WARNING! SPOILERS FOR REAL NAME'S AND ENDING OF THE SERIES! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! AND I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE!
The Discovery of Fanfiction
L stared at the assembly of the few acquaintances he possessed. Mello was grumbling to himself, glaring at Near, and eating chocolate as often as he drew breath. Matt was reclining on a couch, a video game system that L had never bothered learn the name of in his hands. Near was sitting placidly on the floor playing with robots/cars/other miscellaneous toys quietly. B, as per usual, was carving profane language into the wood of the floor and grinning creepily whenever he looked above someone's head.
"Ryuzaki? What the hell is going on?" an irritated voice asked. How could have L forgotten about the teen attached to his wrist by flashing handcuffs? Oh, that's right. He didn't. He just liked to pretend to. It served to further anger the auburn haired boy. "Why are Mello, Matt, Near, and B here?" Light blinked in surprise. "And how do I know their names?"
"Aliases would be the proper term, and all in time, Light," L said dismissively. Light huffed and crossed his arms. Because Light Yagami is totally prone to huffing. As is the author is to breaking the fourth wall. Anyway. L turned to the assortment of possible successors/murderers/homosexuals/future adopted children of his and Light's with his usual blank expression.
"I have called you here to discuss some very distressing news." This did not cause the attention L had hoped for. If anything this only caused everyone to have a disinterested expression. Oh come one! It wasn't like L called these meeting often! Only when he was out of cake, or when he felt the urge to humiliate Light, or when he couldn't sleep…oh, right. So virtually all the time.
"I'm so pleased to see your concern," L said dryly. Everyone shrugged unapologetically. "Fine. I will continue to tell you of our dire situation anyway. I believe, that we," he gestured to everyone in the room, "are fictional characters."
There we're no gasps, no cries of, "This cannot be! Save us oh great and powerful detective L!" not that L wanted to hear that. At least not from anyone except Light…
"Cool," Matt finally said.
"That's all you have to say? Cool?" L asked agitatedly.
"Well yeah…. Hasn't everyone wanted to be a fictional character before? It's kinda like the Matrix." Mello smacked him upside the head.
"Enough with your nerd references," Mello ordered taking Matt's random game playing device. Matt looked hardly bothered, his thumbs continuing to pretend to play.
"You can hardly talk, Mello," Near added, twirling a lock of curly white hair. "You've seen the Matrix at least twenty-five times. Something about how Neo's leather is incredibly sexy and badass."
"Shut up Near!" Mello hissed and he caught a glimpse of B's knife out of the corner of his eye. "Oi! B! Wanna lend me that?" B looked at him lazily and then above Near's head.
"Depends," B answered in a voice eerily similar to L's. "Are you aiming to kill or maim?" Mello grinned predatorily.
"You tell me." B returned the grin.
"Unfortunately, this one's got a lot of time left, but that doesn't mean he can't spend it on oxygen in a hospital," B explained with a chilling laugh at the end.
"Stop encouraging him!" Light interjected. B rolled his yes and muttered something like, "what's a guy got to do to see some blood spilled?" "Besides, don't you think we should finish listening to Ryuzaki's theory?" Light suggested gesturing to a sulking L in the corner.
"No," everyone chorused. Light facepalmed.
"L controls Watari who controls when we leave this room and any provisions coming in or out of it," Light reiterated. The genii whispered among themselves.
"Fine," Mello said.
"Great," Light said with a sigh of relief. "Now we just need someone to cheer him up." B lit up.
"I'll do it!" B yelled enthusiastically tackling the unsuspecting detective.
"Is Lawli sad?" B asked in a mock baby voice. "BB will make it better!" B started nuzzling L like a deranged cat. "Mm, BB bets Lawli tastes good…" B trailed off baring his teeth about to take a good bite out of L's neck. L shoved him off and quickly stood, well slouched really, and backed away.
"Despite your generous offer to test out that theory as well as mine that you are possibly cannibalistic, I will have to pass," L deadpanned. B cursed profusely under his breath, though the menacing effect was slightly ruined by his pout.
"So, Ryuzaki," Light prompted before anything else bizarre could happen, cue author laughing hysterically here, "why do you think we're fictional characters?"
