Toys on the Town
Chapter One
Salem the cat jumped through a window and landed in the yard on all four paws.
"Good thing cats always land on their feet," he said. "Now, where was I supposed to go again?"
He walked down the road and passed a cat with strangely formed eyes that resembled glasses. "You're a strange feline," he said to her.
She did not respond.
He went on, and soon found himself in a neighborhood. He went to read a sign. "Sycamore Street. Of course! That's where I'm supposed to be! Now, what was the number of the house I'm to visit? 1368? 1144? I was supposed to think of some holiday…"
"Easter was the last holiday that matters," said a squirrel who was sitting on a power line pole.
"Was I talking to you?"
"Yes."
"No, I wasn't. If I were, I would have addressed you as nutcase."
"If you're seeking holidays, perhaps it's 214 you need, for Valentine's Day."
"Doesn't sound right," Salem said. A car nearly drove into him but he jumped aside, landing on the nearest driveway.
"Maybe you need 317 for St. Patty's."
"No saint. I'm certainly it's not a saint."
"505 for Cinco de Mayo."
"It is not 505."
"How do you know?" asked the quirrel.
"Because that would create a 404 error, and Sabrina wouldn't send me here for 404 errors."
"This Sabrina. You are in love with her?"
"Of course not! I'm her familiar! Familiars cannot love their witches. It's forbidden."
"Denial is the first step to proving that it's true."
"That's it! I'm done talking to you! If you're going to insult me by claiming I'm in love with my witch, we have no further business."
Salem began trotting away. The squirrel followed, running across a power line.
"704, Independence Day."
"So I have to wait till July to be shot of you? Good riddance."
"1031. Halloween."
"I'll show you a 1031 if you keep following me."
"1225. Christmas."
"That's it! Christmas! Now I'm on the right track." Salem read the number on the nearest mailbox. It said 356. He went to the right and saw the number 358. "This must be the right way."
The squirrel tittered but Salem ignored it.
Salem got to the end of the road and read the mailbox sign. It said 402. "Where do I go now?"
"Perhaps you will fall down a rabbit hole and land where you need to go?"
"You are one annoying squirrel, you know that?"
"I have a right to be. You have trespassed into my neighborhood, after all."
"Tell me which way to go, you little rodent, or I'll come up there and give you a few scratches that you'll remember for the rest of your life."
"Okay, okay, keep your tail on. The house you seek is two streets thataway." The squirrel pointed in the direction he meant.
"Good thing I'm a cat and can jump over fences, or I would be very annoyed," Salem said. He went to the house across the street from 402, which was 403. He jumped over the fence and found himself just outside a doghouse. The dog within started yelping and rushed at Salem, gnashing at him with its teeth. Salem only managed to get away because the dog's owner threw a broom at it, having not seen the cat, and the dog fell into a heap.
The squirrel whooped. "Fun, eh?"
"Fun for you. You can walk across power lines."
"I had to use the trees to get here, buddy. Power lines don't run criss-cross."
"Whatever you say." Salem went on through the yard he was currently in and jumped over the end fence for it. Then he was in the next street over from the first one he had been in. Here the end houses were numbered 846 and 847.
He leaped over the fence of 847 and hit a fire truck on the other side. "Is anything broken?" he asked himself, as he lay there.
"Nothing's broken except your spirit. Get up and continue on your quest."
"I'm getting the feeling that this is all being done for someone's amusement, namely yours," Salem said to the squirrel.
He got up and went over the next fence, into a yard that he was certain would be fine. But just as he reached the edge fence, something nipped him on the foot. He turned to see a crab there. The nip had been a pinch from its claws.
"Oh just what I always wanted to meet, a pet crab."
The crab jabbed at him with its pincers. Salem turned and tried to flick it away with his tail, but the crab seemed to obstinately refuse to be flung away. It pinched him on the tail and he screeched. The crab then pinched Salem's two front legs at the same time.
"Looks like someone could use some help," the squirrel said.
"You think?"
"Just say the word and I'll help you."
"I don't need heeeeeeelp!" Salem said,, the last word coming from a particularly painful pinch around his abdomen.
"I have some acorns with me. I can throw them. I'm not altogether selfish."
"No thanks. I can handle it," Salem said, though just then the crab had gotten hold of his nose and was pinching him first with one claw and then with the other.
"All it takes is one word."
"It's not going to happen."
But at this time the crab pushed Salem against the fence and had hold of his neck.
"One word," the squirrel repeated.
"Fine! Help! Throw the acorns before this bad excuse for a stew ingredient mauls me to an inch of my life!"
"Add the word 'please' to that and you've got yourself a deal."
"Will you just get me out of here? In a moment there won't be any of me to say 'please.'"
"You could have said it then," the squirrel said.
"Hurry!"
Acorns began raining down from where the squirrel was, and the crab backed away. Salem shook off a couple of acorns that had landed on his back and prepared to jump when an acorn hit him on the side of the head.
"Hey, watch where you're throwing those."
"You've got a quest to complete! Don't stop now!"
Salem shook himself and jumped over the fence. Then he strode across the last yard. Now he was in the street that the squirrel had indicated from the first.
"1240. So 1225 will be just a few houses down," he said, after reading the mailbox of the house belonging to the people who had a pet crab. He hoped he wouldn't meet any more of them and shuddered at the thought.
He went along the street till he came to the right house. The fence was white and he leaped over it.
"Guess you've made it to your destination," the squirrel said.
"I thought you were gone!"
"Couldn't miss the fun of seeing you arrive here. What's you going to do anyway, Spotty?"
"My name isn't Spotty; it's Salem. And I'm going to cough up a hairball."
"That's rather disgusting, Salem. Why would you want to do that?"
"I don't know. It's just what Sabrina told me to do."
"Well, don't mind if I don't watch," the squirrel said, turning his back on the scene.
Salem then started hacking and coughing, and in a moment a round orb emerged from his throat. "If only it were 2012," Salem said.
"What's that you just said?" asked the squirrel.
"It's what Sabrina told me to say."
Just then, there was a slight tremor in the earth. Then it ended.
"Uh, what just happened?" the squirrel asked.
"If Sabrina were here, she'd know. But she's not, so…"
"Why don't you go home to your lover and ask her?"
"She's not my lover. And even if I did like her, she's married."
"Oh, unrequited love. That's my favorite kind."
"I'm leaving," Salem said.
"I'll show you the door."
"We are in a neighborhood. Outdoors. There is no door."
"Sure there is. It's called the ozone layer."
"Oh right. You're going to show me the ozone layer. You. A squirrel."
"Hey, I saved your life back there with the crab!"
"So you did. And now you're making me hungry for crab."
"Well, I'm a herbivore, and don't eat meat, so I can't join you in the feast, but I can help you cook it."
"I like the sound of that."
And with that, Salem let the squirrel lead him back the way he came.
(The crab hid in a hole and Salem couldn't dig her out, for she was covered in dirt that his claws were not used to picking up. But at least she didn't try to use Salem as a pinching post again. She was too afraid of the acorns.)