tables that was somewhat removed from the rest and took seats opposite of one another, Rick began to speak in a soft, but assured tone, "I want to say that I'm sorry for the way that I spoke to you about Josh and his profession. It was insensitive and petty. I apologize."
Rick continued, "Kate, I'm sorry that I have to admit this, …...but I'm jealous. Before I met you I don't think there was one time in my life that I was jealous of anyone or anything. Since being around you, counting on one hand is not even enough to calculate the number of times that I have been jealous. I was jealous of Will because at one time he had your heart. He was a fool to treat that gift in a cavalier manner. I was jealous of the fireman because he got to pick you up at your apartment and take you to a fine restaurant and share a dining experience with you."
"I was certainly jealous of Tom. Having to witness the growth of your relationship with him was one of the most difficult things that I have ever encountered. Hell, I was jealous of Madison. As I plied her with question after question in an attempt to learn more about you, I began to envy her time with the young Kate Beckett."
"To hear you speak the words 'I was in love with you', tore at my heart more than the kisses that I witnessed with Will and Tom. What the true meaning of that relationship might have been is none of my business, it's just the spoken words to someone else that shattered my soul. And now, my jealousy of your involvement with Josh has caused me to say things to you in a petulant manner. My mother told me that for all of her shortcomings, 'she had at least raised a good man'. Well, a good man would not do what I just did. I'm sorry, Kate."
He had not been able to make constant eye contact with Kate. The occasional glances found her eyes either looking at him or staring off in space. Rick feared that if he tried to make continuous eye contact then he would not be able to prevent something from developing in his own.
"Kate, please believe me that my jealousy has nothing to do with trust. It solely applies to the fact of wanting you and loving you for so long now and not being able to measure up. I have, do and will trust you with my life. More importantly, I trust you with the life of Alexis' father, a factor that is so much more infinitely precious than me alone."
"I'm obviously not dealing with all of this very well at the moment, so to make sure that I don't continue to do or say things for which I have to apologize for, I think that it's best for me not to be around all of the time. I'll gladly respond to any request that you or the others might make to assist with talking about a case, but my everyday appearance at the precinct should end at this time. I will work hard to try to be a better person in the future, but for now I'm not doing either one of us any good. I hate this, Kate, but at the same time I'm happy for you and I hope that this will bring you what you are looking for."
"I'm not going to go back with you to the precinct. There is another situation that I have a responsibility to address, and the sooner I do that the sooner everyone can move on with their lives. Be safe, Kate. I hope that we might talk to one another in the near future."
With that Rick left the table and made his way to the hospital entrance in hopes of hailing a taxi. Having not uttered a word during this entire occurrence, Kate remained seated at the table staring into the distant clouds.
Successfully garnering a cab, Rick gave the driver the address for 7th and Madison Avenue. Reaching their destination, Rick paid the driver, exited the taxi and entered the building in which Black Pawn Publishing was located. Arriving at the reception area, he was enthusiastically greeted as usual by the staff of the publishing house. He asked the receptionist if it was possible for him to speak with Gina Cowell. He apologized for not having an appointment, but the meeting would not take up much of her time. A quick check by the receptionist led to an immediate response for Rick to proceed to Gina's office.
Entering her office, Rick apologized for intruding, but Gina assured him that it was no problem at all. The only problem, as Gina might have been able to discern, was the disheartened countenance that was ever so present on her former husband and current companion. As they silently moved to the couch in the seating area of the office, Rick began to speak.
"Gina, I need to tell you that the personal side of our relationship must come to an end. I'm sorry that it has to be that way, but in all fairness to you I can't allow you to think that I have rekindled deep emotional feelings for you, or for us. Please believe me, this is all my responsibility, it is nothing that you have done. I appreciate the support that you gave me this past summer. It enabled me to finish NAKED HEAT. Something that I thought that I would not be able to do. And, as it turns out, I guess we have created another best seller. We have always been able to muddle our way through a quite productive professional relationship. Perhaps, we should have always left it at that."
In a manner which exemplified an understanding that this conversation was inevitable, Gina responded, "Have you told her that you love her?"
"Gina, that's not...
Interrupting, she offered, "Richard, I know that you didn't come here to talk about your Detective, but you did come because of what you feel for her. You want to end our dating, or personal relationship, whatever you want to call it because you cannot clear her from your mind. I know that when you are in a relationship that you commit yourself to it. I've already experienced that with you. You obviously have an opportunity to finally be with her, so it's necessary for you to end whatever it is you want to call our involvement. I'm not blind, Richard, and I'm sure that I'm not the only one that sees the connection between the two of you."
"Gina, what you're saying is accurate, but the circumstance is not true. I'm not in a position to be with Kate, and very likely never will be. I know what is in my heart, and I don't want to give you, or anyone else the impression that special place is unoccupied."
"So, you haven't told her you love her, that you want her."
"In a somewhat indirect way I have, but it was couched in an explanation of another subject matter. It's really none of our business Gina, but she is involved with someone. Besides, I have never been given the impression that she wants to hear those words coming from me, or that those words would ever be returned in kind. My purpose for being here is to make sure that I'm honest with you about our relationship and the fact that it will be solely professional from now on. I hope that you understand and realize that this is my responsibility. You deserve better than to be with someone who cannot be emotionally committed to you."
"Richard, I may not like the fact that this conversation is taking place, but it's not like I couldn't see it coming at some point. You don't have to apologize for being forthcoming with me, it sure as hell beats what a lot of other people might do in this situation. I like our professional relationship, and the occasional personal time together has been nice as well. I will miss that. I don't know what the future of your heart might be, but I'm sure that when we do get together professionally I will be able to check its status through your eyes. Thanks for being upfront about all of this."
As he rose to leave, Rick put his arms around Gina and pressed his lips onto the top of her head. In a paradoxical way, the embrace seemed to bring closure to the separation.
Leaving the building, Rick hailed another taxi to return him to his loft. His heart and mind were consumed with the woman he loved, but he felt somewhat relieved that he had at least done the proper things that would live up to his mother's words. Where to go from here was a question that may forever linger. Writing was his profession, but it can also allow for a cathartic experience to take place. Perhaps that is what will provide an outlet for his anguish.
As he entered the elevator of his building, he knew that he would have to share what had taken place with his mother and Alexis. For some reason it seemed that at this point everyone connected to him had to be on the same page. No misconceptions, no pretense, no conjecture, just facts. If you are going to hurt, you might as well make sure that there are not other extraneous things to complicate your life. As he exited the elevator and turned the corner to approach the door of his loft, the sight provided the most complicated thing in his life.
As he approached Kate leaning against the wall beside his front door, she brought her head up from looking at the floor. As he got within reach of her she straightened her posture and looked directly into his eyes.
With an open hand she smacked his shoulder with considerable force. Falling backward from the blow, Rick could only watch as she walked past him toward the elevator, her eyes never leaving his as she softly spoke, "You are a fucking idiot."