A/N- I'm sad and depressed, what do you want from me? And I write sad Ten/Rose well, at any rate. Please read and review, I want to know what you think.
For what seemed like several small infinities, but what was in reality only the few years that we traveled together, Rose and I were trapped in a state of eternal balance. One wrong word, one wrong move, something that might feel so right at the time had the ability to throw our whole world off kilter.
So instead we stayed, stranded in our perfect, painful bubble.
We were caught somewhere that was so much more than nothing. The air between us crackled with attraction whenever we were near, and there was no doubt that we could both feel it. I could see it in her eyes, and no doubt she could see it mirrored in mine.
But there was no doubt that this land was also so much less than something. It seemed sometimes that there was an uncross-able valley between us, and she distanced herself from me and I from her. We locked ourselves in separate rooms and we might as well have been worlds away from the other.
This dizzying dance was like nothing I had ever experienced, the push and pull and spin as we walked the fine line of impossible love.
For all that it was worth, however, I couldn't let myself love her. I couldn't let myself love this Earth girl, because to do so would be to condemn her to a life of chaos and insecurity, she watching herself grow older with every passing day, and me not changing. It would be hell for her and I wouldn't let her suffer that pain. And she in turn refused to let herself fall for me, though I don't fathom a guess at her reasons. Perhaps it is her mother, or her father, or Mickey, or me. I don't know, I couldn't know, and I wouldn't want to.
The pain of it almost overwhelmed me sometimes. It hurt so much to see her laughing and smiling and know that I could never do that for her. There was half of me that wanted to drop her home and run away, if only to never have to see the impression of what could have been dancing just beyond my fingertips. Under other circumstances, in a different life, a separate world, we would have been perfect, lovers meant to be in the arms of another. But this was not that world and that fantasy escaped me. The other half of me refused to recognize this. That was the part of me that wanted to give in, the part of me that wanted nothing more than to slow dance with her to music that only we could hear, the part of me that wanted to watch her fall asleep in my arms and see her smile in the morning, and catch her whenever she fell.
And so I felt the pain, and the joy, both equally sharp, like knives digging themselves into my hearts. And I smiled though it, and I laughed through it, because while we didn't have something, we had more than nothing. We had our land in-between and our stolen moments, and despite all of the pain it was worth it.
Until it wasn't anymore.
"Rose." I said softly, and she looked up at me, smiling gently.
"Doctor." She responded, a note of laughter in her tone and a grin in her eyes. I flinched inwardly, knowing that it was the last time I would see her smile like that, the last time I would see her smile at all for me.
"You need to leave. I'm bringing you home." I whispered, unable to meet her gaze and attempting to fight off the unwelcome tears that pooled in my eyes.
"Excuse me?" She demanded, absentmindedly running a hand through lose blonde locks. Her smile had fallen, and I could only read confusion in her eyes.
"We can't do this anymore." I offered the weak explanation, unsure if I could manage any more without completely breaking down.
"Do what?" She quickly masked her confusion with anger. I pretended I couldn't see though the act and she pretended that she didn't know I knew.
"This game we play. We can't any more. It feels like my hearts are being torn into pieces every time I look at you. It's like ice digging into my back because I love you, so much more than you will ever know, and I can't have you. I won't let you waste your life on me, someone who can never be completely yours. But I can't bear this any more." I turn away from her as I speak, pressing buttons and flipping switches, taking us back to Earth, only a few days after the last time we left.
For a long time after the TARDIS landed Rose and I just looked at each other, silent tears turning our eyes red and our cheeks pink. Neither of us spoke and neither of us moved, because there was nothing more to say. We both knew it was true, and we were postponing the inevitable, for just one more small infinity we could balance, we could manage that. Then, like a tree house in the wind, we began to shake, and eventually to fall.
She walked over to me in measured strides, placing each foot carefully as if not sure that the ground was actually right in front of her. I met her eyes with every step, we never broke contact.
"Goodbye Doctor." Rose whispered, standing up on her toes to press her lips against mine. I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her flush against me, tongue tracing her lips until they parted. She pulled away first, arms locked around my neck. And then she was gone, door closed gently behind her.
After she left I still stood, fingers against my lips as I promised myself I would never forget. If I was being honest with myself, I don't think I could. The imprint of her kiss was scorched onto my lips and into my memory.
It took a moment more for her absence to hit me, and when it did it felt like I had taken a running leap off a cliff, and now I was free falling.
"Rose Tyler, I love you." I whispered, eyes closed, fingers tracing the memory of her lips as I fell into the future.
And somehow, despite it all, I know she heard my whispered words, and finally, she knows.