Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. Ot the title of this fic. Tis borrowed from my dearest Roxanna
I would also like to inform you that I have never watched it. I got into the fanfiction through Roxanna and she dared me to write one. So I did. Hope you like it.
WARNING: May be triggering.
Nick didn't know what had made him walk into this particular room. He had no idea why his feet had carried him into the bathroom. He hadn't needed to go, not in the slightest. He didn't understand why his body had decided it needed to be in that room. All he knew was that he was glad he was there.
When he had walked in, the first thing he had noticed was Jeff.
The taller boy had his knees draw to his chest, his chin resting on them. His blond hair, normally styled to perfection, hung around his face, limp. His normally joyous hazel eyes were lifeless and glazed. They didn't move when Nick entered. His wore blue jeans, faded with time and wear. His arms were wrapped around his calves, showing off his black, long-sleeved top. From just below the hem of his jeans poked a pair of socked toes. One sock was a plain, apple green, the other sea blue stripped.
Nick walked over to where his friend sat, trying to be as quiet as possible. Slowly he slid down the wall, next to Jeff. He studied the younger boy's profile. Jeff's features looked sharp and striking in the artificial lighting. Nick swore he would never admit it out loud but he loved how sharp Jeff's jaw line was against the smooth curves of his throat. He sat next to the blond, staring curiously at the empty look on his face. As he memorised Jeff's profile, a silence built up around them.
The soft sounds of their breath swarming around the room calmed Jeff. Maybe the internal struggle he was fighting had shown. Maybe it hadn't. But he was glad Nick was there. He couldn't admit it for fear of scaring off his closest friend, but Nick's gentle nature calmed the blond. It was one of the reasons Jeff had fallen for the brunette.
"Heya," Jeff whispered. Despite the softness of his voice, the word cracked through the silence.
"Hi," Nick responded his own voice barely rising above a whisper. The husky nature of the brunette boy's voice sent small shivers down Jeff's spine. "What's up, Jeffers?"
When Jeff didn't respond, Nick watched his face, trying to see if it would give a clue to that the blond was thinking. Nothing changed, which scared the brunette. Jeff's face was normally and open book.
"I have a secret." Jeff finally whispered, burying his face into his knees.
"You can tell me," Nick whispered, lifting his hand to rest on the blonds forearm. He watched the blonde's fists clench.
Slowly, hazel orbs latched onto brown. Jeff's piercing gaze felt like it was searing into Nick's soul.
"Promise not to judge me?" the blond asked, his eyes pleading with the brown haired child.
Nick nodded his head anxiously. Jeff's behaviour was scaring him, but he knew that, whatever the blond was hiding, he needed Nick to be strong for him. So, Nick fought to keep the fear off his face and gave his friend what he hoped was a reassuring look.
Jeff stared at his crush for a few moments longer. Then, he pulled his eyes away from the mesmerizing brown eyes and stared at his knees. He carefully unwrapped his arms from around his legs. He rolled up the left leg of his jeans and pulled of his sock. His right leg blocked Nicks view. But then he pulled up that jean's leg and pulled off that sock. He ignored the gasp that came from nick and pushed up his left sleeve. He laid his arm across his knees, forearm up. His hand was tipped back, showing his wrist to the brunette.
Nick could see pink and white lines across both of Jeff's ankles. They were clustered there, where they could be hidden by his clothes. Some overlapped with others. Some were darker and thicker, clearly having been deeper. And both his ankles were surrounded by these scars. The tops of his feet were covered by newer marks, some just past the scabbing stage. Nick pulled his eyes away from the scars to something far more fearful. Across Jeff's wrist was three, red lines. There didn't look deep. They looked like scratches, thin as paper cuts. But they scared Nick the more than the scars.
But they weren't what scared him the most. What scared him the most was how he had not seen it. He and Jeff had shared a room for ages. He had seen Jeff get dressed. And he had never noticed. Part of him wondered if he had missed it because he didn't want to see it.
However, most of his mind was trying to process his emotions, giving itself little time to think. He was scared and lost and so many more things he couldn't explain or describe. He didn't know what to do, how to react, to behave. He could feel Jeff's eyes on him, waiting for him to move to react.
What he didn't know was the Jeff was waiting for him to run. He was scared that his friend would hate him or be disgusted by him. He needed Nick, more than he would admit to. But he still needed him.
Nick raised his eyes to Jeff's, not sure how he felt. But when he saw the fear in his roommate's eyes, he knew what to do. Something inside of him guided him as he wrapped his arms around Jeff and held him as close as he could. The blond tensed for a moment, before breaking down. Tears streaked down his cheeks and sobs began to rack his body. Nick just wrapped his arms tighter and pulled Jeff into his lap, cradling close to his heart. He rocked the blond, murmuring sweet nothings in an attempt to calm him. He let Jeff's tears soak his shirt as his fists clenched in the fabric, pulling himself closer the brunette's chest like it was the only thing holding him to the earth.
