"I'm alright."

Gon grinned up at Killua from the ground, blood trickling from the side of his mouth. His body ached and his heart felt numb. But Killua needed to hear that he was okay, he could see that much in Killua's eyes. The death and destruction surrounding them from the battle they'd just had was powerful enough to break anyone. Especially Killua, who was only just learning to deal with his humanity. So Gon pulled himself together and stood up, hiding his shaking hands behind his back.

"Really?"

Killua searched Gon's warm chocolate eyes, a desperation in his own cerulean ones. Gon nodded with a small, happy exclamation.

"We won, didn't we?"

Had they? The ground was littered with the bodies of victims from the monster they'd destroyed. Despite Gon's screaming, they hadn't been able to save a single one. Killua's brow wrinkled into sadness as he looked around. He let himself feel it, let himself bathe in it. These people were dead because he and Gon weren't strong enough. The least he could do was mourn for them. But if he was this sad, Gon must be devastated. Right? He looked back up at Gon again, who was smiling. The smile only wavered a little bit.

"Yeah. I'm alright."

"I'm okay."

Gon's head hung so that a shadow covered his eyes, making it impossible to see them. Killua was kneeling beside him, shaking. A Hunter who made their Nen seem like butterfly wings beating against a hurricane had kicked Gon so hard it had taken Killua a day to find him. He hadn't been able to even stay in the Hunter's presence long enough to take a punch. He'd fled as fast as he could, following Gon's Nen.

"Are you sure?"

Gon's laugh was breathy as he slowly looked up, his usual smile slower to cross his face than usual. He stood up, his legs barely supporting his weight. Bruises and cuts coated his arms and legs, but he inhaled quickly and straightened, giggling. He hid his wince better than he'd hid anything from Killua before.

"Of course! It just hurt a little, that's all."

Killua reached out, taking Gon's face in one hand, turning it gently to inspect the wounds. They were deeper, maybe even enough to scar. He winced, angry that he'd let his friend be hit. But they weren't strong enough to do anything about it. He finally turned Gon's face so he was looking Gon straight in the eye. His eyes were always so honest, so firm in his resolve. But there was something in them, just for a second, that made Killua hesitate.

"Gon…"

But then it was gone, and he was laughing with his usual vigour, scratching his head sheepishly as if it had been nothing more than him tripping over a stray tree root. The only thing was that Gon never tripped, and Killua never would've second guessed what he'd seen if it hadn't been Gon. Gon reached up and removed Killua's hand, shaking his head as if he could guess what Killua was thinking.

"I'm okay."

"I'm… fine."

They'd met a friend. Another Hunter, only a couple of years older than them. Killua had been wary and slightly jealous of the easy way he'd gotten along with Gon, but eventually even Killua had warmed up to him. He reminded Killua of Gon, and that was why it hurt more than it should have when they'd had to separate and he hadn't met them at the designated spot. Another stronger high class monster had shown up. It seemed that no matter how hard they trained, there was always someone stronger. How could there be such a huge power gap even still?

Gon didn't lift his head from his knees. He had kept insisting that their friend was still alive, that everything would be okay. But they'd felt a flash of his Nen, and it had quickly faded. There was no denying, even with Gon's optimism, that he'd been killed. Gon's voice sounded flat, with a weak tremor of what sounded like a broken optimism. He was trying as hard as he could to stay upbeat. He was bluffing with everything he had, lying even to himself. Killua was kneeling in front of him, his hands resting on Gon's knees a couple inches from his head.

"Stop doing this, Gon. You're not fine."

He could feel tiny shivers running through Gon's body every couple of minutes. But still, Gon's stubborn streak kept him from breaking. Or, at the very least, from showing Killua how broken he was. All he kept thinking was that he had to be strong, because he was supposed to be the happy one. He had to stay upbeat, because Killua needed comforting more than him. He looked up, and the look on his face took Killua's breath away. It lasted longer than it had previously, and it was much, much worse—his eyes were flat, dead, tired. It seemed as if a huge weight was pressing the spiky haired boy down, and he couldn't lift it no matter how hard he tried.

