I had trouble remembering the last time my life ever felt 'normal.' No matter where I ended up, there was always some conflict or event that seemed to take higher priority than if I were just allowed a chance to passively enjoy the experience of living. The other problem was when you believed yourself on the verge of completing one of your life's goals, only to move on to the next. No time to savor your last victory, because you're too busy dealing with the next conflict.

I guess that was for the best. If I were satisfied with such a miserable life as a lowly slave on Sleheyron, I wouldn't have been where I was then. The second head master of the Sith Academy was a position that held only a fair amount of authority, not to mention a lot of work; but it was only one step away from a much more tempting position. All that was required was to eliminate the head master, Uthar. Of course, it was a task easier said than done.

And it was probably at that moment when I realized what Uthar had planned that I might have made a fatal mistake. It was then that Uthar sought to turn my ally against me, taking the first move against me. "The final test for you is to execute one who is familiar to you, for no other reason than to prove your superiority. Without mercy." As Uthar turned his gaze upon me, I knew from his smugness that he was going to take a sadistic pleasure of some kind at my expense. That was an understatement. "I couldn't help noticing how close you both have become over these last several days. Let me give you some advice, Alex Trevelyan... friends are a weakness, especially when it comes to Yuthura. If you wish to become a Sith, then you will kill her."

"What? This is what you had planned all along? To have me killed?"

"Indeed. You may be most exciting in bed, Yuthura Ban; but I've had my fill of you. As a Sith, you've proved most disappointing. It's time for you to die and for someone more... talented to take your place." He gestured to Alex Trevelyan, across the chamber.

Maybe I let my pride get in the way, but it wasn't like I could do anymore than hope he wouldn't fall for Uthar's offer. I put my hands on my hips and glared at him. "No, it is time for you to die, Master. My pupil stands with me."

He didn't seem surprised, nor really concerned as he asked him "Oh? Is this true, young one? Did you actually fall for helping her in such a foolish scheme? I know you're better than that."

Trevelyan answered in a way I had not expected. "You're right, I am." And he turned his attention to me. "I stand by my friends."

I had no idea why, but those words pierced my heart almost as painfully as if he had told Uthar that he would gut me. He meant exactly what he said, and he did consider me a friend. What the hell kind of Sith was he?

Uthar wasn't ready to give up just yet. "Your loyalty is admirable, if only it weren't so misplaced. I urge you to consider what you do here. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by one as weak as Yuthura. Get rid of her!"

In all that time, I could not dare speak. Maybe I felt that I had lied enough to Trevelyan as it was. It just seemed wrong that he didn't know what I had planned for him after Uthar was dead. If he did, then he wouldn't have called me a friend.

Trevelyan answered. "She's not manipulating me. This is my choice to make."

Uthar scoffed and then withdrew his saber staff. "Typical. All the power of the Force within his grasp and man still can't resist the fairer sex." He deployed the blades of energy from his lightsaber. "Not that it matters. Neither of you are the equal to a Sith master. That will be your final lesson!"

And so it began.

[CENTER]*****[/CENER]

Uthar lunged himself directly at me, twirling his saber almost with great finesse. Although he had the strength to overwhelm me with an overpowering blow, he wanted to finish me off quickly with a flurry of diagonal fan attacks. Deflecting any one would have been easy, but challenging the sheer speed and grace of a saberstaff in the right hands would have been suicidal for anyone.

I found myself boxed into a corner and the only escape was to make a desperate leap over my master, which was a dangerous move. Once anyone was in the air, where they would go was only a matter of ballistics. Anticipating my move, Uthar gripped his saber and got into a ready stance to strike. And although he knew what my next move would be, Uthar didn't quite predict that I would leap back and use the wall behind me to spring myself so far over his head.

I had yet to ready my lightsaber, which I only deployed in mid-air to parry his leaping lance attack. That attack never came, as Uthar had two opponents to deal with. Trevelyan had distracted Uthar long enough with a lightsaber throw that I could get away. After landing on the floor, rolling back to my feet, I twisted myself around just in time to see Trevelyan advance on Uthar. The floating lightsaber returning to his possession, my friend positioned himself between Uthar and myself.

