The giggling wouldn't stop no matter how hard I tried. I knew I was being ridiculous, loud. But that didn't seem to bother me as I stalked through the night, my arms tightly secured around my boyfriends own arm as he tried to guide my swaying body properly. Not like he was feeling any more normal than I was. I caught him laughing, if not snorting obnoxiously at my pathetic jokes before tipping to the side and bouncing off of the fences. But I trusted his judgment, for now. He had gotten me this far without much incident. Though the moment we abandoned the safety of Clarks basement, I demanded that I didn't need help. I was a strong, independent woman and I didn't need to be babied. Of course, the moment I stepped down the front steps of his grungy friends home, I fell. And from that moment on, I was not trusted on my own in this state. Not even I had the confidence in myself that I had so easily flaunted earlier. Now, I was wrapped up in the security of my partners arms. Though his friends desperately needed this particular attention. To be scooped up and carried home. They were acting far worse. In a small pack, some raced down the barely lit street dangerously fast. Almost seeming to drift into a blur as their momentum picked up. Or they would stand in the middle of the road, staring down a car as it came at them. If they stood their ground, forcing the car to swerve around in order to avoid an accident, they would earn some cash. As well as some violent shouting and threats from the driver. "We're so fucked." I mumbled into my hand as I tried to conceal the uncontrollable laughter.
Out of nowhere, Owens now panicked friend; Joshua, paused, arms spread wide as his dark brown eyes shifted suspiciously. "Hold on!" Silence finally washed over us. "Did you guys hear that?" Owen looked down to me, giving me a look that very clearly, to me, stated "Look what you've done." "Shut up." Barked a female with bright blue hair tied back into two short, stubby pigtails. I think her name was…Ashley, or Anna. "I'm being serious, Amy." Okay, so it wasn't either of those. What did you expect? We've never actually talked. We just happened to be in the same room as one another on a few occasions. Either way, she wasn't too social and to be honest, a bit of a bitch and I didn't make it my top priority to break her wall. "Did any of you hear sirens?"
The group of eight waited quietly, looking around skeptically. When no one chimed in with their own thoughts, Josh smiled nervously. "No one?" He then pressed a stern finger to his forehead. "Is it me tripping?" "There's no cops, Josh." He finally straightened his posture with his chest puffed out as he grinned broadly. "Okay, sweet. I wouldn't do well in prison, guys. I mean I love dick just as much as the next guy-" Amy's boyfriend rolled his eyes as he smoothly moved forward, past the young man standing in the center of the road. "but I'm not too fond of butt-fucking." The visual that was forced into my poor hazy mind caught me off guard and I grew weak with laughter. But I wasn't the only one. Just about everyone was dying in the streets because of our vulgar, sweet little Josh. He had a knack of shocking people every time he opened his mouth. Sober or not.
We continued our walk, Owens friends finally called it quits on flirting with danger. Instead they all walked down the sidewalk, scattered as they got bursts of energy. Sam; Joshua's current arm candy had challenged Amy to a foot race, which she agreed to after he offered up his studded leather jacket for the remainder of the night. Which she's had her eyes on for the past few hours. As they took off, Owen and I had stopped in front of my home, not taking our eyes off of the two distant figures.
Before Sam could reach his destination, he had stopped and simply laid down on the pavement, stretched out. "I can't. You win. My head is spinning!" My laughter and loud awe's were cut short when Owen pulled my attention back to him as he backed me into my front door, immediately drawing me into a rough kiss. I could tell he wanted an equally passionate return. But right now, my brain couldn't respond to romance. I just grinned stupidly against his lips, forcing him to pull back just enough to rest his forehead against mine.
"What?" he chuckled lightly. "I can't do that. Not while I'm like this." His head gave a short nod as he backed further away, silently going "Oh." in acknowledgement. Before he could get too far, I hastily laced my fingers into his sandy brown hair and pulled him back to me, placing a few light kisses on his chapped lips. "I'll see you later." He whispered before pulling away and returning to his friends. "What? You're leaving?" Josh asked as I stuck my key into the keyhole, turning it slowly. When Owen answered him, Josh held up his hand as he gave a short wave with a sad pout. "Bye, sugar!" I returned a tiny wave before slipping inside my dark, oddly quiet home. Even after I closed the door behind me, I could still hear their laughter and panicked screams as they made their way down the street.
The lack of light in my home threw me into a state of paranoia. Anything could happen here and I'd never see it coming until it was too late. Whether it be me running into a table, giving myself a lovely new tear through my clothes and flesh. Or simply turning a corner and being stabbed by an intruder. Not wasting a second, I bolted towards the kitchen, immediately flipping the light switch.