"I thought that would have been fairly obvious, Light." Light rolled his eyes at the slight, but overall ignored it. "For one thing, the very ideas of a murderer who kills with just a name and a face, a socially inept detective with a butler, and an orphanage filled with similarly social inept children who are obsessed with said detective in their own unique ways, are just preposterous."
"Hey!" Mello yelled. B shrugged.
"Eh, you got me there. But I think I win in the obsessed in unique way award," B said.
"I agree," Light said warily, scooting away from the serial killer. "But getting back on topic, that's hardly solid proof. If anything it's just basis for suspicion."
"I would agree with you Light, but I have found what even the most dubious person would call 'solid proof,'" L explained blankly.
"Oh, just say it already L, so we can get out of here and I can kill Near without any witnesses!" Mello interjected, irritated with L's tediously slow reveal.
"Very well," L agreed, ambling over to a laptop. After typing in a ridiculously long password due to his incurable paranoia, a webpage came to life on the screen.
"Fanfiction," Light read out slowly, as the words were written in English. "L, am I translating this properly?" L nodded.
"Oh yeah, I've read that," Matt suddenly said. Mello started.
"You read that drivel?" Mello asked in disgust.
"Well, yeah. It's pretty funny to read some of the pairings people make up."
"Pairings," Near stated, rather than asked.
"Yeah, you know," Matt said helpfully, his thumbs flying across his invisible PSP. "Where you pair two characters up. A lot of it's pretty funny. Especially the yaoi and crack couples. And of course the OCs and how people say they're not Marysues, but totally are and the OTPs people get really worked up over. It's hysterical." B leaned over to stage whisper in Mello's ear.
"Oi, I think your techy finally lost it. Can I have him as an apprentice?" B asked with a deranged giggle. "I bet he would be perfect at removing vital organs form young children…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Moving on," Light said nervously, "Ryuzaki could please finish this up? I haven't looked at myself for more than twenty minutes."
"Ah of course I will in order to accommodate Light's narcissistic qualities," L said. "Now, I have found on this website christened '' a section on an anime called 'Death Note.' Now this series seems to be compiled of our attempts at capturing Kira who kills with a notebook placed on Earth by a being called a shinigami. Hence the series is called Death Note. I am having trouble discerning how exactly the series ends and what events actually transpire, because as Matt says, the fans have altered many aspects of the storyline. What I have managed to gather from these inaccurate accounts, is Light is Kira, Misa is the second Kira, I am killed by a shinigami named Rem assisting Kira, Mello is killed by a woman named Takada posing as a Kira under Light's orders, Matt is killed by Takada's bodyguards, B was killed by Kira, Near finally solved the case, and Light was killed by his shinigami named Ryuk."
"Well fuck," Mello muttered.
"I'm cool with it," Matt said, casting a side glance at Mello.
"Eh. I'm kinda pissed I was killed by that pansy over there," B said nodding at Light, "but the whole death thing never bugged me. I set myself on fire. If that doesn't say, 'pfft, death doesn't scare me,' I don't know what does."
"I too find that this turn of events is not frustrating. I won, as I should have," Near murmured apathetically. Mello proceeded to flip Near off and curse at him in a mixture of German and Russian because people are stupid and are too lazy to find out his true ethnicity (Slovenian by the way. Just saying…).
"L, that is clearly just a poorly thought out plan you came up to arrest me as Kira," Light accused. "How can I be Kira if I don't remember it?"
"The shinigami removed your memories, obviously. Really Light, your intellect must be failing you," L patronized. "Now as much I would love to continue arguing with you, I believe I must address more issues in regards to this. More specifically, the pairings that the fans have created."
"P-pairings?" Light stuttered.
"Yes, Light," L said solemnly. "Pairings. Now I feel it is my duty to inform you of the pairings that the fans have deemed the most popular." L tugged a list out of his pocket and began to read aloud. "The first most popular seems to be, inexplicably, Light and myself."
"W-what?" Light asked in horror his face beginning to match the hue of a tomato. Mello and B roared in laughter. "Shut up!"
"The second most popular paring is Mello and Matt," L continued unaffected by the jeering looks directed towards him by B. This cut Mello's laughter short and he and Matt glanced at each other, before shrugging, clearly not bothered.
