Author's Note: Hey guys! This is my first Brokeback Mountain fic. It's one of my favourite films and I love the short story, too. I haven't written fic of any kind for a long time, so I hope I'm not too rusty. If you like it, leave me a review, if you don't, leave me a review and tell me what I need to change. I've been reading some other BBM fics on here and they're all so lovely, I can only hope I can weave the same kind of story
As always, all characters, places, most everything doesn't belong to me, I'm just borrowing them for a while.
Ennis gathered Jack up in his arms, holding him so close to his body, so close that Jack could feel Ennis's heartbeat against his back. They lay in silence, only the sound of their breathing permeating the darkness. Jack looked down at his hands which were being held be Ennis's bigger ones, his skin rough and warm.
"What are we gonna do, cowboy?" Jack murmured.
His question lingered in the air, unanswered and pressing down on Ennis.
"What do you mean?" It took the taller man a while to answer, mostly because he didn't know how, "We'll do what we always do. Why do you keep askin' me this?"
"So, we're gonna say goodbye tomorrow mornin', and I gotta go back to my wife and every time I fuck her, I'm gonna see your face, and bite my lip so hard that it bleeds just so that I don't shout your name instead of hers, and when we're done, I'm gonna have to lay there next to her and think about the next time I'm gonna get to see you?" He let go of Ennis's hands and ran one of his through his hair, "Ennis, then when I do see you, which ain't nearly enough, friend, not nearly enough, all I can do is think about when you're gonna have to leave. There ain't nothin' I hate more'n thinkin' about when I'm not gonna have you with me anymore."
"I'm sorry, Jack."
"You're always sorry."
"There ain't nothin' I can do about this." Ennis sighed, "I wish I could."
"You can." Jack felt like they were talking in circles every time they spoke like this, but he didn't have it in him to give up, he couldn't quit.
"What can I do, Jack? Fuck, I can't do a damned thing about this."
Jack stared at him. Everything was so obvious to him. It wasn't that Ennis couldn't do anything, it was that he didn't want to, "Ennis. You're gonna tell me the goddamn truth right now, Cowboy," He noted how his nickname translated from loving to angry so fluidly, "If you don't wanna be with me, you tell me right now. I'll leave, I'll find somethin' to do, I'll go back to Lurleen and be miserable for the rest of my goddamn life." Jack's voice was growing louder and louder as he spoke and he was no longer leaning against Ennis. He was leaning forward, shouting at the bed, "But if you want to be with me, Ennis Del Mar, you tell me and I'll do whatever you want me to do, because I can't imagine a life without you, but I can't do this no more."
Ennis pulled Jack back against his body but Jack struggled, throwing the other man's hands off him, elbowing his way out of his grip, "Jack!" He shouted, "Jack, please." He mumbled, "Please don't go doin' this to me, I can't do it."
"What, Ennis?"
"I can't make this decision."
"What decision is there to make?" Jack balled his fists and hit the mattress so hard that Ennis heard the springs hum, "Do you love me?"
Ennis nodded, "You know I do."
"Then there should be no choice." He twisted and stared into Ennis's eyes.
Ennis sighed, "Jack, don't do that." He tried to look away but he couldn't tear his eyes from Jack's pleading blue eyes, "I cannot do this."
"So that's how this is gonna end?" His voice was so soft and cut out at the end of his question and Ennis knew then that he was crying and tears threatened at his own eyes.
"I don't want this to end at all, Jack."
"Then don't let it, Ennis."
Ennis took a deep breath, and then let it out slowly. Temper had never been one of Ennis's strong points and it took very little for him to lose it, and he didn't want Jack to see that, but his insistence was frustrating beyond measure and all of a sudden he was so angry he could burst, "Jack, fuck. Jack, you are starting to get on my nerves. Do you think I want things to be like this? I don't got no other choice. What do you want from me? You want me to come and live with you? You wanna leave your wife and live with me somewhere. We'll be killed, Jack. Someone will find out, and they'll come and kill us."
Jack let out a breath and opened his mouth to speak.
"No, Jack. Listen. I ain't never felt as happy as I feel when I'm with you. I… I don't know how to even put this to words for you, but… You're all that I ever think about, I ain't got nothin' else in my life that makes me as happy as you do, except my girls, but I ain't seen them enough since Alma and me… But Jack Twist, when I'm holdin' you in my arms, I got everything… I got me the world. But, there's somethin' inside of me that hurts when I think about us bein' together always, I can't do it, I can't put my life on the line like that but more'n that, I can't put your goddamn life on the line because if you died and I was left behind because of me, I dunno what I'd do, Jack."
Jack said nothing, just rolled over to the furthest edge of the bed, curled up and went to sleep.
In the morning, Ennis woke up and Jack was gone. There was a note on the bed where Jack had slept that said simply, I quit.
Ennis pulled his knees up to his chest, hugged them close to his body and cried.