I've been in Clarks basement for nine hours, playing video games, watching movies, painting and getting high as a kite. So, you could definitely say I was a little surprised by how abnormally bright my kitchen was. I was left blinded and vulnerable in the doorway until my eyes adjusted.
Riddled with a hunger that I was all too familiar with, I swiped a full bag of Doritos from the countertop and a Pepsi from the fridge before retreating to my bedroom. I was forced to endure two sets of stairs to finally reach my sanctuary. The Christmas lights that hung about my room seemed to welcome me with a warm embrace. I was finally back where I felt most at peace.
Placing my drink and snack down by my computer, I changed into yesterdays pajamas and took a seat in my old, rickety fold out camping chair. Diving into the bright red bag I had viciously torn open. My munchies were at an all time high and I'd be shocked if I didn't finish this entire bag before I passed out. With a few taps of my pen, I opened up my Playlist as well as Photoshop, and got to work. No time was better to draw than high time. The weirdest shit manifests itself and you don't realize it until you've sobered up.
I allowed Lily Allen to ease my soul as I swayed from side to side, cramming handfuls of chips into my dry mouth. I took a quick glanced down at the tiny white font at the bottom of my computer screen. It was one in the morning and I was just getting in. I've come home at worse times, though. I've stayed out for days on end. Moving from friend to friend in a desperate attempt to stay out of the house. To not have to hear my parents voices. Which overtime, had simply turned into mindless noise. They were like alarm clocks. Repeating the same tune every morning until you feel the desire to wake before it goes off. Just so you don't have to listen to it one more time.
Lily's sweet voice was sweeping me off my feet in a matter of minutes. My swaying had turned to proper chair dancing as she lashed out at her ex boyfriends. "At worst I feel bad for awhile. But then I just smile! I go ahead and smile! Whenever you see me, you say that you want me back. And I tell you it don't mean jack. No it don't mean jack." Midst my bouncing, I caught glance of my now opened door, revealing a sleep deprived brother still dressed in his jeans and stripped hoodie. But his intense stare didn't shake me as I continued to sing to his face. "I couldn't stop laughing. No I just couldn't help myself. See you messed up my mental health. I was quite unwell." After delivering the line, I turned down the music so he didn't have to practically shout over it and wake up our parents downstairs.
"I hate Lily Allen.. So damn much.." He muttered with such detest. "She probably hates you too." I quickly brushed the orange crumbs off the surface of my desk and tossed them into the nearby trash bin before stretching myself over the back of the chair. "So, what ya need?" I asked in my well practiced English accent. He gave me a half assed smile as a soft chuckle erupted from his chest.
For the past few months I would randomly fall into accents, mainly English, and my family wasn't quite used to it yet. "I feel like I'm in a TV show." my mom said when I used it for the first time.
"You're high." My brother stated bluntly. "Yes. Yes I am." I responded without a hint of regret as my right hand continued to sketch. "Did you want any of these?" I asked, gesturing towards the wide open bag of chips. "Because I'm about to swallow it whole." "I'm surprised you didn't see the cookies downstairs and-" Suddenly, my taste buds went wild as they now craved sugar and chocolate. "Cookies?" "go apeshit.. Kind of like you are now. No-sit!" He pushed me back down into my chair as I tried to make a hasty exit to snag the sweet treats. "Wait until the morning. You'll feel less stupid and less like a fat-ass then."
I frowned inwardly as I glared up at him. "What are you saying?" "I'm saying that you eat like a cow while high. ..Like everyone else." He pushed himself off the door frame and entered my bedroom, kicking the door shut. I watched as he plopped down on my bed, letting out an exaggerated sigh as he rebounded for a moment. "Sure, you can come in." I mumbled as I moved my attention back to my work. Which was starting to look like a really morbid Jellyfish.
"Did I wake you up?" "Nope. Insomnia is a bitch tonight." "I could always knock you over the head with something." I turned around to catch his reaction and grinned at what I saw. He was laying across my bed, propped up on his elbow as he stared up at the ceiling in thought. The look on his face was that of a man who could foresee his own doom, but the smile didn't fade. "Knowing you, you'd break my face, or kill me. No thanks." He fell onto his back, stretching out and taking up the majority of my bed with his limbs. "I'll suffer. So-" I pressed myself into the desk tightly, squinting as my eyes got dangerously close to the screen as I tried to edit the fine details. "So.." I mimicked softly. "Who did you hang out with today?" "Oh, you know. The usual." "The usual, as in-" "Josh, Clark, Sammie-" "Owen." He finished for me, though still leaving a questionable tone in the air. "..Yes, Owen." "What do you see in him, Erin? Honestly?"
Slamming my pen down, I turned myself around to lean over the back of the chair, glaring at him. My brother made a point to argue with me about my current relationship every chance he got. It wasn't just a "I don't like my sister have boyfriends" deal. It was more of a "I hate him as a human being".