"The third most popular is…hm. Perhaps I should not read this while Mello is unrestrained…" L considered this for a moment, and decided to continue on anyway. "Mello and Near." There was silence. The calm before the storm. And then…well this happened.
"NO FUCKING WAY I'M WITH THAT ALBINO BASTARD!" Mello shrieked in rage as he tried to claw Near's eyes out. Luckily for Near, Light stepped in and restrained him, because no one else could be bothered to.
"Who's topping?" Matt asked nonchalantly. Mello stopped his desperate clawing to turn to L. L peered at the list.
"The majority of the time it seems to be Mello…but there are quite a few events in which it is Near," L answered. Mello resumed his attempt to murder Near.
"Near," Light huffed out as he continued to hold Mello back, "don't you think you could at least move?"
"But then I would be depriving you of this educational experience," Near said.
"How is this educational?" Light yelled. Near gave him detached look.
"Perhaps learning why is what makes it educational." Light growled angrily.
"Can't I just let Mello kill him?" he asked L.
"Unfortunately, no. Watari does not condone murder of any kind," L explained. Light cursed quietly. "The pairings after that vary, but another popular one seems to be B and myself."
"Hell yes!" B said licking his lips and looking at L with a lusty expression. L blinked.
"B please refrain from molesting me in front of my other successors," L ordered in a bored voice. Mello finally stopped trying to kill Near and Light released him. Panting slightly Light sat down.
"While that's very interesting Ryuzaki, why did you feel compelled to tell us?" Light asked.
"Because I believe that we, in this very moment, are not only fictional characters, but in a fanfiction."
"What makes you think that Lawliet?" Light asked.
"You just addressed me as Lawliet, my last name which I have never told you. Matt also suddenly has a new game system though Mello is in possession of his old one. Mello is also now currently sitting in Matt's lap proactively eating a chocolate bar while you have been ogling me throughout this whole explanation." Light flushed.
"That still isn't enough to convince me, Lawliet, I mean L, I mean Ryuzaki," Light argued. L sighed.
"I was hoping it wouldn't come to this Light, but you have forced me to take drastic measures." L tugged out his cell phone and made a quick call. "Yes, Watari. Send her in." L shut the phone. "I would advise you all to handle this woman with extreme caution."
The door swung open, revealing a beautiful young woman with extremely vague features. Her eyes sparkled and her hair shimmered in the light; twisting in some unseen breeze. Her clothes were revealing, but somehow still tasteful. Near gazed at her, his mouth agape as he instantly fell in love with her.
"I would stand to greet you," Near said eyes wide with love, "but my legs render me incapable. Tell me, what is your name?" The goddess in human form giggled and answered him.
"My name is Aphrodite because everyone falls in love with me because I'm so perfect and beautiful," she said modestly.
"What the hell?" Mello and Light asked simultaneously. "Who is that?" Light continued on his own.
"That Light, is a Marysue. An original character created usually as a love interest and the author's version of what they wish to be," L answered. Light looked on in horror as "Aphrodite" and Near stared lovingly into each other's eyes.
"That is what the author wants to be?" Light asked.
"Of course not Light. The author is not delusional enough to create such a character to represent herself. I asked the author to include "Aphrodite" to serve my own purposes," L deadpanned.
"Alright L, I believe you. Now how do we get rid of her?" Light hissed jerking his head in the Marysue's direction.
"I have it on good authority from the author that the situation will resolve itself," L responded easily. "I suggest you sit back and watch." Light shot L a look, but nodded and focused on Near and the Marysue.
At first glance, Near and Aphrodite were simply mushily staring into each other eyes. And then B slowly crept up behind them, his shadow looming over the lovesick pair. Aphrodite turned to look up at B and her eyes widened.
"Oh no Near! It appears my beauty has attracted yet another admirer! And I seem to have fallen in love with as well! Who shall I choose?" Aphrodite cried out desolately.
"Oh shut up," B said blankly seizing the Marysue by her hair and dragging her along the floor and out the door, flipping open a pocket knife. And then the piercing screams began.
"It appears B is immune to Marysues," L mused.
"How did B get the door open?" Mello asked. Matt shrugged.
"Does it matter? This story is full of plot holes. It's probably gonna have some lame ending too," Matt observed.
AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
~Author's Note~
This is the crack my brain creates after reading too much yaoi. And eating sugar. I can't really explain this…