The village was silent and the calmness echoed. Flakes of white snow gently drifted down, passing darkened windows on their trek to the ground.
Wearing a thin, white nightgown, curled up on her bed and facing the window sat a petite woman with light, pink hair. Her apple green eyes – once wild-green – were dull and empty.
Her friends, they tried to remind her about the childhood missions, the sunny days when her hair swayed in the wind and her eyes danced. They remember her as a cheerful child, a loving soul, a warm friend who would listen earnestly and reply with honesty. They drop by, hearts filled with sympathy and empathy. As she began to close herself in, they began to resent her.
Why wasn't she letting me in? Ino frowned, glancing back as she closed the door to the small apartment. This isn't the Sakura I knew. She was always so open, so bright… her friend felt the first shards of bitterness well up in her heart, and it tainted her bright memories of her childhood friend.
Her acquaintances, people she barely knew, heard the stories. They spoke with judgement, and looked down on the girl who almost gave up her life for the village traitor… "girls, you know, they're still young." The housewives glanced at each other knowingly, as if their age proved their intelligence and authority.
One day, she realized she no longer remembered how long it has been since she heard her own voice. Her doorbell no longer rang.
It was as if the world had finally decided to let Sakura Haruno slip through its cracks.
Sakura lifted her head.
The quiet suited her.
In the beginning, it was shame that kept her quiet. Now that he was branded a traitor, she had to be careful. She tried to get rid of her feelings. She avoided everyone she knew, except the ones who barged into her apartment.
He had no feelings for her. They were nothing. The fantasies she held for years, the secret kindness she remembered in vivid detail from their childhood, they were all in her mind. The cruel, harsh reality told her it was not that he did not like her… he did not even think of her.
Those sleepless nights, where she giggled imagining scenarios when they went on a date, ate ramen together, saw cherry-blossom trees, or went exploring in the lush forests nearby. Where she would find out how much he really understands, how much he secretly wants to cherish her, where she would learn secrets about him no one else knew. Where she could free her heart, and free her mind, and finally allow it to trust.
The hurt she suffered that she could barely understand and express in words, maybe he would understand. After all, they were similar in many ways… Weren't they?
"Only shallow girls think of fantasies where boys come in and sweep them off their feet." Tenten grinned at a young Sakura, whose green-eyes widened, as she jumped down from an oak tree. "Go out there and make things happen, Sakura. You have to take charge of your own happiness."
Sakura did not think she was a shallow girl. She did think he was cute, but it wasn't the first thing that drew her to him. It was the way he acted, and she was just merely curious. Why did a boy his age act so sullen? Was there any way she could help? Why was he not happy? Aren't children all supposed to be happy?
She still remembered the polka-dotted dress she wore in the Ninja Academy the day she first talked to him. Wide-eyed, she peeked out from behind the bushes.
To where he was sitting alone. Always alone.
He never seemed to mind being alone.
But her naïve self shook her head. How was it possible for someone to not mind being alone? She was scared of the dark. She was scared of being alone. How did he do it? She was curious. She allowed herself to approach him, slowly.
He only looked up when she became within reach.
Those eyes were so dark, yet they were so bright. Under the sun which warmed the earth and the sweet-smelling wind that passed by, she stared at him.
He was so interesting. His eyes were dark, but there was something deep about them. They were pretty, but they were not uncaring.
"What do you want?"
She swallowed. She wanted to ask him if he really did eat alone all the time. But nothing came out. A faint blush spread across her cheeks as she realized she couldn't say a word.
"H-hi. I'm Sakura." She remembered her manners in time and smiled shyly. "You must be… Sasuke."
He blinked, and momentarily he looked younger than his age. He nodded, and his posture relaxed. "I am."
"I wanted to ask…" She began quietly, and to her surprise, he didn't seem annoyed.
They had a conversation that day. He talked more openly than she'd expected. He explained that his parents were busy taking care of the household, and the large age gap he had with his brother meant he had gotten used to playing by himself. She laughed, and explained how it was boring having no siblings around.
"It does sound like fun to have a brother." Sakura said with a smile.
"My brother is the best." When he smiled, his large, dark eyes turned warm. His voice was proud. She liked it. She liked how someone who seemed cold on the outside could be so warm once she started the conversation.
See? All it takes is the courage to start the conversation. Sakura said to herself as she walked home, skipping through the streets. The sun was a little brighter and the grass was a little greener. The older ladies on the streets seemed to notice the cheerful, pink-haired girl. She smiled to herself.