They stayed like that until Jeff stopped sobbing. Nick's legs had gone dead and he could feel a crick forming in his back from where he had been sat against the hard walls off the bathroom. When Jeff's tears stopped and Nick was left with a hiccupping wreck in his arms, the brunette moved and grabbed Jeff's socks in his hand. He manoeuvred his body from under Jeff's pulling the blond to stand with him.
"Let's go to our room," the brown haired boy reasoned, tugging the blond gently towards the door. Jeff pulled back for a minute, making sure his jeans covered his feet and ankles and that his sleeve was pulled down. When he was done, he linked his right hand into Nick's left and let the brunette lead him through the school to their room.
There, nick sat down on his bed and pulled Jeff down with him. He moved to sit opposite the blond, his legs crossed in front of him. Jeff mimicked him. As they sat, an awkward silence built up around them.
"So," Jeff said, drawing out the word when he wouldn't take the silence any longer. His eyes darted around the room nervously.
"You really did that to yourself, didn't you?" Nick whispered, looking away, scared of the answer.
Jeff nodded, mumbling something that sounded like "yeah". He stared at his hands, shame flaming up his face.
"Why?" Nick asked, a hint of begging in his voice.
Jeff tensed and shook his head. "I'm sorry…" he muttered.
"Please, Jeff," Nick begged. "I want to help."
Jeff lifted his head. His hazel eyes latched onto brown ones. He saw the need to understand and help shining in the surface of those depthless orbs. But, underneath that, he could see the worry and caring and love that burned brightly.
Nick could see the fight going on inside Jeff's head. He could see that the blond wanted to tell him, but was scared. He wanted, no needed Jeff to know that he didn't need to be scared.
"Jeffers?" he question, catching the blonde's attention. "No matter what it is, I promise I won't leave you. I'll be here until the end." He knew it was a tall order, but he could do it.
Jeff looked at Nick. The sincerity in his eyes cracked him. He pulled his eyes away from Nick's and, once again, focused on his hands. With a deep breath he began.
"It started because of the bullying at my old school. I figure that with some many people saying bad things about me, there had to be some truth in them. So, I got angry with myself. I thought I had to punish myself for being so bad, so ugly, so… so wrong.
"The first time, I scared myself because of the blood, even though there wasn't too much. But I realised that it worked. I felt better. So, next time they made me hate myself, I did it again and again and again. I keep going back because I knew it worked. But then my parents found out about how I was being bullied and they transferred me here.
"People were nice to me and liked me for me. They didn't think that I needed to change or anything. I realised that I shouldn't have been mad at myself and the cutting slowed down. I still did it but not nearly as much…"
He trailed off at that point. Nick sat, waiting for him to continue. But he didn't. So Nick waited some more. When it became apparent that Jeff wasn't going to continue without prompting, Nick spoke.
"But… What happened?"
"You came," Jeff whispered so quietly Nick had to strain to hear him. "And I fell for you." A tear slipped out of the blonds hazel eye.
Nick stopped breathing. Had Jeff just said he had a crush on Him?
"And I knew you could never fall from someone like me," the blond continued, not noticing Nick's reaction. "I wanted to be with you, but you were too good for me and I knew it. And I got so angry at myself for not being good enough for you that I started cutting again. And that made it worse because then I became even less worthy, so I cut more."
Suddenly, Jeff lifted his head and meet Nicks eyes. "I knew that if I wanted you to love me back, I had to stop, but I couldn't. I still can't…"
Nick could see it in Jeff's eyes. He wanted to stop. He wanted Nick to help him.
"I do love you Jeffers," Nick whispered, moving closer to the blond.
"What?" Jeff exclaimed, shock now etched into his face.
"I do love you Jeff. I have for a while now," Nick confessed. "But I always believed you were too good for me and would never love me back."
Jeff stared at him, his mind too shocked to function. Nick stared at Jeff, waiting to see how he reacted. Nick bit his lip; desperately wanting to kiss Jeff's parted lips. Slowly he leant forward until he could feel Jeff's breath on his lips. He hesitated for a second, before pressing his lips to Jeff's. The blond sat still for a second, before his hand wound its way into Nick's hair. His other hand wrapped around Nick's neck, pulling him closer. Nick wrapped both his arms around Jeff's waist, pulling the blond into his lap.
The kiss was slow and soft, but it had a hard edge. Their tongues tangled and explored. It was comfort and love and all the things the things that they needed to feel. It was acceptance.