Your Girl

You see her sometimes, in the hallway, and you can't help but stare. She looks exactly the same as when you used to spend entire days together—true, she was older now, but nothing could change that long black hair; those sharp, dark eyes.

You see her, and it brings you back to your younger days; the days before ideas and beliefs were a constant battlefield, and the days when your mother would still smile fondly down at you. To you, she is the epitome of that old life; to you, she is a reminder of all that you try to forget.

She sees you too, sometimes. There are even rare moments where your eyes lock; for a moment you are five years old again, and she is only seven. For a moment, you are back in that old cupboard in the kitchen, laughing together as you leave foolish presents for a house elf that can't stand either one of you. But the moment is gone as quick as it came, and she becomes just another body in a sea of black robes.

You remember when she first left for school—before then, you had seen her almost every day. Her mother would bring her and her sisters over, and while the two adults sat and drank tea, you and your favorite cousin would play for hours on end—sometimes make-believe, sometimes Exploding Snap, sometimes Let's Tease Regulus. It rarely mattered what you did, only that you were together.

When she left, you were miserable. All of a sudden your closest playmate was Regulus, and that depressed you, as much as a nine year old can be depressed. You found yourself counting down the days till holiday breaks on a calendar you insisted your father bought for you. You found yourself living for the days you had your best friend back with you. Before she left, you gave her the biggest hug you could. Oh, Sirius. It'll only be a few months I'm gone, and anyway, I'm still your girl.

You remember your first day of school. Your aunt had taken you to the train station; your mother had other matters that needed tending to. She was there with you, of course; as your elder cousin, she told you it was her job to take care of you. You groaned and rolled your eyes when she said that, but it was only an act. Secretly, you were relieved she wouldn't abandon you. Oh, Sirius. What else could you expect? I'm your girl.

You spent the first half of that train ride in her compartment, with her friends. She was assuring you that you would get into the family's House; constantly telling you not to worry your little mind. Oh, Sirius. School is nothing to fret over, and besides, I'm still your girl, aren't I? So there is no reason for worry.

The other half of the train ride, she told you that you should try to go find students your own age. Oh, Sirius. I can't be with you all the time, can I? I'll be a Third Year, and you only a First. You need friends in your own year, too. But of course, I'll still be your girl. As much as you hated to admit it, she had a point, and so you left her compartment, and went off on your own.

It's funny, when you think about it. It's truly her fault things ended up the way they did. If she hadn't suggested that you go make some of your own friends, you never would have. Her friendship was enough for you. And so you never would have met the one boy that changed your life.

But your cousin was trying to help you, and so you did venture off on your own. It was then that you met him; the boy who would become you best friend, and unknowingly, your role model. When you first met him, you had no idea who he was. By the time you got around to announcing last names, it was too late to completely shun the other. You knew your mother would be furious—to associate with a Potter was unthinkable—but for the moment, it was fun. Of course, in the first few moments after hearing his surname, you had acted cold and superior, but once he told you to take the giant stick out from your arse and come back down to planet Earth, you couldn't help but oblige.

And so a friendship was born. Sometimes, you wonder if you would have continued with it if you had known what it would lead to. Was his friendship worth the loss of hers? In the beginning, the question never crossed your mind. When you got sorted into his House, you were terrified—what would you mother say? But you looked across the hall and caught her eye, and she answered by giving you the smallest of smiles. Instantly you were relaxed. Everything would be all right, you thought; she was still your best friend. She was still your girl.

As that first year went on, James showed you a different way to view the wizarding world. All of a sudden the ideas your mother and father had spent so long teaching you no longer seemed right, nor just. Once a week, you would secretly meet her outside, by your special tree. You would try to keep each other up to date on your lives, as well as the intricate details of the family's status. Oh, Sirius. Mum's been sending letters, and she can't believe you aren't in Slytherin. I s'pose your mum isn't very happy either. But don't worry, I'm still your girl.