As my master slowly repositioned himself for another attack, I noticed the way his eyes shifted upwards. Without having to give it a second thought, I realized that he intended to bring down a statue which sat behind us. We both used the Force to push the other clear of the path of the falling statue, almost at the exact moment as the other. That was what I found most strange, as we both knew it was coming and could have both backed away. Instead, we both knocked the other off their feet.

Again, Uthar went for me first. The statue had separated me from my ally, so I had to face him alone for at least a few seconds. This time, Uthar came at me with all the strength and ruthlessness he could unleash. My own strength far inferior to his, I resorted to an all-defensive fighting style with the intent to outlast my superior opponent. He wanted me to try and fight him with raw force, but I instead carefully deflected his blows away, even dodging some. His form was so inefficient that I used less than half his energy to fend him off.

As Trevelyan joined the fight again, Uthar soon realized that I wouldn't take an offensive form against him. He then turned his focus almost entirely on Trevelyan, knowing that I would simply hold my ground until the fight was over. When a break in the fight came, Uthar still sought to convince him to leave me to my fate. "You know that she's only using you? You were quick enough to destroy Lashow when she had served her purpose; this one's no different."

I wished that I could hide my emotions better, but I really couldn't deny any of what Uthar had said. Whatever lies or truths I've hidden from him... I didn't want to think about that. Trevelyan took that moment to study me again, probably seeing that frightened little girl I once was instead of the cold and vile creature I had become. I had to admit I was convinced that he saw me for what I was. But there was no resentment in his eyes, no doubt, and something else I couldn't quite describe.

He then looked back to Uthar. "I see much more than that. I won't abandon her."

The way he said those words... it was quite odd. Unfortunately I didn't have time to think, as Uthar sought to end this once and for all. Shouting with a ferocity almost as intense as the lightsaber form he used, Uthar lashed out at us one more time. Trevelyan got between us and retaliated with a form almost as perfect as that of my master's, which ultimately stalemated the other. The clashing of their weapons was so loud that I almost needed to cover my ears, but then realized he needed me to tip the balance in his favor.

With the ferocity form, also known as Juyo, Uthar left himself dangerously open to a Force attack. Even the slightest disruption I could cause would have been enough to break both his concentration and his form, but I chose something much more direct. With a burst of Force lightning, Uthar's lightning-fast flurries ceased with his lighsaber being cut in two. With the electricity flowing through his body, Uthar's muscles tensed until he could not move. Trevelyan took out the red-bladed lightsaber that signified his position as a full Sith and held it at Uthar's chest. "No mercy."

And that so ended the fight. I almost marveled at how dramatic an ending it was, with that final moment right before the victor had the enemy beaten. With just enough time at the end, Uthar knew he was defeated long enough to know he was wrong to stand against us in the first place. That was exactly the kind of thing any Sith would have wanted... only I had envisioned me being the one to do it. I also pictured him dying right there. Trevelyan let a mortally-wounded Uthar fall to the ground, and allowed me to do what I wanted with him.

I knew that Uthar was not the kind who would fall easily, and I expected him to fight to his dying breath. What I didn't expect was that he would use even those last breaths to tell me exactly how much he despised me. As he lay on the floor with a hole in his chest, I took that moment and savored it for all I could. He said I would always be second to him, but I proved him wrong. Kneeling before my dying master, I whispered to him. "Congratulations, Master. Your apprentice has surpassed you. And your death has been too long delayed."

Uthar frowned at me with such scorn, and then spat in my face. "You are despicable, Yuthura Ban. You're weak..." He choked on his own blood as he tried to speak his dying words, but then used even that to his advantage. Spitting a huge blotch of blood at my ally's feet, Uthar cursed at me some more. "If you were, you wouldn't have needed him to kill me."

