CIA was given to me by enviousxbeauty, she gave me the term and told me to run with it. She also is my Rouge Beta of Awesome.

To anyone who read WINchester F.A.Q.: This is set pre-Chuck. But I'm sure Archie will find a way to him sooner or later.

Castiel's Inept Angels, C.I.A.: The Angels Nobody Talks About

Chapter One: Idiosyncrasies

"Get the fuck up you lazy bastards!" Castiel yelled storming through the garrison. "Rise and shine!"

"Eep!" Eliza shriek jumping up in bed.

She looked around at the five other bunks in the garrison her fellow warriors shared. Everyone was slowly waking up.

"Geeze, Cas, relax!" Archie moaned throwing a pillow at Castiel.

Castiel looked at all of their bunks. "Get. Up. Now. Or you'll be running laps for an hour!"

Immediately Eliza, Josh, Aretha, Archie, Charlie and Eric jumped out of bed to stand in front of a very grumpy Castiel. He glared at them. "Archie," he grumbled, "why is there sharpie on your right wing?"

Josh coughed loudly to hide his laugh. Eliza glared at him. Archie looked at his fellow teammates, then back to Castiel. "Erm, it's an accident."

Castiel threw his hands in the air. "You guys had a party again last night, didn't you?"

Charlie giggled. Her short brown hair was unkempt after the drinking binge last night. Aretha elbowed her into silence.

Castiel looked them over. Eliza's red hair was pulled back, and her freckles stood out against her pale skin. She wore a barely concealed grin. Josh slumped as he stood; his shaggy blonde hair was falling into his eyes. Aretha's curly dark locks fell over her shoulders at odd angles as she glared at her bunkmates with red rimmed eyes. Eric looked the most awake out of all of them, and he even managed to stand properly at attention.

Archie, Castiel noticed, wasn't even wearing standard khakis and green shirt. He was wearing ripped jeans and a black tee. Castiel sighed. "Do you chuckle heads even know why I'm here?"

Charlie brushed her bangs away from her green eyes. "Um, because you wanted to join the party?"

Everyone glared at her. "I meant metaphorically." She corrected.

Archie massaged his temple, trying to push back his massive hangover.

"No," Castiel corrected, "Because you guys are the joke of all the angels!"

Aretha bowed her head in shame. Josh frowned slightly. "Look." Castiel stared at them. "I'm here to make sure you guys know at least the basics of Heaven's Warriors before you go out and do something completely retarded."

Eric raised one eyebrow. "That's kind of harsh, man."

Castiel stared him straight in the eye. "Kind of harsh? You mean the way you KINDA DROPPED THE TEST SAMPLE OF SWINE FLU ON MEXICO?"

Josh held up his hand to high five Eric. "That was pretty cool…"

"Now is not the time, Josh." Eric muttered under his breath.

Eliza pouted. "C'mon, Cas, give us a break, chill."

"I'm sorry, Eliza." Casitel said with cold steel in his voice. "I thought you got enough of a break when you spent the last century hiding out in Antarctica 'just chilling?' You melted the fucking glacier!"

A moment of silence fell on the group. Castiel pointed to the door. "I don't need to tell you what failures you are. Go out that door, run laps for five minuets and meet me on the field."

As they filed out shuffling their feet, Castiel held Archie back. "And you," he hissed, "they already warned me about you. That bubonic plague shit doesn't work here, so you better shape up Archie. You may have lifted prohibition in America, but I will not tolerate you drinking habits in my Garrison. Understand?"

Archie grumbled yes.

"Good. Now change, and run 20 laps."

"Dick." Archie muttered under his breath as he slowly, savoring each exercise free moment, took off last night's outfit.

"Hurry up Archie!" Castiel called. "Or everyone's running more laps and it's on you!"

o-o-o-o-o

Thirty minutes of laps later, the inept angels stood in the training field sweating and glaring at Archie. He stuffed his fists into his pants pockets and averted their gaze. "After today," Castiel said pacing in front of them, "I expect you guys to uphold some sort of hygiene policy. Shine your halos, and wash your wings once in awhile."

Josh took his halo off. He spit on it once or twice and used the corner of his shirt to polish it. He readjusted it on his head with a crooked grin. "Much better," Eliza said sarcastically.

Charlie smiled idiotically as she gazed appreciatively at Castiel. "Okay." She said to no one in particular.

"You are such a suck up." Eric said rolling his eyes.

"And further more," Castiel continued ignoring their whispers, "we are ANGELS of the LORD. So tomorrow, I expect you all to have washed you wings."

"With what?" Archie called out. Aretha looked at her sharpie signature on his wing. She had been hoping that it wouldn't fade.

"Bubble bath." Castiel said simply.

"Oh." Charlie half sighed.

"Now, recently I've been getting some disturbing reports from our below. Apparently some humans are reporting being 'touched by an angel.' I think we need to cover what's appropriate and what's not."