Killua felt tears of frustration rising into his eyes, shimmering delicately before spilling over onto his cheeks. Why? He'd let Gon see everything he had, all of his dark parts, all of his desires and fears and hopes, and Gon had accepted him, had made him feel better than he'd ever felt. Yet he couldn't do a goddamn thing, because Gon still stubbornly refused to show Killua his own weaker side. Why? Was it because he'd been a weak and defenseless baby when Ging abandoned him? Did he think Killua would abandon him if he showed weakness? Killua wanted to scream, tear out tufts of his silver hair, beg Gon to let him make it better. But Gon reached out and brushed Killua's tears away, smiling shakily. It was so fake that now even Leorio or Kurapika would be able to see through it.

"Don't cry, Killua. It'll be okay. I promise."

Don't. Don't make promises you can't keep. Killua wanted to shake him violently. He wasn't worried about himself, he wasn't worried about the situation—sad as it was, there was nothing they could do. What he was worried about was Gon. Because his friend was slipping further and further from his reach. Those words, 'alright, okay, fine' were shoving him farther and farther, and he felt like if he stretched his arm as far as he could, he wouldn't even be able to reach Gon's back. No, Gon wasn't walking into the light the way he had been before. Now, he was simply fading into the darkness.

Gon watched Killua struggle and wished he was a better liar. He'd never felt so numb, so helpless, than he did now. But he couldn't give in to his desire to unload it all onto Killua. The ex-assassin had enough to deal with. He didn't need Gon's sorrow. If they ever wanted to smile happily, even if Gon's smile was fake, Killua's would be genuine if only Gon could pretend everything was alright. If he couldn't, he'd lose Killua. That was just how it was. If he had to sink into despair to lift Killua above it, that was okay. It hurt. It hurt so much every breath was a jagged dagger carving itself over and over into his heart and lungs.

"I'm fine."

"I…"

Oh. He'd forgotten the words. They'd found their friend, finally, after days of searching. As it turned out, he hadn't simply died. The sadistic monster had slowly feasted on him, starting with his Nen. If only they'd found him earlier, this never would've happened. He wouldn't have had to suffer. Gon's mouth hung open slightly and his eyes stared into space as he forced his thoughts back together. Get it together, Gon. This is your fault, so take responsibility. It's your fault.

"Sorry, Killua. I messed up. It won't happen again. We'll be okay."

His voice sounded strange, tinny and far away in his own ears. He turned in time to see Killua break, to see him crumple to the ground like a broken ragdoll. The sight brought him back, and his eyes widened. Poison? A blow dart? Nen? He bolted over, dropping to his knees, pressing his ear frantically to Killua's chest. Nothing. Quiet. No heartbeat.

"Kill…ua…?"

There was no answer. A stray piece of silver rested on one of Killua's closed eyelids, and Gon brushed it back with shaky hands. It was okay. It was okay. It was… not okay. It wasn't. Killua. He couldn't. No. No. Stop. This isn't happening. You have to be strong. Why? For Killua. Why? He'll leave if you're weak. Why? You won't be able to protect him. You won't be able to be his friend. But… it doesn't matter now… Killua is…

"No!"

And with that, the wall inside Gon's heart and mind broke. Tears streamed down his face and he pulled Killua close, heavy sobs wracking his body as he rocked back and forth. His sobs rose into anguished wails, the ones that made you draw in a breath and didn't let you exhale it until your chest ached for oxygen.

"K-Killua! I'm s-sorry! P-please don't l-leave!"

The tears mingled with snot and the mess dripped from his face onto Killua's shirt as he shook, his teeth chattering between low keening sounds. His heart felt as if it had been completely wrung out. It had felt like that for a while now, but this time it was like someone was trying to wring it out and there was already nothing left, so they were only managing to turn it into a bloody pulp.

"KILLUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

It all came out in a scream. All of the torment, sorrow, and helplessness he'd been feeling. His hands were in tight fists on Killua's shirt, and he was sobbing, moaning, his breathing wavering and coming out in pants and whimpers.

"Gon… You finally let it out."

A warm hand touched his head and Gon looked down to see Killua smiling tearfully up at him. Killua untangled himself from Gon's arms, then wrapped his own arms around Gon, clutching him tightly enough that it would be enough to break the bones of anyone else.