I knew he was right, but I really didn't care. I was fine knowing that I was inferior to my master at the time I betrayed him; and that I didn't deserve the title I had taken. Wiping away his saliva from my face, I probably turned my head to address both who were in the room. "I can live with that."

Scoffing, Uthar muttered his disappointment. "Sure, you can live with just about everything. Miserable little tramp!" Finally lifting his head to address Trevelyan in the face, Uthar cursed him. "And you, in helping her with this foolish scheme... never turn your back on her. She's a traitorous slut! She's weak... if there's one thing you can trust her to do is to betray you. Kill her before..."

And so with his dying breath, he knew how to hurt me. It was probably for that reason that I didn't shout back at him, as all he spoke of was true. And I hated myself for it. I hated what I've become.

But why did I have reason for disappointment? Everything had gone according to plan. I had become the new headmaster of the Sith Academy, yet I could not enjoy what I had just taken. The one who allied himself with me to defeat Uthar remained a threat. I had no choice but to eliminate him while he did not expect it.

Yet, I couldn't stop thinking about all he spoke of earlier in the academy. If I were to overcome my compassion, would I still have had any concern for the slaves I vowed to free when I first came to this place? Did I really want to kill my friend? Although I had no desire to fight him, I knew I had even less desire to be controlled through fear again. I knew what had to be done.

I made an effort not to look into his eyes, as he had this look about him that I hated. It was the kind of look that seemed to make you want to kill yourself. I had hoped that look might have gone away after he had some real power of his own, but those eyes still gazed upon me as if to silently ask whether what Uthar told him was true. Or was it concern that made him look at me in such a way? Concern that I'd betray him? Or was it concern that I wasn't who I made myself out to be?

Almost pitifully, I declared "Uthar is dead, and a new leader rises to replace him. I'm proud of you. You followed the Sith code very well."

"A code that always ends with betrayal and death?" he asked.

Why did that have to be so difficult for me? Why could I not just have brought myself to just kill him? Could it have been that that man genuinely cared about my life? Only a fool would have killed an ally, but friends among the Sith? Could he have just been using me as I used my twi'lek charm to rise above the ranks? There were too many possibilities. I was overwhelmed by all these unanswered questions. I felt I had no choice but to follow my original plan. I could not hesitate to act, but what I intended to do went against everything that I wanted to do.

I wanted so much to explain my reasons to him, but I knew nothing could have justified what I intended to do... and if I were to betray him, anything I said would have been irrelevant, in any event. But talking at least allowed me to delay the inevitable. "That is the way of the Sith. When one's power surpasses another, the weaker must yield... and I'm afraid that it won't be long before you surpass me as well. I... I can't allow that." Holding my hands together as if to express my remorse as genuinely as possible, I told him the truth at long last about how terrible a person I really was. "I'm sorry. I do truly consider you my friend and I hate myself for doing this, but... I told you there cannot be friends among the Sith. I'm sorry."

I had not known why I warned him of my deceit like that. It would have been most prudent to just attack without warning, but I think I was only trying to convince myself to act. I knew in my heart that I didn't want him to think I was a monster. He at least deserved an explanation.

"Are you sure there is no other way? Are you willing to throw away everything that once mattered to you in a blaze of hatred?"

"I... there is no other way. I should have kept you an arm's length away; for both our sakes. Let's... let's just get this over with."

I engaged my lightsaber as did he. I took a defensive stance and waited for him to make the first strike, but he showed no indication that he was going to fight. He was standing straight up with his lightsaber at his side waiting for me to attack. He appeared saddened by my deceit; he must have truly cared for me. I had already made my challenge; if I went back on it now, I show a weakness that would be exploited. It was my hope that he would at least make the first strike.

After what felt like an eternity, I finally acted. I swung with what usually was a powerful broadside strike, but it was easily deflected. I felt no anger towards him and could not bring myself to feel anything but... remorse and guilt. Why did I feel such emotions? Whatever the reason, I realized I was going to die. I had so much adrenaline channeling through my body that I could not feel anything. For the first time in years, I was terrorized beyond reason. All I wanted to do was to surrender to him, but I knew it was too late. I had already committed myself and I knew I could not win. I would not receive mercy either, so I had to fight and die.