"Like this?" Archie asked as he smacked Aretha's ass.

Aretha cuffed his shoulder. She shrieked, "I told you that was one time!'

"Archie, thank you for volunteering. Step forward." Castiel said beckoning Archie forward.

Archie walked forward. Josh smiled, "Dude! You so deserved that."

Archie glared at him as he stepped forward. "Okay, for clarification, this is where it's okay to touch people." Castiel announced.

He pressed his palm into Archie's shoulder, and then gently touched Archie's upper back. "Clear?"

The group nodded.

"Am I done yet?" Archie whined, swatting away Castiel's hand.

Eliza and Aretha looked at each other and started giggling. "Alright we got that awkwardness out of the way." Castiel looked around. "Anyone have any announcements before we go on?"

Josh's blonde bangs had fallen into his face again. He looked up with a serious expression. "Yeah…um, I just wanted to say… Rachel's still in the Medical Tent, but like, the doc says she'll be out any day now…seriously."

Castiel folded his arms over his chest. "Thank you Josh for the update. What can we learn from this?"

Charlie had her hand raised before he finished speaking. "Oh! Oh! Don't drink and fly!"

Eric yelled out. "Always wear safety goggles?"

Castiel held up his hand. "Okay, okay, while those are all perfectly excellent ideas, I was referring to something specific. Do not fly near jet planes."

There was a collective, "Ooooh."

"Now," Castiel clapped his hands. "Our first activity for the day is going to be learning proper battle techniques."

Castiel reached into the large trunk he had brought with himself and drew out three quivers, and bows with arrows as well as three shields. He explained patiently, "I cannot trust you dunder heads with actual arrows, so we will be practicing with Cupid's."

Josh bobbed his head in agreement. "Sweeeet."

Castiel handed out arrows to Eliza, Eric, and Charlie. Josh, Archie, and Aretha were handed shields with large targets painted on them. They all looked at each other mischievously.

"Okay," Castiel said, holding up his own bow, "here's how to aim…"

He took a perpendicular stance. Using his draw-arm he pulled the string tight and aimed the bow with his other hand lining up his sight of vision. When he let the arrow fly it landed squarely in the center of Josh's shield. "Whoa." Josh said in a very mellow tone.

"Wait, wait, show us again?" Eliza pleaded holding her bow out.

Eric was holding his bow upside down looking at him perplexed.

"Okay class, follow me exactly this time."

This time, Eliza, Eric, and Charlie copied his motions and let arrows fly.

Castiel had to move quickly to doge the arrows flying at his head.

Aretha threw her shield down and held her arms over her face. Eliza's arrow landed right between the grass at her feet. Archie held up his shield half-heartedly. Eric's arrow missed the shield completely and hit Archie squarely in the ass. Archie yelped. After a moment, a look of bliss over came him and he glanced and at Charlie. "Hey baby," he slurred, "wotcha doing later?"

Charlie huffed. She'd been aiming for Castiel. "Well," she said half-heartedly, "I guess not much."

Castiel clapped his hands together bringing everyone to attention. "Archie- Stop. Cupid gave me his practice bows and arrows, you dog."

Archie smiled unapologetically at Charlie. She batted her green eyes at him and winked. Then she reached over to him and yanked out the arrow. He hissed, "Damn girl! Watch it!"

"Okay, guys trade off this time. And try and aim for the shield?"

Archie took the bow and grumbled as he raised it up. "Sure, sure, aim…."

Eric held up the shield. "Hey man…sorry about…"

THWAP

Eric yelped at the sudden onslaught from Archie. Archie winked at him and jokingly blew smoke off his bow. Eric pulled the arrow out of the shield's outer rings. "That was almost my leg!"

"Well at least it wasn't your ass!" Archie shot back. Eric held up his shield hurriedly.

Josh looked dumbfounded at the bow and arrow contraption for a minute. He tenderly picked it up and aimed. When he let his arrow fly it landed in the exact middle of Eliza's shield.

Castiel nodded, somewhat happy to see that someone was getting it. "You're the saddest bunch I ever met but you can bet before we're through Mister, I'll make a man out of you."

The girls protested loudly. "Okay, okay, I'll just make you warriors okay?"

"Eh," Aretha shrugged, "it'll do."

"Alright, guys bring the arrows back. We'll try that again later."

Charlie stopped swinging her arrows around like swords. She pouted before handing it back. Castiel set the magic bows, and less magical arrows into his trunk and beckoned for everyone to step forward.

"Clearly, we have to start with something simpler. Who knows how to make a miracle?"

Archie raised his hand, jumping up and down in his excitement.

"Charlie." Castiel pointed to her. "Do you know?"

"Pick me! Pick me!" Archie whined.

"Um," Charlie fidgeted. "You-"

"You turn water into beer!" Archie yelled.

Castiel glared at him. "Archie, that's not a miracle, that's an addiction and it's time for you to quit."