Once, shortly before Christmas break, you told her your new ideas about the wizarding world; the ideas you had gotten from James. As you spoke of possible equality, she gasped, and smacked you across the face. Oh, Sirius! Don't say that! Imagine what your mother would say if she could hear you now. Don't ever say those things again, you mustn't! But you did, and that was your problem. That first Christmas was the first time you were truly beaten by a parent, and it would certainly not be the last. Don't cry, Sirius. I'm still your girl, remember? We'll ice these bruises, and it will all be okay, don't you worry.

Once you were back at school, things were different. Your meetings went from once a week to once every other week, and sometimes even less. But each time you were left waiting by your special tree all night, you knew it was never her fault. She was being pressured into ending any sort of communication with you—you were no longer a Black to be proud of, but one to be shunned. Whenever she could come, she would complain of how her older sister would be lecturing her. Oh, Sirius. Mum's just written me, and I'm no longer allowed to be seen with you. But don't worry, that won't stop me. I'm your girl, for always. It was the first time you had ever been named an outcast, and it made tears sting your eyes. You ground your fists into your eye sockets, and tried to hide from her sight. Oh Sirius, come here. You still remember how safe her hug felt. You still remember thinking how lucky you were to have such a good best friend.

But as time and years went on, it became clear she was no longer your best friend. It couldn't be helped, you would tell yourself; it was inevitable. She was two years older, and you were in different Houses. To keep up a friendship so strong would be a miracle, and that was not the sort of magic your family was known for.

Your meetings now happen once every two months, and that is if you are very lucky. She's in her seventh year, and she's been going round with Lucius Malfoy for quite some time now. Last time she was able to sneak away, she told you her parents had arranged it. She confided that she didn't truly love him, but that it was what was expected of her.

Life has changed drastically for you; you've been disowned from that family, and no longer hold any of the same beliefs. You can't understand why she would want to be around someone she does not like nor love merely because her parents say so. When you told her this, she merely shook her head and smiled at you. Oh, Sirius. You and I aren't the same anymore, you know. I'm not nearly as strong as you; I'll never be able to break away from our family. Not like you have. But I'm still your girl, no matter what our family says.

And break away you did. It's the middle of your fifth year now, and you've been properly disowned by the Blacks, and practically adopted by the Potters. You still see her in the hallway sometimes, but it's nothing like before. No more secret glances, sent to keep up your morale; no, now she's constantly at the side of Malfoy, always distracted by him. She pays him more attention than you, and you can't help the jealous twinge you feel. But you tell yourself it doesn't matter that it's been years since your friendship was truly stable; she'll always be your girl.

It's the last week of your fifth year, and you're late for Transfiguration. You see a blonde girl in the hallway, and you drop all your books, as you recognize who it is. Oh, Sirus. Be careful. You are alone in the hallway, and that's why she's talking to you. It's been ages since you've been seen anywhere near each other in public. It's been ages since you've been anywhere near her in private either, and you miss your old best friend. You can't believe her hair, though—she was a Black, and all Black's prided themselves on their hair. How could hers be blonde now?

Your eyes slid down to a ring on her finger. A shining, diamond ring, and you feel your heart begin to ache. Oh, Sirius. Don't look at me like that. I won't be a Black for much longer, now. I s'pose I am breaking away from the family too. There's a small smile on her face now, and it's been such a long time since you've seen it. Recently, she's been all glares, all the time in the hallway. You figure it must come naturally from being around Malfoy so much. Oh, Sirius. I'm sorry; I know you must be disappointed in me. But I can't help it, don't you understand? I'm his girl now.

You are positive your heart is breaking as those words slip through her lips. You look at her in horror, as she realizes what she's just said. Oh, Sirius—. But you don't give her a chance. You are off and running down the hallway, half-blinded by tears you refuse to let fall. You don't know if you will ever see her again, and you don't know if you will be able to handle it if you do. You stop running, panting as you lean one hand against the stone wall.

Oh, Sirius.

A/N: If you recognize this, it's because it's reposted, so no worries…

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