I forced a second swing that didn't even hit his blade. In that moment, I was almost ready to accept death, but against all reason, I kept struggling for life. As I tried to strike again, I was thrown back by a force wave and lost my lightsaber after hitting a wall.

The pain was intense; I realized that I did not want to win this battle. I hated myself for defying everything I believed in and couldn't bring myself to kill my friend. I knew that he was superior to me and deserved this victory. I also knew that I deserved death, but I was too much of a coward to accept it. I became desperate and wailed out, "Please, stop! I yield! You are superior to me. Please... I know I don't deserve it, but please... don't do this. I beg you... I beg you."

I knew that by speaking such words, I would only suffer a great indignity before death, but at that moment, nothing seemed to matter. I knew death was going to take me whether I accepted it or not... and since having suffered greater embarrassments already, such indignities did not concern me anymore.

I was on my hands and knees with my face pressed against the floor. I was practically bowing to him as I had when I was a slave. I knew that I could still stand and fight if I chose, but I would have rather died than suffer this bedlam any longer. I just wanted everything to stop, but my life endured. A long moment passed as I laid on the floor with all the tears I have held back for four years being shed in a moment. Why have I not been struck down? Was he tormenting me?

I finally got an answer: the gentle touch of an open hand on my left shoulder. It was so gentle, yet it startled me more than a killing blow. The last time I felt such a touch was when I was found on a barren world almost a decade ago. It had been so long... I had forgotten the feeling. It was like I had been given the most complete answer that could be received. It gave me some peace... some serenity.

Then he said something that shattered that: "Would a true sith ask for mercy?"

He had just hurt me worse than any killing strike ever could. He was going to torment me before the end. All the terror and pain surged through me as I felt betrayed by his gentle touch. His words were so painful that I shrieked, "Please don't torment me! If you're going to kill me, just do it!"

He lowered himself to the floor and spoke softy, "If you ask for mercy, you have it. I would never kill a defenseless opponent. But... I must know; would a true sith ask for mercy?"

Again, I began feeling relief, but was still fearful of what would happen next. Somehow, I knew that his words were genuine. I asked "Why do you spare me? A true sith would not hesitate to strike me down; especially after what I've done." I raised my head to look him in the eyes. "You're not a sith, are you? Or a much greater one than I."

He shook his head.

After a long moment of silence, I asked "So what happens now? I never imagined anyone would show mercy to a sith."

"Yuthura, I don't think you ever wanted to become a sith, did you? Why did you leave the jedi and come here? Please tell me."

I lowered my head again, more tears streamed down my cheeks. I then looked right into his eyes and told him as honestly as I could, "Those slaves... I wanted to free them. That's all this was ever about. I was seeking a means to fight injustice... to turn fear against those who prey on those who couldn't defend themselves. The chains from the sith code: to me, they have always represented what bound sentient beings and took away their freedom. I wanted to break those chains. The jedi... they wouldn't help me."

"What? Why wouldn't they?" He asked.

"They claimed that my feelings ran too deep... that I had to purge myself of all my anger and hate before I could help others. But if my... passion to free others were gone, would I have still cared about those slaves? I felt that I couldn't let go of those feeling because they would always be a part of who I was. I think... I was afraid of losing myself.

"The jedi claimed the dark side was evil, but it isn't so. Sometimes anger and hate are so deserved and right. It was because of anger that I escaped Sleheyron. When I refused to let go of those feelings, the jedi restrained me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Why did you join the sith?"

"I wanted to use the force so I could fight as I was meant to. The jedi wouldn't teach me, so there were only the sith. I felt that I was unimportant if I could make a difference to so many others. I hated the life I had chosen, but I wanted so much to fight slavery that I was willing to do anything to end it.

