Tranquil Web
Disclaimer: Mai HiME belongs to Sunrise.
The events here are partially driven from actual events I experienced.
---
The glow of the machines reflected eerily upon my face, illuminating its oddly calm features. Leaning slightly from my seat, I rested my hand on hers, gripping it tightly. It was already dark, lights were already out as it was past the visiting hours. The halls were dim, ever so slightly lighted by the elevator light as someone went in.
It was dark again.
It didn't matter; the faint green light emitted by the machines around her was enough to see. I raised my other hand towards her face, caressing it, feeling the rough texture of the bandages covering her face, carefully sweeping her short hair, noticing its uneven feel, carelessly cut by the hospital's barber.
Savoring every detail of her still form, I let a sad smile break, followed by a single tear, but no more. My grip firmed as I retracted my hand, and calmly felt the familiar object in my pocket, feeling its reassuring weight against my fingers.
I was still smiling, fragile, like a cob of webs, threatening to break by even a simple gesture, yet so resilient, trapping its preys by so innocently looking frail. Like that, I used it to fool the adults around me, pretending to be alright, pretending with an innocent childish smile, pretending to not have a breakdown, pretending, pretending…
Not anymore.
I stood and leaned closer towards her, whispering those simple words softly, "forgive me, Mama." I kissed her, and left.
Dragging my backpack carelessly by one hand, the other clinging to it protectively, I trudged through the dark halls of the hospital; ones that I had come to know so intimately during my countless visits, seeing her lying motionless without any progress each time. Time had frozen, both for her, and for me.
The exit was near.
Just a little bit more…
I welcomed the change from the comforting warmth to the deliriously cold wind of winter as I stepped outside. Ignoring the light drizzle drenching my beige uniform of Fuuka Gakuen primary school, I continued to move forward, eager to reach my final destination. It soon turned to a heavy downpour. The piercing wind and the rain subtly enhanced the numbness I was already feeling. Like everything, I welcomed it, quite gladly this time.
Soon I was frozen both inside and outside.
---
It didn't take long before I reached the place. A dark alley, located between abandoned buildings, a nest for scums. Here, no one would find me; no one would care if they saw my lifeless body lying there like a broken doll. I sat down carelessly against a stack of wooden crates, and pulled it out. A knife. I held it against my bare wrist, barely touching, yet enough to draw a trickle of blood.
"Nao…"
Forgive me…
Then I felt the full brunt of facing death. Adrenaline rushing, pupils dilating, I started gasping for breath. I was afraid. I was afraid of dying, but the promise of escape, salvation urged me forward as I made a cut.
Not deep enough.
My hand was shaking as I held the knife unsteadily against the shallow wound I inflicted.
I'm afraid…Mama…
I moved again, still unsteady with fear and doubt, but I knew that somehow this will be the final…
"Nao…"
Then an image entered my mind; an image of her waking up and not finding me, an image of her attempting the same thing as I did now. The sudden terror of realization struck me so severely. I threw away the knife with disgust, more towards myself, and for the hundredth time since that incident, broke down in tears.
Forgive me... Forgive me...
I lost not against fear, but against the selflessness of love.
I pulled my knees towards my chest, and sobbed silently. Perhaps I would continue staying that way if not for the presence looming before me. Slowly opening my eyes, I gazed at it, its fiendish armor showing reflecting the stare of my lifeless eyes back. My mind didn't allow me enough time to register the alien sight, and instead the sound of something clanking and falling caught my attention.
A dirty, rugged man stood there, staring wide eyed with shock at the creature behind me, a bottle of beer strewn carelessly on the ground. Despite the thick torrent of rain, I recognized him almost instantly; the man who killed my father and defiled my mother and butchered her as I lay trembling in fear, watching hopelessly.
The escaped convict.
A strange sensation enveloped my hands, and soon, metal flesh with deadly long nails replaced fragile human tissues. Like a switch being flicked on, I understood.
"Julia."
---
In place of the emotions I sacrificed to continue living, I, Yuuki Nao, learned hatred.
End
Even if I may not show any concern or shed any tear, then, and even now, my mind will always be with you. Forgive me for my inability to show my emotions, please know that it was the toughest time of my life, I was broken, I still am. I'm sorry, and I love you.
A love of a mother to her daughter may be infinite, but I can only say otherwise for the receiving end. We'll only realize our mistake when it's too late.