Nothing was the same after the massacre. They never talked again, except on missions and for brief periods when they had to. Yet, she did not forget the warmth that he openly emitted the first day they met.
She learned to look for it, instead of expecting it. It was there. It was subtle but she knew it was there. It showed in those moments during missions where he looked out for Naruto, rose up to protect her against kunai when she was down, or wordlessly took the last shift for the night when everyone was asleep.
As she grew older, she heard the girls talking about him. "He's so hot but he must be so messed up…" She tensed, the half-full grocery bag sagging on one arm as she held a tomato with the other.
"He seems like a jerk but who cares when you have a face like that." The other girl retorted, glancing down at the tomato stand. "I bet all the ninja girls are all over him, maybe even the teachers, who knows if that's why he's rising so fast in the ranks."
Thinking back, Sakura wished she said something. She wished she did throw the tomato at them. But she didn't, because she realized that it would change nothing. And she didn't know why she cared. He's only a friend to me.
She only realised when they left that the tomato was bleeding in her hands.
The mission when he agreed to go with a burning fever, she tried to talk to the Hokage to let him off.
"He didn't say anything." The Hokage glanced at Sakura, surprised yet with kindness in his eyes. "And you know it is within the code to handle missions in all types of conditions. Sakura, child. You may be young and you may not realize, when a country sinks into war the people must be ready for anything."
She trailed behind Naruto and Sasuke, silent and cautious. She stared at the fan pattern on his back. Would he be all right? What if something happened to him—to them? What if this was the mission where it all ended?
He glanced back at her, as if he sensed her thoughts. His pale complexion was slightly flushed, but his eyes seemed to pause a little as their eyes met.
Sakura quickly averted her gaze. It wasn't right to look at him like that. What if he thought she liked him? She felt her face heating up. What if he thought she was one of those shallow girls who liked him because he was pretty?
I am not a shallow one of those shallow girls. She decided with an uncharacteristic determination. I am better than that. I will work hard to understand him as a person. As a friend. As a… She suddenly stopped.
That day, Sakura realized she wanted more from him than just friendship. She wasn't sure exactly what it was. Maybe it was her teenage hormones. She wanted to understand, to learn about him and what kinds of foods he likes or dislikes. What kinds of political opinions he has. What kinds of songs he likes to sing in the shower. Whether he likes birthdays or puppies, or if he approves of the recently established Ichiraku restaurant. She also wanted him to be curious about her in that way.
Maybe this is what the first stages of love felt like. Or was it merely an infatuation? She did not ask out loud. If she did, they would just assume she was one of those girls who liked him because he was the last Uchiha, and he was good looking. Or that she was seeking attention.
No. This would be her secret. She would cherish it, and bury it deep in her heart. But a one-sided love hurt. Every time she saw those beautiful, deep eyes and the occasional warmth that slipped out when he laughed, when he smiled, her heart hurt a little. Her visions of romance moved a little further from reach, because he was almost perfect.
And she was just… Sakura. She didn't even know if she liked herself. How can she expect someone else to cherish her as much as she cherished him?
Another fangirl, as far as anyone was concerned.
That night when he left, she realized for the last time that no matter what she wished for, no matter how many nights she spent thinking about the things he does and says, it would not change. It's impossible to put feelings where they don't exist. It's impossible for make someone who did not care for her to care for her. Her brain was on the right track, but her emotions have not caught up. They have been spoiled by years of dreamless fantasies and years of secrecy.
She discovered the next morning, waking up on the cold bench, that her dreams had been buried so deep they had started to ferment and rot. She felt the pain she worked so hard to ignore all these years. It hurt to have a one-sided love. It was no longer a crush. It was no longer an infatuation. It was an emotion that had been growing in secret, and it had been left unchecked for too long.
It had begun to turn on her. It had begun to turn on her when the response from the one person she looked up to all these years was … nothing. He did not even think of her. Yet her thoughts were filled with him.
Sakura shut herself in her room for the first month. It was pathetic. She faked illness, but she was ashamed. The truth was too clear. He did not remember their conversation. All these years she had been lying to herself. She knew her friends knew the reason, but she never admitted to it.
"It's because of that bastard, isn't it?" Ino snapped, slamming a bag of apples unto the wooden table in the middle of Sakura's room. "Get a hold of yourself, Sakura! You're no longer a young child. If you parents were still alive they would say the same thing." Her worried, blue eyes softened and her voice became weaker.
