Lily Evans carefully slid a hand across the corner of her parchment. To an observer, one might have assumed the young teenage girl was immersed in her studies. That was not to be the case. Lily Evans was thinking about a boy. Not just any boy…but a boy that she had loathed for years, and fallen for in months. A boy that she was convinced no longer fancied her. James Potter.
Lily glanced up from the paper and focused on the four boys sitting in the corner by the fire. For the moment, they were quiet, but that rarely lasted. James Potter, the ring leader and object of her affections, was tall with jet black hair that stuck our everywhere and hazel eyes hidden behind round lensed glasses. Sirius Black, his best friend, was even taller with sleek, dark hair and gray eyes. Remus Lupin, the third member of the group known as the Marauders, had light brown hairs and soft, worried eyes. The last member of the group, Peter Pettigrew was short and chubby.
Lily returned her gaze to James Potter, who looked up at that moment and winked before returning back to his homework. Lily let out a deep sigh that no one could hear and tried to focus on her Potions essay. She had to stop thinking about Potter. He had not asked her out since the end of sixth year. Now, three months into their seventh year, she feared he would never ask her out again.
Lily reached up and pulled her dark red hair into a ponytail. She could only work for so long before her hair drove her crazy and she had to get it out of the way. She flattened the piece of parchment on the table, and leaned back on the couch. Attempting to focus, she flipped open her Potions book, and began to check the information she had written in her essay.
"EVANS!" a voice called, suddenly close to her. She looked up from her notes and locked eyes with the man of her thoughts. Without her realization, he had walked over and now threw himself on to the couch next to her.
"Potter," she responded carefully, refusing to look at him.
Potter stretched out, his arm grazing the corner of her back before resting on the couch behind her.
He was way too close, Lily decided, as she struggled to make sense of the information regarding…well, whatever she was reading. She could smell the hint of his cologne mingled with the woodsy smell that always accompanied him.
"What are you working on?" Potter asked.
"The Potions essay," Lily answered, turning a page in the book.
"We have an essay?" Potter questioned. "I must have missed that."
His deep voice distracted her, and she found herself wondering why they were even discussing their studies. Lily refused to look at him so she in turn flipped another page. She knew that if she looked at him right now when he smelled too good and looked too handsome, he would know that she fancied him despite the recent lack of interest. Lily did not think she could stand for him to know and feel differently.
"It's due Tuesday," Lily spoke up, surprised she could manage to sound so unaffected.
"Ah. Moony would have told me Monday," Potter explained. "It's only Friday night. Why are you working on that now?"
Lily groaned inwardly. Because, she thought to herself, I fancy you, and need to focus on something that does not have anything to do with you. But I can't work on anything due Monday because I finished it so I would not have weekend homework…and Mary or Alice should be here now….but they disappeared with their boyfriends. Instead, she said, "Tuesday is not that far away. I figured I could get it out of the way early."
"On a Friday night?" Potter questioned. "I know you, Evans. You rarely work that far ahead."
Of course, he would know that, she realized stupidly. He had practically stalked her for four years. Why he could not stalk her now that she actually fancied him, she did not know. Or was it because he no longer stalked her that she had begun to fancy him?
Lily responded with a shrug of her shoulders as she attempted to focus on the book once again. Suddenly, Potter shifted slightly moving his hand from behind her, and taking the Potions book from her hand. Lily finally looked up at him, in surprise.
"There, that's better," Potter smirked, sitting on top of the table across from her.
"Potter," Lily attempted to warn him, but knew that her voice lacked the frustration that used to be hidden in her voice…back before they had become friends.
"Well, I came to talk to you, Lily," he explained, "not watch you read a book."
Lily loved the sound of her name on his lips. He did not often call her Lily, so hearing her Christian name always sounded so much more intimate. "About what?" Lily asked. It was easier to hide her fancy of him when he was a few inches farther away.