Gon has stopped for a second, his eyes widening in disbelief, but when Killua held him, he couldn't hold back the torrent he'd already began to let stream, and he clung to Killua for dear life as he bawled, choking out words between every sob.

"I t-thought you w-were dead."

Killua stroked his head over and over again, burying his face in Gon's hair to whisper his replies as he rocked slowly back and forth. He wasn't trying to calm Gon, he was simply comforting him. Letting him feel the hurt and telling him it was okay.

"I couldn't think of any other way."

"W-what… do you m-mean?"

"You kept saying you were okay, even when you weren't, idiot."

"I w-was trying t-to be… h-happy for… y-you."

"Stupid. Holding in all of your pain is bad. I'm your friend, aren't I?"

"U-uh h-huh."

"Then you should've just told me you were sad and I could've comforted you! That's what friends do, isn't it?"

Killua finally leaned back and looked Gon straight in the face. The absolute devastation in his eyes confirmed Killua's suspicions—despite Gon's easy reassurances, he'd been breaking piece by piece. If he'd held it in anymore, Killua didn't even want to think about what would've happened.

Gon blinked, his brow furrowing. He'd never considered friendship give-and-take. He'd always thought it was take. Take on someone else's pain, take on someone else's sorrow, take on someone else's fears, and don't give them any of your own because those are hard things to take.

"S-sorry, Killua."

Killua finally smiled a little, his heart feeling just a little lighter.

"For what?"

Gon almost averted his eyes, but he forced himself to continue looking.

"Being an i-idiot. N-Next time, I w-won't lie about… b-being okay."

There were no words to express the amount of relief Killua felt as he pulled Gon close, taking his face in both hands and pressing their foreheads together. He'd finally realized it. He'd finally realized that he wasn't in it alone, that Killua was there for more than fun—Killua was there to help him too. Now, there was finally something he could do.

"Good. If you're sad, I'll comfort you. If you're hurt, I'll help you. If you're weak, I'll train with you. We're friends, Gon. Nothing you say to me will change that. No more holding back, okay?"

Gon nodded tearfully, wrapping his arms around Killua's neck. They stayed that way for a long time, and Killua couldn't deny the fact that even he shed a few tears. But it was okay. For real this time. Because there was no one-way half-hearted reassurances. There was only mutual comfort.

"Killua? You said no holding back, right?"

Killua didn't really answer, he only made a humming agreeable sound in the back of his throat.

"Well… can I say something else, then?"

Killua leaned back and studied Gon curiously. His face was still a mess of snot and tears, tinged with red from crying, but he was trying desperately to wipe it all off. There was a sort of nervous courage in his words, as he took a deep breath.

"Iloveyou."

It came out in a whoosh, and it took Killua a second to process what he'd said. Then Killua buried his face in his hands, shaking his head. He could hear Gon shifting nervously and impatiently as he waited for an answer.

"How long?"

"Eh?"

"How long have you loved me?"

"I d-don't know. M-more than a y-year, I think."

Honestly. He'd thought Gon was fantastic at being open and carefree when they'd first met, but it seemed it was just the opposite. Was it his fault? Just how many feelings had he been holding back, anyway? Well, not that Killua should be one to talk. He smiled softly, looking up into Gon's nervous, eager face.

"Idiot."

Before Gon could react, he leaned forward and pressed the smallest, gentlest kiss onto Gon's lips. He was immediately rewarded with a typical Gon expression in its purest form. Happy, confused, and full of wonder. His own face flushed red as he momentarily glanced down at his hands in embarrassment.

"I… do too. Love you, I mean."

He heard a gasp and he only glanced up for a second, but that was enough. The mess of Gon's face wasn't even noticeable from the glowing joy that practically radiated off of him. Killua's face burned, but in a good way, as he forced himself to look Gon in the eye. The sorrow was still there, but the crushing weight seemed to have lifted. Well… a lot of bad things had happened. Expecting the sadness to leave right away was crazy. But that didn't matter. There was no more holding back, and they'd always have each other. No matter what happened, they could help each other through it.

It would be alright.