Another new fic from me! I've gotta stop writing so much. Please don't be offended by this fic. I'm poking fun at all pairings equally. TRC belongs to its respective owners.

Featuring Chi and Fai

XX

'Twas the night before Christmas and all were in bed, but this has nothing to do with our story, so let's skip ahead.

It was a bright, bleak winter morning that Fai saw when he rolled onto his back, rubbing the last traces of sleep from his eyes. Grey light filled his room, leaving soft, gentle traces on the floor. Birds were singing outside - a perfectly peaceful, average day, and in the face of a perfectly peaceful, average day, he should have known that something was going to go wrong.

He woke up to find that everyone had already vacated the house to search for Sakura's feathers. He supposed that they were still a little offended about what had happened last night, though he could hardly be blamed, it was not his fault that they could not see the sense in trying to stuff a live chicken down Sakura's throat. It had feathers after all.

Fai rubbed his temples, remembering the wild chase around the room, the breaking of furniture and Syaoran shouting 'For the love of God, please stop!' as Fai had tried only to speed up Sakura's process of remembering.

Ungrateful idiots. They would be sorry when he finally went all Fei Wong Reed on their asses.

Sighing, he shrugged and walked out of the house to a cold field of frosty grass that spread onwards for many miles.

However, he did not get around to licking the frost off of the grass, as he was so rudely interrupted by the sky splitting open. It formed a long spiral in the air and from within he thought that he could hear a familiar voice calling to him.

Chi leapt through the swirling blue vortex in the form she had been in before her Fai had given her makeover. In her human-like form, she tumbled onto the grass, jumping up and leaping into his arms.

"Chi?" he turned, blinking, because what else would you do if your security net suddenly popped out of a giant vortex?

"Fai, my love!"

"…Beetrain?" he blinked again. He was very good at that.

"Eh?"

"No, nothing," he shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. He blinked for a third time, trying to discern if the person in front of him was really Chi and not some cheap cardboard cut-out courtesy of NHK. "What are you doing here, Chi? Is Ashura-ou here too?"

Chi looked down at her dress, wondering which bloody idiot decided to give her such a skimpy dress in a country that was freezing cold.

"Fai, Chi is sorry," she said, "Chi was lonely, very lonely!"

"What about Ashura?" he pressed.

"Chi left a note!" she perked up, holding up a note that proudly said; 'Gone fishing'

Fai stepped back, disbelieving. Why had no one told him that he was supposed to go fishing instead of ending up at the dimension bitch's place? He suddenly felt cheated out of life. No, he shook his head, that was not important right now.

"What? How could you abandon your duty like that? You are so fired!"

"Chi is sorry but it was lonely!" she looked away, her voice trembling and spilling with emotion. "That's why Chi came here. To find someone for me and only me, someone who is kind and considerate. Chi wants a…a real man!" she cried.

Though they stood on a cold, wind-swept field, tumbleweed rolled past them and into the distance.

"…So…why are you coming to me?"

"Chi came because she realised that Fai is the one!"

"I am?" Fai pointed a finger at himself, unsure if they were talking about the same person.

"And that Fai will respect Chi's decision to live in chaste!"

"I will?" he said, seriously beginning to doubt that they were indeed referring to the same person because no, he wasn't the world's horniest bastard in the world, he just had TLC issues.

Ignoring Fai's cautious disposition, she continued. "Chi has been thinking…"

"Oh God, here we go."

"Ever since Fai warped my body into a net in order to restrict the one person he fears more than anyone else, I knew that it was love! Ever since Fai left, prepared to never return again and left me without anyone else, I knew that Fai was the one!"

"Don't forget putting you in potential danger whilst I went gallivanting off through space and time."

She nodded vigorously. "So Fai will be with Chi? Forever and ever?"

He laughed absently, scratching the back of his head with a hand. "Well, you see, the thing about that is…Oh my God what the hell is that!?"

"Huh?" Chi turned to see what her creator was pointing at with such a look of horror stricken across his face. As she turned, she moved to face a clear blue sky.

"To your right."

"Huh?" she turned the other way.

On the other side, bright pink signs hovered in the sky, stating many universal truths.