"Well," he said, and she noticed suddenly that he was nervous. He let out a deep breath, and then said softly, "It's Hogsmeade weekend next week." Lily could feel her heard beating quickly inside of her chest. "I was wondering if you would….if we could… Will you go with me? As a date?" He ran a hand through his messy hair, and Lily could not help but wonder what it would be like to put her own hand through his hair. He did fancy her, she realized with a surge of happiness. He actually fancied her. She found herself picturing the two of them walking hand in hand through Hogsmeade, laughing and talking. She could imagine snogging him, and cuddling with him on the couch.
"Lily," his voice pushed softly. "Did you hear me?"
Then, she started to realize how easily he could hurt her. What if everything this year had been a new plan to win her over? What if he did not actually fancy her, but still just wanted to win her over? Could she chance that? Did she even know the real James Potter?"
These irrational fears spurred the answer that left her lips. "No, James. I can't."
Her green eyes studied the man in front of her to see his reaction. His jaw hardened, and she saw the honest hurt in his hazel eyes, and a moment later she realized her absolute stupidity. But then it was too late. James Potter nodded. "Okay. Well, I'll see you, Evans."
Then, he disappeared, walking away from her. He did not walk back to his friends, but rather stalked out of the portrait hole.
Stupid, Lily frowned, glancing at the remaining Marauders. She saw the disappointment in Remus' face and the anger in Sirius' eyes.
Lily felt the sting of tears in her eyes as she realized Potter would never ask her out again. It had been one thing when she rejected him before they had become friends…but to reject him once she knew him…it would hurt more than all of those other rejections combined. Lily could feel the tears coming and quickly packed up her things. She could not let the other Marauders see her cry. She felt a tear drop on her cheek and brushed it away, before running up the steps to her dormitory.
Lily ran to her bed, threw her things unceremoniously on the floor, and curled up in her bed as the tears came faster. She could not believe her own idiocy. How could she have turned him down when she fancied him so much that it hurt? She could feel her heart breaking, but the worst feeling was knowing that Potter must be twice as hurt.
Five hours later, Lily heard footsteps as her roommates entered the room.
"Lily," Alice's voice spoke softly.
Lily pretended to be asleep. Lily could hear the concern in Alice's voice and knew that Alice had already heard the news. Lily did not even want to know how. Alice and Mary must have decided that she was asleep because they sat on Alice's bed, and Lily listened as they spoke.
"I don't understand," Mary said. "What happened? Why did she reject him?"
Alice sighed. "I don't know. It's not like she doesn't realize she fancies him. She knows she fancies him. Unless she freaked out or said no out of habit."
"Black said she was crying," Mary added.
Oh great, Lily frowned. They had seen her crying. What would they tell Potter?
Alice groaned. "Maybe we should talk to James?"
"And say what, Lily didn't mean to say no. It won't mean anything unless she tells him," Mary explained.
Lily sighed, and sat up in bed. Her two best friends looked over.
"Lily?" Alice questioned. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Lily lied. "Hungry, though. I think I'm going to head to the kitchens."
"Lily," Alice said. "Are you going to talk to James?"
"Why?" Lily asked, ignoring the guilt residing inside of her.
"Because you fancy him."
"Not anymore," Lily lied a second time. Before they could stop her, she pushed her way out of the room, walked down the stairs, and into an empty common room. On the pretense of patrols, she stepped out of the portrait hole, and began the silent walk to the kitchens. Normally, she would have asked James to come with her. But not now.
Now, Lily pushed her way to the kitchens alone. Thankfully, she did not run into anyone. She found the portrait of the pear, tickled it, and stepped into an empty kitchen. It was three in the morning. Even the house elves were asleep. She opened the freezer and pulled out a tin of chocolate ice cream, grabbed a spoon, and began to eat.
Lily knew that she had two choices. Choice One: Tell Potter that she really did want to go out with him, but she had freaked out when he asked her, and apologize. Choice Two: Be a coward, hide from him, and pretend it never happened. Lily hated talking about her feelings and she hated apologizing, so the second option sounded the best at the moment.
