Nicky stood, surrounded by inmates, catching up with her friends and family. Lorna was at her side, consistently grabbing her sleeve, hanging on to the back of her khakis, or linking her arm with Nicky's. She was like one of those damned monkeys that rides around on its mom's back. Nicky didn't shrug her off though, she just hoped this phase would pass.

She loved Lorna to death, but the clingy? Not so much. She understood how much Lorna need that connection though. Nicky needed it too right then. She couldn't believe she was back with everyone. It all felt surreal.

Piper came over to greet her and it was such a relief. The blond looked happy to see her, but it was different. There were no kid gloves. Sure there was relief, but for the most part Piper acted like they were friends just catching up after summer break. Maybe she didn't get the levity of what Nicky had been through or maybe she just knew how much Nicky wanted everyone to treat her normal again.

Normal.

Normal wasn't a descriptor for people like her. People like her were unstable, chaotic, selfish… but never normal. Nicky lost a little bit of her enthusiasm as she thought about the only reunion that mattered. Surely the news that she was back had already made it through the Litchfield grapevine. She didn't even know if Red would seek her out or hide away in her kitchen, pretending she no longer existed.

Red cared. There was never a doubt in Nicky's mind about that. It was more a question of whether she would let Nicky back in or not. Trust was a fragile thing and even love wasn't always enough to build it back up. If she were being completely honest with herself, Nicky wasn't sure if she could handle Red loving her. Not after the past few days - she didn't deserve it.

Nicky brushed the thoughts away, partaking in a little banter with Chapman. It seemed easy. She was good at it. People, jokes, working a room - Nicky was a great entertainer. Right now, she needed that kind of distraction. Anything to help her push down the emotions that were thrashing to get out. All she wanted to do was go find Red. Find her and try to explain. Try to make her understand. Maybe she didn't deserve it. Maybe facing Red she wouldn't be able to accept it. God, she wanted it though.

It seemed impossible.

She just needed to get the pain over with. There was no way in Nicky's mind that she would be welcomed. No way that she would receive anything other than cold distance and disappointment. She deserved it too - all of it. How many times could she hurt someone before they gave up? It was inevitable.

There was just as much a chance that Red might smack her across the face as there was that she might hug her. Red was never predictable in how she handled things, especially Nicky. She knew she was different to the older woman. She had always been treated differently. Sometimes it was great, but other times tough love didn't begin to describe it.

There was no doubt in her mind - she would gratefully take the slap, as long as it meant that Red was there. That she was a presence in her life once more - that was never too far away. She could even handle it if Red never spoke to her again - at least she thought she could. Just as long as she was there. Nicky felt something click back into place and suddenly she could breathe again.

Everything had been so backasswards since she'd been back - she expected the slap. She expected angry words. She would come face to face with the one person she cared about most and it would all crumble for good. The feeling didn't last long.

Nicky felt Lorna tense beside her. The crowd broke and she heard a gasp. Red had come for her. As soon as Nicky lay eyes on her all of her anxiety melted away. She didn't even know if Red was angry or not, but that didn't matter.

Before she knew it, Red was walking towards her. Maybe it was the look on her face, or something in her eyes, or maybe Nicky just knew but Red was happy to see her. She looked so grateful, that when she reached out to hug her, Nicky hesitated.

It only lasted a second, probably missed by the others, but she had. Nicky thought the hug might break her down. That she would start crying here, in front of everyone, pleading with Red not to hate her - as she told her all the ways she had screwed up.

Nicky hadn't taken the drugs when she'd been sent down the hill. Red didn't know that though. Red didn't know that she'd broken down and used only the day before. Nicky felt sick. The one person she never wanted to disappoint was here and didn't even know about her betrayal yet.

Maybe she did. Red had a way of figuring out things - things she should have no way of knowing. She was here now though. Here and looking at Nicky like she'd just given her the moon. It hurt. It hurt so much. Nicky wanted to run. She didn't know if she could be accepted so unconditionally without breaking.

When Red grabbed her, pulling her to her, across the gab that stood between them. All Nicky knew how to do was collapse against her and let Red make things alright again. Even if it was only temporary. Even if things weren't real. She didn't want to think about anything other than the moment she was in.

Nicky curled into the embrace and clutched onto Red like she had during detox. That was the first time Red had held her. Nicky didn't like to let her walls down and Red didn't push. Moments like there were rare. Both women just held on wanting to make it last.

Nicky felt the vibration of Red talking through her chest, but didn't hear what she said. Something about things not being rushed. Nicky closed her eyes. She wasn't ready to let go. Felling Red's arms tight around her Nicky couldn't remember why she didn't seek this out more often.

All she could focus on was the feeling of being touched by someone else. She had been so fucking lonely in max. She had put her walls up and they stayed that way. It was exhausting. Nicky played tough - and she was, but Nicky was also a little bit broken. Sometimes, she just needed to be loved.

The feeling of surrendering to her own helplessness and letting the weight of fear leave her temporarily, made her pull Red even closer. Red smelled like home. She lay her head against Red's shoulder and let the other woman rock her gently - grounding her. The older woman always knew how to quiet her down, tame her wild frantic feelings and thought, and make her feel secure - safe. Red didn't just smell like home. She was Nicky's home.

It was only when Red moved a hand behind her head and began kissing her temple that Nicky pulled away. She saw a brief look of hurt pass across Red's face and then - understanding. Nicky was on the verge of falling apart and refused to do that in front of everyone. That was something private. Something for them only.

"Come by the kitchen later. We'll catch up," Red said, voice soft in understanding. She reached over and grabbed Nicky's hand in hers, not quite ready to break the connection.

Nicky swallowed hard and nodded. "I will Ma. I'll come by soon."

Red squeezed Nicky's hand and then let go. She started to walk away.

"Hey Mom," Nicky called after her. When she had Red's attention all her features changed.

She wasn't the angry teenager ready to fight anybody that got in her way or tried to force her to behave. That Nicky was filled with a complex combination of guilt and anger, cloaking the real fear underneath.

Nicky wasn't the pouting fearful child either, upset that she wasn't getting the attention that she was starved for. That girl had bruised feelings and a fear of abandonment that would never go away.

This was her Nicky, sweet and kind, loving and gentle. This was the girl who lived in the moments when everything settled and drama was stilled. She wasn't looking for a quick fix or expecting things to turn out for the worst. She wasn't hardening herself against the pain. She was just innocent and ready to be loved.

Red saw the gratitude and knew things would be okay. "What is it sweet girl?"

Nicky walked towards her. She looked almost shy. "I just wanted to say I love ya." She raised up on her toes and kissed Red on the cheek.

Red cupped Nicky's face and looked at her, amused at how much Nicky had grown since she'd first showed up at Litchfield. "I know you do. I love you too, Nicky, so much. Now, go catch up with your friends. You and I will talk later." She stroked her thumb across Nicky's cheek and left.