"Gay porn found here," Chi read curiously, "Watanuki sucks - "

"To your far right," Fai said, exasperated.

She swivelled around again.

Another vortex had been born in the sky, swirling and spewing grey mist onto the cold land. From its centre, a cloaked figure jumped out, landing before them with a regal air.

"Fai!" the figure rose to full height, bellowing furiously.

"Oh shit, it's Ashura!"

"Fai! I finally found you!" Ashura cried furiously.

"A - Ashura-ou!" he backed away, ready to run. "Now listen, I can explain! You see, I accidentally blew up your life-time supply of pantene pro-v!"

The king's face dropped. "You did what?"

Confused blink number four. "Didn't you know?"

"You imbecile! Do you know how hard it is to get hair this silky?" Ashura ran a hand through his inhumanly silky black locks.

Fai smiled warily, backing…away…slowly because there is nothing scarier than a homicidal monarch under threat of a bad hair day.

"I - I found you something better, something new! It's called L'oreal because…because you're worth it."

"What part of 'sensitive scalp' don't you understand?"

Ashura made to grab him but Chi quickly interposed herself between them, her arms spread wide in defiance.

"Do not touch Fai!"

"Oh great, you brought your little pet!" he sneered.

"Fai is Chi's one and only!"

"Listen, Fai, don't let that minx trick you. If you start sleeping with Chi, you'll start bedding boars and humping horses too!"

"Apparently, she wants to live in chaste," he replied dryly. Damn, he needed to get laid.

"At least Chi is Fai's shampoo buddy!" she retorted.

Ashura's stumbled back horror-stricken. His eyes positively bulged. "Whaaat?"

"Don't take it personally Ashura, it's - it's just a coincidence that we use the same shampoo," Fai held up innocent hands.

"Herbal essences. Every blonde's number one choice!" Chi grinned.

Stop.

Pause.

She shook her hair out, her blond locks waving in slow motion as they caught the sun. Glinting in the morning air, shimmering in the sunlight, she tossed her head from side to side to the slow beat of music. Oh yeah, shake it baby.

Resume.

Ashura's eyebrow began twitching. A very bad sign indeed. "I could have always bought more pantene," he seethed, "I could have gotten over you sealing me and putting me to sleep, I can always clean up those bodies from the castle but this - this! I will not stand this kind of betrayal!"

He made an attempt to lunge at Fai again but Chi, between the two of them, performed a series of complex Celesian martial arts moves known to most other worlds as 'kicking him in the balls' and grabbed Fai's wrist as Ashura keeled over.

At this point, Fai was more than ready to run with her.

At this point, he was wondering what the hell was going on.

At this point, he was also wondering is jelly babies could breed, but that was far from the point.

"Fai," Chi panted as they flew across the field. "Please, Fai, stay with Chi."

They stopped as the grassy, frost-tinted field suddenly burst into bloom. Wild flowers of all shapes and colours sprang from the earth all around them. Petals danced in the sudden warm breeze that rose. A violin played in some distant corner of the vast cosmos.

"I will, I'll stay with you forever, I promise," he whispered, caressing the side of her face. Pink petals swirled around them, covering them in a snow storm of blossom. "And on that note," Fai pulled away as the flowers receded back into the earth and the music abruptly stopped. "Chi, will you please become a brick wall so that Ashura will have to bull past you in order to get to me?"

"Of course!" she yipped happily.

Fai nodded and stood back, calling his magic to him. In a flash Chi was replaced by a square metre of brick wall.

"It works every time!" he cackled, running off into the distance.

Yet he did not get far before his shampoo-deficient patriarch was upon him again.

"Fai!" Ashura ran towards Chi, swerving around the brick wall in his bid to catch the blond.

"So people can go around walls too. Ingenious!" Fai clicked his fingers, storing this valuable piece of information in his three-second memory for future reference.

"Fai!" Ashura had caught up to him in a second, using his 'super-bishounen speed skillz111'

There was no choice but for Fai to grimly turn around, smiling sweetly as he asked, "Did you sleep well Ashura-ou?"

As you've guessed, it's Ashura and Fai up next and yes, I am being paid by various shampoo companies to include advertisments in this fic. My first deliberate attempt at crack.