A one off parody piece because as much as I adore Chuck/Blair anybody who thinks that they could ever be a normal couple is not watching the same show as me.
When his Dad glared at his room mate for the second time in as many seconds, Nate grew antsy.
"Looks like someone is itching for a fight," He whispered to his Mom as she adjusted the corners of Nate's bed sheets again.
"That's just your father's way of saying he'll miss you," She replied absently and that is how Nate's first day at football camp went. With his Mom fighting his Dad with her passive aggressive shit, and his Dad wanting to beat the shit out of Chuck (or at the very least cause a scene) because the boy wore eyeliner.
Chuck wasn't gay. He had girlfriends all throughout school—Annemarie was a senior when Chuck was in Junior High, Kate was a college freshman when Chuck was approaching his freshman year, and Tanya was Kate's Mom and thirty-five when Chuck was eighteen.
But as different as all those girls were Chuck had a definite type: tall, feminine, and gorgeous in that Katherine Hepburn 'high society' way he was not. So when they met one of their professors at a student bar off campus nobody was more surprised than Nate when, ten minutes later, Chuck had his tongue down his throat in the middle of the dance floor.
"Dude," Nate said when Chuck finally let the guy go long enough to join him at the bar. "That's Professor Waldorf."
"Yeah," Chuck grinned as he ordered three rounds of tequila. Professor Waldorf may have been the youngest professor in the Law School but he was still well into his forties and an authority figure; and a man. Nate couldn't wrap his head around it and told Chuck as much.
"He's hot," Chuck shrugged as he knocked back two shots and passed one to Nate. "I like hot."
"He's a he,"
"Minor technicality," Chuck drawled as he leaned back against the bar to stare intensely at the dance floor where Professor Waldorf was talking to a group of familiar looking girls from their college. Nate recognised that look, had seen it before whenever Chuck stared at any of his previous girlfriends; it meant Chuck was besotted or close to it and way beyond seeing sense.
"Fine," Nate shrugged as he downed his shot. "But don't come crying to me when he tries to stick things in your ass."
Professor Waldorf was nice in a responsible adult sort of way. He never passed tipsy when they went out for drinks, always held the door open for them and never failed to offer to drive them home; but after three weeks of his dating Chuck Nate still didn't see the attraction. Until the dinner at Professor Waldorf's house in the Hamptons of course; because that is when Chuck's sudden bout of homosexuality began to make sense.
"Nate I'd like you to meet someone," He slurred in pink Armani and carefully pressed khaki shorts, his arm around a beautiful brunette Nate vaguely recognised from one of their classes. She was petite and curvaceous with plump red lips and deep brown eyes and would have been exactly Chuck's type had it not been for the fact that she clearly seemed to despise him. Or perhaps she was his type because she despised him. Nate could never tell with Chuck, he was so flexible with his preferences. "Blair Waldorf meet Nathanial Archibald," He sidled a look at her as she tried to push his hand away from her bare shoulders. "Now, now Blair. What have I told you before about trying to push me away?" He grinned slowly, his smile like molasses, as he nudged his lips a breath away from her earlobe. "I won't hesitate to put you over my knee. Spare the rod, spoil the child."
"I'm not your child," Blair growled as she elbowed Chuck in the gut. "I hate you and eventually my Dad will see sense and dump you on your ass."
"Just like how he dumped you and your mom," Chuck hissed in a vicious tone Nate had never heard him use before and he had half a mind to step in and separate them when he realised that their disagreement seemed to be turning Blair on. Or at least that is how it seemed to Nate when he saw her face flush and the slight, blink and you would definitely miss it, roll of her hips toward Chuck's.
"You make me sick. I don't know what my dad sees in you."
"Oh your dad sees plenty inside me. Unlike your mom I actually put out," Chuck purred drunkenly and Nate decided at that point that he needed more alcohol. Lots more alcohol. So much more alcohol that he would, hopefully, be able to burn the mental image that particular comment prompted right out of his mind.
"So let me get this straight," Nate said much later. "You're sleeping with Professor Waldorf because you think that will help you get his daughter. In what world does that make sense, dude?"
"Blair wants me, she just can't admit it." Chuck drawls lazily as he texts someone, probably Blair but quite possibly Professor Waldorf, from his Blackberry. "Being with her dad just gives me more opportunities to get close to her and change her mind. Besides," He grins evilly. "Harold Waldorf is great in bed."
"Blair is right," Nate groans as he flops back into his bed. His friend's love life has left him mentally exhausted. "You are sick."
fin