Archie blushed. "I can quit any time I want!"

Eliza patted his shoulder. "It's cool man, chill."

"Um, a miracle?" Charlie piped up. "Isn't when you make a puppy every time somebody…"

"No." Castiel said firmly ending her sentence. "But you're right; a miracle is dependant on several important factors. Can anyone name them?"

Eric's hand shot into the air. At Castiel's nod he recited, like a text book, the answer; "It depends on if the emergency it cute, serious, or tragic."

"And which one do you need God's permission for?" Castiel prompted.

"Tragic?" Eliza offered.

"Exactly," Castiel nodded, "only Bobby…"

"Did you mean God?" Josh asked.

Castiel looked at him. "That's what I said. Only He can raise the dead."

Eric crossed his arms over his chest. "But if it's rescuing a puppy from a fire or a kid from a well?"

Castiel nodded. "Exactly, that other stuff is up to us, and it's a very ancient responsibility that needs to be taken seriously."

Josh leaned forward. "Whoa man, that's some heavy shit."

Archie looked at Josh and hissed, "Are you high?"

Josh's wing fluttered and he smiled.

Aretha glared at them. "Quiet guys!"

"So," Charlie said with bated breath, "how do it?"

"Alright, are you guys paying attention?"

They all nodded.

"This is our highest secret. You may not tell anyone!"

Aretha brushed her dark hair from face. "Well of course."

Castiel glared at her. "You especially, Aretha. Last time somebody told you where the Garrison keeps the beer you told a Cross Roads Demon."

Aretha protested. "She said she could give me wings!"

Eliza tapped on her shoulder. "You HAVE wings! Damnit Aretha, didn't I tell you? You gotta trade for gummy bears next time."

Aretha nodded. "Yeah, gummy bears are the shit."

Castiel cleared his throat loudly. "I cannot believe I even have to tell you this. Let me repeat: DO NOT TRUST Cross Roads Demons!"

Archie laughed at the girls. "Okay," Castiel tried again, "How to perform a miracle."

"Everyone hold your hand like this." Castiel held out his hand at a slight 25 degree angle, elbow bent, and with his palm curved just so. He had to adjust some people's hand motions. When he was sure everyone was set he took out six top hats and set one in front of each of his charges.

"Now, focus on your goal." Castiel pointed to the top hat. "Today, you must try to make a rabbit appear out of that hat."

Eric furrowed his brow in grim determination.

Castiel crossed his fingers. "And repeat after me:…"

"After me."

"Shut up, Archie. Let me finish."

"Shut up, Archie. Let me finish." Josh solemnly echoed.

Eliza kicked him. Castiel glared at them until they stopped fidgeting.

"Bippety…"

"Bippety!" Six voices echoed.

"Boppity!"

"Boppity!" Six voices yelled, getting excited.

"BOO!" Castiel said with power.

"BOOOOOO!" The six angels yelled, their eyes suddenly flashing with power.

The Inter-Garrison Messenger, who had just run in to the practice nearly fainted in shock. Josh's miscalculation and sudden change in his attention span inadvertently led to the Messenger's tragic transformation into a taco.

Three bunnies hopped out of half the top hats. One of which was pink. Eliza picked up her bunny. "Oh! It's so adorable!"

Archie picked up his hat angrily. He shook it, yelling, "Damnit bunny! Get out here!"

A bored moth flew out his hat. Eric held up his bunny proudly, he stuck his tongue out at Archie. Charlie frowned to see a small beagle puppy crawl out of her top hat whimpering.

Josh picked the taco up, and was about to eat it when Castiel took it from him. "Hey man… I wanted a tac-oh."

"Josh, you can't eat the Messenger. It'll taste like crap." Castiel set the taco down on the ground. He pointed at it and mumbled, "Bippety, boppity, boo."

The taco transformed into a dazed Messenger. "Uh, whoa. Are you Castiel?"

Archie waved his wand. "Why yes I am."

Castiel shook his head. "Don't listen to Archie. I am Castiel."

The messenger looked at the two of them back and forth. Castiel tapped his shoulder. "Look, here's my dog tag."

Castiel waved it in front of the messengers face. The messenger squinted at it.

"Okay," he said trying to sound official, "I just got something from central intelligence."

Eliza looked at them "Man, they should have an agency for that. So the memos don't get lost."

The messenger looked at the unruly crowd. "Ignore them." Castiel said helpfully. "What else?"

"Your… garrison… and I use that term lightly, is to report for duty tomorrow." The messenger said pompously.

There were cheers amongst the angels. "Great," Castiel said with a false smile, "Give me the damn memo and get the hell out of my face before I let Josh turn you into a taco again."

The messenger bolted. Castiel looked at his garrison. They were currently racing their bunnies. Archie was taking bets. He sighed and opened up the memo.

Tomorrow was not going to be a good day.

.:to be continued:.

Taco, anyone?