"As the months passed, I began thinking about them less and less. It wasn't until... you that I remembered why I first came here. You were right: all the things I wanted to do, all the wrongs I wanted to right... I haven't done any of it. They just get farther and farther from my mind. This isn't what I wanted to happen. I left the Jedi so that my resolve to fight slavery would be preserved. Instead, I used it to justify anything I did. " I dropped my head in shame. "This isn't the person I wanted to become."

Trevelyan moved his head closer to mine and whispered to me. "It's not too late for you to change that. If you don't want to be a sith, then you should leave this place. You may not be able to change what has already been done, but you can change what is yet to happen. What you have forgotten... you can remember again. Those slaves still need help and you can still provide it. It's not too late... it may even help you to find some peace."

"Peace?" I don't remember the last time I felt such a thing. Ever since I joined the sith, I have never had to silence my emotions. My anger and hate have destroyed what little peace I have ever known. I have not felt as trapped on Sleheyron as I have on Koriban. Yet despite everything that has happened, I never realized how much I missed the jedi. I never understood just how much I wanted to be free. Instead, I chose to become a slave to my pursuit of power... The longer I remained here, the harder it has been to live with myself. Then I thought, 'There is no emotion; there is peace...' I think I understand now.

After living four years with only anger and hate, I would be a fool not to understand. The more I pursued my passions, the more trapped I became. The more I wanted to break the chains others have placed, the more I placed around my neck.

"Maybe the only thing I ever really wanted was peace after all. My true desire may always have been to free myself of the memories that have plagued my mind and made it difficult to think about anything else. The jedi tried to show me that." I realized now that I have only made it harder to live with myself. I have only acted on what I sought to escape. The guilt I should have felt over the last four years has finally caught up with me. The tears I now shed were from the pain I felt in my gut.

In desperation, I wailed "How can I expect to find peace now? I've done so many things... hurt so many. I've defied everything that mattered to me; what am I supposed to do?"

"You can learn to let go of your anger and hate. If you can free yourself of those emotions, you can become the person you want to be. The guilt you feel; it can only come from one who understands the suffering of others. If you feel it, it means that you have turned away from the dark side. I know you'll choose to do what's right."

I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. "Who are you? I sense much of the dark side within you, yet you act out of the light. I knew from the moment we first met that there was something different about you; more so than I ever suspected."

He gave a proud smile and replied, "Indeed. I am Darth Revan."

"Revan?" I was shocked to hear such an answer, but I knew it was true. It made sense how he could bask in the power of the darkside without loosing himself to it. "Yes, I should have known from the beginning, but you're not the Dark Lord you once were, are you? You are Revan... and yet you are not. How can that be?"

"I'm still not fully aware of that. It may have been that the force lead me down this path. It may also be that I simply made a choice... as do you. If you wish it, you could come with me."

I wanted so much to accept his offer, but I knew that I would only be a burden on him. I could not dare ask it of him. He has already given me more than I could ever return. "Believe me... nothing would honor me more greatly than to be with you, but I can't be with anyone... not now. Not until I learn to deal with my guilt. You have your own destiny to follow and my presence would just interfere with what you have to do."

"Don't concern yourself with me. Whatever you need, I am willing to..."

I interrupted. "Only I can help myself at this time. You have done more for me than you will ever know, and I intend to do the same for you when I am able. Don't worry about me; I'll be fine. When I am ready, I will return to the jedi, if only to face my crimes. You have a destiny, my friend and I wish you well on your way to it. Thank-you; and may the force be with you."

I picked myself up and limped towards the entrance to the tomb. I was still in intense physical pain, but I made my way out as quickly as I could, trying not to limp. Revan just stood there and let me leave that horrible place on my own. I never looked back, but I think he had been watching me as a father would to a daughter taking her first steps. I felt undeserving of such a fate. What happened there... what I did that day was entirely because of Revan. It is because of him that I found myself. It was because of him that I saw the dark side for what it was and turned away from it.

It had been so long since I was free. I didn't care how much I had lost of myself over the last four or five years. All that mattered was that the chains that bound me to the Sith had been broken forever. I was free.