It hurt. But also, it didn't. Sad. Sweet. More sad. Happy… WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME HOW CAN I BE HAPPY? Oh, wait, I'm not…
Feelings were a mess. Damn them. Damn humanity. Damn new moon.
The timing was bad, but there was no stopping the moon cicle. They had to stop their pursuit at a really crucial time, and Inuyasha got more angry than usual, but there was nothing to be done and he knew it. Naraku was stronger than ever, he would be human tonight and they lost Kouga's assistance. To top it of, he was still mourning. She tried to give him time and space, she really did, but no more. Kagome could not stand see such conflict crossing his face.
"Inuyasha?"
Her soft voice, her wonderful smell… NO I SHOULD NOT HAVE THIS GOOD FEELINGS NOW! ...Right…?
His hands were balled so thight that his knuckles were white. Lucky thing he didn't had claws tonight, or else his hands would be bleeding, a lot. But even human fingernails could hurt if enough force was applied, so she took one of his hands in both of hers, and kept her sight on them.
"Listen… I know you're not ok. I… I wanna help you, but you need to let me…"
"And how can anyone help? There ain't no helping it, I don't even understand what the hell I'm feeling!"
"You're sad, but you're not. You remember the loss and feel bad, but them you remember good moments and feel better, almost happy… Then you feel even worse for feeling happy."
"What the… How do…?"
"I was much younger, younger than Souta is now, but I remember when dad died."
She never talks about her father… He finally raised his eyes to her face, for what felt like days… Probably were. Are those…? Aw, no. I made her cry again!
But before he could do a thing, she was talking again.
"I felt very lost. It was hard… Understanding that I would not see my dad again. But it was worse for mom. She had two little kids to care for. Even when she looked happy with something, many times it didn't reach her eyes for a while, or she would soon look so sad again…" She took a shaky breath to hold the tears back, for they would not help neither of them. "But she started feeling better, even sooner than people expected. Last time I went home, I asked her how… What she did, you know?"
Not only he could not imagine mrs. Higurashi sad, when she smiled as easily as her daughter, he also could not believe he never thought how hard it must have been for them. Words were never his strong point, so he just grunted.
"She told me one of the worst thing is this mixed feeling. Feeling sad and happy, and then feeling guilty for being happy… But one of her friends had gone to Brazil…"
"To… where?"
"Uh… It's another country, very far from Japan."
"Hm."
"Anyway… They have a word that describes it, this feeling. It's called 'saudade'. It is.. A deep longing for someone we love. The love that remains after we lose someone. It brings up an emptiness, but makes us sad and happy at the same time. Sad for the absence, and happy for what we lived."
"So… Being happy is not… Wrong?"
She smiles, even if it's a somewhat sad smile. She still have tears in her eyes. Kagome is so strong… so amazing…
"No, Inuyasha. You can feel happy, there's nothing wrong with it. Feeling sad is ok, losing someone is hard… But you're not… Betraying Kikyou by being happy. She would not want you to be sad forever."
"Don't be sad, my love. I'll not be here with you much longer, but I don't want you to be always sad. You can cry, my boy, but don't let this take over your life. You have so much ahead of you… Promise your mother you'll be happy."
"Mother…" She hears him whisper. He seems to have gone even further than she thought. "I… Shit, I'm bad at it. But…" His hands turn to hold hers: "Thank you, Kagome."
Holding her hands is not enough. And right now, fuck what the others will think. He needs her in his arms, and so he does.
"Inu…?"
"Thank you… For being you. For being here with me." His voice is low, as they both were all the time. A bit muffled since his face is hidden in her hair.
She just smiles and hugs him back, letting a tear go.
I wish I could tell you it would feel so much worse if it was you that I lost… Not yet...