But, Lily knew that if she chose the second option, she could never have a chance with James. She also knew that could lead to a life of regret and pain. Or at least several months. Dilemma.
It was almost amusing that only a few hours ago she had been fretting that he would never ask her out again. Lily heard a soft sound, and realized the portrait had opened. She looked at the door to see who would step in.
Potter shut the door behind him, and groaned when he saw that she was sitting at the counter.
An awkward silence filled the room as they stared at each other.
The dilemma had suddenly become more immediate. What should she do?
"I was hungry," Lily spoke suddenly.
"Thus, the kitchens," Potter responded with a frown. His hair was even messier than normal as if he had been running his hands through it for hours. He seemed to be facing a dilemma of his own. He looked back at the door as if he wanted to bolt, before taking a seat across from her.
A second awkward silence filled the room. "Potter," Lily said, finally making her choice.
"Don't," he responded, his voice hard. "You don't have to explain anything. I misread you. I thought you…Well, I thought you finally fancied me, but I was stupid. That will never happen. I understand that now. Let's just move on, shall we?"
No, Lily thought. She did not know what to say. Lily stared at the tub of ice cream and filled the spoon with another big scoop before placing the spoon in her mouth.
"Did you finish your Potions essay?" Potter asked, changing the subject.
"No," Lily answered. "I went to bed." Her mind was still whirring with trying to figure out what to say.
"And woke up hungry?" Potter questioned, attempting his usual lazy smile.
Lily stared at him. She had been lying about her feelings and… well, everything…for months. Now, it was time to tell the truth. "No, actually," she said. "I couldn't sleep. When you left the common room, I went up to bed and just stared at the ceiling."
"Why?" Potter asked his face unreadable.
"Because," she said, reaching for the tub of ice cream. She stood up and strode over to the freezer. "I knew the moment the words came out of my mouth, I had made a mistake." She put the tub into the freezer and turned to face James. His face had shifted slightly, but remained mostly unreadable. He watched her cautiously as she walked around the large counter and sat down on the stool beside him.
"James," Lily said, softly. "I've wanted you to ask me out for so long, and when you hadn't, I assumed you no longer fancied me." She could feel the nervousness invading her as his face remained unreadable. "When you asked me tonight, I was elated…at first… then I started thinking about how much you had changed this year, and I began to wonder if you had even really changed. Then, I freaked out and started making crazy…crazy assumptions that you… had only changed to win me over… Then, I started to realize how easily you could hurt me, and before I knew it, I was rejecting you…again…but the truth is…" Lily froze. After all she had said, James's face still remained passive.
"The truth is… I fancy you, James."
Silence. He had said nothing. Now, Lily sat next to him as the awkwardness took over, yet again.
Then, James smiled. He smiled. Lily stared at him.
The next moment, James had closed the space between them and pressed his lips firmly to hers. Lily melted in his arms and softly returned the kiss. She moved towards him, and wrapped her arms around his neck. His arms moved to her waist, then to her face, and back to her waist before he pulled her even tighter to him. At some point, they had moved off of the stools in order to accommodate their need to touch. His tongue pressed gently against her lips, and she allowed him entrance. She could feel sparks and fireworks. She could smell the woodsy cologny smell that was so James.
They separated as they suddenly felt the desperate, earnest need to breathe. Lily stared at James. James stared at Lily.
Then, Lily said, softly. "Go out with me, James?"
He responded with an earnest grin, and pulled her close to him. "Evans," he said, softly. "You make everything so complicated."
"Excuse me?" Lily demanded, laughing as he took her hand in his, and led her out of the kitchens. "I disagree, Potter."
James shook his head. "No, Lily. You do, and you know it." His laugh filled the hall, and Lily smiled as they bantered on their way back to the dormitories.
Lily knew that she had made the right choice. Lily and James had been a long time in coming. She knew that he was right. She had unnecessarily complicated things, but now Lily wanted to choose to be with James Potter.
To be with James or to not be with James…. There had never really been a dilemma. She would always choose James.