"Sakura, please." She pleaded. "Don't stay in your room anymore. We are worried. We want you back. Everyone is worried."
Sakura smiled faintly. "I'll be fine. I just need some time, Ino." Her arms rubbed the thin sweater she was wearing.
Ino glanced down at Sakura. "Have you been eating?" She asked suddenly.
"Of course." Sakura lied. "I'll finish these apples in a couples days, I love apples." She smiled, and it felt fake to herself.
Ino sighed. "I don't know why you're doing this to yourself. He's not worth it. He's just a guy."
Sakura smiled faintly again.
It was pathetic. It was stupid. She was immature. She didn't have any experience with love. That's why she mistook these emotions for love and is desperately trying to cling unto them. She should have studied harder when she was in the Academy, then she wouldn't have time to worry about all this nonsense. If she didn't have her head in the clouds since she was young, she would be different. She wouldn't be so easily tripped up when Sasuke Uchiha became a traitor.
She heard them all, loud and clear.
She heard them all talk about her.
She used to pretend it was all right, and made sure the door was closed when she cried. Sometimes, she would remember something and her heart would ache. She wasn't sure why, but the tears came nonetheless and she felt like her chest was going to burst.
She tried to understand her own emotions, and she tried to sort them out. Why did she feel sad? Her friends asked her if there was anything they could do. All she needed was some time alone… right? Time alone turned into days, and months.
Her friends have stopped asking.
They've all stopped talking.
They don't try to stop her when she reports into missions. Her eyes began to empty as she went on more and more missions. Nothing really mattered anymore. It was pathetic, but her one dream was to be with him. To see that warmth in his eyes. To feel what she felt, once, years ago. To feel connected on a different level with someone else, that she has never felt before. She pretended to laugh, to eat, to smile.
Soon, it began to feel natural to pretend. When she came home, she was no longer scared of feeling lonely and she was no longer scared of being alone. It felt natural. She had no desire to see people, they drained her energy.
She just wanted to sit alone, in the dark.
But somewhere along the aloneness, it was no longer loneliness. She had begun to accept herself on a different level. She decided, finally decided for herself, that no matter what other people said, it was not shameful to love someone. Emotions are emotions, and the ones that have passed are unchangeable. It became part of her history, and she had begun to accept this.
It was not shameful. It was a part of who she was as a person, as a young child. She wanted him. She wanted to know about him. She wanted to explore the world with him. But he didn't. He had no feelings for her. He did not know that she liked him, or that she had hurt because of him. He had no way of knowing, and it was not Sasuke's fault. Nothing could be changed about that, because it is history.
Slowly, and gradually, Sakura decided it there was enough time spent on grieving for a past she had no fault in. She realized she was blaming herself for the hurt she had hidden deep within her heart all these years. She realized that the first step to loving someone else was learning to love herself. And to understand herself.
Being alone, surprisingly, helped her to understand herself. The world does not operate how she likes. A one-sided love hurts, but there is no reason to stay within the dark hole in her heart. As she accepted and decided that it wasn't pathetic, the wound began to heal.
Sakura looked up. She stared past the wooden table to the large snowflakes that were drifting slowly down from the sky. In the dark room, the moonlight drew long, dark shadows across her bright-coloured hair.
It is time to move on. There has been enough time spent on grieving. The world is still open to her. And it is not too late.
Just as the snowflakes are drifting gracefully and leisurely in the windless night, she will be all right. She felt at peace, and calm with herself. She didn't remember ever feeling this way.
She imagined a day where she would see Sauske Uchiha in person. She would look at him in the eye, and say nothing. Because there is nothing to say. She had forgiven him. She had forgiven herself.
Sakura uncrossed her legs, swinging them gracefully over the bed. All of a sudden, she yearned to take a walk. It was late, but she suddenly wanted to take a stroll in the snow. She no longer only wanted to stare at the snowflakes, but to feel the icy, refreshing cool on her skin.
The pink-haired girl changed into warm, winter clothing and grabbed two apples from the table. As she closed the door of the apartment before her, she turned back to stare at her sanctuary. She was grateful it provided her a place to think about her thoughts.
Just like the snowflakes that were drifting down slowly from the sky, she began to see suffering as a natural part of life. She had matured and she had learnt how to forgive and how to accept. Forgetting is for later, but for now… She smiled softly as she felt the cold air on her face.
She was ready for the world now.