A/N: Thanks to Hey-Diddle-Diddle for the random promptiness.
Hatake Kakashi didn't think that materializing as if from nowhere in front of his door was unusual, nor was he particularly proud of his ability to do so. At this point in time, he wasn't giving much thought to anything at all, save for getting inside as quickly as he could so he could fall into his bed as quickly as he could. He would have liked to materialize straight into the bed, if not for the little problem of solid walls, which were trouble even for a genius such as himself.
Key slid into lock, handle turned, door swung open. The jounin sauntered into his room for appearance' sake, and he looked cool even though it was complete auto-pilot. Door shut, he leaned against it but only for a moment—he wouldn't stop now, not when he was so close to his long awaited goal. Shoes came off as he stepped into his small living space, the rest of his clothes piling on the floor beside his bed soon after. The hitai-ate was laid carefully on the windowsill next to his pictures of both his teams. Then, even the mask came off, tugged over his head, his hair snapping with static electricity.
The sheets were too cold for too long; he'd been too cold for too long. He curled into a ball, squeezing his eyes tight, trying to magnify his body heat while waiting for the blankets to catch it and retain it. Gradually he loosened up under the covers, stretching out of his warmed patch into the rest of the still-cool bed. His feet stayed as cold as when he had walked in, especially his toes. But it stopped mattering almost right away as he sank into his pillow and into sorely needed sleep.
"I'll see your 30 and raise you 4 and a half," Kakashi said coolly, tossing said amount of walnuts into the pot. He straightened his tie a little smugly before reaching for his martini. The others around the tree stump grumbled unhappily in that woody way nutcrackers tend to have when they are unhappy.
"I ain't made of money," one growled, tossing his cards down. His goateed jaw clacked up and down a few times, angry.
"Me neither," the one across from him agreed. "I'm out." He turned to the small gray rabbit at his side. "Let's go, Bun." The rabbit snorted, but began to hop away, dragging its nutcracker companion along behind it.
Kakashi watched them go, smirking before turning to his final opponent. "How about you, King? Are you in? Or are you scared stiff?" He thought it was a very clever insult, so he laughed haughtily for a few seconds.
King Kracker, the boss of all underworld walnut dealings, glared back from tiny painted black eyes. "The game's not up yet. I'll show you where you belong!" He flattened his cards face up on the tree stump, cackling.
"That's nothing! Look at this!" Kakashi leapt up, suave and graceful in his black tuxedo, and slapped down all of his cards. There were so many that they took up the entire stump, covering King's cards and overflowing onto the other nutcracker that had stuck around to watch the outcome. "I win, I win!" he shouted, jumping around. Several other Kakashi's gathered around and danced with him.
"You're a cheater, that's what you are!" the bested King screamed. "You used your damn black ninja arts and cheated! There's no way you could have that many cards! Give me back my nuts!"
"Your nuts are mine!" the Kakashi's shouted back. With that, they all began to gather as many as they could, shoving them into various pockets so that their tuxedoes bulged all over. Some of the Kakashi's gathered too many, and began to float away, like big black balloons. They got caught in the branches up above, and the rest of the Kakashi's climbed up to bring them back down.
Kakashi was left facing King Kracker alone. "You know where you belong! In the loser's furnace!" With the speed of many winds, Kakashi hefted the nutcracker and shot him into the furnace, where his sappy insides sizzled and popped merrily.
"Excuse me, Mr. Hatake?"
Kakashi turned, disappointed that his enjoyment of the fire would be so quickly interrupted. Behind him stood a little yellow toy duck in a sharp looking black suit and shades.
"Mr. Hatake, I'm from the internal revenue service. We've found reports that you've been using your damn black ninja arts for no good. I'm sorry, but we have to repossess this furnace." The duck agent rolled forward, his head bobbing back and forth rhythmically.
"What if I let you enjoy this fire with me? We can throw all the walnuts onto it, and then it'll smell like Christmas." Kakashi knew just what the government men needed to hear. They'd never take him off to the Big House.
"Mr. Hatake, you should know that I have received training to resist your damn black ninja arts. However, man to man, I would be glad to share in the warmth of this happy flame. Men! Out of the bushes. We've got a fire to enjoy."
Hundreds of small yellow ducks dressed in black swarmed out of the bushes, heads bobbing chaotically as they each took a seat around the fire.
"Say," Kakashi started to the duck closest to him. "Why do you all wear those sunglasses? What are you trying to hide?"
The duck hardly even glanced over to him. "That's highly classified government information, civilian. Don't ask, don't get tazered and beaten, and taken in for off-the-record experimentation." He turned back to the fire, light glistening off his dark glasses.
Kakashi shrugged, tossing some walnuts onto the fire. The ducks cheered, and the ashy remnants of King Kracker cursed some.
Kakashi knew he was awake before he really was, one of the side-effects of being a ninja. He stretched languidly, relaxing in the comforting feeling of waking up in his own warm bed. Light fell in from the window, morning already. The memory of returning home from a mission last night bone-weary and cold was as ephemeral as the dream he'd just had.
And what the hell was up with that, anyway?
He grunted and craned his neck to peer at the clock. An hour till he had to meet his cute genin brats. Good. That gave him enough time to nap for a few more hours before he had to visit Obito. And maybe he would take the long way and go by the bookstore after that, too.
Kakashi pulled the covers up over his face, smiling. Then he easily and without concern drifted back to sleep.