"I don't know, Steven. What did you see in Kristi? Or Joanna? How about Michelle?" I retorted. My words laced with venom. Ready to snap at him if he decided to get testy with me. "That's different! I just…got bored with them." "Slut." I muttered as I began to turn back around. "But at least we were there for each other. Owen does fuck all." "What are you talking about? He's-" "Well, let's see-" He laid back down, holding his hands up in front of his face as he began listing. "One, you and mom are constantly going after one another. Two, your depressed as shit." "I'm not depre-" "Oh, no, of course not. That's why you randomly started to cry in the middle of dinner last week when we went out to eat." "I did not-" I desperately wanted to defend myself. But he refused to give me a window.
"Three, you're always out getting high. A lot of the time with Owen, actually. Now, am I supposed to take that as his shit idea of comfort? Or is he really that stupid?" "Maybe I don't want him to be there." I shot back with a sharp glare. He looked up at me for a moment, baffled with his mouth slightly agape. "Seriously?" "I don't need to make my problems his own. I don't need to drag people down." "If he was a good boyfriend he wouldn't-" "Stop, Steve. Just…new subject, please." He fell limp again across my bed, this time tucking his arms under his head as he let out a sigh.
"Are you still picking me up tomorrow?" "..You're seriously going to school? You have to be up and ready in five hours." "Not like I haven't done it before." "That can't be healthy." "And you'd know all about being healthy Miss. I Can Inhale An Entire Pizza By Myself." "Completely different kind of healthy. I'll just get fat. You'll go insane." There was a moment of silence between us. Not even the sound of the pens tip gliding over the slick surface was heard. Or our soft breaths. "..So was that a 'yes'?" "Yes."
And silence took over us once more. Though I hadn't noticed as I felt myself being sucked into the many projects I had started up without finishing due to my raging ADD. I could have gone on for ages like this if I hadn't felt my eyes burn every time I blinked. "Stay closed." they begged. Desperately dragging my lids lower and lower until I caved. The clock read 03:06am as I saved my art, turning off my computer before turning to face my young brother with his mouth hung open, snoring softly. Deciding against waking him, I moved to the end of my bed and rested on my back. Folding my cold hands over my stomach as I stared up at the ceiling. Making out faces here and there, where the colorful lights shined and mended into one another.
I've long since sobered up. The words of my brother burrowing into my mind. Sturdy and unmoving. Leaving my mind to race as I desperately tried to rid myself of how they effected me. Owen wasn't that bad… Was he? We've been together for nearly a year! I'd call that a successful relationship!
"When was your last proper date?" I frowned at this question as it echoed. It was as if Steven was inside my head, leaning against my squishy brain, smoking a pipe as he threw questions at me with a smug smile. "Last week!" I shouted back. Though never making a sound out in reality. I felt proud of myself to have shot the question down. But as the seconds passed, I looked deeper into it. This "date" I was referring to was just a trip to the nearby mall with our usual gang. Quickly, I brushed it off. "Okay, fine. That wasn't a date. But-" And it all went blank. When. When had we done something for us? When had we done something to keep our attraction alive? I thought of just a few hours ago on my doorstep. There was fire then. There was a spark of warm and fuzzy bliss when he put his hands on me. "What other times have you felt that?" "At the park just a few days ago. He had offered me a piggyback ride and-" I could still picture the scene perfectly. He was running. Jumping over obstacles as I shrieked in terror and delight. His shoe laces that I had begged him to tie constantly had caused him to trip, throwing us both into the ground. Though shocked from the impact and sore all over, we laughed it off and kissed one another in a "I can't believe we survived that." fashion. But why had he been acting so crazy? So hyperactive? Like he had been given a shot of adrenaline.
"We smoked." I confirmed. The realization slowly setting in. "We were high earlier, too." My brain began listing off all of the romantic moments we shared together. Every little touch. Whether it was as simple as holding hands or falling into his bed, caught in the heat of the moment. Though I was far too afraid to let it continue. The passion and affection was there… When we were under the influence. On the rare occasions where we were sober, we would simply sit besides one another and act as friends and nothing more. I probably would have noticed it sooner if I wasn't so content on being the type of woman who felt like they didn't "need" all of the mushy feelings relationships brought. They were nice when they happened. But if it wasn't a constant feeling, I wouldn't be torn apart by it. My relationship with Owen wasn't a proper or sturdy one. And it killed me knowing I spent so much of my life with a man who only loved me when addiction was swimming through his veins, and likewise for me. He wasn't completely at fault here.
"Okay." I said in a barely audible whisper, turning to look at my still sleeping brother with sad and defeated eyes. "Just don't say you told me so." With that, I rolled onto my side and curled into myself. Clasping my hands together as they acted as my pillow.